


I hush my urge to cry.

by Maisie_top_trash



Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Bone cancer, Brain Tumour, Cancer, Chemotherapy, Depression, F/M, Grief, Intestinal cancer, Lung Cancer, M/M, Mental Illness, Mourning, Panic Attacks, Schizophrenia, Seizures, Self Harm, Terminal Cancer, bipolar, end of life care, mental health, osteosarcoma, oxygen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-27 14:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 35
Words: 136,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8405431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: Josh Dun has cancer.He has a terminal cancer diagnosis, and he has a best friend.
  перевод на русский язык





	1. Chapter 1

"Hi Mrs Dun, am I alright to come in?" Tyler asked with a smile from the doorstep.  
"Course Ty, course. Kitchen first but then yeah, you've got half an hour before the district nurse arrives," Laura nodded, holding the door open and letting Tyler wipe his feet on the doormat before following her into the kitchen.

"Have you been baking?" The teen asked as the smell of fresh bread hit him.  
"Yeah, bread plait, it's in the oven at the moment but if you're still here when it's ready then I'll let you have some." Laura told him as he routinely walked over to the kitchen sink and rolled up his sleeves past his elbows and turned the tap on.  
"Taking out all the stress on poor innocent dough again?"  
"Stop psychoanalysing me and get scrubbing," she laughed, and Tyler smiled then poured a healthy amount of antibac into his hand.

 

As Tyler walked into the living room, he saw fight club playing on the TV for probably the hundredth time. He smiled and shook his head whilst walking around the couch and sitting on its arm, turning to face Josh. His best friend was curled up with his head on the other arm, buried underneath a mound of brightly coloured blankets that majorly contrasted his grey-tinged skin. His lips were purple and chapped painfully, and his dark eyes were sunken into dark shadows. An oxygen cannula found its home in Josh's nostrils and tucked against his bald head that he always covered with a baseball cap.

"This? Again?" Tyler smiled.  
"Best movie of all time, and if you dare challenge that then I will batter you," Josh replied quietly, not attempting to sit up.  
"I mean I get it, it's a Tyler thing right? You just love me so much that you can't bare to be apart from a Tyler, so you have to settle for Tyler Durden when I'm at school."  
"Yup that's exactly it," the sick man laughed slowly.

Tyler carefully slid down from the arm and into the space next to Josh, lifting up his feet and putting them on his lap. Tyler reached across and touched his hand to one of the hot water bottles resting against Josh's hip and found it to be cold.  
"You want me to sort that?"  
"Huh? Oh, uh yeah, thanks,"  
"LAAAAAUURRRAAAA," Tyler yelled, and a moment later the mother walked in.

"I see how it is Ty, your way of sorting things is getting me to sort them," she smiled, shaking her head and reaching down to pick up the three different hot water bottles.  
"Thanks," Josh said.  
"S'alright baby, you need anything else?"  
"Million dollars and a cherry red Ferrari sound about right," he mumbled with a shy smile.  
"You should ask the Make-a-Wish dudes, see what they say," Tyler laughed as Laura stroked her son on the shoulder.  
"Don't give him any ideas," she warned him.  
"They can't refuse my dying wish," Josh agreed.  
"But then again, you promised me a trip to Disney," Tyler reminded him.  
"You're 17 and 18, you should not be this obsessed with Disney, it's not normal."  
"Stop destroying my dreams Mom," Josh called after her as she headed back to the kitchen to refill the hot water bottles.

"Oh before I forget, Debby's caught a cold so she's not gonna come round till she's all better, but she said to say that she luuuurvess you and she misses you,"  
"Did she also give you a kiss to give me? You gonna kiss me Ty?"  
"Not normal!" Laura called jokingly from the kitchen, and both the boys laughed.

"How was school?"  
"Eughh, the worst. Mr B was a complete assface and gave me lunchtime detention all next week just because I forgot one tincy bit of the homework,"  
"Was actually doing it the one tincy thing you forgot?"  
"Shut up," Tyler laughed. "But yeah, means I've got to go and talk to Coach and explain why I'm not gonna be at practice which means he's gonna slaughter me. Plus Jenna is still being off with me for no reason,"  
"You try talking to her?"  
"Yep, she just said that if I don't know what I've done wrong then maybe we need to take some time apart to think,"  
"She'll come round, she always does," Josh told him.  
"My life is sooo hard. How's dying of cancer?"  
"Tip-top-a-roo," he smiled, "Hey once I die you can have Debby, she's a way easier girlfriend than Jenna. Or maybe I'm just a better boyfriend than you."  
"It's not exactly fair though, I mean you've got this whole sympathy thing going on, girls dig that."

"Tyler Joseph you're insane," Laura muttered as she walked back in and started repositioning the lukewarm hot water bottles against her son's fragile body.  
"Yep, but my shrink could have told you that years ago," he replied.

"Arhh Mom," Josh winced.  
"Too hot?" She asked concerned, quickly recoiling it.  
"Uh-huh," he nodded against the arm of the couch.  
"Sorry baby, here, is it okay if I put it between the layers of blankets? Or still too hot?" Laura asked as lifted 3 of the 4 comforters and placed it back down.  
"Yeah, that's uh, that's okay,"  
"Alright. I'm going to go upstairs for a bit to check on Ashley, but the district nurse should be here in 20 25 minutes. Tyler can answer the door for you and call me down,"  
"Thank you," he smiled as his mom kissed him on the top of his cap then walked upstairs.

"How was school?" Josh asked again.  
"Okay except Jenna and I had another fight, and Mr B gave me a week of detention for missing a section of the homework," Tyler reminded him.  
"Who?"  
"Mr Babineaux, my music teacher,"  
"I uh, I uh, Ty do I know him?" Josh stammered confused.  
"Nah, he was new at the start of this year so you've never met him." Tyler said calmly.

"You wanna talk or you wanna watch?"  
"What is it?" The older asked.  
"Fight club,"  
"Oh I've seen it before,"  
"Just a few hundred times," Tyler smiled at his best friend.

"Sleep if you're tired,"  
"I'm good," Josh murmured in reply.  
"Yeah?"  
"All I do is sleep, talk to me, how's basketball?"  
"Good, yeah, really good. We won against the dragons last week, and got another game tomorrow and I'm feeling positive,"  
"When are you not?" Josh smiled.  
"Dude I've got depression,"  
"Optimistic depressive then,"  
"Fair enough, I'll take that," Tyler nodded approvingly.

"Oh look at this savage wound I got at practice yesterday," he continued excitedly, pulling his ankle up onto his lap next to Josh's feet.  
"Can't see,"  
"Check out this bad boy," Tyler said as he slouched back against the couch and stuck his leg up straight in the air and slightly angled over Josh. Once he was sure Josh could see, he pulled his skinny jeans to reveal the small purple bruise at the bottom of his shin above his ankle.  
"Oh wow, you poor injured soul,"  
"Dunno why you're always moaning about aches and pains, try playing basketball man, it's brutal," the younger guy smiled playfully, putting his leg back down and making sure Josh was still resting comfortably.

"You're right, what do I know about aches and pains? Just got stage 4 terminal metastatic osteosarcoma tumours in my left shin, my-"  
"Wait wait, you say the fancy word and I'll translate." Tyler interrupted excitedly.  
"You're a weirdo," Josh sighed. "Okay left proximal tibia,"  
"Upper shinbone,"  
"Left and right distal femurs,"  
"Lower part of your thigh bones,"  
"Right proximal humerus," Josh continued.  
"Top bit of your arm,"  
"Sacrum,"  
"Ah dammit, I know this one. Umm, hip?"  
"Well I have got it in both my hips, but that's not my sacrum,"  
"Go on give me a clue," Tyler pleaded.  
"You were close with hips,"  
"Urgh, that triangle bit at the bottom of your back," he groaned.  
"Bingo,"

"Next," Tyler grinned.  
"Ty I'm tired," Josh's mood suddenly dropped.  
"Alright buddy I'll finish, and I don't mind if you nod off,"  
"Mmm,"  
"Where did we get to? Hips? K so then there's your ribs, and your jaw, and your skull and your right wrist. Then there's the fabulous organ metastases. Intestines, lungs, brain." Tyler recalled. "But J, you know what you don't have? You don't have a little purple bruise near your ankle."

Tyler smiled to himself, then turned to look over at Josh. His best mate had fallen asleep, and Tyler watched the rise and fall of his irregular breaths before noticing the cannula's prongs had slipped from his nose a little.

The healthy man very carefully manoeuvred himself off the couch, cautious not to knock Josh's feet and placed them down again softly. He then moved to the other end of the couch and repositioned the piece of tubing, Josh not even stirring.

With a sigh, Tyler walked back into the kitchen where he had left his bag. He opened it up and dug around before finally finding his copy of All My Sons for theatre class, then walked back to his sleeping friend.

Tyler settled himself down on the carpeted floor of the living room, leaning against the arm of the couch again. This time rather than the opposite end, he chose to sit right beside Josh's head, listening to him breathe whilst he read the play.

 

 

"You go see Josh today?" Zack asked, tossing Tyler the ball.  
"Yeah we hung out for a bit, only half an hour, but still,"  
"How was he? Awake?" The younger brother asked at Tyler scored.  
"Yeah for about 10 minutes," Tyler nodded.  
"Oh that's pretty good then,"  
"He was in good spirits actually, was really nice to see him out of the bed or the wheelchair,"  
"They get him sitting up?" Zack asked in shock.  
"Zack his hips are near enough more tumour than bone, he can't sit up by himself,"  
"No I know, I just thought that maybe, I dunno, forget it," he back-pedalled whilst throwing the basketball into the hoop again.  
"Nah I understand, don't worry; he was laying on the couch. Reminded me a bit of you actually,"  
"Me?"  
"Yeah, total slob," Tyler teased.  
"So mean," Zack muttered.

"Ty,"  
"Yeah?"  
"Are you alright?" Zack asked sincerely, stopping throwing the ball and holding it under his arm instead.  
"Yes," Tyler nodded.  
"Sure? Because you keep making all these jokes, and I can't help but think they're to cover something up,"  
"Now I'm the one getting psychoanalysed. Laura told me off for doing it to her earlier, and now I understand why," He smiled.

"Tyler,"  
"I make jokes because it cheers J up, you've got to at least try and find the funny side otherwise everything just gets on top of you and that's when you start to feel shitty. It's a positive and subconscious coping method,"  
"I overheard you cancelling your therapy appointment on the phone."  
"Zack I'm fine honestly, I cancelled because I want to spend more time with J, he hasn't got long,"  
"Don't you think I know that Ty? I think about it all the time, some nights I don't sleep because I'm thinking about it. I think about it because I'm going to lose what's left of one of my friends, but even more so I think about it because my brother is going to lose his best friend, and I don't think he's dealing with it very well."  
"Don't say what's left,"  
"Huh?"  
"Don't say it as though he's not Josh anymore, he's still Josh, he's still my best mate, he's still him, just a few extra bits as well,"  
"Yeah you're right, I'm uh, I'm sorry,"  
"Look Zack, I appreciate your concern, really I do, but I'm doing okay. I'm working through it all, promise, I'll be alright."


	2. Chapter 2

Tyler woke up at 8am on Saturday, planning to go and see Josh straight away before his basketball game. But as he walked over to get his phone from where it was charging, he saw he had a message from Jordan.

_Jordan: There was a fuck up with my brother's hospital appointments, and turns out he's booked in for his blood transfusion this morning instead of tomorrow. Not sure whether you were planning to come round but I presumed you were, so he'll be home about 1ish if things go to plan and you can visit then instead._  
_Tyler: Okay thanks, I have a game but I'll be round straight afterwards. Tell him I loooovvveeee him_  
 _Jordan: Bromance goals, will do  
Tyler: Brotp_

Tyler sighed and threw his phone down onto the bed, then jumped on after it. Now that he couldn't go round, he had a few hours to kill before the game started. He had a whole stack of homework that he'd been putting off all week, but decided that he still couldn't be bothered and instead grabbed his laptop.

Whilst it powered up, Tyler leant back against his pillows again and looked over to the photo frame on his bedside table. He wasn't particularly soppy, but that photo always made him smile. With a clumsy tired hand he reached over and picked up, holding it a few inches above his face.

Josh's mother had taken the picture two years ago when everyone had gone round to their house to celebrate Josh being declared cancer free, before his relapse. Rather than a traditional house party, they had opted to have a pyjama party instead.

Tyler smiled as his eyes ran over the familiar faces of his peers. Josh was sat in the middle of the couch, a grin covering his face and his regrowing hair dyed pink. On his lap sat Debby, also smiling, and next to them was Tyler. Jenna was stood behind Tyler sticking her tongue out; at that point they were just friends, but Tyler remembered his giant crush with a goofy smile. Next to Jenna were Patrick and Pete, staring into each other's eyes lovingly whilst grinning, the only two not looking at the camera. Finally there was Brendon being Brendon, laid on the floor in front of the couch seductively, propping his head up with one arm.

His attention was drawn back to his laptop as the home screen appeared and he quickly logged in.  
The background was a photograph of him and Jenna, but Tyler couldn't help thinking maybe he should change it. They hadn't spoken without arguing in weeks, and he could sense that a breakup was imminent. But that wasn't his main priority at the moment.

When he opened the Internet browser, it suggested his 10 most frequently visited sites. All but one were cancer related. Tyler ignore them though, and clicked on the link to his private blog.

 

 

As the final buzzer sounded and Tyler looked up at the scoreboard, it confirmed what he already knew. They had won the game, and easily.  
"Yes Tyylerrrrr," Brendon screeched from across the court and ran and jumped straight on to him. Tyler staggered back a bit and laughed as the sweaty teen clung on to him.  
"Get off," he groaned playfully.

"Dude we absolutely butt fucked them,"  
"Is that the official term?" Tyler laughed as they walked over to the rest of the team.  
"Eugh, just cos you're captain you think you're all that, official terms blah blah," he mocked before laughing loudly.  
"Shut up,"  
"Well I mean you are all that, that 3 pointer 5 minutes in was like God-level,"  
"I try, I try," Tyler smiled.  
"Oop, girlfriend alert," Brendon said as the cheerleaders joined the victorious team on the court, and Jenna walked towards them. Brendon ran off, making devil horns with his fingers once he was out of Jenna's view.

"Hey,"  
"Hi," Tyler replied.  
"Congratulations, you uh, you played really well."  
"Thank you,"  
"Listen, Ty, I don't want things to be like this any longer. Have you got any plans afterwards, or can we go and talk?"  
"Well there's the trophy presentation,"  
"I know but afterwards," Jenna asked.  
"Yeah I'm busy, sorry,"  
"Going to see Josh?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Course you are, should have known," she murmured under her breath.

"Woah, Jenna, don't be like that."  
"You're always with him,"  
"He's my best friend!" Tyler retaliated.  
"And I'm your girlfriend! Ty when was the last time we went on a date?"  
"I dunno, couple of weeks, but-"  
"9 weeks, Tyler, 9 weeks." She snapped angrily, "That's over two months you've left me for, and you still go to Josh's every single day,"  
"He's dying, you understand that right?!"  
"Of course I understand, he's one of my best friends too. But this isn't healthy, spending this much time with him is not good for you. Tyler I am sorry, okay, I am sorry he is sick, but you need to start thinking about yourself. The more time you spend with him the harder it's going to be when he's gone." Jenna said before taking a step back and looking up to the ceiling to blink away tears. Tyler took a deep breath.  
"You say I need to think about myself, but really you mean you. For once this isn't about you. But don't stress, he'll be dead soon and then you'll have me all to yourself." He whispered quietly before walking off.

"Tyler! Where are you going?!" Brendon called after him from the group of players. "Captain lifts the trip trophy!"  
"You do it, I'm going to J's."

 

 

"Hi Mrs Dun,"  
"Hey Tyler, come in sweetheart,"  
"Are you okay?" He asked as he followed the red-eyed mother into her kitchen.  
"I will be, I will be." She nodded.  
"How was the hospital this morning?"  
"Little emotional but J did really well bless him,"  
"Yeah," Tyler sighed whilst turning on the tap and beginning to scrub his hands clean.

"They had to stop the transfusion half way because he started having another reaction,"  
"At least they caught it quickly this time round,"  
"Mmm," Laura thought whilst pursing her lips, "They uh, they said we're looking at weeks rather than months,"  
"Yeah, I um, yeah,"  
"Even though I think we both knew it, it's still a shock to hear the words." She commented when Tyler failed to find something to say.  
"Yeah,"  
"Sorry darling, I won't keep you here, he's in his room,"  
"Thanks,"

  
Tyler walked out of the kitchen and along the downstairs corridor until he arrived at Josh's room. He knocked twice before letting himself in.

His best friend was laying on his hospital bed completely nude apart from a pair of basketball shorts, his oxygen cannula and his signature cap. Tyler's eyes quickly scanned the multiple surgery scars littering his skeletal body and the Hickman Line emerging from his chest, the tube secured with a large clear sticker. He was used to the sight but noticed Josh was significantly thinner than before and had more horrific bruises.

"Woah Josh be careful!" He called out.  
"Hmm?"  
"I think you might be wearing too much clothing!" Tyler continued sarcastically, smiling as he sat down on the chair next to Josh.  
"Shut up," Josh whispered.  
"Hot flush?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Middle aged menopausal woman,"  
"That's me," the sick man replied.

"You okay?"  
"Yeah I'm great thanks, we won the basketball match," Tyler answered cheerfully.  
"Congratulations,"  
"Thannkkksss Jiiissshh, how about you? How was your vampire session?"  
"Good yeah, my own body only tried to kill me once,"  
"But victorious Josh lives to fight another day," Tyler smiled.

"Did they give you a big boy bravery bead?"  
"Uh-huh," Josh nodded, trying to reposition his head on the pillow behind him so that he could better face Tyler. Tyler noticed him struggling and subtlety moved the pillow for him.

"You gonna thread it for me?" Josh smiled.  
"Yay," Tyler grinned, jumping up from his seat. "Where is it?"  
"It's red,"  
"Yep, red for blood transfusion. Where's your new bead J?"  
"It's red," Josh repeated.  
"That's right you genius," Tyler genuinely smiled, not in the least sarcastic or condescending.  
"It's uh, it's red,"  
"Josshiiieee,"  
"S'red," he slurred.  
"Jishwaaaa, you wanna go sleepybyes?"  
"I, uh, I got a red bead and it's in my bag," Josh murmured with closed eyes.

Tyler smiled at his struggling friend, then turned his back to him and walked to the other side of the room where Josh's backpack was. He picked it up and carried it back over, placing it on the chair. Tyler unzipped the main pocket and removed the two-handled cup which rested at the top. Next he took out Josh's hoodie and a pill organiser and set them to the side before finally seeing the small plastic pouch containing the red bead.

"Jackpot,"  
"You get it?" Josh asked quietly.  
"Yep," Tyler replied, holding it out for him to see.  
"You gonna thread it for me?"  
"Joshua it would be an honour, and the highlight of my week." He smiled before walking round the bed to the opposite wall.

The entire wall was made up of storage compartments from ceiling to floor, but Tyler knew exactly which box he wanted and quickly located it. He skipped past all the medical equipment and devices and pulled out the light blue box containing Josh's bead string.

The string had started at just 30cm but soon had more and more pieces attached till it was almost 3x Tyler's height. It was an idea that one of Josh's nurses had developed for him and all the other child cancer sufferers on his hospital ward. Each kid was given a bead whenever they had a procedure completed, red for blood transfusion, green for biopsy, orange for scans, blue for chemotherapy, white for radiotherapy, yellow for surgery. The one bead that all the patients were after was a purple. Purple meant you'd been declared cancer free.

As Tyler began untangling the rainbow cord and laying it out on the floor, he noticed Josh's purple bead a 1/3 of the way in. He remembered all they had gone through to get to that point, how much Josh had had to fight and how brave everyone else had been in supporting him.  
Then he looked at the hundreds of chemo sessions and every other sort of session which came after it and tried his best not to sigh, knowing that a purple bead would not mark the string's end this time around.

"Ty I can't see,"  
"Do you want me to put the cord on your bed with you?" Tyler offered.  
"Please,"  
"Alrighty. Let me know if it touches you and I'll move it,"  
"Ch-" Josh began before needing to take a breath, "cheers,"

"I think we should hang this up in here somewhere," Tyler thought aloud as he spread the half knotted string on the large gap between Josh's skeletal body and the high padded side of the bed.  
"Mmm,"  
"How about over the door frame? Or I can wrap it round these rails?" Tyler continued, tapping them.  
"Maybe," he whispered with his eyes closed.  
"You've had a long day, sleep if you need to."  
"I cried this morning,"  
"That's okay Josh,"  
"I was hot," he explained breathlessly, "Mom took my sock off,"  
"It pull your knee?" Tyler asked as he finished undoing the tangle and listened to Josh.  
"Yeh,"  
"You're in an insane amount of pain and it's normal to react like that, in fact I'm in awe that you're not just crying constantly,"  
"Mmm,"

"J be honest if it's going to be too painful, but do you want to thread this yourself?"  
"Can't,"  
"You can, I'll help you do it,"  
"Umm, okay,"  
"If I'm hurting you even more then say," Tyler said as he stepped closer to Josh's head.  
"Splint,"  
"Splint? Oh, wrist brace? Do you want it on?"  
"Yeh,"  
"You sure? If you're flushed then it's probably going to feel like it's burning you, and your hand-,"  
"Do it," Josh instructed, so Tyler turned around again and found the storage box containing all of Josh's various splints and braces before digging around and finding the wrist he desired.

His wrist was one of the few cancer sites on his body where a lump wasn't obviously visible at first glance, but regardless it was there and so was a whole sleeve of bruises, yellow and purple and black.  
Unlike his left, Josh couldn't support his right hand and it therefore harshly and stiffly curl inwards.

"Josh I think we can do it without having to put this on,"  
"Please Ty, it's been so long, please,"  
"Okay, alright I will but if you change your mind then say,"  
"Stop worrying start doing,"  
"So stubborn," Tyler smiled despite his genuine concern.

He undid the strapping on the brace and opened it, then very softly picked up Josh's arm just below the elbow, his hand hanging limp. Tyler noticed Josh's breathing speeding up but knew he wouldn't want Tyler to stop. So he continued to hold Josh's arm and slid the brace underneath. As he put it back down again, hand tucked underneath in its fixed awkward position, Josh winced. Tyler made sure the forearm part of the brace was comfortable, but as soon as he touched Josh's hand he burst into tears.

"Josh, Josh it's okay, I'm really sorry but we don't have to do anymore, it's over I promise, no more," he comforted as Josh continued to cry in pain. Tyler barely noticed Laura walk into the room.

"J, Momma's here," she said softly as walked over to the other side of the bed. "Deep breaths, what's hurting?"  
"He wants the wrist brace on," Tyler explained.  
"Oh baby, we don't need to do that anymore yeah? Remember? Dr Mike found it in your cartilage so it's not going to get better, it'll just be painful,"  
"I w-want to," Josh sobbed.  
"I know you do baby, I know you do,"

"Josh this brace is an evil piece of crap, yeah? Evil. And I think that tomorrow we should have a bonfire in your back garden and burn them all. Every single one. Watch em all go up in flames," Tyler smiled as big tears ran from Josh's scrunched eyes.  
"Honestly Tyler, you and your huge ideas," Laura smiled sadly but gratefully at him. "But if it's what you want to do baby then we'll do something similar to that,"  
"Could stick them on the barbecue,"  
"Or just put them in the attic," Laura countered.  
"Fill them with fireworks and put on a display for the neighbours," Tyler joked as Josh slowly calmed himself down.  
"Donate them to a cancer charity," his mom replied lightheartedly.  
"Put them in a bag with some bricks and throw it in a lake,"  
"Return them to the hospital,"  
"No wait, gonna improve mine, put them in a bag with some cut up fish and then throw it in a shark infested pit and watch them get shredded to bits,"  
"You know what Tyler? If you find a shark infested pit then I'll let you do that," the woman smiled whilst shaking her head.

"Barbecue," Josh whispered hoarsely.  
"He wants to barbecue them. See what you've done now Tyler?!" Laura moaned playfully, "One. You can barbecue one."  
"Yessss, result," Tyler grinned at Josh.  
"Thanks," Josh sighed before reaching up to his wet face with his mostly functioning left hand to wipe the tears away.

"You wanna thread the bead now?" Tyler suggested gently.  
"You boys doing the bravery beads?" Laura asked.  
"Yeah," Josh yawned.  
"Come on then Ty, climb up here," the mother said, tapping the big space next to Josh on the bed.

Tyler put down the seizure safety bed rails and sat cross legged on the mattress, picking up the end of the string he had untangled. Laura held out a hand and Tyler passed across the small pouch containing the new bead before trying to untie the knot next to Josh's most recent orange scan bead. He had to look back quite far to find the last blue chemo bead when the doctors decided that his final round wasn't working and there was nothing they could do.

"Mommy Laura, I can't do it," Tyler complained as he struggled with the tight knot.  
"Give it here," she smiled and Tyler did as she said, making sure that the cord ran around the bottom of Josh's feet rather than resting across his sensitive legs.

"You got it?" Tyler asked Josh who nodded and held up his clenched left fist containing the bead.  
"Done," Laura said, holding the untied string between her fingers, "Ty can you help J?"  
"Course,"  
"Thanks," he whispered, moving his fist clumsily towards Tyler. Tyler caught it and Josh opened it then let the precious red bead fall into his friend's hand. The healthy man helped Josh position his thumb and first finger slightly apart, and carefully placed the bead between them. First time round it slipped but Tyler picked it up and tried again, this time keeping his own finger and thumb on top of Josh's. Laura raised the end of the string to meet the hole, and right before it passed through, Tyler let go so that Josh was holding it all by himself. He shook a lot but Laura matched the jerks and a couple of seconds later the bead was threaded and Laura was tying it up and Josh's face was plastered with a massive grin.


	3. Chapter 3

As Tyler walked the short distance from his house to the church with his family, he held hands with his brother Jay. The 7 year old was babbling away and Tyler was listening closely until they turned the corner to the entrance of the church and he saw his friendship group gathered by one of the trees.

"Jay, come here, let Ty go to his friends," Kelly called to her youngest son.  
"Thanks Mom," Tyler said, turning to face her.  
"S'alright, sit with them if you'd like, but if you're going straight to Josh's afterwards then come and say goodbye first,"  
"I will,"  
"TTYYLLLEERRRR," Brendon's distinctive shriek echoed across the parking lot.  
"I'll see you guys later," he smiled at his family before jogging over to the tree.

  
"Heya," Tyler greeted them all, Patrick and Pete not breaking their make out session but Brendon pulling him into a hug.   
"Very very sexy," he grinned as he let go and repositioned Tyler's tie then pinched his cheek.   
"Hey Ty," Debby smiled softly, pulling him into a hug as well. Once she released him she stepped back to stand with Jenna, who simply turned away.

"Oi, loverboys, our social nucleus has arrived," Brendon called over to the couple up against the tree. Tyler saw Patrick raise his hand and quickly wave but their lips never broke contact.  
"Well ain't that nice," Brendon smiled sarcastically, "Listen, you wanna leave these lovely ladies to bitch about you whilst we go talk somewhere?"  
"Uh yeah sure," Tyler replied, ignoring the awkwardness Brendon had intentionally created and following him away from the group.

  
"You alright?" Tyler asked as they sat down on a bench out of hearing distance.  
"Yeah I'm fine, it's you I wanted to know about." Brendon said calmer than usual.  
"Me?"  
"Yeah, yesterday running out the court before getting the trophy. You've never been one to turn down praise and attention," he smiled but seemed genuinely interested.  
"Jenna was just, ugh, just getting under my skin," Tyler sighed, slouching against the wood.  
"So you ran off to your safe place,"  
"I went to see Josh,"  
"Yeah, he's your safe place." Brendon told Tyler, who didn't know what to say.

"Look Jenna told me why you fought, she told me in a very angry and very long call that lasted 2 hours so you totally owe me by the way, but she told me. And for the record I don't agree with her, but I can see where she's coming from."   
"Right,"  
"She's worried about you Tyl-"  
"No she's butthurt because I haven't bought her dinner recently,"  
"She's scared. You remember last time things got really bad for you and you got really obsessive over the 500 baskets. Tyler she thinks that you're getting sick again and this time you're getting fixated on Josh,"  
"That's such, urgh, such a typical Jenna thing to say. She's in the wrong and tried to blame it on Josh but that didn't work so now she's trying to blame my mental health,"

"This is a shitty shitty situation to be in and there's no denying that. It's Halloween next week and we'll be lucky if Josh sees the next one-"  
"Be lucky if he sees Christmas," Tyler corrects.  
"Christmas? Oh," Brendon said, taken aback.  
"Sorry, that was too blunt, but he's going downhill fast Bren,"  
"Yeah, and I uh, I understand why you've been seeing him so much over the last couple of weeks,"  
"Thank you, nobody else seems to,"

"I am sorry, Tyler, I know he means a lot to you," Brendon said filled with emotion.   
"Damn guys, why are you all so obsessed with trying to make me have a break down?" Tyler replied lightheartedly but whispered it slowly.   
"Come here," Brendon told him empathetically, wrapping one arm around Tyler's shoulders once he rested his head against Brendon's chest. "I won't promise that it's all going to be okay, but I will promise to be here with you whenever you need me."  
"Thank you,"

"I know this is a hard question so you don't have to say, but is he still himself? Still our Josh?"  
"Sometimes."  
"Okay, I guess that's good to know- whoop I think people are going in." Brendon said whilst noticing everyone heading to the entrance near their bench. "Forget about Jenna, come sit with us sinners at the back," he smiled as Pete and Patrick stopped beside them.  
"Yeah okay," Tyler said, rubbing his face.  
"And Ty, ask Josh if he'd like to see me,"

 

  
Once the sermon came to an end and everyone filed out of the building, Tyler stood outside the door. Brendon ruffled his hair as he walked past, and a few others said bye, but Tyler was waiting for one of the Duns. Although at one stage their attendance had been as reliable as the sun rising each morning, since Josh's relapse and rapid deterioration it had become a bit more hit and miss.

Tyler's family came out and waited with him for a while but eventually they realised that none of the other family had made it that morning. They walked to the end of the parking lot together before separating to walk in opposite directions.

 

The cold October air bit at Tyler's exposed hands as he wrapped his jacket around himself again and crossed his arms. He walked at a rushed pace, wanting to escape the cold but more truthfully wanting to see Josh.

Tyler thought about what Brendon had called Josh, his safe place, and it was true. Since the first day of middle school 6 years ago they had been inseparable best friends, and been at each other's side through everything. Josh had been there for Tyler during his sleepless nights and panic attacks. He was the one who patched Tyler up when the thoughts got too much, and sat with him on a bridge over a highway for hours one night.   
And Tyler was there for Josh when his knee started feeling weak, and when it got too much so he stopped playing soccer, and when he went to the doctor expecting a 6 week exercise ban and left with a bone cancer diagnosis. The hospital admissions, the chemotherapy, the pain. The pain was the worst bit for both of them.

Tyler's thoughts were interrupted as he arrived at his best mate's door and knocked it. He had to wait for a long minute before Josh's sister Ashley eventually opened it.

"Oh, Tyler, hey," she said a little breathlessly.  
"Hiya, can I come in?"  
"Uh yeah, yeah, he's not great, but yeah okay, come in," Ashley stammered before stepping out of the way and letting Tyler enter. As he walked past her, he noticed a small blood smear on the side of her white jumper.

"Did something happen?" Tyler panicked as he pointed to it.  
"Oh crap, I didn't notice, dammit," she said flustered as they walked into the kitchen, and she immediately grabbed a sponge and began dabbing it frantically.  
"Ash,"  
"I was, uh, helping Mom clean up Josh's puke, fuck, it won't, it won't come out," the younger girl faltered, suddenly on the brink of tears. Tyler stepped closer to her and took the sponge out of her hand, placing it on the side, then pulled her into a hug. She began to sob but Tyler just let her, holding the back of her head with one hand and rubbing her back with the other.

After a minute she breathed out slowly and pulled away. Tyler didn't say anything, but squeezed her hands then helped her take off the blood stained jumper.

She stayed stood where they had hugged, but Tyler carried the jumper round to the other side of the kitchen and helped himself to a bottle of vinegar from the cupboard. He poured a small amount onto the stain and massaged it in as he walked back to Ashley.

"That should do the job," Tyler said softly.  
"Thank you Tyler," she smiled sadly, tears still filling her eyes.  
"You going to be okay this morning or want me to stay with you?"  
"Just being a bit silly, I'll be okay,"  
"Maddy's at home if you need to get out of the house and be with a girlfriend for a bit,"  
"Thanks but I, uh, I think I'm just going to go for a walk by myself," Ashley nodded tearfully.  
"Alright but take care. Should we find you another jacket to wear?"  
"I can do it, you go see Josh,"  
"Sure?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Alright Ash, I'll be around if you need me though,"  
"Thank you,"

  
Once Ashley left the room, Tyler finished scrubbing the blood off her jumper then scrubbed his own arms free of any germs. He walked down the hall and knocked on Josh's bedroom door, Laura calling for him to come in.

Josh was laying in his bed as usual, but seemed to have deteriorated in the 18 hours since Tyler had last seen him. His hot flush appeared to be over as his legs were hidden beneath stacks of blankets, but he was shirtless. The Hickman Line emerging from his bony chest was hooked up to a bag of IV fluid on a pole behind the bed, and his skin was grey and clammy with sweat. Rather than his usual cap his head was covered with a soft beanie, and rather than his usual oxygen cannula he wore an oxygen mask.

Laura was sat in the chair right by his head, in her blue rubber gloved hands she held a cloth which had a few smears of blood on it. Next to her was the biohazard bin and a stack of new disposable vomit bowls, plus a two-handled plastic cup of water.

"Hey Josh, it's Tyler," he greeted them whilst carrying a chair from the wall to his bedside and sitting down. Josh clumsily reached to pull his mask down and speak, but Laura put her hand up and kept it covering his nose and mouth.  
"J baby, keep it on,"  
"Yeah it's alright Josh, today's a listening day, I understand,"   
"You can listen or you can sleep, we'll be here either way," his mother said quietly. "We're always going to be here,"  
"Yeah," Tyler agreed with her.

"Josh I walked here from Church and on the way I was thinking, and do you remember that time we went to Patrick's house to help him decorate his room-" Tyler began, but stopped as Josh's head suddenly threw back and he began to choke. Laura immediately stood up and removed the mask, then turned her son's head to the side and held one of the bowls under his cheek. Tyler watched as a long sticky stream of red blood ran from his best friend's mouth but he didn't splutter or cough.

"Baby, spit," Laura told him, still holding his head to the side. Josh ignored the instruction, and Tyler saw that his eyes were half open and wondered whether he may have lost consciousness. He watched helplessly as Laura carefully put her gloved finger inside Josh's left cheek and scraped the thick blood into the bowl. Once she finished, she wiped her glove clean on the bowl's rim and put it in the bin, then pulled the mask back over Josh's mouth.

"Josh there's water if you think you can swirl and spit," the mother told her son, but it was clear that he couldn't. "Ty watch him a second," she said and he nodded, so she quickly walked over to the storage wall and reached into a box. She returned a moment later holding several cotton buds, then removed Josh's mask again and used them to clean the inside of his mouth. Finally she wiped his lips with the cloth and repositioned his oxygen supply.

"Sorry Ty, what were you saying about Patrick's house?" Laura asked.


	4. Chapter 4

When Tyler walked downstairs to grab a piece of toast before school on Monday morning, his mother intercepted him in the hall. He was in a rush so she followed him into the kitchen.

"Tyler sweetheart, I got a call from Mrs Dun this morning," she began and Tyler's heart stopped. "Don't look so scared, it's good news. She told me what happened yesterday baby and I'm so sorry, but she said you were really brave and it was a massive comfort to both her and Joshie and also Ashley that you stayed all day. She also said that Josh perked up a bit this morning and suggested that you take today off school and spend it with him instead. Now, between us, I can call her back and say that I've decided you need to focus on education if really you'd prefer to get away from it, or alternatively you can go see him."   
"I want to see him," Tyler replied without hesitation.  
"Okay sweetheart, I'll drive you once I take your siblings to school."  
"Thank you,"

"Tyler,"  
"Yeah?"  
"Can I ask for one little thing in return? It would mean a lot to me," his mother said quizzically.  
"Uh yeah, yeah of course,"  
"Be back in time for dinner tonight?"  
"Dinner?" Tyler repeated.  
"Yeah. Sweetheart it's been over three weeks, maybe more, since you last sat down with the family for an evening meal. We miss you baby, we understand you need to be with Josh, but we miss you."  
"That long? I'm sorry Mom. Yeah I'll try and make it back in time I promise,"  
"Thank you sweetheart," she said, but then didn't walk away and continued to stare at him as he waited for his toast to pop.

"Was there something else?" He smiled, trying not to sound rude.   
"Ty are you taking your medication? Looking after yourself?"   
"Yeah, I'm doing my best," the son nodded truthfully.  
"I've been trying to keep a close eye on you but it's difficult when you're hardly ever around, so you can always come and find me if you need anything, anything at all."  
"I know that Mom, I know, thank you,"

"I was talking to Dad last week and he mentioned that he thought we should start daily checking for cuts again, but I don't think we need to, do we?"  
"No," Tyler immediately answered, shaking his head. "I haven't in over a year, and uh, yeah I haven't even thought about it for months."  
"Oh baby, you have no idea how happy that makes me," Kelly grinned.  
"Yeah I'm just concentrating on my basketball and my blog," Tyler nodded whilst casually rubbing the back of his head.

"And you think it helps to be with Josh?"  
"Definitely. I mean he's my best mate and right now he needs me on my top form, so that's what I'm trying to be."  
"Yeah. I'm really proud of you Tyler," Kelly smiled with tears in her eyes.  
"Thank you,"  
"You and Josh, bravest two kids I know." She remarked emotionally before walking towards the door, "I'll take the youngsters to school then I'll come back for you."

 

  
As Tyler waited on the Dun's doorstep with his mom, he began to wonder how many hours of his life he has spent in that position. Nobody liked being left waiting, but it was especially difficult regarding the situation Josh was in and how wild Tyler's imagination could be. But thankfully it was settled as Laura answered.

"Hey Mrs Dun," he smiled, always calling her that when she answered the door despite her being like another mother to him.  
"Hi Ty, hi Kelly, come in come in," she replied, leading them through and into the kitchen with a smile.

"Can I get either of you a drink?" She offered. "Kelly, coffee?"  
"Yeah I can stay for a quick one," the other woman nodded as Tyler routinely began washing his hands.  
"Ty?"  
"No I'm okay thanks, uh, is Josh alright for me to go talk to?"  
"Of course sweetheart, leave the two moms to chew the fat, he's in his room with Kathy."  
"Okay thanks," Tyler answered, walking towards the door.  
"Oh and Tyler sweetheart, if Kathy agrees then feel free to switch him from mask to cannula so he can talk to you,"  
"I will, thanks,"

  
As Tyler entered Josh's room, his night relief nurse was packing up her bag and putting on her jacket. She and another nurse, named Marie, each spent 3 nights a week with Josh to give his family a break and keep him looked after. They were part of his end of life care team that worked for a local hospice, providing a hospice-at-home service. Despite Josh's end of life care only starting 2 months ago, Tyler spent so much time with him that he was very familiar with all his carers.

"Hey guys,"   
"Oh hello Tyler," Kathy smiled. "Shouldn't you be at school?"  
"You know me, rebel to the core, stick it to the man, screw the system, all that," he replied to her whilst smirking at Josh in his bed.

Laura had been correct when she said that he had perked up a bit, but he still looked desperately ill hidden under layers of jumpers and blankets, facial features fading to the background against his prominent oxygen mask.

"Well if you say so," she laughed, "but don't go leading Josh astray."  
"Me? Josh is the one who taught me everything I know, he's the master of rebellion,"   
"Is that true Joshua?" The nurse asked, and Josh nodded. "Should we swap that mask over before I head off? Let you two talk?"  
"I can do it," Tyler told her.

"You're going to put me out of the job Tyler," she sighed with a smile as he walked over to the storage wall and found a new cannula in one of the boxes.

He removed its packaging and began unwinding the tubing whilst heading over to the oxygen tank behind Josh's bed. Kathy moved so she could still see him, but let Tyler continue to work. The tank only had one nozzle, so Tyler had to remove Josh's mask tubing in order to put the new one on.

"Oi Josh, gotta pull this out, don't die," he called out playfully as he pulled the clear plastic off and replaced it with the new end connector.

Tyler then stood up beside Josh and carefully removed the mask, cautious not to knock his painful lump on the side of his skull. Once Tyler put the mask down on the side table, he held out the prongs and softly placed them in his best friend's nostrils then wrapped the headset around the fragile skin on his ears. Finally he knelt back down to the tank.

"Kathy, is it 3 litres per minute?"  
"We've put it up to 5 now," she replied, "Can you do it?" The woman checked as he struggled with the stiff control.  
"All done, voila," he smiled, standing up next to Josh.

"What an absolute pro," Tyler said about himself proudly.  
"Other than forgetting one pretty vital bit,"  
"Damn, what?"  
"You didn't check it was working, always good practice to check you can feel the airflow," Kathy rained on his parade.  
"S'working," Josh whispered.

"That means I get a cool point," Tyler insisted with a smile.  
"Well considering they mean nothing, why not splash out and give yourself 5,"  
"Because that's ludicrous," Tyler dead panned serious.  
"You're off your rocker Tyler. Right, well I'm heading home, but I'll see you tonight Josh - that is unless Nurse Tyler decides to take over."  
"Thank, you," Josh gasped heavily.  
"Just take a moment to let the oxygen flow again," she said from the door, watching him and not leaving as he continued to gasp.

"Is it definitely working?" Tyler asked concerned as Josh grew closer and closer to hyperventilation. He nodded.  
"Josh, listen to me, you're getting enough. If you breathe normally, you'll still be getting enough. You've just freaked yourself out again." Kathy told him, putting her bag down again and standing at the foot of his bed.

"I know the cannula feels different to the mask but I also know that it does the same job. Trust me, and trust it. It's giving you enough."  
"J, what did you always tell me? If you breathe any quicker then you're going to inflate like a balloon and float away," Tyler reminded him lightheartedly, following Kathy's lead.   
"Would you feel more confident if we swapped you back? You don't need to, that will definitely support you, but if it would be more comfortable for you then I'm happy to."  
"Iwant, to, talk, to Ty-ler,"  
"You can talk to Tyler, yeah, you can tell him all about basketball and Halloween costumes and everything else we practiced talking about earlier. But Josh you need to calm down poppet."

"Ty-ler,"  
"Yeah I'm right here buddy,"  
"Talk," Josh gasped, and Tyler saw a tear fall down his cheek. And that was when it sort of clicked for Tyler, this was Josh's equivalent of having a panic attack. Josh was scared that he wasn't getting enough oxygen, really scared, and was therefore breathing three times as fast as he usually did in a desperate attempt to save himself. The healthy teen knew that Josh's lungs were lined with cancerous nodules, and all his ribs were crammed full of the uncontrolled abnormal cells. It must be absolute Hell to breathe through all that pain, so Tyler hated to even imagine how afraid Josh must have been to do it that quickly.

"Yeah I'll talk, that's okay, you know how I love the sound of my own voice," Tyler smiled, trying to mask his own fear. "You wanted to talk about Halloween costumes right? Well I mean you are the king of costumes. I have to admit, X Men last year was one of my favourites we've ever done, purely because watching Debby trying to crawl into that Mystique skin suit was probably the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. Then obviously getting to be Wolverine was great for my ego, although I remember trying to push your wheelchair and not stab you with my claws proved a challenge. And you totally nailed Professor X," Tyler remembered fondly, pleased to see Josh calming down a bit.

Kathy waved goodbye to them both silently, then left the room.

"That was back when Jenna didn't hate my guts, and she was my Jean Grey. Patrick was Gambit because he already had the hat, that bloody hat," Tyler remarked, and heard Josh laugh slightly. "Then Pete was Nightcrawler but the majority of his blue facepaint had rubbed off onto Patrick by the end of the night. And last but definitely not least was Brendon as Quicksilver, who took it upon himself to sprint literally everywhere."  
"We looked good," Josh whispered.

"Yeah we did. You okay?" Tyler asked gently.  
"Yeh, it's just," Josh said slowly but Tyler waited patiently. "It's in there," he continued, clumsily prodding his own chest with a stiff left hand. "All in me, and, a-nd, sometimes it's suff, suff, sff, sff, s-ff, s-f,"  
"Josh,"  
"Wha's the word?"  
"Suffocating?" Tyler suggested.  
"Suffocating me." Josh finished.   
"Must be really scary J, but I promise that we aren't going to let it suffocate you. Do you remember back when I was the sick one, and I had those invisible hands that use to try and do the same to me? You know what you did? You'd sit me down, and you'd hold my shaking hand, and you would talk to me Josh. Talk to me for hours and hours and hours. Not once did you ever tell me they weren't real or to stop being silly, because it was the embodiment of something real. Panic is real. And I know that your cancer is real too, but Dr Mike and Kathy and everyone else say that you're getting enough oxygen with the help of that cannula. That thing in your chest suffocating you, it's not the cancer, it's the panic. And Josh, we can fix that,"  
"Yeah. Thanks Ty," Josh replied warmly.

"And I'm sorry about what I said when I swapped the oxygen over, I didn't mean to frighten-"  
"Tyler. It was a joke, I love that we joke."  
"Good, me too."

"Did you come by yesterday?" Josh asked.  
"Yeah,"  
"How long?"  
"8 hours ish, more like 7 and a half. But 2 of those were spent watching Gossip Girl with Ashley."  
"Should imagine watching your best friend semiconsciously vomit blood would be more fun than an episode of Gossip Girl," Josh smiled, able to talk clearly again.  
"But I just have to know whether Serena and Blair's friendship will survive now that Poppy is inspiring Serena to take her place in the spotlight. Sorry Josh but some things are more important," he smirked playfully.

"S'alright, I just ate too much raw chicken again," Josh made up a fake explanation for his ill health, a weird tradition they had done for months.  
"Is there a safe amount of raw chicken?" Tyler laughed.  
"Well when I find the perfect balance, you'll be the first to know." The other laughed too.  
"Thanks man, that's why you're my best friend."  
"No problem,"  
"You know, for a guy who can't eat, you eat a hell of a lot of raw chicken."  
"You reckon if I liquidised it and put it through my Hickman Line then that would work?"  
"I dunno if you can actually liquidise it, but I think we should definitely try it, don't see why not." Tyler said, cheeks aching from his grin as they both laughed at the ridiculous conversation.

Their mothers entered the room, both smiling at the sight of their happy sons. Tyler turned to face them and saw as Kelly looked at Josh sympathetically, so he shot her a warning glance.

"Go on then boys," Laura began as she walked over to her bedridden son and repositioned the soft beanie on his head affectionately. "What you laughing at?"  
"Raw chicken," Tyler replied cryptically, Josh smirking.  
"I'm not going to ask," she sighed, shaking her head. "Laughter's the best medicine though, so I suppose you can stick around Tyler."  
"Like to watch you try and get rid of me," grinned the younger boy, watching as Laura carefully picked up Josh's left hand, the significantly less painful of the two, and began massaging it.

"Have you done your hand exercises yet today sweetheart?"  
"Kathy stretched it for me but I haven't done any myself," Josh replied, looking up at his mother.   
"I know it's not your favourite thing in the world, but will you use the physio ball for a minute?"  
"Yeah okay,"

Whilst they spoke, Kelly walked to stand behind Tyler's seat and rested both her hands around his shoulders. Although normally he'd shake her off, instead he lent his head against one of her arms warmly. He felt her kiss him on the top of the head as he watched Laura get a small squeeze ball from the storage wall and put it in Josh's hand for him to fiddle with.

"Kelly," Josh said.  
"Yes sweetheart?"  
"It's good to see you, thank you for coming,"  
"Oh Josh you don't need to thank me, it's great to see you too. Things have been a bit hectic at work but I've spoken to your mom and I'm going to start coming round to pick Tyler up in the evenings as I'm driving home, so I dare say I'll see you at the end of the day." She smiled, but Tyler shrugged her hands from his shoulders and lent forwards in the chair.

"Well I probably ought to be heading off now, don't want to be late, but I'll see you later sweetheart," Kelly continued.  
"I'll show you out," Laura said.  
"No I will," Tyler insisted, standing up and walking out.

 

As soon as the kitchen door shut behind them, Tyler turned to face his mother angrily.  
"Mom," he growled.  
"Tyler sweetheart, what's wrong?"  
"You know exactly what's wrong, you're picking me up after work,"  
"I'm trying to be helpful,"  
"No, you're trying to make me spend less time with Josh."

"Sweetheart, Laura and I both agree that you're not giving yourself enough time to relax alone, and focus on you."  
"Mom we did this this morning! I'm fine! Please, let me be with my best friend whilst I still can."   
"I'm not banning you baby, I'm not, just making sure you're getting a break. Josh won't mind if you leave a few hours earlier."  
"You don't understand Mom, he's got a freaking brain tumour, half the time he doesn't even remember I was here at all. The longer I'm with him, the more opportunities he has to remember. What if he only remembers the time when you've taken me away, then he thinks that I haven't been there with him, there for him. Please Mom," Tyler appealed emotionally, and suddenly she burst into tears.

He sighed, then opened up his arms and let her rest her cheek against his chest. Big tears rolled down her face and Tyler wrapped her close to him, stroking her back soothingly.

"He looks so poorly," she whispered sadly.  
"He does Mom, I won't lie to you, he looks like he's on death's door and that's because he is,"  
"I'm so sorry Tyler,"  
"It's okay, I'm okay,"  
"Feels like just the other day that you two boys were creating that handshake and playing that silly frisbee game you invented on my front lawn."  
"Fris-soc-ball? Frisbee, soccer and basketball combined," Tyler remembered fondly as she continued to cry.  
"Now look at him,"   
"Mom it's okay to be upset,"  
"Sorry baby, sorry," she said, stepping back out of the hug and wiping her eyes, "It should be me supporting you, not the other way round."  
"No don't be silly Mom, we're a team."  
"Ty, do you really want to stay here in the evenings too?"  
"I really do,"  
"Okay sweetheart, okay you can stay," 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep I shortened the title because it was annoying me :)
> 
> Just a lil update for those who've been reading my notes before I delete them, and those who read Fear Will Lose. Basically I've been really sick recently with regards to my schizoaffective disorder and I honestly don't know why I'm having this relapse thing but regardless I've taken the decision to go back into hospital for a few weeks until things calm down. It's the ward that I based Campbell from Fear Will Lose on and it's super supportive and encouraging so I'm sure I'll be absolutely fine. Although I will have Internet, there's no guarantee I'll be in a good place to write/post, so just be patient pleasssse  
> Thank you for reading xx


	5. Chapter 5

Tyler didn't make it home in time for dinner, in fact he didn't make it home until gone 11pm. A 14 hour visit to Josh wasn't particularly unusual, and if it were up to him then he'd do it every single day, but unfortunately on Tuesday he had to go to school.

Even though Zack was a sophomore at Tyler's high school, Tyler preferred to walk rather than get a ride with him and his mom. It had started as suggestion from his therapist as a way to calm down, but had since become a habit that he actively enjoyed. With earphones shoved in his ears and hands shoved in his pockets, he braved the cold weather and began the journey.

 

Tyler has almost arrived at school, 5 minutes left of the half hour journey, when somebody jumped on him from behind. He groaned, pulling out his earphones and turning to face Brendon.

"One day you're going to kill me," Tyler sighed with a smile as they carried on walking.  
"Naw but I missed my baby Ty," he cooed.  
"I missed you too,"  
"You abandoned me yesterday, I had to eat my lunch with Jenna and Debby bitching,"  
"Jenna still going on about me?"  
"Yep, and this time I joined in because you're a meany,"  
"Well I'm here now aren't I?" Tyler smiled as they turned the corner.

"Where were Pete and Pat?"  
"Pete had his bipolar appointment at Young Minds in the morning so I dunno, guess they just stayed home after that." Brendon told him.  
"Oh yeah, do you know how it went? I mean I've barely seen him recently, how is he?"  
"Eh, not his best," he replied vaguely, but the look on his face told Tyler exactly what he needed to know.

"But don't worry Ty, Patty's looking after him,"  
"Yeah I know, he'll be alright in the long run. Just wish there was more I could do now."  
"Nah, you've got your hands full as it is. Take it you were with J yesterday?"  
"Yeah,"  
"How's he holding up?"  
"Sunday was bad, yesterday was better in the morning but not great in the afternoon." Tyler replied.

"Did you ask whether he'd like to see me?"  
"Yeah, in the morning he said yes but in the afternoon he forgot the conversation entirely. I'm sure he'd love you to come round, just be patient and gentle with him,"  
"Course,"  
"His memory is definitely on the decline, so, yanno,"  
"So he might not remember me?" Brendon asked.  
"No guarantees either way really,"  
"Oh,"  
"I mean he calls me Jordan at least once a week,"  
"That sucks Ty, I'm sorry,"  
"Nah it's alright, Jordan's awesome, I'm honoured really," he smiled.  
"Sure?"  
"These things happen, I'm a big boy, I'm over it,"  
"Ty I meant what I said on Sunday, I'm here,"  
"I know, but right now I've gotta go, I gotta find Coach and apologise for missing practice yesterday before first period starts, but I'll see you in music." Tyler said as they entered the school premises and went there separate ways.

 

  
As their music theory class came to an end and Tyler stood up to follow Patrick, Pete and Brendon out of the class, Mr Babineaux called his name.  
"Tyler, stay behind please,"

"Want us to wait for you outside?" Patrick offered, holding Pete's hand. Tyler saw Pete staring into the middle distance, a picture of pure misery. He remembered what Brendon had said earlier, and knew that Pete needed to get out.  
"No no, it's okay, meet you in the canteen,"

Once the door shut behind them and it was just Tyler and Mr B left in the room, the teacher beckoned him over with a finger then pointed at the nearest chair. As Tyler sat down, the Frenchman leant against his own desk.

"Tyler," he began in his distinctive accent. "I wanted to talk to you about the detentions I gave you,"  
"Yeah, sir I apologise for not going yesterday but I wasn't in school,"  
"Yes yes I understand, Brendon explained."  
"I can do yesterday's detention next Monday instead," Tyler offered.  
"No, actually Tyler, I'm scrapping all your detentions,"  
"So I don't have to go to any of them?" Tyler checked.  
"No,"  
"Oh, well thank you sir,"

"Tyler, Brendon explained where you were yesterday,"  
"Um, what did he say?" He asked a little apprehensively.  
"He told me about your friend, Joshua, and his ongoing fight with bone cancer,"  
"Bone, intestines, lungs, brain," Tyler listed.  
"Yes, Tyler I'm sorry,"  
"Don't be,"

"I know that perhaps this is not my place, but I want to ask whether you feel you are processing things sufficiently?"  
"Yeah, yeah I'm okay thank you,"  
"You know it's okay if you're not,"  
"I know, trust me I know, but I honestly am." Tyler nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it?" The Frenchman asked.  
"It's not that I don't want to or feel that I can't or anything, I just don't really have anything to say,"  
"I think you have a lot to say Tyler, I've read your lyrics, heard your music, I know that you think about things very deeply,"  
"Yeah I guess,"

"Could you tell me a bit about him perhaps?"  
"Well, uh, he first got diagnosed back in-"  
"Wait, no, not about the cancer, about Josh." Mr Babineaux interrupted.  
"Josh? He's my best friend and he's the funniest guy I know. Has been since I met him, and still continues to be to this day. Bravest guy as well."  
"Yeah,"  
"He liked playing the drums and soccer and he always used to love to dye his hair these crazy colour. And he can't do any of those now, but I guess that they don't make up who Josh is. He's more than hobbies, he's the voice at the other end of the phone at 3am, and the guy you know you can turn to when everything else seems to be turning to shit around you, and he's the one who's always there for you,"  
"Tyler, have you put much thought into the fact that he's not always going to be there for you?" The teacher asked cautiously.  
"Oh no, he will," Tyler nodded.  
"Yeah?"  
"Yeah we made a deal; once he pops off to heaven and he's sat in his cloud with his gold telephone and his angel wings, he's only going to answer my calls. No matter how many other people try to talk to him, he's reserving the line for me."  
"He'll be looking after you from up there I'm sure," Mr B nodded.

"Do they know his prognosis?"  
"They're saying weeks rather than months," the student answered.

"Tyler I know I've only been your teacher for a couple of weeks, but I want you to know that I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. Whether that's during the next couple of weeks, once it happens, or at any stage afterwards. You're always welcome to come here and talk to me, or just to get the key to the music room from me and go use the piano."  
"Thank you sir,"  
"In France we have a saying, mieux vaut prévenir que guérir, and it means that it is better to prevent than to heal. Talk to people Tyler, even if you think you're doing okay, talk to people. Losing someone is hard for everyone, especially in such a horrible fashion, it's normal not to be alright. It's better that we help you process it along the way, rather than you waiting until you reach a crisis point and can't go on and then reach out for help,"  
"I understand sir, thank you,"

"Is he in a hospital?"  
"No, he wants to be at home."  
"So I take it you've been visiting him a lot?"  
"Yeah I try to,"  
"Well listen, I want you to prioritise that for the next couple of weeks. Any homework assignments from me, you can leave them. Same with the detentions,"  
"Thank you,"  
"And again, if you ever need anything,"  
"I appreciate that a lot, thank you,"  
"I'll let you go and find your friends, but thank you for talking to me Tyler, and I'll see you tomorrow."

 

As Tyler walked from the music department to the canteen, he wondered slightly why Brendon had told the teacher about Josh. Tyler didn't mind particularly, he wasn't some dirty secret to keep hidden away, it just intrigued him a bit.

He sighed gently as he climbed down a flight of stairs, knowing that Mr B was now another name to add to the list of people who would be monitoring his every move. Between the various teachers who had helped him through panic attacks in their classes, teachers who were told by his mother that he would be missing their lessons to attend Young Minds appointments, and teachers who had taught Josh, Tyler couldn't think of a single teacher who didn't have some sort of reason to look at him with those pity filled eyes.

  
The canteen was busy when he entered, but Brendon caught his attention to their end of a long table with a wave. Tyler waved back before heading to the serving hatch and purchasing his usual Tuesday lunch of popcorn chicken with ketchup, a spoonful of mashed potato, green peas, a fruit cup and a giant chocolate chip cookie.  
For months he hadn't had motivation to eat at all, but eventually his mother, his therapist and Josh had convinced him to start trying to eat 3 meals a day again. And now he was hooked to the crap they served.

Tyler walked back to where he had seen his friendship group and set his tray down on the table, sitting down next to Patrick and opposite Brendon. As soon as his butt touched the seat, Jenna stood up with her tray and moved to sit alone on a table the other side of the room.

"Are you serious? Is she 5 fucking years old?" Brendon muttered angrily.  
"Please don't fight," Pete whispered scared, and Patrick squeezed his hand reassuringly.  
"Pete it's okay, we're not going to fight I promise, I'll sort it." Tyler said, standing back up with his tray and walking over to his girlfriend.

  
"Jen," he said, her back turned to him. "Jenna," Tyler continued, putting his food down and sitting next to her.  
"I'm not talking to you, please leave." She responded blankly, staring at the wall ahead of her.  
"I'm not going to talk to you, not properly, I just wanted to say that if you really don't want to sit with me then I understand. You go and sit with the guys and I'll stay here."  
"Stop trying to play the nice guy. If you really were the nice guy then we wouldn't be in this position in the first place."

"Jenna sweetheart-"  
"Don't sweetheart me."  
"Fine, Jenna, I'm not trying to play tactics or anything. I just want you to go and finish eating lunch with your friends."  
"So what? So I look like the bad guy?! Aw poor Tyler, having to eat his lunch alone, Jenna's such a bitch for doing that to him, let's all feel bad for poor poor Ty,"  
"That's what you're trying to do to me!" Tyler exclaimed, losing his cool for a moment.  
"You did this Tyler! You shut me out, you pushed me away. Not the other way round. You pushed me away, so let me be away."

"Jen, I don't want to fight, I promised Pete we wouldn't." Tyler said after a minute of angry silence.  
"So when Pete doesn't want us to fight then we have to stop, but when I came up to you on Saturday and said I wanted to sort things, I got it spat right back in my face."  
"Pete's not well-"  
"Really?! You think I don't know that?! Tyler do you know where I was last night? No of course you don't because you never talk to me, but you know what? You never talk to Pete either. Did you ask him how he is? Did you ask him, or did you just do your typical half arsed friend thing and ask someone else so you didn't have to get your hands dirty." She vented.

"You know it's real crappy of you Tyler, to pretend like you give a damn about Pete. When you were a Young Minds patient, every single one of us would ask you how you were every single day. But now you're on the other end, suddenly Pete's not worth a text?"  
"Jenna I get you're mad, but don't you dare suggest that I don't care about him,"  
"If you cared then you'd know that yesterday his appointment was the hardest he's ever done because they're seriously considering hospitalising him. And if you cared then you'd know that last night I was at his house because Patrick called me in tears. Patrick needed to take a shower but he couldn't leave him in case he tried to hurt himself again. Tyler I was on his suicide watch last night." She said emotionally. "You know what, you're right. I don't belong here, I'm going back to sit with the people I care about. I'll leave you alone, which is fitting considering you only give a damn about yourself."


	6. Chapter 6

As practice finished on Wednesday and Tyler left the locker room after his shower, a wave of fatigue hit him. Despite his argument with Jenna the day before, he had a really nice evening with Josh and hadn't left until 11.30pm. That combined with the full day of school he'd just done as well as two hours of basketball was suddenly taking its toll.

Before he began the 30 minute walk to Josh's house, he took a moment to rest up on the bench outside the gym and check his phone. He'd only been sat for a minute when Debby sat down next to him in her cheer outfit.

"Hey stranger," he smiled, locking his phone.  
"Hey, how was practice?" She asked, leaning back against the bench.  
"Yeah really good thanks, how was cheer?"  
"It was alright, got dropped on my face but otherwise alright. Are you waiting for a lift?"  
"Nope, are you offering though? I'm exhausted,"  
"Go on then," she grinned, "Where's Debby's taxi service going today?"  
"J's"  
"Oh," the copper haired girl replied, face dropping.

"Debby," Tyler sighed sympathetically, "You can't keep avoiding him,"  
"Yeh, uh, how is he?"   
"He's usually in good spirits but the same can't be said for his health, I think you need to see him sooner rather than later,"  
"I know I know, I just," she tried to explain slowly, staring at another bench a little further away. "I c-can't,"  
"Yeah you can, it's hard but you can," Tyler told her.

"Did he believe the thing about me having a cold?" The cheerleader asked quietly.  
"Yeah, but it's not a matter of you making up an excuse Debby. Please, see him, talk to him, you'll regret it if you leave it too long,"  
"I, I w-want to remember him how he was, I want to think of my Joshie when people say his name, not how sick he looks,"  
"He's still your Joshie,"  
"He's not. And I'm sorry, I know this makes me a crappy person, but I can't do it. I can't sit there and look at him with all those tubes poking out of him and medical equipment and machines and everything at the ready, I can't,"   
"It's normal to be overwhelmed by it, okay? It's normal to scared and worried and frightened, that doesn't make you a crappy person."

"I don't want to lose him Ty," Debby said, tears spilling from her eyes. She shut them tight and Tyler wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her against his own, her head collapsing onto his neck.

"I know sweetheart, I know. But you know what? He gave it his absolute best, he threw everything he possibly could and more into recovery, and he will never ever stop fighting. He hasn't given up, and that's all we can ask from him. He never gave up, and he's going to keep fighting for those extra couple of weeks, couple of days, couple of hours. And he hasn't done that for himself, it would be so much easier for him to let it win, no he's fighting to stay here for his family and for me and for you. He's giving us that little bit of extra time to be with him, so that's what we need to do. I know it's horrible, but we need to be with him."  
"Y-yeah, I just, ugh, can I come with you? I can't do it alone, I just can't. Will you stay with me, please," she said emotionally, sitting up and wiping her running mascara.  
"Of course, Debby I'm always going to here okay?"  
"Thank you Ty, you're so brave, thank you,"

 

  
As Debby parked her car outside the Dun's house, Tyler reached across and held her shaking hand.  
"You okay?" He asked as she wiped her tears with her free hand.  
"No," she sighed.  
"Need to take a minute?"  
"No, no let's do it,"  
"Alright, try your best to stop the tears if you can, and you can always step out of the room if you need a break," Tyler told her.

They got out of the car and walked up their path towards the front door, and Tyler saw Jordan sat on the step. He soon realised that the teen had a cigarette hanging from his bottom lip.

"Jordan,"  
"Oh hey guys," he said, looking up with tired eyes.  
"Hi," Debby whispered quietly.  
"Gimme that, the heck you doing?" Tyler said, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and putting it out with his foot before picking the butt back up so he could throw it away properly.  
"Ain't it obvious?"  
"Your brother's got lung cancer and you're messing about with these?"  
"Ugh, don't get all righteous with me Tyler,"  
"Where's the pack?"  
"Gone,"  
"Jordan give it to me,"  
"Fine," he groaned, reaching into his pocket and giving Tyler the half empty box.

"You gonna come in with us? Or need to stay out for a bit?" Tyler asked gently.  
"Out," Jordan sighed.  
"Want me to come check on you in 10 minutes?"  
"Just go sit with Josh,"  
"Yeah I'm going to, but still I'll come check in 10 alright?"  
"15," Jordan mumbled.  
"Okay 15," Tyler nodded before moving to open the door.  
"Love you Jord," Debby told him, ruffling the tired younger brother's hair.

  
Once they walked into the Dun's kitchen, Tyler walked over to the sink and immediately filled the cigarette pack with water to spoil them, then tossed them in the bin alongside the butt.  
"Is he okay?" Debby asked as Tyler returned to the sink and began cleaning his hands.  
"Jordan? Not a talker, but we spend a fair amount of time sat out there together. He's just scared about Josh and doesn't deal with it in the healthiest of ways."  
"Yeah," she sighed.  
"Do you wanna wash your hands and then we can go through?" Tyler said, standing out of the way.

 

Tyler lead the way to Josh's ground floor bedroom, Debby following just behind. Before he opened the door, he gave Debby a reassuring hand squeeze and she gave him a shaky nod.

"Joshua Jishwa William Dun," Tyler grinned as he made eye contact with his best friend.   
"Eugh, not you," he groaned playfully.  
"Yep me, and I also dragged this stranger in off the street," he joked as he grabbed two chairs to sit beside Laura, and revealed Debby stood behind him.

"Hey Pickle," she smiled, Tyler smiling proudly too as she managed to stop her tears.  
"Baby?" The sick man called out, reaching out his left hand clumsily. Debby took a nervous step forwards, then another 3 faster until she was at his bedside. Tyler watched as she took his shaking hand in both of hers and stroked him with her thumb.

"Yeah it's me," she nodded.  
"Are you, are you feeling better?"  
"Yeah, and I'm sorry J, but I'm here now,"  
"It's okay baby, not your fault you got sick," Josh told her as Tyler sat down next to Laura.

"I missed you," Debby told him, losing control over her watery eyes as a few round tears rolled down her cheeks.  
"Missed you too beautiful,"

"Can I kiss him?" Asked the cheerleader, turning to face Laura for permission.  
"Yeah of course sweetheart, not on the lips though," his mother nodded.  
"Lips are just for me," Tyler added with a smirk.  
"Debby things have been getting reaaallly weird between these two boys whilst you've been away, let's just say I'm glad you're feeling up to coming again." Laura smiled, and Debby laughed under her breath before turning to Josh and planting a kiss softly on his cheek. After the first, another, then another and another, each slow and gentle and intimate.

Tyler turned away slightly, giving the couple a little privacy. His eyes caught Laura's, and then the mother placed her hand on top of Tyler's on the chair arm rest.  
"Thank you," she mouthed silently, and Tyler nodded. Laura knew Debby didn't really have a cold, she knew that the girl was struggling with seeing Josh in his rapidly declining state, and she knew it would break Josh if he found out.

"Debby sweetheart, you wanna go up on the bed?" Laura offered.  
"That okay Pickle?"  
"Yeah," Josh answered, still holding her hand.  
"Yes please," Debby nodded to Laura.  
"Can you do the rails?"  
"Umm, I think so," the cheerleader replied, letting go of her boyfriend's hands and trying to put down the side of his bed so she could climb on.

Tyler watched as Debby rattled the padded bars for a minute, fumbling with the catch. After a moment he stood up and went to help her.  
"Just gotta push it away from you as well as up," he explained whilst doing it for her, then sat down again.   
"Thanks Ty," she smiled tearfully.

"Get over here beautiful," Josh said to his girlfriend, but as she slowly walked back over to him Tyler stood up and sprinted round her. Before she could sit down, Tyler jumped onto the space next to Josh and planted his own sloppy kiss on Josh's cheek.  
"Don't worry Joshie, your one true love is here,"  
"Get off," Josh laughed, Laura and Debby laughing too.  
"Like I said, it's been weird," Laura repeated.  
"I can see that," Debby sniffed, taking her place in the large gap between Josh's skeletal body and the edge of the bed. He was hidden under a stack of comforters but Debby lifted them up and let herself under too. Josh stretched out his left arm a little so that she could lay her head back on it, but she paused right before she made contact.  
"Am I okay to put weight on your bad shoulder?"  
"It's the other one darling," Josh answered.   
"Oh, yeah, of course it is, yeah, sorry," she back-pedalled before laying against him.

"Naw ain't this cute. Photo op," Tyler chimed, standing up from his seat again and taking out his phone.  
"Tyler I hate you," Josh murmured into his girlfriend's hair.  
"Oi, once you're dead this photo will look fabulous on your Facebook page," Tyler retaliated, instantly regretting it as Debby's face curled a little. Josh kissed her on the top of the head, or at least tried to, and Tyler attempted to move on.

"Plus if I take it on my phone then I can draw little devil horns on Debby for taking my place. Or better still I can photoshop my face onto her body."  
"Debby's body with Tyler's face, now that's a thing of nightmares," Laura commented, and everyone laughed including Debby. Tyler quickly took the photo and, once he was sure he was happy with it, he slid his phone back into his pocket.

"Well I'll leave you two lovebirds to it, and Momma Dun to third wheel. I'm gonna go see Jordan,"

 

Tyler found Josh's little brother still sat on the doorstep, this time flicking a lighter.  
"Hey Jord, am I good to sit with you?"  
"I guess," the younger boy sighed as Tyler settled next to him.  
"Suppose it's not really worth it for me to ask how you are?"  
"I'm just great," Jordan said flatly, watching the flame.  
"Listen I'm not trying to lecture you, but the cigarettes-"  
"I won't do it again,"  
"You mean that?" Tyler checked.  
"They didn't even help, so yeah, no point in them,"  
"Alright good," he replied, then they fell into silence.

"Did you make it in to school today?" The older asked.  
"Nope,"  
"How about your sisters?"  
"Ashley did, Abi's still not leaving her room." He murmured.   
"Josh have a bad night?"  
"4 seizures then his crying kept me up,"  
"Was he-"  
"Can we just not talk about him please,"  
"Course, sorry."

"Tyler," Jordan said a minute later.  
"Yeah?"  
"When my brother dies, are you going to kill yourself?"  
"No,"  
"Me neither,"   
"Good," Tyler nodded, a little taken back but knowing that Jordan was having a rare open moment, "Have you thought about it?"  
"Hasn't everyone?"  
"Jordan, if you're-"  
"When you tried to kill yourself last time, I predicted it. I guessed it, ask Josh if you don't believe me, but I called it."  
"Right," Tyler swallowed, not sure where this was going but trying his best to stay calm how he had been taught.

"I saw it in your eyes. You were all over the place before, frantic and erratic and unstable, but then once you had the plan in place you just had this calmness. You were calm in the lead up last time, and you're calm now."  
"I'm calm because I'm better Jord, genuinely,"  
"Sure," Jordan nodded doubtfully, flicking the lighter again.

"I am. Young Minds agree, they discharged me from the outpatient program, so now I've just got my medication and my therapist. Things are better now,"  
"But your best mate is about to die, things shouldn't feel better. You should be crying and screaming and contemplating setting the whole god damn world on fire because none of this shit is fair," the younger snapped, clearly talking about himself.  
"Gimme that," Tyler said, taking the lighter out of his hand, "No, none of this is fair, in fact I don't blame you for getting angry. And if you want to do something with that anger then tell me, but don't burn stuff, that's how accidents start. We'll find a better way Jord, find some old junk and smash it against a wall, or-" he continued, but was cut off as the front door opened and Debby ran out sobbing.

"Debby, Deb," Tyler said, standing up and chasing her down the path. He finally grabbed her wrist and she turned around with her eyes squeezed closed and mascara everywhere, her lower lip taking the pressure of her top teeth.

"What happened?"  
"I can't, I can't I'm sorry," she sobbed.  
"You were doing so well and I'm so proud of you Deb, what changed?"  
"He was sick, and it was, it was blood Tyler," the copper hair girl cried, and Tyler wrapped his arms around her.  
"Shhh, shh it's okay sweetheart, it's okay, give him two minutes to clean up and he'll be alright,"  
"He's not alright, and I, I can't Ty, I can't, I have to go, I'm sorry but I can't do this," she insisted, pulling out of the hug and walking to her car.

"Just, tell him I love him and I'm sorry,"  
"Debby think about this for a minute." Tyler said, stopping her from shutting the door with his body.

"Please," she sobbed.  
"Okay firstly you shouldn't be driving like this, it's dangerous. And secondly, Deb, Deb look at me, just take a second to think about whether this is how you want to leave him. Are you saying that this is goodbye?"  
"I-I, don't, kno-ow," she broke down against the steering wheel. Tyler crouched down next to her and rubbed her back.

He was about to say something when Jordan appeared behind him.  
"Uh, Debby, we've uh, we've got hot chocolate, you wanna come sit with uh, with Ty and me? Not with Josh, I mean I get it, just uh, just come calm down then you can go home." The teen mumbled.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Jenna was the last person Tyler was expecting to see when he opened his door to walk to school on Thursday morning. Despite his girlfriend only living 5 minutes away, they very rarely made the journey to school together. Even when they were madly in love, inseparable, Jenna always opted to get a ride from Debby and Tyler always chose to walk alone.

He sighed as he shut the door behind him and walked to the gate she was leaning on. Tyler knew this wouldn't end well, it never did between them.

"Morning,"   
"Hello," she said icily.  
"Look if you came here for a fight, can you at least save it for the last part of the walk? Because either way we still have to get to school."  
"Well after the trick you played yesterday, Debby's staying home today so I've got no ride. Great going by the way,"  
"I'll take that as a no then," Tyler muttered, setting off and not waiting for her.

The previous evening Tyler and Jordan had helped Debby back inside and calmed her down, but she still couldn't work up the courage to see Josh and had instead driven herself home. Jordan sulked back up to his room, whereas Tyler went and sat with Josh. Josh continued to struggle for the rest of the evening and didn't remember Debby's stopby at all. Tyler couldn't decide whether that was a good thing or not, knowing that he would love to know his girlfriend visited but would hate himself for scaring her off.

"Don't walk away from me Tyler," Jenna said, catching up with him.  
"Don't wait at my gate just to attack me,"  
"I'm not here to attack you,"  
"Well why are you here?!"  
"To stick up for my best friend, leave her alone Tyler,"  
"You want me to leave Debby alone, right, yeah that makes sense." Tyler groaned sarcastically.

"Yes, actually, it does make sense. She made it very clear that she did not want to see Josh and yet you forced her to Tyler! I was on the phone to her in tears until 11pm-"  
"And you know where I was Jenna? I was wiping Josh's chin clean of the blood he was vomiting whilst he called me Jordan. I swear every time we talk, you always have to bring up how hard things are for you. I am sorry, okay? I am sorry that Pete's sick and Debby was upset, but that is not my fault." Tyler spat, blood beginning to boil as he walked quicker.

"You know what Tyler? I don't even recognise you anymore,"  
"What the heck is that supposed to mean?"  
"You never used to be like this, the Tyler I knew would never try and make excuses for upsetting someone, he would have some decency and properly apologise."  
"Are you kidding me Jenna?! Are you actually kidding me?!"  
"What! It's true!"

"Okay first let's settle this, I didn't upset Debby, her dying boyfriend did-"  
"No but-"  
"Don't you interrupt me," Tyler growled fuelled with rage, "And secondly you know the reason I apologised all the time? I apologised because I constantly blamed myself for everything, I thought that every tiny thing that went wrong was my fault and I spent every waking hour of every single day feeling guilty for crap that was entirely out of my control! I felt so guilty that I would punish myself Jenna - but you know that, you've seen the scars. If you really prefer the Tyler who wanted nothing more than to die then maybe I'm better off without you. We're done."

Tyler turned 180 degrees and began storming back down the sidewalk to his house and away from his now ex girlfriend, when suddenly she called his name. He ignored her and carried on striding angrily but she jogged to catch up with him, grabbing his arm. He tried to shake her off but she held it tight.

"Will you just let go?!"  
"Tyler, Tyler please, tell me you're not going to do something really stupid, please,"  
"I'm going home,"  
"To do what? Please Ty, just stop, please," she begged, and Tyler begrudgingly stopped walking but she didn't release her grip.

"Please Ty, I'm not asking you to forgive me, I just need to know that you're safe,"  
"I'll be safe," he sighed quietly, anger subsiding a little at Jenna's desperation. Tyler took a second to breathe, then walked the few steps over to the curb of the quiet road and sat on it, Jenna sitting next to him.

"Tell me to shut up if I'm being an idiot," Jenna began quietly.  
"You're not an idiot Jen,"  
"I can be sometimes. Look, Ty, no matter what else is going on between us, I don't ever want you to think that I'm upset you're recovering or anything even remotely close to that. I am so proud of you, so proud, and that doesn't change whether we're fighting or not. You know that right?"  
"I guess it doesn't always feel like it," Tyler told her truthfully, fiddling with his hands.  
"I'm so sorry baby, I'll try my best to support you more - if you want me to that is,"

"Jenna,"  
"Yeah?"  
"What did I do wrong?" He asked shyly.  
"Nothing,"  
"I want to sort this Jen, I want us to sort this and we can't if I don't know what I've done wrong,"  
"I just miss you Ty," she whispered, reaching out and holding his hand. "I'm lonely without you around as much. I miss the little good morning text, and how you'd watch my cheer practice even though you found it really boring, and the way you would sometimes leave flowers on my doorstep just cos. And I get why you don't anymore, but I miss you,"  
"I miss you too, I miss us being us,"

"I'm jealous Tyler," Jenna admitted, tears rolling down her face as she stared at the middle of the road.  
"Of J?"  
"Yes, I'm jealous of an 18 year old with terminal cancer, of a guy who is in constant pain and can't eat or walk or sit up. I am such an awful person,"  
"You're not," Tyler intervened, still holding her hand.

"It's not just how much time you spend together either, it's everything,"  
"How do you mean sweetheart? It's okay, you can tell me, I won't be mad,"  
"He's your best friend Tyler, when he was at school he's the one you looked up at when the teacher said get in pairs, he's the one you would make plans with before inviting the rest of the group, he's the one you shared an earphone with. He's the one you made music with, and went on 3am heists to Taco Bell together. He can make you smile no matter what with only a couple of words, and I try so hard but I never seem to be able to. When it's the middle of the night and you're having a bad one, it's him you call. He's the one you talk to about everything big and scary and overwhelming. He's the one who can make it all better for you Ty. Even when we were so so close, it was still him you turned to when you needed someone. I try so hard to be there for you baby, but Josh is so much better than me," she cried, and Tyler just scooted closer to her and wrapped his arm around her thin shoulders.

"And I'm scared Ty, I'm so so scared about what's going to happen when he passes away. What if I can't look after you? What if we lose you too,"

"Jenna, oh Jenna, shh it's okay, I promise it's going to be okay," Tyler told her, pulling her into a tight hug and whispering into her blonde hair.

"I'm not going anywhere alright? You have my guarantee I'm not going to do anything stupid. Yes it will be hard, but I know I can beat this thing Jenna, I know I can. Josh is my best friend and I love him dearly, but that doesn't mean I want to follow him. I won't do that to you. Baby I love him, but I love you too okay? I'm sorry we've grown apart recently and although I know it's nobody's fault, I think we both admit we could have tried harder. I know you're scared Jen, and I'm scared too. I'm scared that he's going to be in a lot of pain, and I'm scared I'm going to leave something unsaid that I'll always regret, and I'm scared that I won't do him justice in his eulogy. It's okay to be scared Jen, it's okay as long as we take that energy and we put it into something productive and healthy. I'm scared but I'm blogging a lot and I'm telling my therapist and I'm talking it through with Josh. You're scared, and you've done the right thing and you've told me. Baby we can work through it together okay? You and me, a team again. And I know it's going to be difficult, but I really want us to make it work. I know it's hard for you, but I need to spend time with Josh. I'm still going to see him as much as I can, but you're welcome to come with me, or to call me when I'm walking to and from, or when I'm home or just any time. Let's get some communication going again,"

"Yeah," she nodded tearfully. Tyler reached up and gently stroked them away with his thumb, then leant in and pressed his lips softly against hers.

 

 

"Tyler?" Josh slurred.  
"Yeah,"  
"H,ws col?"  
"How was school? I didn't go today mate, after Jenna left my place to go find Debby I came straight here," Tyler reminded him.  
"Deb?"  
"Yeah that's right, Deb," the younger nodded.  
"Imizher,"  
"You miss her?" Tyler guessed and Josh nodded like a sad yet drowsy toddler. "Don't worry she'll be round soon I'm sure. She came yesterday, can you remember that?"  
"Din't,"  
"She did J,"  
"You'ra, you'ra li-ar," Josh accused him from the brink of consciousness.  
"Do you want to look at the picture from yesterday again?" Tyler offered, sliding the phone out of his pocket to show the confused teen for the fourth time, when Josh's eyes casually rolled into the back of his head. Rather than opening photos, Tyler opened clock and began timing immediately.

"Laura! He's gone again!" Tyler called out to the seizing man's mother. He knew exactly what to do when Josh was having a seizure but still preferred her to be there.

She walked quickly into the room as Josh shook violently on the bed. There was nothing they could do to stop the seizures but they could at least keep him as safe as possible until it stopped naturally.

His jerking limbs were extremely painful, but that would be made excruciating if he were to bang any against the padded sides of the bed.

"How long?" She asked, making sure his oxygen tube didn't get caught around his tensed thrashing hand.   
"32 seconds,"   
"Alright it's okay Josh, Mom and Ty are here, shh it's okay darling," the mother whispered soothingly as Josh involuntarily grunted and flailed.

Tyler watched as Josh's whole body bucked and contracted and jerked erratically, but he was particularly focused on watching Josh's left leg. The left knee was his initial cancer site and 2 years later was by far the weakest part of his body. But as Tyler monitored its awkward kicks, he didn't notice Josh's wrist lurch towards Tyler's side.

"Tyler, wrist, watch his wrist!" Laura called out concerned but caring and Tyler immediately stopped the horrifically bruised arm hitting the rails over and over again.

"Sorry,"   
"It's okay," she told him whilst stroking Josh's twitching cheek, "Sshhh you're okay baby, it's okay, not much longer I promise, shh, it's going to stop soon, I love you handsome boy,"

"That's two minutes," Tyler said a moment later, glancing at the time as Josh's uncontrollable jerks showed no sign of slowing down.

He wasn't afraid of his best mate's seizures, but that didn't mean he didn't feel a weird sense of unease as he grunted and dribbled and thrashed. His stomach always dropped at the sight, it wasn't going to stop him helping but it was something he couldn't help. Josh was his best friend regardless of whatever health issues he was battling with, but Tyler hated seeing him so obviously struggling.

He hated the seizures, but he hated the pain Josh felt afterwards even more. The teen had once described it to Tyler as feeling like every single fibre of his being was on fire and all his nerves were rawly exposed then attacked by relentless currents of electricity. He said that the powerful pain meds didn't even make a dent and it often took hours before he was able to move without wanting to scream.

"That's it sweetheart, shh, you're okay, it's finishing, it's finishing," Laura whispered comfortingly as Josh slowly began to calm down. "How long was that Ty?"  
"2 minutes 52,"   
"Less than 3, okay good, you're doing so so good baby," The mother told her son despite knowing that he would still be postictal and therefore confused and unable to properly speak sense for about half an hour after the seizure.

Tyler could tell that Josh was slowly coming round when the tears began.

At first it was just stray drops that ran and joined the saliva covering his chin that Laura had begun wiping up, but then the pained expression and sobs joined too. Josh's face crinkled up around his eyes and nose and his teeth dug into his bottom lip as the first cry broke, raw and heart wrenching.

"It's okay baby, I'll get the morphine," Laura told her son as he broke down, sob after sob, this time shaking his body in a whole different way.  
"Josh you're going to feel better soon, it was nasty but it's finished, it's over I promise. Every minute that passes is another minute closer to the pain going away," Tyler attempted to calm the hysterical man down whilst Laura prepared a syringe full of pain medication. She opened the port on his chest and introduced it into his line, shushing him slowly as she pushed the end down until all the liquid was gone.

"Baby it's finished, the seizure's finished, but if you need to pass out then you can, you don't need to stay conscious for us," she said to him and his eyes immediately rolled again as he fainted.

"Ty, can you start another timer for me?"  
"Yeah," he nodded as he reset the clock.

Despite Josh passing out from the pain, the reaction after the seizure hadn't been as bad as Tyler had seen in recent days. He didn't scream, just sob. And he continued to sob despite being unconscious.

"Josh sweetheart, let's get that lip out of there," Laura said as she plied the chapped and bloody lower lip from between Josh's clenched teeth. She then smiled sadly but warmly at Tyler whilst continuing to stroke her unconscious son's less painful hand with her thumb.

"That one was under 3 minutes, I think they're getting shorter again," Tyler commented.  
"Yeah they've been round about the 3 minute mark during the day for the last 2 or 3 days now, but nights have been really bad,"   
"Hospitalisation bad?"  
"Probably," she nodded with a sigh, "If it were easy and relatively painless to take him then definitely, I mean in the early hours of this morning he had a cluster of 3 back to back without stopping seizing for 14 minutes,"   
"Jees," Tyler whispered horrified, "doesn't that mean he was in status epy-thingy?"  
"Epilepticus, yeah," Laura nodded again, "But I don't know what we can do Ty; I mean I could take him to hospital but getting him there would be so painful that I doubt he'd stay conscious, and you know how much he detests that place. Plus it's not like they can make things better. Unfortunately it's just something we're all going to have to deal with at home whilst he continues getting more poorly,"  
"Yeah, we'll all look after him,"

"About that Ty, I think I'm going to get his nurses to start slowly transitioning to full time care,"  
"Oh,"  
"It's not like I'm trying to get him off my hands-"  
"No of course not," Tyler supported, Josh still crying unconsciously on the bed between them.

"It's just I can't leave him for a second anymore, what with how much he's vomiting at the moment and him not being strong enough to turn his head. He needs someone to make sure he doesn't choke and I can't do that and also do things like go to the bathroom or answer the door to his pharmaceutical delivery team. It's two minute tasks but he can't go two minutes choking,"  
"Yeah no I understand, you don't need to explain yourself to me,"   
"One of the many things I love about you Ty," she told him and Tyler laughed slightly as he breathed out, "I know you need your time with him, so if he's doing okay then you can ask the nurse to leave so you can talk to him like usual. It's just if he's particularly fitty or vomitty then it's better a professional's on hand."  
"Uh yeah, I mean it's up to you so of course," Tyler nodded, watching Josh cry.

"Tyler if you don't think it's a good idea then you can say, you're a part of this family too."  
"Well it's just that he'll hate it, but you're right, he needs it,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys x
> 
> So I eventually posted, but it's been a crazy (literally in some senses) couple of days. I'm still inpatient on my version of Campbell, but I'm getting a couple of hours home leave everyday. So far they've been going well, and yesterday was definitely the best because I got to go see twenty one pilots live :D 
> 
> I went to the London show and it was honestly the best night of my life. Those two boys... Motivation doesn't even begin to explain what they've done for me


	8. Chapter 8

"Josh,"  
"Yeah?"  
"Quite a few of the gang wanna come see you, would you mind?" Tyler asked.  
"Who?"  
"Brendon and Jenna, and Patrick wants to if he can arrange something for Pete,"  
"Yeah course," the sick man nodded, smiling despite Tyler knowing how much pain he was in.  
"Awesome, I'll let them know,"

"But uh,"  
"Yeah I'm listening,"  
"If I get sick, like uh, yeah, can you get them to leave?" Josh asked.  
"Course," Tyler reassured him, a little upset to hear Josh say something out of character, but agreeing anyway. He didn't like the idea of Josh being ashamed of himself being sick, or scared of scaring people, but he tried not to think about it too deeply. Ty knew Josh would make some grumbly groan about him overthinking everything.

"What's going on, with Pete, and, Pat, rick?" Josh wheezed, struggling to catch his breath a little.  
"Pete's not very well at the moment-"  
"Bipo-lar?"  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded, "I've not really had a chance to have an in depth discussion with either of them but Jenna told me he's been all over the place recently, dangerous, so they might admit him to a psych ward. But in the mean time Patrick's looking after him,"  
"If, if, if, if, if, if, if,"  
"Next word Josh," he prompted him.  
"He goes in, will you tell me?"  
"Yeah I'll keep you in the loop," Tyler nodded. "But you know me J, I'll always keep you in the loop."  
"I know," Josh smiled.

"How's 'trick holding up?" He asked after his friend, a friendship that Tyler knew was special. What with Josh taking care of Tyler when he struggled with mental illness, and Patrick taking care of Pete with his own mental health issues, they had formed a unique bond. Before Josh had become too sick to leave the house, him and Patrick used to look out for each other and make sure they weren't getting too stressed.

"Understandably upset, but Jenna's been helping them both out as much as she can,"  
"I wanna see them," Josh mumbled.  
"Pete and Pat, or Jenna and Pat?"  
"All 4,"  
"3. Josh you know Pete doesn't find it easy, I'm not so sure it's a good idea for either of you." Tyler told him with a heavy heart, feeling guilty as Josh's face dropped glumly.

"Please," he whispered hoarsely.  
"J, do you remember what happened last time?" Tyler tentatively asked.  
"Yes of course I do!" Josh snapped back. Tyler knew that Josh was in constant pain so of course took no offence from the attacking tone, but felt more concerned for how his best friend was feeling.

"Sorry, it's just, I, I, I'm never gonna see him again, am I?" Josh continued, suddenly a flurry of tears running down his face.  
"Maybe not whilst you're still down on Earth, but you know what's gonna happen J? We're all gonna meet up again over on the other side, the whole gang. And you remember when we all went to Cincinnati last year and you were the only person who had been before, so we all just followed you round in your wheelchair as you ordered me to push you to the best record shop and pizza place. Well that's what we're relying on you to do whilst you've got this head start up there with the big guy. Whilst we're busy with college and work and all that stuff, you need to be focusing on finding Heaven's best record shops and pizza places. That way once we all join you later on, we can get pizza together again like usual. Pete will be there, we'll all be there Josh, all of us together and there's going to be no pain I promise." Tyler said with a smile.

"It's gonna be bad," Josh whispered a moment later.  
"What's gonna be bad?"  
"Well I'm, I won't be sick anymore, so uh, I'm gonna gain so much weight eating pizza everyday for the next 70 years,"  
"Josh," Tyler laughed, relieved Josh was able to joke about it again. "We both know you're gonna be absolutely ripped. I mean you used to eat like 9000 calories every single day and you still had washboard abs, like a freaking 32 pack."  
"36 pack I think you'll find." Josh corrected with a smirk.

"Besides, you'll be able to hit up the heaven-gym and play heaven-soccer and go heaven-skateboarding." Tyler added.  
"Walking, I'm most excited to walk again."  
"Yeah dude, I mean come on, over 3 years getting pushed everywhere? That's just hella lazy,"  
"Guilty," he smiled.

"Tyler,"  
"Yeah?"  
"You, uh, you promise it's gonna be 70 years?"  
"Course, 70 minimum." Tyler nodded.  
"Don't join me any sooner." He said seriously.  
"I promise I won't."  
"Can't break a promise to a dying man. And uh, and I uh, I need that, that time to uh, to find all the um, um,"  
"Record stores and-"  
"Record stores and pizza places." Josh finished.  
"I know J, I know. I promise I'll finish up my life down here properly, marriage, kids, midlife crisis etc, before I join you."

"Ty,"  
"Oh sorry, I got it," he replied as he saw the saliva bubbles in the corner of Josh's mouth turn to a dribble running down his chin. Tyler grabbed the cloth he had left hanging over the bed's rail and wiped it up for him. It was something that Josh had initially felt really uncomfortable about, but was now part of everyday life. Tyler understood why his best mate hated relying on other people so much, but it didn't change the fact that he needed them.

"Tired?" Tyler asked as Josh blinked slowly.  
"Always,"  
"Sleep if you need to, you're looking a bit pale,"  
"I've got, I've got days to live so I'm s-sorry I haven't been sunbathing enough, Mr I-live-in-O-Ohio-but-somehow-I-always-have-a-bronzy-t-tan," Josh teased before breathing quickly to make up for lost breaths.

"It's all those sun beds I've been using," Tyler replied sarcastically.  
"May-be I should try it. See, if, I can get skin cancer, t-that way I'm clo-ser to a f-full house."  
"Tell you what, you're not far off mate. Just get some sleep, I don't mind."  
"I'm gonna do my, my, usual thing of saying no then falling assssleep 2 minutes later."  
"Haha okay,"

"How are you sleeping?" Josh asked sincerely.  
"Better, yeah, a lot better. Tuesday night was kinda crappy-"  
"Why?"  
"That was the day Jenna shouted at me about Pete in the canteen, you remember?" Tyler explained and Josh nodded. "Yeah I guess I sorta got myself wound up thinking about it so I didn't sleep great, but every other night's been good recently. Getting at least 5 or 6 hours and I'm still on those meds so it's not taking me longer than an hour to actually fall asleep."  
"Good,"  
"Yeah I'm pleased," Tyler agreed.

"Nightmares?"  
"Nope I'm good on the nightmare front. Presuming tonight and tomorrow are fine then that means I've gone the entirety of October terror-free."  
"That's great," Josh smiled tiredly, seeming genuinely pleased.

"D-du-s that mean tomorrow's Hall, Halloween?"  
"Yep, All Hallow's Eve is upon us." Tyler confirmed for him.  
"Whatcha doin?"  
"Me? Nothing mate. Thought I'd come chill with you,"  
"Go have fun, with, Bren and the guys,"  
"I always have more fun with you though J, I'd rather be here."  
"Okay, stubborn, but, but do costumes? I'll be, um, I can be the Frankenstein monster," Josh grinned, looking down at his scar-covered tube-littered green-tinged body that was exposed above his usual blankets due to his hot flush.

"Oo harsh," Tyler laughed, "As cool as that is, your mom would never let you call yourself that,"  
"True," Josh said but before Tyler could reply, the door opened and Ashley walked in.

"Hey," Tyler smiled at her as she walked over to the foot of Josh's bed.  
"Hi,"  
"Ash we need help with Halloween costumes,"  
"I presume you're doing a couples costume?" She said timidly but with a shy smile, playing with the blanket folded at the end of the hospital bed.  
"Couples costume!" They both exclaimed at the same time before laughing.

"You two are actually romance goals," the younger girl whispered gently, looking up at her brother.  
"Bromance," Josh corrected.  
"J baby! Baby I got it!" Tyler exclaimed excitedly, and Josh just rolled his eyes at Ashley. "You can be the Hazel Grace to my Augustus Waters,"  
"What the..."  
"I mean you've got the cannula, all I need is to hack off my leg and then we're sorted," He continued with a playful grin.  
"We are in no way sorted." Josh disagreed, and Ashley just laughed softly.

"Um, Ty, my mom wants to talk to you in the kitchen," Ashley told him a moment later.  
"Okey dokes, don't miss me too much Hazel," Tyler smiled at Josh as he stood up. "Okay?"  
"I'm not doing the okay thing."  
"Joshie," Tyler sulked.  
"Fine, okay," Josh smiled tiredly as Tyler walked to the door and Ashley filled his seat next to her brother's head.

 

"Hey Laura,"  
"Hi Tyler, come sit down," The mother told him, gesturing to the chair across the kitchen table.  
"Oop, am I in trouble?" He smiled despite an actual build up of anxiety beginning in his stomach.

"Wouldn't say trouble, just need to see where you're at sweetheart,"  
"Right,"  
"Ty I just got off the phone with your very worried mother, darling she's been sat in the car outside your therapist's office for the last half an hour waiting for you,"  
"Oh dammit," Tyler groaned, completely forgetting to tell her that he'd cancelled his appointment.

"Is there a reason you haven't been answering your phone? She called you quite a few times."  
"It's on silent in my jacket pocket," he sighed, rubbing his face, "Did you tell her I'm okay and I'm here?"  
"Yeah, she's on her way,"  
"Thank you."

"Tyler be honest with me, why aren't you at your therapy?"  
"Wanna be with J,"  
"You've been missing a lot of school recently to be with him darling so you've had a lot of extra time together; I think you could have taken an hour away this evening to go talk to Dr Kahana."  
"There's always gonna be other opportunities to talk to him, same can't be said about Josh,"  
"Would Josh agree? Would he want you in there with him rather than getting help?"  
"It's just one session,"  
"Okay let's try it the other way, if Josh skipped one of his hospital appointments to spend time with you, would that be okay?"  
"Course not, but it's not the same." Tyler sighed again, playing with his fingers.

"Tyler it is the same. You know me, I love you with all my heart and you're like my son, and I'm so proud of how far you've come, but you need to keep that up yeah?"  
"Yeah,"

"Talk to me sweetheart, how are things?"  
"Good," Tyler nodded, suddenly very conscious of every single movement and breath and glance he made, not wanting to make the analysing woman think otherwise.

"I'm not Dr Kahana, but I am a concerned loved one. Come on Ty, give me something a bit more than that." She said gently.  
"Better, I'm a lot better. Yeah, I dunno what else to say,"  
"Mood? Sleeping? Meds? Panic attacks?"  
"Mood's generally good, I sometimes dip in the evenings but yeah, not letting it get too bad or anything, it's all within normal parameters,"  
"Yeah," she nodded, listening intently.  
"I was just telling Josh actually, I'm uh, I'm sleeping considerably better, and I'm barely getting nightmares anymore."  
"Bet he was happy to hear that, he worries a lot you know."  
"I know, uh, can he hear us?"  
"No course not sweetheart, is there something you need to say?"  
"No no," he back-pedalled, pulling his fingers more.

"You wanna tell me about your medications then?"  
"Yeah, I'm uh, I'm still on the max dosages of all of them but hopefully not for long. I might ask to have that reassessed pretty soon since I feel better. And my mom lets me do them by myself, like she relies on me to take them every morning and every night and she trusts me to keep the packets in my drawer rather than her locked cabinet now."  
"Oh that's good she's giving you responsibility, but if it's too much then I can always store excess ones here if you're feeling unsafe,"  
"I'm fine, but thank you,"  
"Okay darling, and maybe wait a couple of months before getting them all taken down, just until things settle with Josh." She advised, and Tyler nodded without really thinking.

"What did I say next, panic attacks?" Laura continued. "And before you start, I am aware that you've been having them,"  
"Huh?" Tyler tried to ask casually but his heart was beginning to pound, something he knew was ridiculous.  
"Got very observant kids. Jordan saw you in the nurse's office at school the other day, and your sister told Ashley who told me about the ones at home,"  
"Oh, um, yeah, I was in the office but it wasn't a panic attack,"  
"Ty, it's me, you don't need to be okay for me. I'm not Josh, or your mom, or your siblings - I'm just here to talk."  
"Thanks," Tyler squeaked, wanting nothing more than for the conversation to end. That or to throw up.

"What's been happening Ty? Why are you panicking?"  
"I haven't,"  
"Okay what about the one in school? What was that one?"  
"Nothing,"  
"Tyler why don't you want to tell me? Sweetheart you're not going to be in trouble. You're unwell, not in trouble,"  
"I'm not unwell,"  
"Right," she sighed doubtfully.

"They're um, they're not panic attacks. I've just been getting these stomach pains recently,"  
"Stomach pains?"  
"Yeah, like sharp stabbing, but they go away after a minute so the nurse said just take some painkillers and make sure I'm drinking enough," Tyler told her truthfully.  
"And are you? Drinking and eating enough?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Have you been to a doctor?"  
"No, but it's fine."  
"And I take it Mom doesn't know?"  
"She worries enough as it is,"  
"Of course she worries, we all worry Tyler. I'd be worried about you even if Josh was fighting fit, but I'm especially worried because he isn't. I know it might be a pain to have people always checking up on you, but I think this is a very valid reason to do so. We want to help you, and we all need you to be safe."  
"Thank you,"

"About the pains, is it the same as the ones you had last time? The anxiety aches?"  
"I don't know, I mean, probably, I dunno what else it could be,"  
"Alright darling, well I think your mom still needs to know okay?"  
"Really Laura, I'm fine, genuinely fine. Of course I'm not jumping for joy, Josh is the way he is, but I'm doing okay. Depression side and physical health side."  
"I'm glad to hear you think that," she nodded, but Tyler could tell she didn't believe him.

"But can we make a deal?"  
"Uh yeah, okay,"  
"If there's something you need, you come to me okay? Anything at all. And in return I'll let you stay with Josh as long as you need, if your mom wants you home then I'll do everything I can to convince her to let you stay. Does that sound fair?"  
"Yes, thank you," Tyler nodded.

"Alright good. She should be here pretty soon, but just to warn you, she was very upset."  
"Crying?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Shoot, I'm so sorry,"  
"No no it's okay, just make sure you say it to her too."  
"Of course,"  
"Ty, might be a silly question but why did she get so upset? Normally when you come round here without telling her she's pretty relaxed about it."  
"Yeah no I know, it's just after therapy, yeah, I um, that's when I'm at my worst." He told her and she just nodded as though she wanted him to continue. Wanted him to spell it out.

"I mean not so much now, but when things were crappy I would always be a complete mess. Usually she'd sit in the car in the parking lot with me whilst I broke down or had a panic or whatever, but sometimes I wouldn't even make it to the car. Sometimes she'd meet me crying on the steps, and sometimes I'd run before she had the chance. Didn't always end well for me. So yeah, guess she thought I'd run off to do something dumb."  
"Oh sweetie, bad times like that are in the past now, yeah,"  
"Thankfully," Tyler nodded and, as if orchestrated, his mom arrived.

 

Tyler waited in the kitchen as Laura answered the door, anxiously tugging and wringing his hands. If he were at home then he'd help himself to another anxiety pill, but the pack he left at Josh's for emergencies had run out. He knew that they weren't intended to be taken on a situational basis, but it usually did the trick and calmed down his racing heart. And it was definitely racing as he awaited the impending lecture from his mom.

"Ty baby," she said as she entered, arms extended. He sighed shakily before walking over and letting her embrace him. One hand held the back of his neck and the other rubbed his back up and down.

"I'm sorry,"  
"Sweetheart, you know what happens after therapy, don't scare me like that,"  
"I am sorry,"  
"I love you,"  
"Love you too,"

"Are you okay?" She asked, pulling him out of the hug but holding him at arm's length.  
"Yeah," he nodded more enthusiastically than he whispered.  
"Need to go sit in the car?"  
"No," Tyler shook his head.

"Had me worried," Kelly sighed, letting go of him at last, smiling sadly. "Thank you for having him Laura,"  
"It's always a pleasure."

"Should we get going baby? Home in time for family dinner?"  
"Or I can feed you Ty," Laura added, keeping the promise they had made earlier.  
"Yeah I'm gonna stay Mom,"  
"Sure?"  
"Please," Tyler appealed, and she took a moment to decide before eventually nodding.  
"Okay then, but home by 10 please."  
"Thank you,"  
"Ty do you wanna go back to Josh? Just wanna talk to your mom for a minute." Laura said, and Tyler nodded silently before turning and leaving the room.

 

Before Tyler opened the door, he shook his head rapidly for a few seconds. He didn't know why the sitdown with Laura had suddenly caused his anxiety to spike, but he desperately wanted it to go away. He needed a pill. But he had to make do with the shaking head and the deep breaths.

Tyler resisted the urge to slap himself out of it, and instead pushed the door open and smiled at Josh.

"Hi,"  
"Hey Tyler," he smiled back. "How was school?"  
"School? Uh good, yeah good thanks. How was your day?" Tyler nodded as he realised that Josh had forgotten he had been there a few minutes ago. Again.


	9. Chapter 9

_Group chat: Debby, Jenna, Patrick, Brendon, Tyler [inactive members: Pete, Josh]_

_Tyler: Spooky's hosting a Halloween party, who's in?_  
_Brendon: Party? I heard party. Consider me already there._  
_Tyler: Not your standard vodka fest, more visiting him for like an hour and saying hey, maybe a glass of ice water if you're a good boy_  
_Jenna: What time? xx_  
_Tyler: Earlier in the day the better he is, so 1 till 2 sound good?_  
_Jenna: I'll be there <3_

 _Debby: How is he today?_  
_Tyler: Best he's been in a while, better than when you last came_  
_Debby: Okay I'll come too_  
_Jenna: Stick with me Debs, you'll be okay xx_  
_Brendon: I'm in_

 _Patrick: Can somebody help us out?_  
_Tyler: What do you need?_  
_Patrick: Pete needs to stay home today but I'd quite like to see Josh. If someone could come sit with him for half an hour then I'd appreciate it_  
_Jenna: Want to tag with me? I'll stay with Josh for half an hour then come to Pete's place and swap so you can have half an hour?_  
_Tyler: I'll sit with him_  
_Patrick: Sure Ty?_  
_Tyler: Yeah, J really wants to see you and Jenna so I'll let you guys spend time with him and I'll take care of Pete_  
_Patrick: Okay I'll talk to him then message you privately, thank you_

 _Brendon: So what do we need to bring/do?_  
_Tyler: Arrive at 1, try wear clean clothes if you can and properly wash your hands when you get in the kitchen. Then yeah, don't breathe or sneeze on him or anything but otherwise just chill with him like normal._  
_Brendon: Okay_

 _Tyler: Oh is anyone sick at the moment?_  
_Jenna: No x_  
_Debby: I'm not_  
_Brendon: Nope_  
_Tyler: K good_  
_Tyler: Hopefully he'll be okay for the whole hour but if not then just step into the kitchen_  
_Brendon: Alright_  
_Tyler: I'll stay whilst you guys settle in then I'll pop over to Pete's, but I'll be there when you arrive_  
_Debby: See you then x_

  
"Josh,"  
"Yeah?"  
"They're coming in an hour," Tyler told him and the sick man instantly beamed, his chapped lips pulled tight across his grin.  
"Debby and Bren?"  
"Yep, and Jenna and Patrick too."  
"Trick?"  
"Yeah Trick's coming mate, Pete's gotta stay home but Trick's coming." Tyler nodded, happy Josh was so happy.  
"I'd kiss you if it wouldn't kill me,"  
"Damn immune system, getting in the way of our blossoming love," the younger smirked.

"I said only come round for the one hour, but if you're gonna sleep or have a fit then they can always leave earlier."  
"Yeah, I'm due a shit ton of meds soon and that includes epilepsy medication so I should hopefully be okay on that front, but they are going to make me sleepy so the guys'll just have to accept that my Halloween costume is Sleeping Beauty this year." Josh smiled, and Tyler couldn't help but smile at how clear and well structured the sentence was.  
"Yeah, you'll be absolutely fine J,"

"Thanks, so um, who's taking care of Wentzy?"  
"Me,"  
"Oh,"  
"That alright? Or would you prefer me here?"  
"Um, yeah, it's fine,"  
"Sure?"   
"Sure." Josh nodded.  
"I said I'll stay whilst the others arrive, so I'll only be gone like 45 minutes, and your mom can stay in with you."  
"Ty I'll be fine. Promise I won't die whilst you're out,"  
"Cheers man, but uh, I was thinking like anxiety sorta side of things? Need me for that?" Tyler asked.  
"You're the anxious one Ty," he smiled back.  
"Yeah but it would be normal to feel a little apprehensive about them all coming round, not worried about anything?"  
"You really do worry too much Tyler, I'm fine," Josh laughed at him, and Tyler did his best to believe him.

_Private chat: Patrick_   
_Patrick: Pete's okay with you watching him later, thank you so much for doing this_   
_Tyler: Not a problem_   
_Tyler: Wanna give me run down on how closely I need to watch him etc?_   
_Patrick: You remember the Young Minds monitoring system?_   
_Tyler: Oh the joyous memories -_- yep_   
_Patrick: They're advising level 2 atm but I've been level 1 recently just to be extra careful_   
_Tyler: Arm's length or in vision?_   
_Patrick: Arm's length_   
_Tyler: Okay of course_

_Patrick: Despite what he might tell you, he's had all his meds so don't let him have anymore_   
_Tyler: Okay_   
_Patrick: He didn't sleep last night so I'm hoping he'll just nap whilst I'm gone, but I'm not convinced._   
_Tyler: We alright just to sit in front of the TV if he's awake?_   
_Patrick: Yeah, but you should know that he had a psychotic event whilst watching it last week when he was manic so bare that in mind and keep him safe if it happens again - you know what to do_   
_Tyler: Will do_   
_Patrick: Today's a low day so he shouldn't have any reckless plans in mind. Just watch out for self harm basically_   
_Tyler: I'll look after him I promise_   
_Patrick: Thank you_

"Josh, I'm texting Patrick, is it okay if he stays a bit longer than the rest?"  
"Course."

_Tyler: I know I said an hour to the guys, but take as long as you need with Josh_   
_Patrick: It's okay, I'll get back to Pete as quick as I can_   
_Tyler: If you need to then I understand, but don't feel obliged. I promise I'll take care of him and I'll call you if there's a problem, you just take some time to hang out with Josh. You need to relax, and you need to spend time with him because there might not be many more opportunities_   
_Patrick: True_   
_Patrick: You sure you'll be okay for like half an hour longer?_   
_Tyler: Honestly, take a couple of hours if you want_   
_Patrick: Thank you Tyler, I really owe you_   
_Tyler: Don't mention it, just look after yourself for a change_

 

Tyler and Josh talked for another 10 minutes before Laura walked in carrying a tray covered in various syringes and inhalers and nebulisers.  
"Ty do you wanna step outside a minute?" She asked as she set the tray down on the table.  
"Mom he's helped me in the shower and on the toilet far too many times to be embarrassed by a tincy little set of injections."  
"Amen to that," Tyler laughed. "Want me to go?"  
"Nah it's fine," Josh told him.

"Alright then J, you gonna stay conscious today?" His mom asked  
"I'm a bit twitchy,"  
"I'll do epilepsy meds first, but if you know you're still gonna go then nod at me and I'll switch your nebuliser back to oxygen, okay?"  
"Yeh," Josh nodded with a yawn.

Laura smiled at him and repositioned his baseball cap fondly, then put on a pair of blue gloves and measured out his first syringe full of diazepam carefully, squeezing out any air bubbles. She opened the permanent IV port on the inside of his arm and slowly pushed the medication into his bloodstream.

"Aren't I due an eye test?"  
"Eye test?" Laura asked as she began setting up for the next.  
"Yeah, diazepam, if you take it then you're supposed to have an eye test every 6 months because it can make you lose your sight. Must have been 7 since my last." Josh reminded her, watching closely as she repeated the injection into his arm.  
"Closer to 12 months sweetheart, but that's only for if you're going to be taking it long term, as in for years and years. Remember, we decided it's better for you to keep using it for your seizures. You don't need to worry about long term side effects baby, yeah?"  
"Oh, uh, yeah," Josh said as he realised what she was saying.

He'd die before he'd go blind.

"Josh, you remember that time I went to the opticians and I thought the letters spelt out dick," Tyler said with a smile, and Josh's lips turned back up too.  
"Oh yeah,"  
"Turns out it was actually something completely different, and that doctor was almost crying he was laughing so hard."  
"And yet you're not wearing glasses," Laura shook her head with a smile.

"J baby, peak flow meter before or after nebuliser?"  
"Before." He replied, so Laura picked up the small measuring device. All Josh had to do was blow as fast and as hard as he could into the mouth piece and it would tell Laura how well his lungs were functioning. She would then record the number in a diary and keep track of how well he was doing.

First she pressed a button on his bed so he was sat up ever so slightly more, and Tyler smiled at him as he winced painfully. As Josh acclimatised to his new position and stopped biting his bloody lip, Laura passed him the device. It slipped out of his hand at first and fell to his lap, but she picked it up and helped him to hold it. He shakily lifted it to his mouth.

"Big breath," Laura instructed, and Josh did just that. He blew into the device and the marker moved, then Josh began panting. Laura took the meter and failed to mask a sigh, and both Josh and Tyler knew that the number must have been low.

"Lemme, have, a-nother, go," Josh gasped.  
"It's okay sweetheart, breathe normally."  
"One, more,"  
"Okay but you need to stop gasping first. Normal breathing sweetheart, remember what Dr Mike said, imagine you're blowing on a hot chocolate, good, okay better," Laura supported him as he calmed down his erratic breaths.

"Again," Josh pleaded, so Laura reset the instrument and brought it up to his lips, this time holding it for him. He repeated the sharp blow before breaking down into a violent coughing fit. Laura put it aside and placed her hand on his forehead, propping up his head that had fallen forwards with the ongoing attack. Josh continued to cough, his whole body jerking with the action.

"Is anything coming up?" Laura asked but Josh couldn't answer, then a second later a small amount of blood sprayed from between his lips. Laura wiped it up with a clean cloth whilst Tyler stood up and walked over to the storage wall, found a disposable vomit bowl and handed it to her.

"Thank you Ty. J baby, be careful, you're gonna pass out if you keep this up." She said, still holding his forehead up. He coughed up another mouthful of blood, which Laura caught in the bowl, then relaxed against the bed and breathed quickly but shallowly.

"I'll give you a nebuliser baby, it will help," the mother told him warmly, turning back to the tray.  
"Again," he wheezed.  
"What? The peak flow?" She asked and he nodded slightly.  
"Josh come on, don't be a tit." Tyler told him.  
"You've got all your friends coming round soon, let's not have you being rushed back to ICU again with your lungs. Give yourself a break sweetheart."  
"Tired," he murmured with his eyes closed.  
"You can go to sleep handsome, I'll finish off and wake you up when your friends are here." She told him, and Josh immediately drifted off.

"If only it were that easy for us to sleep hey," Laura said quietly to Tyler as she prepared Josh's nebuliser mask.  
"In my dreams," Tyler replied with a small smile despite being serious. It had taken him almost 4 hours to fall asleep the previous night, and he still woke up after 3.

He watched as Laura carefully removed Josh's oxygen cannula from his nose and replaced it with a full mask of the device that turned his medication into a mist that he could breathe.

Once it started working, she began working on the next set of injections he needed. The nebuliser took 15 minutes to administer all the medication, and it would take Laura equally as long to inject him full of the rest. Tyler sat back casually, remembering when Josh had been scared of needles. He had to get over that fear pretty darn quickly, especially as he choked on even the smallest of pills. Tyler couldn't help but watch as Laura pushed the sharp end into Josh's thigh and imagine the pain in his own leg. Not crave, Tyler didn't crave it, he simply imagined.

 

 

After the others had arrived at Josh's and they were all settled in and comfortable, Tyler made Josh promise not to die and then he left for Pete's house.

All the friendship group lived in the same area, and Josh and Tyler were the furthest apart at opposite ends of town. However Tyler was used to making the trek, so the shorter distance to Pete's house flew by in no time.

Pete lived at home with his parents and younger brother and sister, but none of them paid him much attention. As he was both gay and mentally ill, he was seen as the problem child, the let down, the embarrassment not worth their time. They weren't aggressively homophobic or abusive, just preferred to imagine he didn't really exist. And for that reason Patrick stepped in and looked after him as much as possible.

When Tyler arrived at the door, he knocked then pushed it open, knowing Patrick wouldn't leave Pete to come and open it. He entered the large home of the wealthy family and took off his shoes, then walked down the hall. As he walked past a glass coffee table with a weird silver statue on it, he couldn't help but read the handwritten note that accompanied an envelope full of dollars.

_Peter_   
_Taken Hilary and Andrew to their ballroom dancing competition in Baltimore for a few days, return date depends on their success_   
_Left some money to pay the gardener, and you can use remainder for acquiring groceries if you wish_   
_Regards,_   
_Your mother and father_

Tyler sighed at the ridiculousness of the message before continuing down the hall and into the living room where he knew the couple would be.

"Hi," he said softly as he made eye contact with Patrick who smiled from the couch, Pete resting against his chest.  
"Hey Ty," Patrick replied tiredly, and Tyler sat down on an armchair next to them. He could clearly see the bags under Patrick's eyes, and the bandages wrapped around Pete's arms as he stared blankly into the distance.

"How are you?"  
"I'm good thanks," Tyler smiled. "It's a bit cold outside so the walk was chilly, but otherwise good. You two?"  
"We're okay, aren't we Pete," Patrick blatantly lied, and Pete continued to ignore them both.

"Everyone arrive okay at Josh's?" Patrick asked.  
"Yeah yeah, everyone's there. Brendon arrived a bit early but the girls were on time and they're all sat with him now. Of course Brendon couldn't resist messing about immediately,"  
"Course," he forced a smile. "What he do this time?"  
"Josh has got a hoist so that he can move from the bed and into his wheelchair or into the car for hospital appointments. He lays in a fabric support thing and Brendon decided that he would use it as a hammock rather than sit in a seat like a normal person. Then of course he found the controls and began moving himself all around the room."  
"Typical Bren, was Laura angry?"  
"Laura's never angry, she doesn't have a single ounce of anger in her. She just laughed, and Josh was laughing too so it's all good."  
"Good," Patrick said, then kissed Pete on the top of the head.

"You gonna head off soon?"  
"I don't know if I'm gonna go anymore Ty, I might just FaceTime him another day."  
"Go," Pete whispered, voice hoarse.  
"Sure?" Patrick checked, and Pete nodded. He took a moment to think about it before deciding that he would do as planned and visit Josh. The younger then sat Pete up against the back of the couch and stood up himself.

"K I'm going to get some stuff for you, but I'm coming back I promise," he told his sick boyfriend, who nodded slowly.

Patrick walked out of the room but Pete barely seemed to notice, still staring emptily into the distance. Tyler stood up and moved to sit on the same couch as him, but left a pillow in between so to give him a little bit of space.

They had spent many nights in that position before, both sat silently on the couch whilst Josh and Patrick watched them carefully. But things were different now because Josh was sick and Tyler wasn't. He wasn't sick. He wasn't. He was fine. He wasn't sick.

"Okay I got Meerkat Manor from your room babe, plus green tea Kit Kats, a box of Smucker's Uncrustables, and Red Crush Soda." Patrick told him whilst putting down the DVDs and snacks on the table, but again Pete didn't react. Patrick picked up the DVD and walked over to the TV and put it in the player, then pressing play on an episode.

"Pete, babe look at me, I'm going to Josh's for an hour but I promise I'll be back soon. If you need me then tell Tyler and he'll call me, and we can speak on the phone until I get home. Tell Tyler if you need anything at all, and please sweetheart, let him look after you."  
"Ok," Pete whispered.  
"Promise me you'll stay safe,"  
"Promise," he replied noncommittally. His boyfriend sighed before stroking Pete's cheek with his thumb and quickly kissing him.  
"I'll be back soon,"  
"Bye Patrick, have a nice time," Tyler called after him as he left the room.

"Watch the meerkats in silence?" Tyler asked Pete, who nodded immediately, so that's what they did.

 

40 minutes after Patrick left and neither of them had said a word. Tyler had helped himself to a soda and looked over at Pete every couple of minutes, but the boy's absent eyes were fixed on the meerkats.

"Tyler," he whispered, barely loud enough to hear.  
"Yeah?"  
"How long till Patrick's home?"  
"Uhmm, about another half hour. Is that okay?" Tyler replied, and Pete nodded sadly. "I can call him if you like, you can listen to him talk." He suggested but Pete just shook his head no.

  
"That meerkat's called Shakespeare Whiskers," Pete said a moment later, repositioning so he was cuddling his legs and leaning against the couch.  
"Which one? The left?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Do you like him?"  
"Mmm," Pete nodded. "He uh, in A Family Affair, the last episode, he got bitten, by uh, got bitten by a snake."  
"A snake? Tough little guy."  
"Yeh." He agreed, then they went back to watching in silence.

  
"Tyler?"  
"Yeah,"  
"When's Josh going to die?"  
"I don't know Pete."  
"Soon?"  
"Soon." Tyler nodded.

  
10 minutes later Pete, seemingly unprovoked, picked up a scatter cushion and threw it to the other side of the room with a small angry grunt.  
"You good?"  
"Uh huh," he nodded, getting comfy again. "When are you coming back to Young Minds?"  
"I'm done mate, officially discharged." Tyler told him, finishing off the last dregs of his soda.  
"Yeah but when are you coming back?"  
"I'm not planning on ever going back."

"Everyone thinks you're gonna kill yourself."  
"I know,"  
"I think you should,"  
"That's not a very nice thing to say Pete,"  
"I don't want you to succeed, I just think you should try."  
"Why?"  
"You'll get readmitted and they'll look after you properly." He murmured, playing with the bandage covering his thumb.  
"Or alternatively I could just admit myself voluntarily. But Pete, I don't need to be in hospital, I'm fine."  
"S'like looking in a mirror, I say that all the time, and we both know we're lyyyinnnggg."

"I appreciate your concern but I am alright Pete, now how about you? You gonna let them admit you?"  
"Dr Twatface says I have an unhealthy reliance on Patrick,"  
"And what do you think?"  
"Oh he's completely right." Pete nodded. "If I go in then I'd only be allowed to see him for an hour every other day."  
"If you engaged in treatment then it wouldn't be for long, you'd be home in no time."  
"We both know that's not true. You said you'd be home in no time and it was 9 weeks, and I'm even more fucked than you."

"What does Patrick think?" Tyler asked, ignoring the comment about his own hospitalisation.  
"He wants me to ask my parents to pay for this clinic he found in the middle of nowhere. It's called The Retreat and it's where all the posh cunts go. Super fancy, super expensive, super up itself, super everything I hate."  
"Why that one then? Why not Young Minds?"  
"Better facilities, better trained staff, better staff to patient ratio, and slightly more visiting time."  
"Go for it then I say," Tyler said.  
"That requires talking to my parents, and that's pretty much by appointment only."  
"How long have they been in Baltimore?"  
"They're in Baltimore?" Pete replied quietly surprised. Tyler was about to tell him about the note he saw in the hall when his phone began to ring. He showed Pete that the called ID was Patrick and he nodded permission for Tyler to answer.

"Hey Pat,"  
"Hi, Pete okay?"  
"Yeah we're good,"  
"Alright well I'm on my way home,"  
"It's okay, stay a bit longer if you want."  
"No we need to swap, Josh wants you."  
"What happened?" Tyler panicked.  
"I don't know if anything happened to trigger it but he's been crying a lot and sobbing he misses you and he wants you,"  
"Shoot okay, is he there? Can you put me on speakerphone?"  
"I'm already half way home, sorry,"  
"Uh okay, well thanks for telling me, see you in a minute." Tyler said, and then the phone went dead. He sighed and Pete noticed.

"Pat okay?" Pete asked.  
"Yeah, he'll be back in a couple of minutes."  
"Josh okay?"  
"He's upset,"  
"How come?"  
"He just has bad patches when it comes to regulating his emotions, he's probably noticed I'm not there and scared himself over it, got quiet tearful."  
"What a baby."  
"He's got a brain tumour Pete." Tyler said protectively but careful not to sound attacking.  
"Wish I had an excuse for emotional irregularity."  
"You do." Tyler replied, referencing his bipolar diagnosis.

"Is he simple?"  
"What? Josh?"  
"Like is he super fucked up?"  
"No,"  
"You have to say that, you're his best friend."  
"Yeah he's my best mate, but doesn't make it any less true. He's sometimes sicker than other times, but he's not simple or super effed up."  
"Pat's uncle had a brain tumour and he went crazy, forgot everyone and spent all day kicking and fighting off nurses so they decided to sedate him until he died."  
"I'm sorry to hear that," Tyler said, suddenly having to focus very hard on the meerkats on the screen. Look at the meerkats, you're okay, you're fine, you're fine.

"Pat says that Josh is going to forget who you are."  
"Right,"  
"Pat says you're going to relapse because of it, end up back in stitches."  
"Pleased he's got such faith in me."  
"He also said you're going to kill yourself when he dies,"  
"Uh huh,"  
"He thinks you're going to put it down to wanting to be with him up in heaven."  
"Right,"  
"But you're not going to go to heaven. Suicide sends you to Hell, you're going to be trapped in Hell whilst he's up there having it easy."  
"Yep," Tyler said, watching the meerkats, just watch the meerkats.  
"I said that's what it will feel like even if you don't kill yourself. Your life is going to be Hell,"

"Pete tell me more about Shakespeare Whiskers." Tyler tried and failed to change the topic.  
"Josh is the only person who cares about you."  
"Pete,"  
"And now he's going to die."  
"Is that Shakespeare?"  
"Pat said he's surprised you've lasted this long. He thought you would have started cutting to cope again. He thinks you'll start soon." Pete said but Tyler couldn't look away from the screen. "Josh won't be able to talk soon, that's what Pat thinks will break you. He said that or when Josh starts slowly drowning as his lungs fill up up up with fluid and he chokes and begs but nobody can save him, not even you."  
"Shut up, just shut up." Tyler snapped before covering his face with his hands, trying to get the mental image out of his head.

Tyler's face was still covered with his hands when Patrick entered the room.  
"Hey,"  
"Pat," Tyler heard Pete say, and it sounded as if he was crying. He removed his hands and looked over to the man he was supposed to be caring for, and saw tears running down his face.  
"I'm here sweetheart, I'm here," Patrick said softly, going to hug Pete but stopping as the fragile man extended his arms to reveal a small but growing red stain on his otherwise clean bandage.

"Pete did you reopen one with your nail?" Patrick sighed concerned, holding Pete's wrist so he couldn't hide it.  
"Ty shouted at me to shut up," Pete sniffed and Patrick immediately wrapped his arms around him whilst looking over at Tyler disappointingly.

Tyler remembered everything Pete had said, how many times he had cited Patrick as his source. He decided that he didn't need to explain himself to someone who spent all their time plotting and planning his downfall, so he stood up and walked out of the room and back towards Josh's house.


	10. Chapter 10

"Tyler,"  
"Yeah?"  
"Why, why are you here?" Josh asked.  
"Cos I love you man,"  
"And I love you too, but uh, but you should should go to church."  
"Nah, it's November now mate and the heating's broken so it's absolutely freezing," Tyler lied. "Rather be here with you."  
"Freezing here too." The sick man shuddered.

"Want me to get you another hot water bottle?"  
"Got them all already."  
"Don't your physio wheat bags heat up? Could shove a couple of those in the microwave then put them on your duvet." Tyler offered.  
"Too heavy, they hurt."  
"I can put them around you rather than on you."  
"S'fine,"  
"I could always climb up there and you could have some of my body heat if you want, bro hug it out?"  
"Haha, well as tempting as that sounds, it would probably kill me."  
"True," Tyler nodded with a small smile.

"Mom, uh, my mom, she um, she spoke to me last night for a really long time."  
"What did you talk about?" The younger asked, repositioning himself on the chair and resting his head on his hand as he listened to Josh reply quietly.  
"Lots of stuff. Things she doesn't usually tell me, but uh, she said that she doesn't want to shelter me from it all anymore. Thought I deserved to know."  
"Yeah,"  
"Like about my family and stuff, how they're doing."  
"What did she say?" He asked interested.  
"My brother, um, my brother, uh,"  
"Jordan,"  
"Yeah, Jordan's been getting mad a lot. He's uh, he got suspended for fighting on Friday so he's not allowed back to school till, um, think it was Wednesday."  
"Was she mad? Your mom?"  
"No not really, I think she gets that I'm stressing him out."  
"The situation is stressing him out, not your fault." Tyler corrected.   
"However you wanna say it, you know what I mean."  
"Yeah,"

"Ashley's been uh, she's been sleeping in my mom's bed for the last few weeks. Mom said she gets sad at night."  
"Well I think that's understandable," Tyler nodded slowly.  
"But I'm not dead yet,"   
"No, but you are sick J and nobody likes seeing somebody they love unwell. Plus she's probably thinking about the future and what's to come, and that's why she's sad."  
"Yeah," Josh seemed unconvinced.

"What about Abigail? Did your mom say anything about her?"  
"Yeah, she's going to uh, to, she's gonna go stay in Toledo for a while." Josh told him.  
"Toledo? That's like 150 miles away, the heck she going there for?"  
"Dad."  
"Wait, she's going to live with your dad?" Tyler checked shocked.  
"Yeah, did you know?"  
"No, I had no idea you guys even had any contact with him."  
"Abi does, and my mom does very very occasionally, but I don't."  
"Good, he's doesn't deserve it."

"She's moving out on Tuesday," Josh continued.   
"How long for?"  
"I don't know, Mom just said that she needed to get away from it all and Dad offered her a place."  
"And your mom's just letting her go? After everything he did?"  
"Yeah, Mom told me that she never leaves her room and she's really worried about her, so I guess she's hoping that he will help her since she can't because she's always stuck in here watching me."  
"Well I want what's best for Abi, and I'm not convinced that's your dad but I guess I'll support her if she's decided."

"Mom, she uh, Dad wants to visit me and Mom wants to know whether I'm okay with that."  
"No. No way Josh, no."  
"He's my dad Tyler, I have to."  
"He almost killed you, there's no way I'm letting him anywhere near you. You shouldn't even be contemplating this."  
"He was drunk, he didn't do it on purpose."  
"That's not an excuse! In fact it makes it worse, he shouldn't have been drinking when he was supposed to be looking after you!" Tyler retorted bitterly, anger building in his stomach already as he remembered.

"I put a lot of stress on him,"  
"J please stop defending that man, and please stop blaming yourself. He's an alcoholic who thought it would be a great idea to get drunk then do your meds and inject you with an entire bottle of morphine. He poisoned you Josh, overdose, you were on a ventilator for 5 days - that's not something that you can just forgive and forget about."  
"I don't, won't, forgive him, I just think he should be allowed to see me. It's been like a year since the incident and the divorce and the last time he saw me. He might even be sober."  
"2 years J, but I mean ultimately it's your decision and I'll support you either way, but if it were up to me then I'd want him as far away as possible." Tyler calmed down.  
"I dunno, I'll think about it,"  
"Alright man,"

"Uh, there was another thing too,"  
"Can you remember it?"  
"I think so, gimme a minute," Josh said tiredly.  
"You've said quite a lot today, if you want to take a nap then that's cool, we'll finish up afterwards."  
"No, uh, no I know, she wants, my funeral, she wants me to think about what I want."  
"Oh okay, you feeling well enough to have a little brain storm of ideas?"  
"Yeah," Josh replied.

"Have you got any paper in here?" Tyler asked as he stood up and walked over to the storage wall.  
"Second column, third from the floor," Josh directed him to the box, which Tyler quickly located. He pulled the blue plastic handle and opened it, but couldn't immediately see any paper. Tyler rummaged around for a minute, finding boxes of medication and various intubation tubes but no paper. As he reached to the back, his fingers made contact with packaging that he soon discovered to be a pack of scalpel blades. Blades. Shit. He instantly felt his breath catch in his throat and his heart begin to pound. It would be so simple, slip them into his pocket and carry on like normal. Go on Tyler, take them home. Go on.

"Tyler," Josh said, and he immediately turned around to see what was wrong, expecting to see drool or twitching but actually finding a confused expression.  
"Yeah?"  
"Wrong drawer,"  
"Oh sorry, which one was it again?"  
"Fourth column, middle one," he sighed, as if frustrated at Tyler for forgetting despite the fact he had completely changed which box he was saying. Tyler shut the blades away, not taking a single one, then opened Josh's new location and pulled out a thick a4 notepad and a pen.

As Tyler sat back down in his seat and clicked the pen on, turning past the pages filled with notes on Josh's condition until he found a blank one, he still felt a little shaky. He had no idea what had come over him when he saw the blades, he didn't need them, he was better, he was fine, he was better.

"Okay where were we? Oh yeah, Jishwa's big bash." He said, writing it down in the middle of the page and circling it.   
"K, write down everything yeah?"  
"Yes sir." Tyler smiled, smile it all away, you're fine.  
"Tyler what's wrong?"  
"Huh?"  
"You're doing that smile." Josh told him. Rumbled. He couldn't hide anything from him, but he should have known that.

"Is it what happened with my dad? Are you still thinking about it?"  
"No no," Tyler shook his head.  
"Talking about my funeral? Too much?"   
"It uh, yeah it got to me for a second but don't worry it's not too much. I can do it," he decided was the most convincing response.  
"Sure?"  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded.  
"There's um, your anxiety meds, pills, my mom's got some of yours."  
"They're all gone but honestly J, I'll be alright."  
"Mom got Kelly to drop off some more," Josh yawned.  
"Did she? Oh okay,"  
"I'll be alright for a minute if you want to get one from the kitchen."  
"Thanks but I'm okay, had some before I came," he insisted.  
"Wanna talk about it instead?" The sick man offered.  
"I wanna plan this party,"  
"Hint taken," Josh caved.

"Okay first thing's first," he began again, "everyone has to be entirely dressed in black."  
"Right," Tyler said, writing it down.  
"I want the service somewhere really cold,"  
"Okay,"  
"And I want the service to go on for at least 4 hours,"  
"Haha alright, you're messing me about," Tyler finally realised with a smile and a groan. A genuine smile. The joke wasn't particularly funny, the topic perhaps even a little morbid, but the fact that Josh was able to think in such a complex manner genuinely cheered Tyler up. He knew how hard Josh found things at times.

"Nah I'm being deadly serious. And I don't want you or my mom to talk, I want some distant uncle who met me twice to give a speech for 40 minutes all about things that have nothing to do with me. And Tyler,"  
"Yeah?" He said with a grin.  
"Listen, this is very important to me, okay?"  
"Okay," Tyler laughed.  
"It's absolutely vital that he speaks into a microphone that doesn't work and keeps crackling and buzzing, and he must keep calling me Ross by mistake but not realise."  
"I'll make sure of it," he nodded, "Oh and music, don't forget music J, you gotta have some beautiful bagpipe tunes going for at least an hour."  
"Of course of course. And please Ty, please make sure that everyone says I was taken too soon and I've gone to a better place,"  
"Anything for you man,"

"Nah but seriously, make it short, make it snappy, make sure there's pizza and tacos at the wake." Josh said. Tyler ripped out the page where he had written 'wear all black' and began a new one, noting down what Josh had requested.

"Dress code?"  
"Colourful,"  
"Alrighty, and you want it at the church?"  
"Yeah,"  
"And the wake here?"  
"No, I uh, I don't want Mom to have to host it."  
"Okay, you know where you do want it?" Tyler asked.  
"Do you think the youth group would let us use the hall?"  
"What, where we went when we were like 13?"  
"Yeah, I loved it there man."  
"Don't see why not, I'll have a look into it." Tyler replied, writing it down.

"Um, what else, flowers? What flowers do you want?"  
"Don't want any,"  
"Oh okay,"  
"I was thinking, uh, rather that wasting money on flowers that I won't even see, we could donate the money to charity. And you know those money cans that charities have? Well you put those out where flowers would normally go."  
"Josh that's an awesome idea. Which charity?"  
"The hospice I use, Marie and Kathy work there, what's it called?"  
"Noah's Ark Young People's Hospice."  
"Want to fundraise for them."  
"Course," Tyler nodded, adding that to the paper.

"Tyler,"  
"Yeah?"  
"Will you speak? You can say no,"  
"Why would I say no? Of course I will Josh, it would be an honour."  
"Thank you,"  
"Do you want me to do your eulogy? Or I can do a reading?" Tyler asked.  
"Eulogy please,"  
"Of course mate, of course."  
"My uh, my mom said she wants to say a, say a few words. I don't know if that's a good idea, she'll get upset,"  
"I'll look after her Josh I promise, during the funeral and always." Tyler told him, and he immediately burst into tears.

"Oh Josh, come on don't get upset, she'll be okay," Tyler comforted him as he sobbed, moving closer and gently picking up his fragile left hand and holding it. "J we're all going to be alright I promise, your mom's going to be okay."  
"I, didn't, mean, to, put, her, through, this," he cried.  
"This is not your fault. You didn't choose for any of this to happen, and you can't help it. I know that, your mom knows that, and I think deep down you know that too."  
"I feel, so, guil-ty,"  
"Stop, stop it right now Josh. You have nothing, I repeat, nothing to feel guilty about. Nobody chooses to get sick, it's not your fault."

"I should've, I should've stayed in hospital," Josh sobbed, "shouldn't have made her look after me at home,"  
"Josh, Josh look at me. She wants you at home just as much as you want to be at home."  
"She never gets a break," he broke down.  
"She's having a little break now, yeah, and the hospice are starting full time care on Wednesday, so then she'll have even more time. But Josh I promise you that she's still going to be here with you, and that's because she loves you. She loves you so much. She wants to be with you Josh. It's not always easy, of course it's not, but she's your mom and she'd do anything for you. You don't need to feel guilty for anything Josh, deep breaths, none of this is your fault." Tyler tried to calm him down, but it didn't seem to be working as he continued to sob.

Tyler watched him sadly, still holding his less painful hand and stroking it slowly with his thumb. As he looked back up at Josh, he saw that his best mate's nose had begun to bleed and the blood had started running through his oxygen tube.

"Oop Josh, nosebleed, nosebleed," he said gently but urgently, letting go of his hand and grabbing a few tissues from the side table. He quickly unhooked the tube from Josh's ears and pinched the end of his gushing nose, tissue turning red immediately.

"Josh you need to lean forwards or you're gonna choke, can you tilt your head or do you need me to?" Tyler asked but Josh continued to sob and ignore him. Tyler tried to prop his head up with one hand whilst still pinching his nose but, because Josh was laying down, he couldn't do it.

"Laura! Can you give me a hand please!" He called out the door, and she jogged in a second later.

"What happened?" She asked, walking over.  
"Nosebleed."  
"Alright baby, I'm gonna sit you up." The mother told Josh whilst pushing a button on the control for his bed. It tilted him upwards slowly but he continued to sob, and Tyler could tell that it had shifted to pain rather than emotion.

Laura grabbed a square of gauze from one of the boxes on the wall, then passed it to Tyler.  
"Swap to that sweetheart," she said and Tyler nodded, blood spurting as he temporarily released the pressure and replaced the soggy tissues with the fabric. Laura took them from him and threw them in the bin, along with the nasal cannula tube that was filled with blood. Instead she connected an oxygen mask to the tank and brought it up Josh's mouth.

"Josh baby, you need to calm down, listen to Mom, I know it's scary but you need to focus on deep breaths." She comforted him as he continued to cry.

Tyler imagined what it must have felt like, having one person squeezing your nose shut and another person covering your mouth with a plastic mask. He could almost feel how suffocated Josh must have felt, how trapped, how smothered. Suddenly Tyler felt his own windpipe closing up. Shit. He couldn't breathe. Shit.

"Tyler, do you need to sit down?" Laura asked, and he snapped back into reality. She was looking across at him concerned and he realised he was hyperventilating as well. He didn't know how to answer, didn't remember how to talk, couldn't force his lips to move.

"Tyler, look at me," she instructed and his eyes flicked up to hers rapidly. "I'm going to take the gauze, Tyler, I'm going to take over for you, you need to go in the kitchen and calm down. There's anxiety meds in the cupboard, take one then focus on your breathing please sweetheart."

 

  
As Ashley walked around the breakfast bar in the kitchen, Tyler noticed her literally jump when she saw him sat on the floor against a cabinet.

"Jees Tyler, scared me," she breathed out, hand on her chest. "Are you okay?"  
"Mmm," he nodded, lips pressed against his hand.  
"So no." The teenager concluded, sitting down on the floor next to him.

"What happened?" She asked.  
"Nothing,"  
"Just so I know, are you about to have a panic attack or have you already had it?"  
"Already," he murmured, staring into the distance tearfully.  
"Is somebody with Josh?"  
"Laura,"

"Okay, so what have you done to look after yourself?" Ashley asked once she was sure her brother was safe.  
"Meds," Tyler breathed quietly.  
"Good, and a glass of water too?"   
"Yeh,"  
"Have you done those breathing exercises that your doctor told you?" She asked and he shook his head no shakily. "Okay let's do them now, we can do it together."  
"It's, uh, it's for before," he explained in a whisper.

"So what can we do now to get you back to a good place?"  
"I'll be fine," Tyler sighed, rubbing his salty face.  
"Yes you will Tyler, you will be absolutely fine in the long run, but right now you've just had a panic attack on my kitchen floor. So what are we going to do?" Ashley said calmly.  
"Don't know,"  
"Should I call your mom? Get her to take you home for a bit?"  
"No no, I'm okay, it's only 11am, I'm gonna stay all day," Tyler insisted, desperate not to go.

"Josh will be having his nap soon, I think you should go home and sort yourself out, then if you're doing better you can come back this evening."  
"I want to stay Ash, please,"  
"Can you at least tell me what happened? What triggered it?"  
"It's nothing,"  
"By which you mean it's everything."  
"I don't know, truly I don't even know," he sighed into his hands again. "I'm better, I am better, this shouldn't be happening, I'm better."  
"But just think about the word better Tyler. It's a comparative. Yes, you're better than you were last year, but that doesn't mean you're 100% healed and will never suffer any issues again in any form. I mean I'm better than I was yesterday, but I could still burst into tears at any moment. You're better than you were, but you still have these panics and that's okay. It's all part of recovery."  
"No you don't understand Ashley, I'm fine, I'm supposed to be fine, Young Minds discharged me, I'm officially better, I'm, I'm supposed to be fixed."  
"Well maybe it's time to get readmitted?"  
"No. No absolutely not no way."  
"Not to go into hospital again, but to start the outpatient program?"  
"No."

"Tyler, don't take this the wrong way but why are you being so stubborn about this?"  
"I wanna spend time with J,"  
"Well that what's you're trying to do now, and yet you can't because you're having panics on my kitchen floor. Surely you could spare a couple of hours, and I know it would make Josh really happy to know that you're getting yourself some help."  
"Josh knows I'm fine."  
"He most certainly does not, he worries about you constantly Ty. Whenever I'm with him he's asking about you. I know it would make him feel more comfortable knowing that you've got a support system in place whilst he's here and once he's passed away."

"Means Pete's right," Tyler whispered into his hand.  
"It means what?"  
"Pete's right. And if he's right about this then he's right about everything, everything he said is going to come true, it's all going to happen, shit, it's all going to happen, they're going to sedate him and he's not going to know who I am and he's going to drown and I won't be able to help him or save him and it will all be my fault and I'll have to watch him die knowing it's all my fault," Tyler began to hyperventilate again, and Ashley grabbed his hand tight as the panic attack cycle started once more.


	11. Chapter 11

As Tyler sat in his English literature class, he couldn't seem to concentrate on whatever Mrs Knight was saying. He sat back in the chair, slouching a little, and span his pen around his finger subconsciously before remembering that Josh has taught him how to do it. Then he hunched forwards on the desk and began letting his pen nib wander in the corner of his page.

He knew he wouldn't be in trouble for not doing the class work, Mrs Knight always had a soft spot for him. She claimed that it was because of his natural ability in the subject that she was sometimes a little more lax with him that other students. Tyler suspected it was sympathy because of his panic attacks and Josh. Brendon reckoned she was a cougar.

The lesson seemed to be dragging on for hours. Tyler didn't know whether it was because he had only slept an hour and he was exhausted, or if it was because he was worrying about Josh, or perhaps the the lesson was just really dull.

He glanced down at his doodles, another angry scribbled mess. No doubt his old art therapist from when he was in hospital would have something to say about that. He sighed, reminded of his upcoming appointment. Despite his adamant protests, Laura and Ashley had told Kelly about his panic attacks and she had immediately called Young Minds and booked an emergency assessment for after school later that day.

Part of Tyler wanted to scream and point blank refuse to go, but he knew that refusing help would only upset his mom and Josh, and would tell the hospital that he was sick. So he decided he needed to prove that he genuinely was better, go to the appointment and explain the panic attacks were completely appropriate considering everything going on with Josh. Then they'd let him go and his mom and Laura and Ashley and Josh and everyone would believe him when he said he was fine. He was fine.

"Earth to TyJo? You coming, or just gonna stay here forever?" Brendon said, flicking his face with his nail. Tyler snapped back into reality and saw that the period had ended and half the class had already filed out.  
"Oh, yeah, sorry," he sighed, rubbing his face and collecting his things together.

"Good work today Brendon," Mrs Knight smiled from her desk at the pair, the only two left in the room.  
"Thaaaanks Miss," he grinned.  
"How did today go Tyler?" She asked and he just shrugged. "Did you get onto the extension question?"  
"Uh no,"  
"How many did you get through?"  
"I, uh, I didn't,"  
"Alright Tyler, that's okay, would it be realistic for me to ask you to catch up on the first question? You don't have to do the others, just the first one. Will that be okay?"  
"Yeh," he nodded.  
"Take as long as you need, Brendon can give you any notes that you didn't manage to get down and he'll give you his answer if you need some inspiration."  
"But Miss!" Brendon complained playfully.  
"Brendon you have 4 overdue homeworks. Help Tyler out and I'll knock that to 3."  
"Go on then," he groaned, ruffling Tyler's hair.  
"Thanks," Tyler whispered.

"You've got music next right?"  
"Yep," Brendon nodded.  
"Alright, well you can tell Mr Babineaux that it's my fault you're late to his class. Bye boys, see you tomorrow."

 

  
After music Tyler wasn't feeling much better, struggling to concentrate or engage in the conversation that Brendon was avidly having with him as they headed towards the canteen. Although in his heart he knew that Pete and Patrick wouldn't be in today, something in the back of his mind couldn't stop imagining Patrick's disappointed glare and Pete's blood on his hands.

"Tyler, do you wanna go for lunch or go sit in the library for a bit? I'll bring you something to eat."  
"Huh?" He said, looking up from his feet.  
"You're having a bad day, don't deny it, do you need to calm down somewhere or is it better that you're around people?"  
"I'll be okay," Tyler nodded whilst continuing to walk towards the canteen.  
"Alright if you're sure," Brendon said, patting him on the back as they entered and immediately saw Jenna and Debby sat at their usual table. Debby waved and they went and joined them.

"Heyyy guurrllss," Brendon smirked as they sat down.  
"Hiya," Debby smiled back softly.  
"Hey," Jenna said, reaching out and holding Tyler's hand across the table.  
"What you hens clucking about?"   
"Just talking about Spooky's party on Saturday." Jenna replied. "We had a really lovely time Ty, thanks for sorting that."  
"Pleasure," he whispered quietly.

"Yeah it was a laugh, I actually miss him a lot already." Brendon agreed whilst scratching his jaw.  
"Do you think we could do it again? Like maybe not all of us at the same time, don't want to overwhelm him or tire him out, but one or two of us visit him after school?" Jenna asked but Tyler had zoned out again.   
"Tyler."  
"Hmm?"  
"Jenna asked if we could see Josh after school." Brendon told him.  
"I'm not there, you'll uh, have to talk to Laura," Tyler told them, exhaustion suddenly hitting him like a ton of bricks.  
"Thought you were always there," Debby smiled.  
"Mmm," Tyler murmured, not listening.

"Babe are you okay?" Jenna asked as she squeezed his hand.  
"I'm uh, yeah I'm good."  
"Are you going to get something to eat and drink?"  
"Nah,"  
"Nope come on Ty, up you get. Josh would bust my balls if I didn't make you eat something, let's go." Brendon said, pulling Tyler to his feet and steering him over to the food hatch.

 

 

  
As Tyler sat in the Young Minds waiting room, Mom the seat beside him, he felt like a terrified 15 year old again. The 15 year old whose mother had found him doing things with blades that he shouldn't have been doing. Discovered he was thinking things he shouldn't have been thinking. Uncovered he was feeling, well, nothing.

But Tyler wasn't 15 anymore, and he wasn't sick so he had no reason to be afraid. They couldn't restart treatment, there would be no need, he was better. The very doctor he was waiting to see had told him that he was better, that he was discharged, and that he didn't need Young Minds. He didn't need this. He was better.

"Tyler, Kelly, long time no see, do you want to follow me through?" Dr Orwell - alternatively whorewell or oral as Pete liked to call him depending on the day of the week - said as he shook their hands and led the way to his office.

Tyler sat down in the left chair on the opposite side of the desk and began scanning the certificates on the wall as his mom took off her jacket and settled next to him.

"So, Tyler, how can we help you today?"  
"Just uh, just need you to put my mom's mind at rest I guess,"   
"Mom?" Dr Orwell turned to her.  
"He's been having panic attacks again and he's getting through his anxiety meds very quickly. I'm just concerned that it's early signs of a relapse, and he's got a difficult few weeks ahead of him so I was wondering what support you can offer him."  
"Difficult meaning what we spoke about on the phone? Josh?"  
"Yes,"

"Okay Tyler, what do you make of what Mom's saying?"  
"Yeah um well, uh, what she said about a difficult few weeks is right. I think they've um, I think it's already started and that's why I'm feeling a bit panicked at times, but yeah, that's a normal reaction. I mean my best friend is going to die, it's only human to not be 100% right now."  
"Yeah," the doctor nodded, listening intently and gesturing for him to continue.

"I need to be preparing myself for when it does happen, trying to live a normal life, and I don't think the help of Young Minds is really necessary. Like I'll need to grieve, but then I'll start getting better again by myself,"  
"Just as easy as that? Okay I've grieved and now I'll recover?"  
"No no I realise it will be hard, I just think that I'm stronger than people give me credit for and I need to do this by my terms and my pace, because otherwise I might not deal with things fully and I'll pay for that later on."  
"Right,"  
"So yeah,"

"And in the mean time, between now and that day you decide you're ready to recover and you're going to get better, what happens to you?"  
"I'll grieve I guess," Tyler replied, not quite understanding the question.  
"And you understand that grief makes things harder for everyone, regardless of their mental health prior."  
"Yeah,"  
"See the thing that's concerning me, and probably your mom as well, is how you're going to cope when things do get harder. Now you're completely right when you say that you need to grieve and deal with things in a way that's going to help you move through this difficult time, but that doesn't mean you have to do it all on your own. Young Minds isn't an all or nothing service, we're not going to lock you in a room and tell you 'this is how you must grieve', what we can do is help you to help yourself." Dr Orwell said and Tyler knew the moment the cliche left the man's lips that his plan hadn't worked.

"Tyler when things are hard for you, your coping methods aren't always the healthiest. I think what Mom is scared of is you falling back onto self harm as a way to vent all those difficult thoughts you will most likely have to deal with. Now it's not just you, most people who struggle similarly are also guilty of this, but your reactions are different from those of neurotypicals. What happens is people who have a history of self harm or panic attacks or suicidal thoughts have the tendency to resort back to those very quickly when things go wrong. Panic attacks are familiar to you, they're natural, it's normal for your mind to associate bad things with panic attacks; that means when bad things happen you're very likely to have an attack. Same with self harm. Although initially I know you started cutting because you had things about yourself that you didn't like, things you deemed worthy of punishment, it later evolved into a safety net for your whenever anything went wrong. Suicide attempts is another progression of that self punishing also evolving into something that almost became natural to you Tyler."  
"Yeh," Tyler murmured, not wanting to meet the eyes of either of the adults.

"Suicidal thoughts, particularly for those with a past record of attempts, definitely become more of an issue when mourning. Wanting to be with the person you lost, feeling pointless without them, not seeing a future without them in it." Dr Orwell said and Tyler felt himself sinking lower and lower in his chair.

"So Tyler, would you be open to coming to Young Minds a night or two a week?"  
"It's for the best sweetheart," his mom added, reaching across and squeezing his hand.  
"I mourn my way," Tyler made clear.  
"Of course, we'll simply keep an eye on you." Dr Orwell agreed.   
"Okay," Tyler nodded defeated, rubbing his face with his hand.

 

 

Tyler was drained and exhausted by the time the appointment eventually ended, but his mom agreed to take him to Josh's on the condition that she stayed too and they went home after half an hour.

They entered his bedroom and Laura was sat by his side. He had an IV line of fluid and his nutritional feed hanging from the pole behind his bed, and he looked exhausted too. Again he was wearing a beanie rather than a cap.

"Hey," Tyler said as he sat down, Mom following and standing behind him with a supportive hand on his shoulder.  
"Hey Josh," Kelly called over to him but he didn't reply.  
"He's a bit sleepy," Laura explained.  
"That's okay Josh, my boy is too." She said warmly, rubbing Tyler's arm comfortingly.

"How did your appointment go?" Laura asked.  
"Umm, not exactly how I had hoped but yeah, productive I guess,"  
"Yeah you did really well." Kelly agreed, leaning down and kissing him on the top of the head.  
"Do you want to go and talk about me behind my back in the kitchen?"  
"Tyler don't be bitter, we just-"  
"I'm kidding Mom, I get it, you guys go talk, I wanna speak to J." Tyler told her tiredly.   
"Okay sweetheart."  
"If he passes out or has a seizure then call me through," Laura said as she stood up.  
"Course," Tyler nodded, filling her seat closer to Josh and watching as they walked out.

"Is today a listening day?" Tyler asked, leaning against the rails on his bed. Josh didn't answer, but made eye contact with him. "That's alright, I've got some news I need you to listen to anyway, okay?"

Tyler took a moment, not sure whether he was nervous because he was nervous about the actual treatment, or whether it was because he thought Josh would react badly. Of course he knew he wouldn't, but Tyler couldn't help imagining Josh blaming himself for what the hospital deemed a relapse, Josh killing himself for what the hospital deemed a relapse. Stop it Tyler. Stop it.

"I went to my appointment at Young Minds this afternoon, that's why I'm a bit late. They signed me back up Josh, I'm officially a psych patient again." He sighed, frustrated at the words but mostly at himself. "I have to go to a depression group therapy after basketball for an hour on a Monday, then the outpatient activity morning on a Saturday. Plus my usual session with Dr Kahana."

Tyler drummed his fingers on the padding protecting the metal rails, watching Josh's blank expression, his tired eyes blinking slowly. He could tell his friend was struggling and probably couldn't understand what he was saying, but he needed him to. He needed Josh to understand, needed him to tell him it was okay. He needed to be convinced that everything was spiralling out of control again.

"Josh I, I don't want to go back into hospital,"  
"Doan wanospital," Josh slurred.  
"Don't want hospital," Tyler repeated with a nod. "Of course I don't want to be sick, but I don't want to need hospital, I want to be fine, I just, I dunno, I only just started convincing people that I was okay again and now I'm not. Because I was Josh, I was genuinely fine. I want to be going into the next couple of weeks in the best possible mindset, I don't want to be half broken already. I just, I don't know how I'm gonna cope with everything at once."  
"I doan wanospital,"  
"Oh, Josh, it's not you going into hospital," Tyler clarified. "I'm sorry, it's not you Josh, you're staying at home."  
"Home,"  
"Yeah, sorry about that mate." He apologised, realising that Josh was not in a good enough place to take the burden of his vent today.

"Want me to tell you a story J?"  
"Tyyler,"  
"Yeah?"  
"Mtired,"  
"You can sleep, that's okay," Tyler nodded to him. "But Josh, I have to leave soon so I won't be here when you wake up. I'll see you tomorrow buddy."


	12. Chapter 12

As his coach screamed something loud and screechy from the bleachers, Tyler ran faster. He felt as though they had been running suicide sprints for hours, but he didn't particularly care. Baseline, free throw line, baseline, half court line, baseline, opposite baseline, baseline. Repeat. Repeat even though his thighs were screaming, even though sweat dripped from his brow and into his eyes, even though the soles of his feet bruised at each sharp change of direction. Made him feel alive. Repeat.

Finally, a whistle to stop and a call to group together.

The team of 25 or so boys stood in a cluster, each panting or wiping sweaty foreheads. Tyler saw Brendon on the other side of the group laughing with one of his mates, but he was too tired to smile back when Brendon made eye contact.

"Alright boys, take 30 seconds for water then let's grab some balls and we'll do some transition shooting. You know the drill guys, full court dribble moving at every cone then make a pull up jumper. 10 shots free throw line, 10 shots left wing, 10 shots right wing. Back here in 30 seconds," Coach Richens told the group and they all ran off to their water bottles. Tyler didn't follow, knowing that the man would ask him either to get the ball racks or set out the cones. He couldn't complain that the captaincy role was repetitive, not with such amazing variation he thought to himself bitterly.  
"Joseph, cones."

 

  
As the session ended and everyone made their way back towards the showers, Tyler heard Coach yell his name a couple of times and he groaned internally before jogging back to the man.  
"Tyler, are you deaf? How many times do I have to call you before you answer?!"  
"Sorry Coach,"  
"Right, bleachers." He instructed, and Tyler sat.

"Joseph, there's no soft way of putting this, I'm going to strip you of the captaincy. I need a list of 3 potential replacements on my desk by 8.30 tomorrow."  
"Yes Coach,"  
"Yes Coach? Is that it? Not going to fight for it? Show me it means something to you? Stand up for yourself?"  
"I respect you and your decision," Tyler mumbled.  
"See that's my problem Tyler, you've go no passion, no drive, no enthusiasm." The man told him, standing harshly and stiffly. "It's not a lack of skill, we both know you're the most skilled on the team, but being a leader is more than just putting the points on the board. There's just no dedication. You're not committed Tyler, you don't show up to practice, you don't socialise with the team off the court, don't communicate with them about fixtures. Tyler I don't know what you do for this team other than shoot baskets."  
"My apologies," he whispered.

"That's not the attitude I want from the senior captain of my basketball team! I want you hungry for this. To be begging for a second chance, trying to convince me you're going to change, and for you to show me how important this is to you. Clearly you don't care."  
"I do care," Tyler said to his feet quietly.  
"Doesn't seem like it Joseph, not even a little bit."  
"Sorry."  
"Whatever happened to the Tyler Joseph who lived and breathed basketball?" The coach sighed and Tyler had to bite his tongue to stop himself screaming that his best friend got cancer.

"I want the recommendations by 8.30 sharp, and you better start picking up the slack by Saturday's game otherwise we're going to be having more and more of these chats. Now go."  
"Yes sir," Tyler nodded, standing up and beginning to walk away before remembering he couldn't play on Saturday.

"Actually Coach," he began again and the man looked over at him expectantly, and Tyler could tell that he was hopeful Tyler was going to defend his captaincy, but no, Tyler was going to let him down. Again.

"Go on then Joseph, spit it out."  
"I'm really sorry but I can't play on Saturday,"  
"Oh for Pete's sake Tyler, whyever not?!"  
"I uh, I have other plans."  
"Cancel them, this is more important."   
"I can't,"  
"What is it?!"  
"I have to go to the clinic for uh, for an activities morning, it's um, it's like a therap-"  
"An activities morning?! Are you six years old?! It's pathetic. Jesus Christ Tyler, I remember when you used to be inspiring. Certainly not anymore, it's just disappointing. Get out of my sight." He yelled and Tyler ran.

Tyler ran straight out of the gym and straight into the locker room, slamming the door behind him and pressing his back against it as he desperately tried not to have a panic attack.

"Uh, Bren? He's back," a voice said and Tyler looked up to see Dallon stood in the middle of the room, watching him. Brendon walked in from the mirrors and immediately went to Tyler's side.  
"Want me to make him leave?" He whispered but Tyler just shook his head no and concentrated on deep breaths.

"Do you need a drink or something?" Dallon asked cautiously. Brendon was about to answer for him, but Tyler pulled himself away from the door and shakily stepped over to Brendon's friend.  
"Yeah, uh, water. Please,"  
"Finish it if you want," Dallon replied, holding out his bottle which Tyler gratefully took and sat down on the nearest bench whilst gulping it down. Dallon sat next to him, and Brendon on the other side.

Only once he emptied the entire litre bottle did he feel able to open his mouth without fear of choking on a fleeing sob.  
"I'm finished as captain,"  
"Wait he fucking stripped it from you?! What the fuck? Does he have fucking eyes, you're a genius out on the court." Dallon exclaimed loudly, making Tyler jump a little.  
"Dall, softly," Brendon uncharacteristically calmed him down, much to Tyler's relief. "You want me to talk to him Ty?"  
"No point."  
"He's a fucking idiot." Dallon muttered.

"What did he say exactly?" Bren asked.  
"I'm not dedicated, not enthusiastic, I don't contribute anything to the team except baskets and I'm not inspiring anymore. A massive disappointment."   
"Oh Jesus, I've got half a mind to fucking report him," Brendon spat sourly but quietly.  
"I'll fucking kill him! You can't talk to a student like that!" Dallon yelled.  
"Dallon, please, too loud." Brendon warned him as he noticed Tyler flinch.  
"Sorry, it's just, uh, I get panic attacks," Tyler explained quietly.  
"Oh shit, sorry man, my bad." He apologised sheepishly.

"Bren, give the guy a blunt, calm his nerves."  
"I don't smoke,"  
"It'll help I promise,"  
"Tyler's not good with weed." Brendon said.  
"It's supposed to cure anxiety I read somewhere," he continued to try and persuade Tyler. "Come on, what's the worst that could happen?"  
"I see things, okay?" Tyler retaliated, uncomfortable with the pressure.  
"Like I said, he's not good with it. Dallon mate, is it alright if I just talk to Ty alone? I'll see you tomorrow." Brendon asked.  
"Yeah, sorry Tyler. Just um, Richens was wrong to strip you and yeah, see you both tomorrow." He said, then left the pair alone in the changing rooms.

As soon as the door closed, Brendon sighed and rubbed his face.  
"Do you need to have a panic?" He asked, knowing Tyler could sometimes hold them in momentarily but then they exploded out a moment later.  
"Just a cry,"  
"Go for it man, Richens is a piece of shit, do whatever you need to do to get him out of your system." Brendon supported, and Tyler just stared at the wall as he remembered what the coach had said to him.

"He called me a pathetic 6 year old for going to my Young Minds Saturday sessions."  
"Oh Tyler, I'm so sorry. But he's wrong, absolutely one hundred percent wrong. I know it's hard but you need to force that cunt's words out of your head as best as you can. You're doing the right thing, going back to YM. Don't let him hold up your whole recovery, he's honestly not worth it." Brendon said and Tyler listened, but the words seemed to rattle hollowly in his head, overpowered by the aggression of his coach and his mind.

"But look, Ty, this might be a positive thing yeah? If you're not captain then that means you've got more time to spend with Josh and at YM. Maybe this is good timing and an opportunity for you to knuckle down on your mental heath. I mean I've noticed you slip in the last week pretty significantly, and I'm fairly certain that things are even worse than you're letting on. So go to the sessions they want you to and let them help you sort out these panics best they can. They're nasty Ty, I don't want you having them. And I know I'm no Josh, but he asked me to look out for you when he found out he wasn't always going to be around, and I'm not going to break that promise. I'm not trying to be him, I know he's your best friend, I'm just saying that if there's anything at all I can do to help then please tell me, and I'll be right on it."

 

 

Despite Brendon's offer of a ride, Tyler decided he needed the walk to Josh's to really make sure he was calm. Somehow he hadn't had a panic attack, but that just meant that Coach Richens' words echoed round his head, unable to be released. Brendon had sat with him for a long time, tried his absolute best, but Tyler was a crappy person who ignored his friends. He was a selfish person who let down the team. He was a disappointing person to his coach and to his family.

When the thoughts are coming from his own mind, he could at least try and tell himself to shut up. When they actually came from another human being, it was a bit harder. Tyler knew full well that his way of thinking was wrong, he was wrong, so that meant Richens was right.

Tyler only stopped working himself up when he turned the corner to Josh's street and saw an old crappy Vauxhall Astra on his drive. Bill's car. He remembered that Abi was going to stay with him in Toledo, and that familiar pit of anger began to gargle in his stomach.

Tyler wasn't good at holding grudges, but he had no issue doing so for Bill. It wasn't just the fact he had messed up Josh's meds and put him on a ventilator for just shy of a week; it was everything he did. When Josh, aged 15, was diagnosed with cancer, Bill decided to make it all about himself and take up drinking. Rather than stepping up and guiding Josh, he decided to rip a massive tear in the already struggling family. He was a selfish prick and Tyler hated him.

He banged on the door, already fuming, and waited for Laura to answer.  
"Hey Tyler, come in,"  
"Is he here?!"  
"Bill? Yeah, he's upstairs with Abi darling. Please Tyler, I'm not happy about it either but don't kick up a fuss. Let's just get this over with without a fight." She told him as he began scrubbing his hands in the water.   
"Is Josh okay?"  
"He's in his room with Jordan, Bill hasn't been in yet." She told him and he walked straight out of the kitchen, trembling with anger.

His mind was racing, Coach Richens' words still repeating like a constant drum. Pathetic. Let down. Disappointment. And now there was anger pulsing through his blood, fuelling his every step, provoking his every movement.

"Hey," Jordan smiled at him as he entered, but Tyler just nodded and he shut the door again forcefully. "So you saw Dad," he guessed.  
"His car, fucking idiot." Tyler spat, pacing at the end of the room whilst chewing the side of his thumb.  
"Tyler it's fine, I'm alright," Josh told him from the bed.  
"It's not fine! None of this is fine!" He snapped, kicking the skirting board in frustration.  
"Jordan, can you uh, I wanna talk to Tyler for a minute, alone," Josh said to his brother.  
"Alright, yell if you need me." He replied, standing up and walking past Tyler and out of the room.

"Ty, come sit,"  
"No," he muttered, too angry to stop pacing.  
"Oi, I'm dying, if I say you sit then you sit." Josh told him, and Tyler sighed before flopping down next to him.

"What's going on Tyler?"  
"Your dad is right above us," he hissed.  
"He's helping Abi finish packing and then they're leaving."  
"You're not gonna see him?"  
"Mom told him he's allowed to say goodbye and she's gonna be in here and that's it."  
"Better be it." He muttered menacingly.  
"It's the last time he'll ever see me, give him a break yeah?"  
"Doesn't deserve one." Tyler bitterly muttered, when suddenly Josh winced. Tyler looked up at him for the first time, anger subsiding for a moment, and saw Josh's pained expression paired with more shaky releases of breath.

"Can I do anything?" Tyler asked as his anger sobered, but Josh shook his head ever so slightly, eyes closed and teeth locked onto his cracked bloody lip. His core tensed up every few seconds and on the fourth time Josh let out a pained groan. Tyler watched his friend in pain helplessly, feeling useless but then also guilty for making it about himself.

"Want me to get your mom?"  
"No, it, it'll, argh, it'll stop, in a minute," he wheezed as his stomach continued to cause him considerable pain. Finally the spasm stopped and Josh relaxed again, panting deeply.

"Gimme, a, sec,"  
"If you're in a lot of pain then you can pass out, not worth putting yourself through this,"  
"I'm okay,"   
"Don't put on a brave face for me Josh, do what's best for you,"  
"Right back at you," he replied, finally breathing normally. At least Josh's version of normal breathing.  
"Huh?"  
"I'm not going to pretend that I remember yesterday, but Mom spoke to me earlier; you're a YM patient again."  
"Oh, uh, yeah," Tyler said, stomach dropping and heart pounding again. Shit, why was this making him so anxious?

"Which sessions have they signed you up to?"  
"Depression group on Monday and Saturday activities,"  
"Your favourite," Josh smiled sarcastically.  
"You know it," Tyler sighed, rubbing his face.  
"Have we talked about it?"  
"No,"  
"Do you want to talk about it?"  
"No,"  
"Tough luck, we are." Josh informed him, Tyler suddenly feeling claustrophobic.

"And Ty? Before we do talk, 2 ground rules okay?"  
"Uh, what are they?"  
"1, don't do anything ridiculous like not tell me the truth because you think I can't handle it. You don't need to protect me or shelter me or any of that sorta stuff because I know you think like that."  
"Okay,"  
"2, don't work yourself up into a panic. Yeah I wanna talk about it, but I don't want you to have a panic attack because of it. You know your limit, if it's too much then tell me."  
"Okay, thank you,"  
"Deal?"  
"Deal." Tyler nodded.

"So go on, what's been happening?"  
"Um, panics are back and they think I'm gonna kill myself when you die."  
"And are they right?"  
"No."  
"Good." Josh said, both of them knowing that it wasn't anywhere near that simple.

"How bad are the panics?"  
"Not that bad, but Dr Orwell doesn't want them to get worse."  
"Are they triggered by anything or just random?"  
"I dunno,"  
"Yes you do,"  
"I've been freaking myself out again," Tyler admitted. "I feel like a jackass saying this to you of all people,"  
"No go on," Josh encouraged him.  
"I feel like I can't breathe, I keep imagining that I'm getting smothered and my windpipe's closing up and I'm drowning. Then I start hyperventilating and my head goes 100mph and yeah, panic attack."  
"Same as last time,"  
"Same as last time," Tyler repeated.

"But listen Ty, just because this bit's the same, doesn't mean that everything else that happened last time is going to happen again too, okay?"  
"Mmm," he hummed doubtfully, tugging his hair.  
"You can't let it happen again, you've got to take control sooner rather than later and get a handle on this before things spiral."  
"Yeh," Tyler sighed.  
"I'm not going to let you let it happen again."  
"I mean it's all well and good saying all of this, but it doesn't actually mean anything."  
"Why not?" Josh asked.  
"They're just words, I can't actually apply them, I mean I don't know how to. It's not going to stop me having a breakdown."  
"Because you've already accepted it as inevitable, it's already won. You're not going to beat it if you're sitting back and waiting for it to happen. Come on Tyler, put up a fight."  
"I can't, I, I can't um, I can't do it without you, and you can't always do it." Tyler stuttered, looking at his nails rather than Josh.

"Tyler," Josh said, and he slowly looked up and made eye contact at last. "You can do it, I know without a doubt that you can do it. But right now I'm not convinced that you want to do it."   
"Course I don't want to do it. I don't want to have to fight every single urge and thought and action that my body craves, have to spend days crying and screaming to beat something that always has been and always will be a part of me, just to a live a life without my best friend because he's dead." He vented. "Sorry,"  
"Don't be sorry, it's okay," Josh reassured him warmly.

"Okay, so we both know I'm no good at time frames so I have no idea how long ago this was, but do you remember when I got that chest infection,"  
"Yeah, February," Tyler listened closely.  
"To start with everyone thought it was just the cancer making my lungs particularly bad, so life went on fairly normally for a few days, but I could sort of feel that something was up. I eventually told my mom, and she told Marie who took my temperature and decided that it was probably best to pop to the hospital the next day. It was all quite casual and relaxed, no real rush."  
"Yeah,"

"They took some bloods and a chest X-ray, and found out that I did have a chest infection, I had pneumonia."  
"I remember the phone call with your mom," Tyler noted.  
"Yeah, it was, it was not good. They sent me straight up to Starlight ward and hooked me up on IV antibiotics. The first lot didn't work, the second lot didn't work, the third lot didn't work, the fourth lot didn't work, and by the fifth lot I was probably the lowest I've ever been with regards to my mental state."  
"Yeah,"  
"I couldn't breathe, I was just constantly hyperventilating to try and catch up on the lost breath, and it was exhausting and completely terrifying. I thought that was it, I thought I was done and I was going to die on that ward on that day."  
"Mm," Tyler listened.

"I heard the doctor tell my mom that they wanted to intubate me and put me on a ventilator, but the clinical director had warned against it because he doubted my lungs would recover so I would become dependent on the ventilator, which would have lead to a difficult decision on turning off the machine further down the road considering my prognosis."  
"Yeah,"  
"I think it was day 16, 16 or 17, that they started drugging me up with things other than the antibiotics. Mild sedation, strong pain killers; I knew what they were doing, making sure I was comfortable. Because that's what they do when there's nothing else they can do, just make sure that I'm not in pain and that I'm comfortable,"  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded, and tear spilled over. He hadn't even realised that any were forming, but quickly wiped it away as he listen to Josh talk and became more and more submersed in the memory.

"And you, you annoying little bugger, you wouldn't leave me alone. Everyday I looked over, you were there. And you still are, you stalker," he smiled. "But I needed you there Tyler. I was beyond terrified, I was losing my strength both physically and mentally, and I honestly felt like giving up. Just conceding and saying, okay lungs, you've beaten me, I've had enough."  
"Mmm," Tyler nodded with another tear.

"But you sat by my bedside and you talked to me, even though I couldn't talk, you knew I was listening. And I remember one of those days that people were beginning to think could be my last, I was looking at the ceiling because I choked if I turned my head, and you were talking to me. You told me: Josh, not today. Today's not the day. I know it's hard to be strong when everything's going wrong, but that's when it's most important to be strong, that's when you really show the bravery and determination that I know you have within you. It's easy to say you're going to fight when there's nothing to fight, but you have to continue to fight once the battle gets hard, no matter how impossible it seems. You have to show that bug who's boss and remind it of how much you want to live."

"Ssshit J," Tyler sighed as he abandoned his attempt to hold back his tears.  
"And sure enough, lucky number 5, that round of antibiotics did the trick and I'm still here. Now I'm not saying that your words can cure pneumonia, they're good but not quite that powerful unfortunately, however they inspired me to show resilience and that's what helped me to overcome it. And Ty it's the same with you. I know that my words aren't gonna fix everything, but hopefully they'll help you to help yourself."  
"Absolutely," he nodded with a shaky exhalation of breath.  
"Come on you," Josh smiled at his crying friend, reaching out his left hand clumsily. Tyler took it and held it in his, intertwining their fingers with a sniff.

"Don't give up, okay? Never accept anything less than happiness as good enough."  
"I won't,"

 

 

  
"You boys alright?" Laura asked softly as she entered the room then shut the door behind her. Tyler had grabbed himself a thin blue blanket from the storage wall and put down the siderail of Josh's bed, then moved his chair closer so that he could rest his head on the mattress beside Josh. They were still holding hands, and Josh was more awake than Tyler when she entered.

"We're okay, aren't we Ty?" Josh told her, and Tyler sat up with a small grunt and a nod.  
"Good. Listen, your dad and your sister are going to head off soon, do you want to say goodbye?"  
"Yeah,"  
"And Ty? You gonna behave when Bill comes in?"  
"I'll, uh, I'll be a good boy," he smiled with a yawn, running his hand through his hair.  
"Thank you sweetheart. Right, I'll go get them and then we'll come back together."  
"Okay,"

Tyler rubbed his tired face then stood up, catching the blanket before it fell and folding it in half. He continued to fold it as he walked over the the storage wall and put it away, then sat back next to Josh.

"Does the blanket ruin your don't-mess-with-me gangster vibe?"  
"Yep," Tyler smiled. "Now I'm back to exuding intimidation again,"  
"Course." Josh laughed. "It's gonna be 3 minutes, metaphorically bite your tongue for that long? Please?"  
"Okay, but know I'm doing it for you, not for him."  
"I know."

"Knock knock, can we come in?" Laura said through the door.  
"Yeah," Josh called back, and the mother entered again followed by Josh's youngest sister and his father. It took a lot for Tyler to soften his scowl that instantly appeared on his face at the sight of the man, but he reminded himself that it was for Josh.

"Joshua, it's uh, hi, it's great to see you son," the dad began anxiously, stepping forwards nervously and extending a hand for Josh to shake.  
"Bill, he can't-" Laura began gently before getting interrupted.  
"He's got cancer in his wrist genius," Tyler told him bitterly and, after taking a moment to process it, he instead moved his hand from in front of Josh and over to Tyler instead. "And I sure as hell ain't touching that thing."  
"Ty," Josh warned him as Bill awkwardly retracted his hand and put it back in his pocket.

"It's good to see you too Dad, how are you?" Josh smiled at him, amazing Tyler with his calmness.  
"I'm well thank you, really well. Your uh, your sister is going to come stay with me down in Toledo for a bit, and yeah, she's keeping me on the straight and narrow, aren't you?" He smiled across at the teenager, who smiled shyly.  
"Good to hear,"  
"And how about you? Your mom's told me you're putting up quite the fight?"  
"Yeah, it's gonna take more than a bit of cancer to bring me down."  
"My boy always has been a fighter,"

"Do you remember watching the Israel Vazquez v Rafael Marquez fight together when I was like 10?" Josh asked.  
"On your uncle's couch? Of course." Bill nodded. "Your first boys' night with all the guys, watching the greatest fight your generation has ever seen. You got right into it, screaming at the TV like all us old folk."  
"Hm yeah," Josh remembered with a small laugh.

"Listen, Joshua, there's a lot I want to say but obviously I understand that you might not want to hear it. It's up to you whether or not you want to read this, but I wrote you a letter." He said, pulling an envelope out of his pocket and putting it on the side table. "And if you don't read it, please at least know that I'm sorry for how I've acted, and I'm sorting myself out now I promise. I'm on the wagon, going to meetings; got my 3 month chip." He smiled sadly, quickly bringing that up out of his pocket too, as if somehow to prove to Josh that he wasn't a sack of crap Tyler guessed.

"I'm uh, I'm very proud of you Joshua, and I always have and always will care about you and love you very dearly. And again, I'm sorry for what I've done."  
"Thank you," Josh said quietly.  
"I'm, I'm conscious of the traffic, so uh, so I'm going to go the car and I'll be ready when you are Abigail. Great to see you again Tyler," he nodded to Tyler who blanked him, "And goodbye Joshua,"  
"Bye Dad," he said, and with that the man was gone.

"I've got my antibac wipe at the ready," Abi told Josh as she walked from her mother's side over to his bedside.  
"Someone planning on giving me a sloppy kiss?"  
"Course I am," she said quietly before reaching across and planting one his forehead, then wiping away any germs with the square of white fabric.

"First thing's first, this isn't the last time we're going to see each other, okay?! I'm going to pop back all the time, so you better be waiting for me, alright?"  
"Alright," Josh smiled at his sister, and Tyler saw him a little teared up.   
"And I'm not going because of you,"  
"It's okay if you are-"  
"But I'm not Joshie. I'm missing Dad and I wanna spend time with him, and yanno, the weather sucks in Columbus."  
"Gonna come back with a bronzy tan from your trip to Toledo?" Josh laughed doubtfully.  
"Dad says it might snow next week," she laughed back, rubbing his cheek with her thumb affectionately.

"I love you JJ," she told playfully.  
"I love you more Abi-Yale," he smiled back. "And by the way, if I let you go to Dad's then you have to promise that you're gonna go back to school soon and get focused on working towards that Yale biomedical engineering course you wanna do."  
"Yes sir,"  
"My lil sis is gonna cure cancer,"  
"J how many times? I'm not going to work on cancer, it's devel-"  
"Developing artificial organs and all the rest blah blah I know Abi, but I'm proud of you either way."

"I haven't even finished high school yet," she smiled.  
"I know, doesn't mean I can't be proud of you Ab. You're my little sister, you could be a sewage worker and I'd still be proud of you. Anything you do, you do with complete courage and conviction and it's truly inspiring to me, okay? You're amazing, don't ever think any differently."  
"J please don't do final words, these aren't final words I promise. You'll see me again soon, and I'll call you tomorrow morning." She told him emotionally.  
"Alright then, I'll tell you how amazing you are tomorrow, but not before 11am, I need my beauty sleep."

"Abi sweetheart," Laura prompted her.  
"Yeah I've got to go J, can I get a hand hug?" She asked, and Josh nodded then clumsily lifted it. Abi held it and lifted it to her lips, kissing the back of his hand.   
"I love you,"  
"I love you," Abi repeated. "And I'm proud of you too Josh, really proud. You'll always be my big brother, and I'm never gonna forget you."  
"Hey I thought these weren't last words." Josh complained quietly.  
"They're not, that's why my last words to you are gonna be: you suck and it was me whole stole number 25 from your advent calendar last year." She laughed playfully before resting his hand back down comfortably and walking over to Tyler, who stood up.

"Thank you for not punching my dad," Abi smiled as she pulled him into a hug.  
"Gonna miss you littleone," he whispered truthfully into her hair as he squeezed her tight.   
"Miss you too, but look after my big bro. See you round, uggo," she teased, letting go and ruffling his hair then walking to her mom.

"Come on you, I'll walk you to the car." Laura said, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.  
"Bye boys!" Abi waved as they walked out of the door together.  
"Bye!" Tyler called after her, then sighed as he sat back down next to Josh.

"Emotional day hey?" Josh noted, looking over to him.  
"Emotional day." Tyler nodded.  
"Jees man, I need a nap,"  
"Me too. Bro nap time?"  
"Bro nap time." Josh nodded, so Tyler got out the blanket he had earlier, then made himself a makeshift bed from 3 chairs and laid down next to Josh.

"Sleep well handsome," Tyler called out playfully as he settled, but Josh was already asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back from the dead! So sorry about taking so much time between updates, but at least this one is a little longer as an apology. Needed to take some time to focus on my mental health, but I'm ready to come back to updating now, so back to the normal post rate (aka no schedule but updates as frequently as I write them)
> 
> Love you all xxxx  
> Mwah x


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay dialogue  
> Sorry not sorry

"Joseph? Come in," Coach Richens instructed, putting his head outside his office door to look at Tyler sat on the bench against the wall. Tyler picked up his bag and followed him in. He sat back down in the chair opposite his coach's desk, quickly glancing round at the wall lined with team photos and trophy cabinets before making eye contact with the man.

"You have the three suggestions for your replacement," he stated, moving his hand slightly and expecting Tyler to give him a slip of paper.  
"No,"   
"Oh Jesus Tyler, it wasn't a difficult task."   
"Yes I know, but I also know that you're not going to take my suggestions into account and I know that I can do a better job than Ryan - and we both know that you're going to pick Ryan." Tyler told him firmly, summoning all the courage he possibly could.   
"Watch your tongue Joseph, know your place." The coach growled in response.

"If you really want three suggestions, Brendon, Dallon, Andy," Tyler listed quickly. "But I can do better than all of them, and I can do better than the poor attempt at leadership I've been making this season so far."  
"Why do you deserve a second chance? Why should you get special treatment?"  
"Firstly Coach I would like to apologise because I know I haven't been good enough, but this has been the kick up the butt that I needed to get my act together. I'm aware that being captain isn't just about being good at basketball, it's about sorting things logistically but more importantly it's about inspiring and motivating my team."  
"Uh huh," Coach Richens agreed but his face still scowled disapprovingly.

"Last night I spoke to Josh, and he-"  
"Has cancer, I know, don't give me a sob story,"   
"He's my best friend not a sob story," Tyler said protectively. "And with all due respect sir, you asked me a question so let me answer it without insulting an 18 year old with terminal cancer."  
"You're right, I apologise, continue." He said uncharacteristically, taking Tyler by surprise a little.  
"Thank you. I spoke to Josh about something separate from the captaincy and he truly inspired and motivated me, and it reminded me of what I should be doing for my team. From now on I'm going to be leading be example and putting full effort into every single exercise, drill, and game."  
"Good,"  
"I know there've been times when I haven't communicated well with the team off the court, but you've seen me play and you know that I can communicate with them during a game, and I promise that I'm going to start that outside of the game as well. Last night I started a group chat with the whole team, and it may seem small but it's a start."  
"Yeah,"  
"I understand that team spirit is important, and I've agreed with Brendon that we're going to start having more group social events to try and boost morale and cohesion."  
"Brendon?"  
"He's a bit more of a natural party host than me," Tyler admitted. "But nevertheless I'll be involved,"  
"Okay good,"  
"And I'm more than willing to run practices on your behalf along with any other captain duties that you have in mind."

"Be honest with me here Joseph, this activity club on a Saturday, is that going to interfere with your dedication to the team?"  
"All cards on the table, it's a mental health support session that I do need help from at the moment. However I feel like leading this team will also help me, so I'm hoping to speak to them and arrange to receive help on a day that won't clash with games."  
"Okay good." The coach nodded, leaning back in his seat and scratching his jaw as he contemplated everything Tyler had said.

"And the um, the illnesses," he said, air quoting the last word, "you're not going to have a repeat of last time, are you? That breakdown at the game before you took that little timeout."  
"Before I went into hospital for over two months." Tyler corrected. "No, I hope not sir."  
"Can you guarantee?"  
"I can guarantee that I'll try my best."  
"That wasn't the question."  
"No Coach, I can't."  
"Hmm,"

"Coach," Tyler said as the older man continued to think.  
"Yes?"  
"Again, not a sob story, but I feel I should tell you whilst I'm being honest - Josh is going to pass away sometime in the next few weeks and I'll need some time away from the team to mourn."  
"Uh huh," he nodded, and Tyler wasn't sure what that meant but he told himself to stay calm.

"Okay listen to me, here's the deal, take it or leave,"  
"Okay," Tyler listened.  
"There's what, 6 weeks left of the semester? You've got that long to prove yourself. You can be captain, then when we come back from winter break I'll tell you whether you're gonna continue as captain or Ryan's going to take over."   
"Thank you,"  
"And the whole breakdown thing, I'd rather you didn't play in a game than started screaming and bleeding everywhere again."  
"I agree," Tyler nodded truthfully.

"So how do you suggest I balance you wanting to be captain but also wanting time off?"  
"I've spoken to Brendon and he's agreed to be my vice captain, so if I'm having a bad day regarding mental health or I need time out because of Josh then he's agreed to fill my shoes temporarily with no inconvenience for you."  
"Urie? No, Ryan can be your vice."  
"I'd really prefer Brendon Coach, we uh, we don't talk to Ryan, I wouldn't be able to tell him that he needed to run practice that day."  
"You're not 6 years old and this isn't the playground, you'll just have to get over it."  
"Please Coach,"  
"Alright that's enough Tyler, I'm offering you 6 weeks to prove yourself with Ryan as vice or Ryan as captain permanently, your choice."  
"I'll prove myself Coach, thank you," Tyler accepted with a nod.  
"Wise choice. See you at practice,"  
"Thank you again,"

Tyler picked up his backpack and stood up from the seat, then quickly walked out of the office and down the hall. He had barely leant against his locker before his phone found itself in his hand and Josh's contact open. Despite it being Josh's phone number, he knew Laura would answer for him then hopefully put Tyler on speakerphone so that he could tell Josh that their plan had worked and he was captain again.

"Tyler," a voice called from behind him, making him jump. He turned round to see Mrs Knight his English teacher walking towards him carrying a pile of books.

"Hi,"  
"Are you okay sweetie?" She asked, leaning against the locker next to him.  
"Yeah yeah," he nodded.  
"Shouldn't you be in your homeroom now?"  
"I uh, I had to speak to Coach,"  
"Do you want to come with me to my classroom, have a little catch up?"  
"Yeah okay. Can I take those for you?" Tyler offered as she repositioned the heavy textbooks on her hip.  
"Oh thank you," she smiled as he took them, then began walking down the corridor slightly ahead of him.

"Miss Joki's your home room teacher, isn't she?"  
"Yeah,"   
"Don't worry, I'll tell her you were with me and I'll register you present." The older woman told him as she held open a door onto the English corridor and let him walk through.  
"Thank you,"

"Are you going to go to any classes today?"  
"Yeah all of them," Tyler told her.  
"Good for you," she smiled warmly. "I'm teaching 2nd 3rd and 5th period but my rest are frees so you can come and sit with me if you need a time out at all."  
"Honestly Miss, I always do full days now, I'll be okay. Thank you though,"   
"Brendon emailed me, told me that Mr Richens was hard on you and he was worried it might have knocked you further into a relapse he thinks you're having." Mrs Knight told him as she opened up the door to her English class room. Tyler placed the heavy pile of books on her desk for her, then took his bag off and sat on a desk on the front row. He took a moment to come up with a response, trusting the teacher entirely but not sure what his answer truly was.

"Yeah, well I had a bad couple of days but Josh set me straight again last night so I'm feeling better now thank you."  
"Josh did?"  
"Yeah, he was having a good night. Actually is it alright if I quickly call him? I'll only be a minute."  
"Of course Ty, of course," she granted him permission with a smile, so Tyler stood up from the desk and pulled out his phone again then called Josh and paced a little.

"Hello?" Laura answered.  
"Hi Lau, it's Ty,"  
"Hey darling, is everything okay?"  
"Yeah thanks, is Josh awake enough for me to tell him some news?"  
"J's busy at the moment actually sweetie. Today's the first day of his full time hospice-at-home care and he's just meeting all the new members of his team and getting to know them a bit. He's doing fairly okay but he's a bit fitty and it's making him tired, so I'd prefer it if he focused all his energy on meeting them all - is that okay?"  
"Yeah, course," Tyler told her, admittedly feeling a little disappointed.

"If it's something serious and you need him then I'll make an exception,"  
"No no it's nothing like that, I'm okay,"  
"I can pass on a message for you if you'd like."  
"Just um, just tell him that Coach gave me a second chance and say thank you again for last night."  
"What happened last night Ty?" Laura asked.  
"Felt a bit down but Josh helped a lot, so thank you."  
"Did you tell your mom?"  
"No but-"  
"But nothing Tyler, come on sweetheart, you need to be communicating when you're struggling."  
"Honestly, it wasn't that bad, Brendon and Josh calmed me down. But I will in the future."  
"Good,"

"Can I come round tonight?"  
"Eeek I'm not sure Tyler," Laura sighed, "it's not even 9 yet and he's already had quite a few seizures; that combined with meeting lots of new people and getting used to a new care regime, I don't want to wear him out too much."  
"No I get it,"  
"Can we just let him rest this evening? Then you can come round again tomorrow."  
"Of course,"  
"Thank you,"  
"S'okay."  
"Have I upset you Ty?" She asked concerned.  
"No, just um, I've gotta go to class, but tell him about Coach and that I love him and yeah,"  
"Okay bye-" Laura said and Tyler cut her off. He didn't know why.

It was crazy how much one little phone call had impacted his whole mood and mindset. After a great evening with Josh, he sort of tricked himself into a positive state of mind. But now that Josh had been taken away from him, suddenly things didn't seem too great.

And that scared Tyler more than he was happy to admit, another reminder of how much he relied on his friend. He knew how much worse it was all going to be when Josh actually died - because he hadn't died, all that happened was he couldn't answer a phone call. It was just a phone call. Tyler should not be this upset.

"Tyler, are you okay?" Mrs Knight asked, snapping him out of his thoughts.  
"I've gotta go," he answered rushed, quickly walking back to his bag.  
"Is something the matter with Josh?"  
"Yeh, no, no he's, Josh's fine but I need to go to homeroom," Tyler stumbled over his words whilst fumbling with the door handle.  
"Tyler sit down," she instructed and he sighed, then turned back round to face her defeated.

"Come on, pull up a chair, talk to me,"  
"Sorry," Tyler sighed as he moved a chair to the side of her desk and sat on it, rubbing his face.  
"It's okay darling, what's going on?"  
"With Josh?"  
"With you, and if that includes Josh then yeah Josh too."  
"I don't even know, it's just, just all sort of slipping I guess. Falling back into old routines and feeling quite, um, quite detached? I dunno,"  
"When you say old routines, are you self harming?"  
"No," Tyler shook his head truthfully. "Having panic attacks though."  
"Without belittling the severity of panic attacks, is it only them? Or is it the other issues too?"  
"Just them."

"Are you still taking medications?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Have you seen your psychiatrist about increasing your dosages?"  
"I'm on the max already," he admitted.  
"Okay well make sure you're taking them properly."  
"I am," Tyler lied.

"Have you spoken to your therapist about it?"  
"No not yet, I was with Josh last Friday and that's when I usually have it."  
"Okay, do you think you'll be able to tell him you're struggling or do you want me to send him an email again so he knows?"  
"I'll tell him,"

"Also miss," Tyler said.  
"Yeah?"  
"They've um, my mom, she got me readmitted to Young Minds."  
"Oh that's good Ty, see some of your old friends, get some help,"  
"They're not my friends,"  
"I didn't mean the staff, I meant Gerard and Frank and all the other guys you were on the ward with who are outpatient now. You told me all about them when we sat together whilst you were on reduced timetable, remember?"  
"Gee's dead and Frank's in intensive inpatient care," Tyler told her.  
"Oh Tyler, I'm so sorry, I didn't know, sorry darling," she apologised, covering her mouth and looking at him sympathetically.

"I'm okay,"  
"But you're not, are you,"  
"I am," Tyler said, before adding, "mostly."  
"You're my budding English scholar Ty, can you give me a metaphor or an analogy? Help me to understand?"  
"Um, kinda cliche, but um, rollercoaster I guess?" Tyler said, too tired to be inventive or creative.  
"It's okay, can you expand?"  
"I dunno, like one minute I'm up and then I'm down. And uh, and I never know what's round the corner."  
"Yeah," she listened closely.

"Like yesterday was bad, really bad. Coach shouted at me and stripped me of the captaincy and said some hurtful things that I'm particularly sensitive about, and it took Dallon and Brendon almost half an hour to calm me a tiny bit. Then I went to Josh's and got really angry and upset again, I mean I started kicking the wall in his room." Tyler told her. "He uh, he's so so sensitive and it probably really scared him and I feel awful about it-"  
"Don't Tyler, it's Josh, he understands you better than anyone and I'm confident he forgave you instantly."  
"Hopefully, well probably," he sighed truthfully. "He calmed me down, made me cry actually, and yeah,"  
"Good," she smiled.

"And this morning I came into school with this can-do attitude and I marched into Coach's office and I stood up for myself for a change and I was so proud and I wanted to call Josh and tell him, but he's busy and I honestly feel like crying all over again."  
"I think you're probably a bit overwhelmed Tyler,"  
"I don't understand why though," Tyler sighed, playing with his hair.  
"Because you've got a lot going on. I mean I'm sure I don't know everything, but I talk to your mother and I talk to Brendon and of course I talk to you. I know things have been moving fast with your mental health, and that alone is massive weight on you and enough reason to cause anyone to feel overwhelmed. Panic attacks are horrible and scary, but I think you're also scared that you're going to relapse with your other symptoms too."  
"Mmm," Tyler thought to himself.

"And I know there's little things too, been fighting with Jenna, Pete's not well either, high expectations at basketball, and you're taking a lot of AP classes too. It's a lot of pressure and, through no fault of your own, you can't always deal with it."  
"I guess,"  
"Then of course there's Josh. And you've done really well in my opinion, but you have a heart and it's totally normal for it to be breaking now Tyler. It's normal to overwhelmed and terrified in that situation. It's this massive fear which I imagine is hanging over you constantly. Because as much as I wish I could tell you that he's going to be okay, we both know that it's just a matter of time."  
"Yeah,"  
"That's a lot for one kid to handle, so I think it's understandable that you're getting upset over a phone call."  
"Thank you," Tyler sighed, leaning forwards.

"Tyler,"  
"Mmm?"  
"If it happens whilst you're in school, come and get me okay? Don't go running off or hiding or being unsafe, come and get me and I'll take you where you want to go. Whether that's to your house or to Josh's, or whether you want me to take you somewhere - the forest again maybe? I'd rather leave my class and drive you anywhere than worry about you being alone."  
"Thank you," he sighed again quietly, not able to make eye contact.

"It's almost time for first period, what class do you have?"  
"Spanish,"  
"Feel up to going?"  
"You're um, you're free first aren't you?" Tyler asked.  
"Yeah, want to stay in here with me?"  
"If that's okay,"  
"Of course," she nodded. "Is there anyone in the class who you feel comfortable sending a quick text to? Just saying that you're here but you need a little timeout so could they tell the teacher,"  
"I'll, I'll text Jenna. Thank you Miss,"

 

 

Tyler walked out of after-school basketball, wet hair chilling in the November wind. He usually went straight to Josh's house, so didn't really know what to do with himself knowing that he couldn't. Instead he began to wander home, backpack on his shoulder and kit bag banging against the side of his knee.

He had stayed with Mrs Knight for first period, but attended her English class second then let Brendon take him to music and the rest of his lessons afterwards. Although the lesson off had been slightly relieving, Tyler was still feeling vulnerable. That sense of being moments from tears was still present, and he could tell that the evening ahead would probably be tough.

There was something about Tyler's house that always made him feel a little uncomfortable. He wasn't sure whether it was the ghosts of harder times haunting him, or knowing that his family were always on edge around him, waiting for him to slip up. No, he felt much safer at Josh's.

But Tyler couldn't go to Josh's and, as he came to the turn for his way home, he decided he couldn't go to his house instead. Brendon and Dallon had told him about a double date they were going on after basketball so he couldn't go to his, instead Tyler decided to go to Jenna's.

 

 

"Hi Mrs Black, is Jenna in?" Tyler asked once the door opened.  
"Tyler? Wow, this is a pleasant surprise, didn't expect to see you today." She smiled as she let him in and he took off his shoes.  
"Good to see you,"  
"Bless, how are things? Jen said Josh's not doing so well?"  
"He's, uh, he's giving it his best shot." Tyler answered, trying not to think about it too deeply.  
"Well pass on my love to his family, the girls are upstairs."  
"Will do, thanks," he smiled before hurrying up the stairs.

Tyler noticed his breath had quickened a little as he walked down the corridor and towards her room, but he did his best to slow it down before pushing her door open. She was sat on her double bed, Debby beside her, and both of them were cross legged and smiling whilst looking at something on the duvet.

"Ty baby!" She grinned as she saw him, standing up and giving him a hug.   
"Hey gorgeous," He squeezed her back and she pecked him on the cheek then led him over to the bed. Tyler let go of her hand and hugged Debby, then climbed onto the soft mattress next to his girlfriend.

"Sorry do I know you?" Debby joked.  
"You're Dotty right?" Tyler kidded back quietly.  
"J okay?" She tried to ask casually but Tyler could tell she was genuinely concerned.  
"First day on full time care, Laura decided it was best to give him a rest. But yeah, he's okay."  
"Okay thank you,"

"How about you baby, feeling a bit better?" Jenna asked, running her hand through his hair fondly.  
"Eh," he replied honestly, shrugging his shoulders and playing with a loose thread on her blanket. She wrapped an arm around him and pulled him into a side hug supportively.  
"Girls night tonight, you get a rest as well as Josh," Debby told him with a sympathetic smile.

"How, um, what are you doing?" Tyler asked as Jenna let go.   
"Scrap booking, it was Jenna's idea."  
"Yeah, just got some nice photos of us all of us, some whole groups, some pairs or trios, couple of bits and pieces that I kept from special days, that sorta thing. Thought it would be nice to have, you know, a way to remember all the good times." She explained, holding his hand.  
"Yeah that's lovely," Tyler nodded as he looked at the open book, photos, ribbons, glitter and glue in the middle of the three friends.

"Is this the napkin from our Valentine's double date with you and J?" He asked, picking it up.  
"Yeah," Debby nodded.  
"That was the day he tried to see how many things he could steal in his wheelchair," Jenna remembered fondly.  
"3 forks, a glass, 5 spoons, 2 napkins and like a dozen bread rolls if I remember correctly." Tyler recalled with a small smile.   
"Spot on," Debby smiled back, turning the scrapbook so he could read where she had written it in cursive.

"Remember this?" She asked, flipping a few pages back and showing him a photo of Josh holding a koala bear in his wheelchair with a massive grin.  
"Oh yeah," he laughed slightly. "The zoo restaurant wasn't accessible by wheelchair so somehow he managed to blag us a VIP tour,"  
"One of my favourite days ever," Jenna said honestly.  
"Have you got any other photos from the zoo?" Tyler asked, and Debby nodded then turned a page and passed the book across to Tyler. He smiled at the beautifully decorated photos, the first of which was a candid of him and Josh feeding an elephant.

"Remember what happened after that?" Jenna asked, snuggling herself into his side.  
"Elephant tried to steal his oxygen,"  
"Elephant tried to steal his oxygen," she repeated with a smile.  
"And that um, the little penguin climbed on his lap."   
"So did the monkey, starting pulling all his med tubes and that zookeeper looked like he thought Josh was going to disintegrate on the spot." Jenna reminisced. "But I swear Josh would have given that monkey his oxygen cannula for a laugh if you hadn't had stopped him."  
"Probably," Tyler smiled sadly.  
"He's like Dr Doolittle or something, animals just want to be near him all the time." Debby added.

"Wanna talk about something different?" Jenna asked Tyler, noticing his sad smile. He sighed, so she hugged him tight again.

"Any gossip?" Debby asked, but Tyler just shrugged.  
"How was practice?" Jenna prompted and even though Tyler was drained, he forced himself to answer.  
"Good, yeah. I um, I spoke to Coach this morning so we arranged a new system for me to be captain and yeah. Kinda had to prove myself as a good leader today so I put a lot of effort in and he said I did a great job so that was nice,"  
"Well done baby. What's the new system? Brendon as vice like you wanted?"   
"Ryan," Tyler murmured.  
"Ryan?!" Debby exclaimed with a grin. "I thought you said you had no gossip!"  
"Does Beebo know?" Jenna asked excitedly.  
"Uh huh," he nodded.  
"What did he say?"  
"Nothing, he just nodded then excused himself."  
"Oh my god yay, more Ryden drama," Debby bounced excitedly.

"Ty has he still not even told you why they broke up?"  
"No, just um, he always says that there were irrefutable differences and yeah, leaves it at that."  
"I still think Ryan cheated." Jenna theorised.  
"With who?" Debby said doubtfully.  
"I dunno, Jon? Is he even gay or bi or whatever? But like, they went off together after him and Bren broke up, and I dunno what else could have caused them to split because they were solid."  
"I think it was probably Brendon, like I know he's our best friend and we love him, but we all know what he gets like. And he's only worse when he's high or drunk, I'm just guessing that he got in one of his moods and did something real stupid." Josh's girlfriend proposed.  
"Guess we'll never know," Tyler sighed, not feeling entirely comfortable with talking about Brendon behind his back.

"But he's on a date thingy with Dallon now," he added.  
"He's dating Dallon?!" Jenna exclaimed in shock.  
"No no, they're um, what's it called."  
"It's a double date right? Dallon's got a girlfriend," Debby helped him out and he nodded.   
"Who's Bren's date then?" The blonde asked.  
"Sarah from cheer, she's absolutely stunning, reckon they'll make an awesome couple," Debby continued.  
"Yeah but Ryyydddeeeennn," Jenna laughed.  
"They were so god damn cute,"

"So did you speak to Ryan then Ty?" Jenna asked.  
"Yeah super briefly." He yawned.  
"What did he say?"  
"He just gave me his new number and told me that Coach had explained that he was vice now."  
"Was he like super bitter? Or did he seem like he was trying to build bridges? Extend the olive branch? Oh my god do you think he wants you to give his number to Brendon?" Debby babbled excitedly.  
"I don't know,"

"You're exhausted, aren't you babe?" Jenna sighed sympathetically, combing his hair with her fingers.  
"I guess," he nodded.  
"Do you want to try and have a nap? The guest room is all set up,"  
"Um, is, is that okay? Came here to see you,"  
"It's more than okay darling."  
"Thank you,"   
"Are you staying for dinner?" Jenna asked.  
"Yes please, if, if you and your mom don't mind."  
"I'll wake you up when it's time to eat, no problem,"


	14. Chapter 14

_And there **he** was, standing in the middle of the river, unfazed by the relentless torrent of water crashing against **him** as **he** made eye contact with Tyler. Those black empty eyes. Tyler screamed, began thrashing and splashing and trying to escape but the knots on his bleeding wrists were too strong and he knew there was no point. A step closer, another scream._

_With a blink, **his** eyes turned to red and **his** head clicked to an unbalanced angle, staring deeper into Tyler than ever before. Then a crack of lightning and bang, the river they were in turned to blood. He screamed again, frantically looking around for anything to help him breakout, anyway to escape the pounding river his feet were tied to the bed of. The foaming metallic liquid lapped at his chin as he struggled to keep his head above it, struggled to breathe._

_As his head whipped back round, suddenly the face was right opposite his. He screamed but the figure placed a coal black finger on his lips and he instantly stopped, merely whimpering terrified. Every second in **his** gaze seemed to last an eternity and Tyler sobbed, wanting to pull away but feeling too weak and inferior to defend himself._

_The pounding currents of the blood river pummelled against his body and bam, suddenly his face was covered by **his**  black hand and he was shoved under the surface. He screamed and thrashed but it simply allowed the liquid to fill his mouth, fill his lungs. Tyler desperately tried to draw in a breath but the grip of the strong black hand on his face was too powerful and his efforts were useless. Body screaming for oxygen, he tried to twist free but his legs tied to the rocks were keeping him down, the smothering black hand on his face was keeping him down. He was going to drown. He knew it. He was going to drown and there was nothing he could do about it and he could feel the blood in his lungs and he could feel the edge of his vision turning black and he could feel his limbs growing heavier and he could feel himself slipping away, falling away-_

"Tyler, Tyler, wake up Tyler," a voice called and Tyler's eyes shot open. **He** was right there, shaking Tyler awake with **his** strong black hand, red eyes staring through him. Immediately Tyler grabbed **his** arm tight and twisted **him** off him angrily.

"Argh, argh Tyler let go, you're hurting me," he winced, but Tyler blinked. It wasn't **him**. It was Zack. Zack woke him up, it was just Zack, it was just a dream, calm down, it was just a dream.  
"Sorry," Tyler breathed heavily as he released his grip on his brother's forearm.  
"It's okay," he sighed as he rubbed the marks left behind.

"Was it a nasty one? You were screaming a lot, even for you."  
"River of blood," Tyler panted, wiping his sweaty face.  
"Did the fucker manage to get you under this time?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Dude I told you, you gotta headbutt **him** when **he** jumps up in front of you. Go all Vin Diesel on **him** , fast and furious 6 style." Zack smiled.  
"I'll try,"

"You alright though?"  
"Yeh," Tyler lied.  
"It's like almost 6am, so I take it you're just gonna stay up now?"  
"Yeh, think uh, think I might go on the roof for a bit." Tyler decided quietly.  
"Alright, don't let Mom catch you."  
"I won't, thanks for waking me,"  
"S'alright, first time in a while," Zack said with a smile. "I'm gonna head back to bed because some of us actually have these things called sleep schedules that we like to stick to. But don't go falling off any roofs okay?"  
"Hope you get back to sleep," Tyler told him honestly as he sleepily wandered out of the room and back to his own.

Tyler sighed, sitting up in bed and cradling his head. His pyjama shirt was drenched in sweat so he peeled it off and threw it over to the pile of dirty clothes in the far corner of his room.

With another sigh, he rolled shakily off the bed and picked up an old church camp shirt and put it on then, then unplugged his phone from the charger. He was still a little shaken up but pushed that down and moved the framed photo of him and Josh off his windowsill, put it on his desk, then twisted the silver handle and opened it fully.

He made sure to secure the window open, not wanting to make the same mistake of trapping himself on the roof like he had so many times in the past. Quickly grabbing a hoodie, he stepped up onto the sill then carefully ducked his head out of the window and cautiously shuffled down and across the roof tiles until he was comfortable about a metre away from his window.

Tyler rested his phone in his lap and put on the mustard hoodie his mom had bought him recently, not bothering to put the hood down as it covered his sweaty hair. He breathed out deeply, a cloud of dragon's breath forming in the cold November air. The nightmare was over he told himself, it was over and he was okay.

But he wasn't.

He remembered what Mrs Knight had said the day before, he was scared about the other symptoms coming back. But he wasn't scared about the symptoms coming back, he was scared about **him** coming back. And **he** had. In the dream, yes, but also for a brief moment after Tyler had woken up. It may only have been brief second, but it had happened. Shit. **He** was back.

Part of Tyler wanted to breakdown into hysterical tears and jump off the roof right that very second, but instead he simply swallowed and lied to himself. It was just a dream, he hadn't been properly awake, it was part of the dream. There was no need to do anything drastic - he didn't need to jump, didn't need to tell anyone. It was a tired mistake. He was fine.

Determined to be fine, he unlocked his phone like a healthy normal person would. The sun was yet to properly rise and the bright white light was the strongest source around, making Tyler squint a little.

He flicked through various app screens before realising it had been a while since he had last been on his blog. A few taps later and his dashboard was open. He saw he had 19 unread comments in his inbox, but instead clicked straight to statistics to check how his last post had faired.

It had been his therapist, Dr Kahana, who had first got him into blogging. He'd always journaled, even before he started seeing a therapist, and for a long while he was determined not to switch from paper to laptop. But after several incidents of invasive siblings and parents helping themselves to his leather bound secrets, enough was enough. And for months his online posts remained private from his family and his friends and his therapist and the public, but after a lot of gentle encouragement, Tyler finally flicked the switch from private to public.

It was one of the hardest parts of recovery, but eventually Tyler came to terms with it and even began to enjoy having people read his ramblings. Of course some dark dark thoughts remained private, but he was slowly sharing more and more personal internal monologues. They still remained under a pseudonym and hidden from everyone he knew personally - all of whom complained and protested for a while but eventually accepted that Tyler needed an escape without their constant supervision. Well, hidden from everyone except Josh. But Tyler very much doubted that Josh read them anymore.

He was shocked to see that it had been 10 days since his last post, but couldn't help but feel a little proud to see that it had broken the 5000 hits mark within that time. His most successful post had gone a little viral within the blogging community and had almost 28000 hits, but most usually ranged between 4000 and 7500. If he thought about it too deeply, it would freak Tyler out to think that almost 10 times as many pupils in his entire school read when he wrote about a thought that had popped into his head, but at the same time he felt flattered.

After checking through all the numbers on 20 of his most recent posts, he went to his inbox and read through the newest comments.

_1) Haven't heard from you in a while, hope you're doing well <3 xx_

_2) I always worry when it goes this long without a post, has anyone heard anything from him? Is he okay?_

_3) Love this post, thank you for sharing x_

_4) I might be jumping to conclusions, but the last time it went more than a week was when there was that complication with Josh's lungs and he was in intensive care. Addictwithapen_21 you are truly in all our hearts, and I'm praying that things are okay for both you and Josh. However if Josh's time came and God decided he was needed in Heaven, please know that we understand your need for a break and we'll all be waiting patiently for your return. Take as long as you need, your wellbeing is the priority. If there's anything at all I can do then please tell me. Reading your posts has helped me to understand my own thoughts better and therefore understand myself and how I can grow and change and develop into a better me, a version of me that I actually like. You've helped me to work through a very very hard time of my life, and I want to repay that by hopefully supporting you through what you're going through. My prayers and thoughts are with you, stay alive fren._

Tyler double clicked the home button and swiped the app away, suddenly needing to escape. The iPhone was shoved in his pocket and his hands raised to his head. He couldn't escape. Everywhere he looked, every aspect of his life, every single thing he did, he was constantly being reminded.

He knew Josh was going to die, he knew that and he accepted that, but it didn't mean he wanted it persistently rubbed in his face. Go on his blog? Comments about Josh. Go to school? Teachers talk to him about Josh. Go to Jenna's? Make a scrapbook for when Josh's dead. Go to basketball? Coach insulting Josh. Go to church? Prayers for Josh. Go to therapy? Talk about Josh. Go to see Josh? Well, it's pretty hard to be positive when Josh looked dead already.

Hands still locked on top of his head, Tyler feebly attempted to slow his racing breathing but it seemed to have no effect as he hyperventilated faster and faster. He couldn't do this without Josh. He had to but he couldn't. Tyler started to feel dizzy and his vision began turning black at the edges, just like it had in the dream. The dream was coming true. Tyler was going to drown, he couldn't breathe and he was going to drown and it was all his fault.

Suddenly Tyler became very aware that **he** might be there, might be watching. He knocked the hood from him head to increase his peripheral vision and rapidly looked around me, stomach churning and heart racing at the thought of **his** red eyes. Although there was no sight of **him** , Tyler decided that he was too exposed on the rooftop so scuttled back along the tiles and scrambled back through the window, slamming and locking it shut immediately.

This was irrational. He knew he was being irrational and this wasn't healthy and this wasn't normal and he was supposed to be fine, supposed to be calm, supposed to be better. He knew what he was supposed to do when he felt like this, wake up his mom, drink a glass of water, get an elastic band, put on comfy clothes and sit back and wait for the shit to end. He knew what he liked to do, he liked to call Josh but he couldn't. So he did what he always did, opened up his desk drawer and grabbed his pack of pills.

Except they were gone.

Immediately Tyler's heart pounded even louder through his chest, mind racing and twisting and spinning as he tried to work out what happened. Maybe **he** had taken them. No, no, think rationally Tyler. Must have been someone in the house, someone real, someone curious. Jay. Shit, his 7 year old brother had stolen his pills - must have thought they were sweets and eaten them all. Tyler felt his stomach drop and guilt crash down on his shoulders, and instantly rushed out of the room.

Jay shared a room with his sister Maddy on the opposite end of the hallway and Tyler sprinted across it, floorboards thumping beneath his hurried strides. Tyler threw the door open, not caring as it swung and crashed against the wall loudly.

"Mom?" Maddy yawned quietly, sitting up in her bed. Tyler ignored her and grabbed Jay's upper arm, shaking him harshly then forcing him onto his feet.  
"Oww,"  
"Stupid stupid boy, what have you done?!"  
"Tyler let go of him!" Maddy cried out as Tyler dragged his now crying younger brother across the room.  
"Jay just walk!" Tyler snapped as he squirmed and tried to escape.  
"No! Oww!" He screamed, so Tyler wrapped both his arms around the protesting child's middle and carried him kicking and screaming into the bathroom, Maddy chasing after him.

"Jay you have to be sick," Tyler instructed, holding the writhing boy over the open toilet seat.  
"Stop!" Jay sobbed, "Let me go!"  
"Tyler stop it!" Maddy begged, banging her small fists against Tyler's back.  
"Fuck off Maddy! He has to get them up!"  
"P-plea-se," the small child cried, but Tyler knew it was for the best so held his jaw open and rammed his fingers down his throat forcefully.

"Tyler Robert Joseph, what on earth do you think you're doing?!" Kelly exclaimed as she entered the bathroom followed by Zack and Chris, alerted by all the kerfuffle.  
"Don't touch me! I have to do this!" Tyler shouted as Zack tried to intervene. Jay took the opportunity to bite down hard on Tyler's fingers. "You cunt!"  
"Tyler that's enough son." His dad said firmly, snatching Jay sobbing from his clutch whilst Zack held Tyler back.

"He took all my pills, Mom you gotta make him sick," Tyler begged, Zack holding one arm tightly and Chris the other as Jay snuggled himself into Kelly's chest.  
"Tyler I have your meds, you need to calm down." She told him, then carried Jay out whilst holding crying Maddy's hand.

 

 

"Thank you Zack," Kelly said softly as she entered Tyler's bedroom. The younger brother nodded then stood up and left, leaving just Tyler in bed and his mom next to him. She sat in the seat where he had been then reached out and gently rubbed Tyler's arm.

"Medicine time baby," she told him, tipping several pills into his hand then a glass of water. He sat up slightly to take them, then laid back down.  
"Thanks," he whispered quietly, looking at the wall ahead rather than her.  
"I took all yours and I'm going to look after them because I don't want you having them readily available in excess in case you get any nasty thoughts. So I'll get them out for you in the morning and evening, and I don't want you following me or watching me when I get them, okay?"  
"I can do it, I'm fine,"  
"Okay baby," she nodded but he could tell she didn't believe him.

"I, I need to go to school, I'm uh, I'm gonna be tardy," Tyler decided, sitting up and swinging his legs onto the floor.  
"We're going to take today off darling," she told him, sitting next to him on the mattress.  
"No, no my um, in, in music, Mr Babineaux is pairing us, for um, there's a new project."  
"I've called you in sick already darling, you're not going in."  
"I'll go to Josh's, yeah, Josh's," Tyler decided with a distant nod.

"Tyler we're going to go to pop into the Young Minds day clinic today, you and me together."  
"I'm going to see Josh."  
"Darling, I called Laura and she said that she doesn't feel safe with you visiting Josh whilst you're sick. He's very vulnerable baby, and even the slightest lapse in control could mean you hurt him which might have horrible complica-"  
"I won't hurt him." Tyler told her defiantly.  
"Not on purpose, but it's not always in your power."  
"He's my best friend, I won't."  
"And Jay's your brother." Kelly reminded him firmly. "Tyler you really hurt him, and-" but she stopped as Tyler burst into tears.

 

 

  
_Brendon: Hey buddy, missing your testosterone at the lunch table right now :/_  
_Tyler: Hi_  
_Brendon: Just fyi we're together for the song writing project_  
_Tyler: Thanks_  
_Brendon: You coming in for basketball?_  
_Tyler: No_  
_Brendon: Are you going to be at Josh's all day or is there anyway I can come round and talk to you about something personal? Preferably to yours but I could come to Josh's if he doesn't mind._  
_Tyler: Not today_

 _Brendon: Is everything okay Ty? Has something happened?_  
_Tyler: I had a bad morning so I'm staying home with Mom. Managed to persuade her not to take me to hospital but I'm not gonna be able to talk her round to having a guest too, sorry_  
_Brendon: Shit man_  
_Brendon: Should you be in hospital? How bad was it?_  
_Tyler: Grabbed Jay screaming from his bed and shoved my fingers down his throat to make him sick_  
_Brendon: Just take things easy okay? Listen to Mommy Kelly, if she decides that YM is best then don't fight her on it. Take as long as you need to get back to yourself, I'll work on the music project, your vice will cover at basketball, the teachers will all understand. Make sure you're your own priority_

"Tyler, that's enough phone time please," Kelly told him.

 _Tyler: I have to go but thanks_  
_Tyler: And don't tell the girls_  
_Brendon: I won't if you don't want me to. Text me if you need anything_

"Sorry," Tyler murmured, then placed his phone in her open palm. She pocketed the device, then went back to icing one of the gingerbread men they had baked together that morning.  
"Who was it?"  
"Brendon," he replied, picking up his tube of red icing again.  
"Do I need to call his mom and ask that he gives you some space?"  
"I'm, I'm okay Mom, he was just checking in on me."  
"And what did you tell him?"  
"The truth."  
"Which is?" Kelly asked, not looking up from the intricate jacket design she was piping.  
"About what I did to Jay."

"Jay, he'll forgive you you know Ty," she said a few seconds later.  
"I thought I was helping,"  
"I know you did baby, and um, even though I never want you to do that again, I am grateful that you were trying to protect your brother even when you were sick."  
"I never mean to hurt people Mom, it just sorta happens."  
"I know darling, and we don't blame you." Kelly told him, but Tyler wasn't sure he believed her entirely.

"Now I want you to be honest with me here Tyler, is this the first time? Or have things been difficult recently and this is the first time I've found out?"  
"Panic attacks, mood and anxiety have been getting progressively worse but last night was the first nightmare and this morning the first episode."  
"So this morning was an episode? You saw **him**?"  
"No," Tyler lied. "I just meant like irrational thoughts,"  
"Okay," she nodded, thinking to herself.

"Tyler will you draw **him** for me?"  
"Huh?"  
"Well you've got red icing, isn't **he** red? Will you ice **him** so I can see what **he** looks like again?"  
"Mostly black, red eyes. But no, I'm not trivialising **him** by turning **him** into a gingerbread man Mom,"  
"Might be helpful,"  
"What? So I ice **him** and then I bite **his** head off and magically that's my schizophrenia cured?" Tyler snarled doubtfully, feeling annoyed and noticing himself getting a little angry.

"Sorry, can I go and lie down please,"  
"Of course darling, I'll check on you in 5 minutes,"  
"Thank you," Tyler sighed quietly then excused himself from the kitchen table and went back to bed.


	15. Chapter 15

_Today's prompt: What song best describes your current mood?_   
_Addictwithapen_21's response: Amsterdam by Imagine Dragons. From first line to its last, it's exactly how I'm feeling right now. It starts out by saying:_

_I'm sorry, mother... I'm sorry, I let you down_   
_Well, these days I'm fine - No these days I tend to lie_

_And I think that pretty much sums up how the last 24 hours have gone for me. Although I've slowly been on the decline with regards to my mental health, yesterday things finally bubbled over and I had my first incident in about 3 months. My mom told me it was okay, and my youngest brother (who I physically hurt whilst sick) came and gave me a hug this morning and told me that he's all better now, but that doesn't mean that my actions were acceptable. I shouldn't have let it get to this point again. I knew I was getting bad again, deep down I knew, and yet what did I do? Suppressed those fears and carried on pretending that I was fine, that there isn't this fault line in my soul._

_There's this one sentence, not from the song, just something that keeps repeating like a mantra in my head when I'm failing at sleep; he wished he could swallow the sky whole to silence the empty space between his ribs, because this - desperation between breaths, fault lines in his soul - is the mark of a boy turned disaster praying for self destruction._

_Am I boy turned disaster praying for self destruction? Boy turned disaster, yes definitely. Praying for self destruction? Well not literally, but by refusing to take responsibility for my own illness and letting it dictate me rather than the other way round, am I allowing my own demise? Furthering it in fact?_

_I often think about how much of an impact my actions actually have on my illness. There are things I could do that definitely worsen it - drinking, smoking weed, putting myself in stressful situations, lack of sleep, isolation, having no structure to my day, caffeine, unhealthy eating or not eating at all, tension/arguments. So I avoid them as much as possible, often going out of my way to steer clear of the habits. However, does that count as me trying to look after myself? Is it proactive? I say no to joints and parties, but that's simply not doing something rather than actively trying to help myself._

_The two main reasons I don't help myself are 1) I don't think I deserve it, 2) I don't believe it works. And I know the evidence suggests contrary to the latter, but nevertheless it's a thought deep embedded into my every fibre. I think perhaps it originates from when I tried to recover without the help of Young Minds or medication or Josh, and ended up slipping further into my spiral downwards. Then once I had those three things in place, I did start to improve. So in my mind, it's the pills and the hospital and my best mate who stop the bad things from happening, not me putting in the effort. And I think having that association in mind, no matter how illogical and incorrect it seems, is what prevents me from saying stop this cyclone of self destruction Tyler, start fighting._

_It's also something that terrifies me, because that all-curing never-failing 100%-successful triangle of recovery is about to lose a member. I'm about to lose Josh. And I know I've been saying that for a while, but everyday that date is closer and it's starting to get to me. I say starting, I think it's been getting to me ever since I found out and I've been doing what I always do, suppressing it. But it exploded out yesterday and I know it will again soon._

_So what am I going to do? What I should do, what I want to do and what I will do are 3 different things. I should tell my family and my mental health team and take their advice to make a safety plan for the future. I want to overmedicate and pour my heart out to Josh until the sun sets then rises again. But no, I will push it down again and go back to pretending that my soul is fault line free._

_As always, thank you for reading,  
Stay alive frens x_

Tyler didn't bother to spell-check the blog post, he never did. If he went back and re read what he had written then he tended to tweak and change it, and that defeated the point of having an online journal at all. It was what he was thinking at the time and that's what he needed to get off his chest, so that's what he posted.

"Tyler! Can you get down here please!" He heard his mom call faintly.  
"Coming!" He called, shutting his laptop and tossing it off his legs and onto the pillow next to him, then rubbing his eyes for longer than he needed. With a groan, he stood up and waltzed down the stairs and into the kitchen where she was sat.

"Thank you darling," she smiled as he entered.  
"S'okay,"  
"Come on, sit, what have you been doing?"  
"I um, I did a blog post," Tyler told her quietly, sitting on the chair next to her.  
"Well done baby, glad you managed to do something productive. Now, I want to work on a timetable alright?"  
"I, I, I already have this week's one, in my room," he murmured, referencing the detailed structured plan he had stuck on his wall. Kelly always wrote one out for him, including all his lessons and practices and medications and meals and church sermons and appointments and anything else he was going to be doing that week in order to help give him some structure. Of course he struggled to stick to it as he always spent more than his allotted him with Josh, but regardless she always made them. It was her way of helping.

"We're going to work out a new one, one that's a bit easier for you darling."  
"I'm fine,"  
"That's my least favourite thing that you say," she sighed, spinning her pen with a sympathetic smile. "Let's do a new one,"  
"Fine," Tyler caved, not feeling particularly motivated to fight her over something so trivial.

"So, today, it's 10am, what would you like to achieve or do?" She asked, clicking the pen and hovering it over the week template she had printed.  
"There's um, Dr Kahana later,"  
"Yep, 4-5," Kelly nodded as she wrote it in.  
"And I want to go into school at lunch for the afternoon."  
"No, no school today baby, you're not well enough."  
"I am,"  
"Well how about you spend the next few days with me to prove that, then I'll see on Monday whether I think school is a good idea."  
"How exactly are we supposed to plan the week when you haven't even decided if I'm off house arrest?!" Tyler snapped frustrated, kicking the chair opposite him so it fell over with a clatter.

"Do you need a glass of water?" Kelly offered, but Tyler simply stood up and picked up the chair again, tucking it carefully, then paced the length of the kitchen with his hands on top of his head.  
"Nope."   
"Let's just plan today and the weekend, then we can do the rest on Sunday evening. Therapy at 4, we'll leave at 3.30 so make sure you're dressed and ready. And we'll have lunch together, so meet me here at 12.30." She decided, noting it down for him.  
"K,"   
"Have you got any work from Dr Kahana you need to do?"  
"Not doing it."  
"Tyler." She warned him sternly.  
"I'm going to the session, isn't that enough?!"  
"Hmm, okay darling. How about school work? You don't have to, but if you have something you enjoy then maybe we could do that together?"  
"I'll invite Brendon round."  
"Tyler sweetheart you're not well enough for guests and you're not listening to my questions, school work,"  
"And you're not listening to me. I want Brendon to come round so we can work on the music project!" Tyler growled, knowing he should definitely not be this emotional and short tempered but feeling powerless to stop it.

"Brendon will cope fine, he's very gifted darling. Today's going to be a you and me day."  
"I want to see Josh."  
"Remember what Laura said? You need to be 48 hour incident free before you can see him."  
"It's bullshit, he's my best friend." Tyler hissed.  
"Tyler," she sighed as he paced.  
"He helps Mom, he makes it better, I need to see him."  
"Do you really not get it baby?" His mom asked but he ignored her. "Josh is really ill, and if you have an episode and accidentally lash out, you could easily break bones or put him in hospital and maybe he won't ever get well enough to come home again. Josh wants to be at home, so we need to make sure that's where he stays and one way we can do that is by-"  
"By keeping him safe from me."   
"Well, well yes baby,"   
"I hate this," Tyler whispered, stopping pacing and instead resting his head against a cupboard with his eyes closed. Kelly gave him a moment before standing up next to him and placing her hand on his lower back fondly. He kept his forehead pressed against the wood for a minute before eventually turning into her embrace and letting her hug him against her chest.

"I know sweetheart, but you're being so brave, so brave,"  
"This is the longest I've gone without seeing him since they said it was terminal," he noted blankly, trying not to cry as she stroked his hair.  
"It won't be for much longer if you look after yourself Ty, I know it's not easy but you need to stay committed to recovery no matter what's happening with Josh,"  
"I am," he lied. "Can we um, will, will you call him? I won't do anything to hurt him, I just want to hear his voice,"  
"Are you going to be okay if I step next door and call Laura?"  
"Yeah, I'm fine Mom," he nodded as he pulled out of the hug.  
"Don't lie to me Tyler," she sighed, ruffling his hair. "I'll only be a minute."  
"Thank you,"

Kelly closed the door behind her as she left to make the phone call, and Tyler sat back down at the table. He quickly glanced over at his barely started timetable, but then opted to check his phone instead, 3 notifications on his lock screen.

_Brendon: Hope you're having a better day today, and still hoping to talk to you in person if you're feeling up to it._   
_Jenna: Missing you handsome, love you xx_   
_You have (3) new comment(s) on your newest blog post. Swipe to read!_

Tyler ignored the two texts and swiped the blog alert, opting for the support of strangers rather than two of his best friends because he was fucked up. With a shaky sigh, he skimmed the messages from familiar account names that he knew had notification alerts on and frequently interacted with him.

_1) So glad to hear from you, been worried sick! Refreshing your blog every 10 minutes. I'm not going to lie, still feeling worried sick after reading this post. Please, talk to Josh, talk to your parents, talk to your team. You deserve help_

_2) Firstly, love that song. Secondly, this post made me cry. Please, addictwithapen_21, I can't bare to watch you fall down this hole again_

_3) I'm proud of you for recognising and acting on those things you've highlighted as making your schizophrenia worse, and I trust that you can apply that same strength to acting on your recovery. We all know that you can do it, but please, prove to yourself and to Josh that you can do it too. Think about what Josh would say if he read this, wouldn't he want you to take care of y-_

But Tyler shut the app before he could finish reading the comment. It had been the comments that pushed him over the edge yesterday, and he wasn't about to do the same thing again. Not because he wanted to protect himself from having an episode, but because he didn't want to miss out on talking to Josh due to one.

"Mom?" Tyler said quietly as she walked back in, phone in pocket.  
"Not today darling," she shook her head.  
"Please Mom, I w-won't hu-urt him," Tyler began to cry before he even realised what he was doing. Kelly walked over to where he was sitting and wrapped her arms around him, rocking him gently.

"Ssshhh, it's okay, it's not your fault baby, shhh don't cry,"  
"Is, is he sc-scared of me?"  
"Oh darling, of course not, he's just really poorly right now,"  
"How poorly? What's happening?"  
"He's having a nasty seizure, but don't work yourself up, he'll b-"  
"How long?" Tyler interrupted.  
"25 minutes so far," she told him and he felt sick, physically sick. "Deep breaths Tyler,"  
"Ha-have they called an ambu-lance?"  
"No darling, they're trying to be optimistic and keep him home, so we have to be optimistic too okay? He's got a nurse from the hospice with him as well as his mom and I'm sure it will end soon and he'll come back around and be his happy joking self."

"Please Mom, I have to see him, please,"  
"Tyler this is breaking my heart, but I need to think with my head and I know that it's going to upset you and that's going to make you ill-"  
"It won't, please," he begged through tears.   
"Laura's going to call me when he's conscious and happy again, and you can talk to him then,"  
"Please,"  
"No Tyler,"

 

 

  
Tyler saw it was 12.35 on the clock on his bedside table but purposefully chose to ignore it despite knowing he was supposed to be eating his lunch with his mom downstairs. Instead he was buried under a mound of blankets reading recent blog posts by his online friends, yet to find anything that actually distracted him from the constant fearful thoughts racing through his mind. Laura hadn't called. Almost 2 and a half hours and she hadn't called to say that Josh was better. To say that Tyler's imagination was running wild would be an understatement.

Suddenly the blogpost he was reading about a panic attack experience was replaced by Jenna's caller ID, and begrudgingly Tyler answered and held the phone to his ear.

"Hey handsome,"  
"Hi," he replied, voice soft but cracking.  
"Are you free to talk?"  
"Course,"  
"Good, because I miss you baby,"  
"Miss you too," Tyler replied routinely.

"Sweetheart you didn't call me last night," she said sadly.  
"Sorry,"  
"No, no don't be sorry, I just, you know, we had that whole talk about communication and being open and honest with each other, and I dunno, it's only been a few days and we're already slipping on the promises we made to each other. I just don't want things to fall apart again,"  
"Well I said I'm sorry okay?!" He snapped.  
"Are you okay?"   
"Peachy."  
"My bad, I should have asked how you are before I started the conversation. Be honest, how are you?"  
"You don't want the honest answer," Tyler sighed.  
"Oh baby I'm sorry,"   
"S'fine,"  
"But it's not, is it? Do you want me to stop by Josh's on the way home from school to check in on you?"  
"No point, I'm not allowed there apparently, I'm at home."  
"What?! Who said that? That's ridiculous. You know what, it doesn't matter baby, want me to come by yours instead?" She said angrily before calming down.   
"Thanks but no thanks, I think it's best I'm alone right now."  
"Tyler honey, you know you're bad with isolation. If you need a break tonight then that's alright, but don't go cutting yourself off from the whole world for too long please."

"Tyler! Lunch!" His mom called up the stairs, so he pressed the phone against his chest for a second to call back.  
"I'm on the phone to Jenna!"  
"Now Tyler! Come on!"  
"Mom I don't want any!"  
"Tyler!"

"Tyler baby?" Jenna said as he raised it back to his ear. "Do you need to go?"  
"Nah,"  
"Is that your mom calling you?"  
"Yeah, but it's fine."  
"We all know the rules Ty, Mommy Kelly always knows what's best. Call me later if you can okay? No pressure,"

 

 

Tyler sat in the passenger seat of his mom's car on the drive, waiting impatiently for her to finish locking the door and join him so they could drive to therapy. Between his fingers he held a piece of paper on which his mom and he had written down what had happened with Jay so that Tyler could give it to Dr Kahana in the circumstance that he found himself unable to talk about it. With another crease formed, the door opened and his mom sat down.

"Your phone's ringing." Tyler told her immediately as she placed her handbag on the seat behind her.  
"Oh, is it?"  
"You're half deaf," he groaned as he reached back and got it for her, panic rising as he saw Laura's contact whilst handing it across.  
"One second," she told him, climbing out of the car again and answering the phone without Tyler being able to hear.

Tyler hated many things in life, often life itself, but pretty high on the list was when people talked away from him in some attempt to protect or shelter him. He wasn't 4 years old, he could listen to a phone call. In fact it was making him more anxious trying to lip read than it would to listen in. But he didn't need to lip read, her body language said it all; pacing, running her hand through her hair, resting her hand on top of her head, stopping walking, shit, wiping a tear. Shit. His mom never cried, the last time had been his last suicide attempt, it had to be bad to make her cry. It was bad, Tyler knew it.

"Just tell me," he said as she opened her car door and sat down again.  
"He's in hospital,"  
"Intensive care?" Tyler asked terrified, tears threatening to fall already.  
"High dependency unit." She told him and they spilled over. "The seizure lasted for 43 minutes so an ambulance came and he was blue-lighted to hospital."  
"Yeh," he sniffed, staring straight ahead rather than making eye contact.  
"They took him for an MRI scan and they found a lot of new aggressive brain tumours,"  
"How many?"  
"A lot," she repeated.  
"More than 3?"  
"9 sweetheart," Kelly said and Tyler let out a sob. "But as of right now the same prognosis stands, he still has a few weeks if he's lucky."  
"And if he's not?!" Tyler cried. "Please Mom, let me see him, please,"

"I haven't made my mind up honestly Tyler, what do you think? Be honest with yourself, can you do this?"  
"I have to at least try, please, if I get sick then you can take me home straight away. Please, I have to be with him."  
"You need your therapy Tyler, you didn't go last week and you've had a difficult few days, I think you need to see Dr Kahana."  
"We'll reschedule I promise, please, I'll, I'll never forgive myself if I'm not there when Josh, you know," he said, tears running down his face.  
"And you'll definitely go to the next session?"  
"Yes,"  
"Okay baby, I'll call Dr Kahana then we'll go and see Josh."

 

 

Tyler and Kelly's footsteps echoing down the corridor was the only sound, both of them deep in thought, as they headed towards the private room the receptionist had directed them to. Privacy, it could only mean one thing in Tyler's mind, a dignified place to pass away. But he swallowed down the sob that tried to claw its way up his scratchy throat and continued to walk until they came to the door with Josh's name written on the whiteboard.  
"Wait here a sec darling," Kelly told him and he nodded, then she knocked on the door and went in. A moment later she came out with a red-eyed Laura.

"Oh Tyler," she sighed tearfully, holding her arms out and hugging him tight. "I'm so sorry, but I know you've been having a hard time and I didn't want-"  
"It's fine, I get it," he nodded, stepping out of the hug. "How is he?"  
"Not well," she shook her head. "They found new tumours and they're growing so fast that it's making his brain swell and increasing the pressure in his head, so um, so he's struggling,"  
"Can I see him?"  
"Yes, but um, this morning he broke his wrist, shattered it, during the seizure. They've soft casted it but they're not going to do a hard cast because it's not going to heal so it will only be uncomfortable for him."  
"No hand hugs then?"  
"No darling, no touching at all please. He's so delicate,"  
"Okay," he nodded disappointed and scared.  
"And I'm not just saying it to be overprotective, part of his hip fractured as well in the ambulance. Please Tyler, if you think you're starting to hallucinate then leave immediately, I can't have you touching him,"  
"I'll leave I promise,"  
"Thank you," she said tearfully.

"Kelly, can we get some coffee? Need to leave that room." Laura whispered, turning to face his mom.  
"Of course,"  
"Can I still be in there with him?" Tyler checked.  
"Yeah, Ash is in there and Jordan's around here somewhere. They know you're not well and they'll watch you."  
"Tyler, use your head yeah? Don't do anything stupid." Kelly told her son.  
"I won't,"  
"Go on then sweetie," Laura said quietly, opening the door for him then shutting it once he entered.

The lights were dim in the small rectangular room, and it took Tyler's eyes a moment adjust. Against one wall there were several chairs, and Ashley sat on one with her legs laid across the others. Tyler could see her dampened cheeks and reached out a hand to her. She took it and he squeezed supportively, then let go and walked over to the bed in the middle.

Josh looked like Josh, except he didn't. He looked like cancer-ridden Josh, except he didn't. He looked like cancer-ridden Josh who was checked out. His entire body was supported by seemingly endless pillows, propping up his shattered left hand and bruised and curled right hand. They ran like braces along either side of his torso, hips and legs. There were even pillows under the balls of his dropped feet. No signature smile rounded his face, instead his mouth hung slightly open involuntarily. But the thing that got Tyler was his eyes; they were looking as far upwards as they possibly could, any further and the pupils would have been hidden within the sockets. It was almost as if Josh was trying to look at his own brow, and it made Tyler's heart sink.

"Hey J, feels like I haven't seen you in forever man, I've, I've missed you." Tyler began, voice cracking as he stood at his bedside, clutching the rails tightly, knuckles white. "See this is just proving what I've always known, we're soul mates J, bad things happen when we're apart. I think we finally need to stop denying our love and get married, and then the universe will be happy and stop picking on you," he tried to say lightheartedly, and heard Ashley force a slight laugh.  
"True love's kiss cures everything and all that," she said softly.   
"Exactly, Ashley's on my wavelength." He smiled at her.   
"Do you want a chair? You can take it closer,"  
"Uh yeah, yeah please," Tyler nodded, waiting as she moved her feet then he picked it up and moved it next to Josh's head and settled down.

"What you looking at Josh? What's up there?" He asked as Josh's eyes continues to wander along the top of their sockets. "Have you got magic powers like me now? Super powers? Can you see things that nobody else can?"  
"Josh as a superhero, sounds about right."  
"Hey! Caught you, you're listening aren't you?" Tyler forced a grin as Josh's eyes rolled then met Tyler's.  
"Is he looking at you?" Ashley asked.  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded, keeping eye contact. She quickly got up, chair scratching against the floor as she moved fast, and stood by Tyler with yet more tears.

"Hey JJ, hey, my big brave brother, heya," she cried as Josh looked at her blankly. "I love you so much,"  
"Honestly Josh, those eyes, melt any girl's heart," Tyler smiled as he held Ashley's hand, her grip tight and borderline painful as she sobbed.

"Thank you Tyler," Ashley wrapped her arms around him suddenly.  
"For what?" He asked confused, still maintaining eye contact with Josh.  
"He, he hadn't looked down from the ceiling since he got here, but the minute he hears your voice suddenly he's feeling better."  
"Soulmates," Tyler winked over her shoulder at Josh, getting no reaction at all.

Ashley let go of him and turned back to face her brother whose empty eyes remained fixed on Tyler. With one hand she gripped the rail and with her other she softly leant forwards and stroked her brother's cheek with her thumb.  
"I'm so proud of you Joshua,"  
"Yeah you're doing great mate," Tyler attempted to say convincingly when suddenly Josh's eyes rolled into the back of his skull and he began to seize again. Ashley recoiled terrified and Tyler could see her shaking and crying, and knew that the 43 minute seizure earlier must have scared her beyond belief. So he was left to take control, began a timer and tilted Josh's head to the side in case he needed to vomit.  
"Ashley, go and get a nurse," he instructed firmly and she ran out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing like a bit of Christmas cheer hey?


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had a little Christmas break but now I'm back :D xx  
> Hope you're all well and had a good holiday x

Although Kelly did let Tyler stay till gone 10 on Friday, she did eventually drag him home for a sleepless night tossing and turning in tears. By 5am Tyler was ready to go back to the high dependency unit again, and sat on the bottom step of the stairs waiting till Kelly was also ready to leave at 6.45.

The car ride was silent, no attempt at conversation and the radio knob remaining untouched. There was nothing either of them could say, Kelly knew how Tyler was, Tyler knew that any comforting words were fake, Kelly couldn't promise everything would be okay, Tyler wanted to save his rapidly draining energy for Josh.

"Tyler," Kelly said when they were almost at the hospital.  
"Yeh," he whispered, staring out the window.  
"I have you anxiety medication in my bag. Now I don't condone this, and I don't ever want you to do this without me giving permission, and that will only be very very rarely, but if you need an extra one today then you can take it when you need it." She told him, oblivious to the fact that he always used to do exactly that when she trusted him to look after the packs.  
"Thanks," Tyler murmured, head vibrating against the window painfully.

"You, um, you did really well yesterday so good job. But that uh, that doesn't mean today will definitely go hallucination free too. Remember the warning signs and tell me immediately if you feel anything starting to happen."  
"I will," he said, no volume behind either syllable as buildings raced by and they grew closer and closer to the hospital.

"Outpatient morning at Young Minds starts at 9,"  
"I'm not going,"  
"Okay," she accepted immediately, and he knew that was because she thought Josh was going to die. Part of Tyler wanted her to put up a fight, to try and force him to go to YM and get better. He wanted her to stick to what she said the other day, focus on recovery no matter what was happening with Josh - but no, she was just as scared as Tyler that this might be the end.

 

  
As they opened the heavy door onto the high dependency unit and both rinsed their hands under the touch free antibac dispenser, a nurse welcomed them from behind a desk.  
"Hi, who are you here to see today?"   
"Joshua Dun, he's in room 2," Kelly answered.  
"Yes he is," she nodded, looking at a computer screen. "Are you family?"  
"No, close friends."  
"Ah, I'm sorry, I'm afraid it's immediate family only."  
"Did something happen?! What happened?!" Tyler panicked.  
"It's HDU policy,"  
"Tell me what happened!" Tyler repeated, feeling himself tear up as fear pulsed through his veins.  
"Ty darling," Kelly tried to calm him down, grabbing his hand tightly and squeezing. "Sorry, it's just we were allowed to visit him yesterday, the nurse let us through - Julie?"  
"Yes Julie was on duty yesterday, urmm, she shouldn't have done that. Let me just see if there's any notes on his file," the woman hummed, clicking the mouse a few times as Tyler's mind raced.

"Mom," Tyler whispered discreetly.  
"What is it sweetheart, do you need to get out of here? Unwell?" She whispered back, turning to face him and holding his other hand tight too.  
"No. Mom they're not going to let us see him are they? I need to see him,"  
"We'll figure something out darling." Kelly attempted to reassure him whilst maintaining constant eye contact.

"Okay so I'm having a quick look here, he's a registered patient at Noah's Ark Children's Hospice?"  
"Yes that's right,"  
"I know that he will be moving from the HDU to the hospice once he's stable, so you'll be able to visit him then," the nurse informed them and Tyler was on the brink of tears, knowing Josh wanted to be at home - it was the only thing he ever asked for.  
"Kate! Kate, let them in," a nurse called from down the corridor, and Tyler turned to see Julie the nurse from yesterday jogging towards them.

"Josh's family registered Tyler as a young carer, he's got visiting rights." she told them, catching her breath after running to the desk.  
"Oh okay, it's not processed on his file yet, not a problem," Kate said, but Tyler still felt faint.  
"And how about me? Tyler is a carer but he also has his own medical issue and needs supervising by someone who knows him," Kelly told them, holding her son's hand.  
"You're under 18 aren't you Tyler?" Julie asked him and he nodded shakily. "Then yeah, he's allowed to have a supporting adult."  
"Thank you,"   
"Okay, so Josh's in room 2 which is just down that corridor and round the bend, sorry about the confusion." Kate directed them, and they nodded and said thank you then quickly walked down the hallway. Kelly still held his hand and, just before the corner, she stopped them walking and turned to face him.

"Tyler, Tyler look at me,"  
"Mom," he said terrified, shaking badly as his vision misted over.  
"Tyler deep breaths, you're okay, you're okay,"  
"I'm gonna get sick,"  
"Eye contact Tyler, we can pull this back still."  
"Mom I'm I'm I'm gonna hurt him," Tyler stammered terrified as he gasped, unable to look up from his feet as they tapped. He desperately wanted to run his hand through his hair and pull and twirl and tug it to stop himself crying but he couldn't because his mom held both his hands tight.

"Are you hallucinating Tyler?"  
"No,"   
"Tyler you have to ground yourself,"  
"Can't,"  
"Do you need to stim?"  
"Yes," he decided immediately, shaking like a leaf. The moment her grip was released from his hands, they shot straight up into his hair. He sat down on the floor of the hospital corridor and pressed his back against the wall, hands still yanking on the tufts. Tyler tried to focus on the smooth cold bricks behind him, feel each square centimetre of skin press against them, but it didn't help calm him down. He had been on the edge for a long time and something as small as a little hitch at front desk had sent him tumbling down the dark pit.

"Tyler, I have marbles, a spinner ring, the keyring fob, tangle toy and a bead bracelet." Tyler heard his mom say calmly, and pealed his eyes open to see that she was sat on the floor next to him and had gotten all his stim toys out of her purse. She had placed them on the floor and he quickly grabbed the ring and put it on, then helped himself to the bead bracelet and began stimming with it.

"The rest away? Or stay?"  
"Away," he sniffed tearfully, running the beads across his fingertips and letting the smooth glassy material roll over his skin and calm him down.  
"Okay darling," she said warmly, doing as he said. He continued to move the beads, clicking them together and sliding them through his shaking fingers over and over again.

"Tyler you're doing a great job," his Mom told him but he didn't believe her, he still felt like he was dying, like every inch of his being was screaming and he was moments from blacking out. But admittedly his breathing had slowed down.  
"Mom,"  
"I'm here baby,"  
"Mom I don't think I can do this," Tyler whispered honestly.  
"Okay darling, we don't have to. Let's get you to a bearable level and then we'll walk to the car and I'll take you home, or we can go to Young Minds if you'd feel safer."   
"I don't know,"  
"Just focus on breathing, we'll make a plan later,"

"Oh, hi you two, Tyler, okay? Do you need a hand?" Laura said as she walked out of Josh's room and discovered the mother and son sat on the floor. Tyler looked up and saw her looming above him intimidatingly and his breath began to race again.  
"Tyler, beads," Kelly prompted him and he began clicking them again.  
"Shall I sit?" Laura asked softly, realising she was scaring Tyler. He nodded to end the menacing shadow falling on him, and she groaned as she slid down the wall next to him so that he was sandwiched between the two mothers.

"There was a small problem arriving and he's a bit overwhelmed, but we're going to get off the ward in a minute. Don't worry, he's doing okay," Kelly explained, Kelly lied. He wasn't okay. Yes he wasn't hallucinating, but that most definitely did not mean that he was okay.  
"Well I appreciate you coming to see J even though you're feeling low Ty, and I'll pass on a message if you're going to go home."  
"Is he okay?" Tyler sniffed tearfully, not looking up from the beads between his fingers.  
"Slightly better than yesterday but not well," she replied truthfully. "He's been sleeping a lot but he's awake now, eyes open and occasionally looking at people. He only just woke up about an hour ago so I don't know maybe he's still tired and he's going to come round a bit more, I'm not sure, we'll have to wait and see."  
"Yeh," Tyler breathed out before biting his lip as tears dripped off his jaw.

"You know you did really well yesterday, right Tyler?" Laura told him softly. "And I know the seizures are long and scary, and the time in between is even scarier, but you do such a great job of just talking to him. Thank you Tyler, I can tell that he's listening and he's enjoying what you're saying and your company and just knowing that you care about him."  
"Absolutely," Kelly agreed as Tyler continued to slide the beads.  
"And in return for you looking after him, he wants to look after you too. He wants you to stim when you need to stim, and take a breather when you need a breather, and go home when you need to go home."  
"What if he's not here when I come back?" Tyler whispered.  
"What if the last time you see him you are so unwell that you do something you will regret?" Laura replied. "Tyler, one day there's going to be a time when you leave Josh and he's not going to be there when you come back. I'm sorry darling, but it's inevitable and I think you know that. It might be today, it might be tomorrow, it might be in a month for all I know. But Tyler, it's not inevitable that you have an episode involving him. Do you understand what I'm saying?"  
"Yeh," he cried.  
"You might not be with him for his final day or his final hour, but at least you didn't hurt him on his final day or in his final hour."

 

 

"Tyler! Hey! Didn't think you were coming this morning man, good to see you again. You too Kelly," Rob welcomed him and shook his hand as he and Kelly entered the Young Minds outpatient centre.  
"Hi," Tyler replied quietly, following the 30 year old mental health worker.  
"Rob can we have a quick word before we head in?" Kelly asked and he stopped before opening the door into the room where the other patients would be.  
"Of course, anything for Mommy Kelly," he nodded. "Wanna step into the staff room? It's empty?"  
"Thank you,"

"So what can I do for you both?" Rob asked as he sat down on a chair and the mother and son sat opposite.  
"Firstly sorry we're late," Kelly began. It was just after 10 and the session started at 9, but Tyler had needed a long time sat in the car to build up the courage to leave the hospital parking lot. "But we spent this morning at the hospital, and I want to make sure that Tyler's properly supported this morning."  
"Okay, Tyler was it you who needed hospital treatment? Self harm related?"  
"No," Tyler shook his head.  
"Josh, he's been admitted to the high dependency unit for complications with his brain tumours." Kelly explained.  
"Ah, okay, well I'm sorry to hear about that," Rob nodded.

"Tyler visited him yesterday and did quite well, but this morning it was too much. We went to the hospital but needed stimming in the corridor and then the car before coming here rather than seeing him again. I think you just need a distraction, don't you darling?"  
"Uh huh," Tyler nodded.  
"But I just want to make sure that he can be distracted and yet stay safe."   
"Of course," the mental health worker agreed. "So Tyler, shall we assign you a one-to-one supervisor for this morning?"  
"Thank you," he whispered, not wanting one but remembering that his mom had suggested it might be a good idea in the car.

"There's a lot going on this morning and we've not got many people in-"  
"Pete? Is he in?" Tyler interrupted, heart thumping anxiously, still not feeling comfortable around his friend since their dispute.  
"No. He was in last night but I understand that him and Patrick have other plans today, but Ray and Mikey are here, who else will you know, Spencer, um, Ashley," he listed on his fingers.  
"Halsey," Tyler corrected.  
"You know we're not supposed to call her Halsey, it's not helping her to get better," he told him, "but yeah Halsey, Hayley too,"  
"Okay,"  
"Then there's Andy, Joe, Melanie, Vic and Kellin who you haven't met yet, but if you feel comfortable then I'll introduce you and if not then there's plenty of people who you do know."  
"Okay,"  
"So there's just the 10 of them plus you now this morning which is quite nice, shouldn't be too loud or busy, and there are plenty of staff available if you need us."

"What activities are on?" Kelly enquired.   
"There's a pretty fierce table tennis match going on between Kellin and Vic right now; Ray, Joe and Andy are playing snooker; Spencer's having a bit of down time, trying to get some sleep; then all the girls plus Mikey are decopatching. And if the weather holds out then we might get a game of soccer going on the field soon. You're welcome to tag along to any of them or do something different, it's your choice."  
"Decopatching sounds the best to me darling," Kelly helped him out when he couldn't decide. He simply nodded.  
"Alright we'll set you up with them, and I'll hook you up with a supervisor - any preferences?"  
"Is Mark working today?"  
"Yep, I'll fill him in on what you've said Kelly and then he'll stay with you Tyler."  
"Thanks,"

"Are you joining us for lunch today?"  
"Is it still 12.30?" Tyler asked softly.  
"Yeh. We're split about 50/50 today on who's staying and who's going. I know that Halsey is staying and you always used to get on well."  
"Yeah, yeah we did," he agreed quietly, not sure what to answer.  
"Well how about I meet you here at 12 when the session ends, then if you're feeling up to it then I can just pop into town for a bit whilst you eat, or alternatively I can take you home." Kelly offered, again coming to his rescue.  
"Thank you," Tyler whispered.

"Alright awesome, sounds good. Anything else? Or should we head through Ty?"   
"Is the quiet room still accessible?" He asked.  
"Of course mate, of course. That's where Spencer is calming down right now, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind some silent company. Or alternatively we can bring you in here. If at any moment for any reason you need to get out then tell Mark and he'll take you somewhere."  
"Thanks,"  
"Alright follow me," he said and they did.

The outpatient building held a corridor of offices and therapy rooms, a few larger empty rooms for group therapy sessions and a large canteen, but the main space on the ground floor was taken up by the activities area - the rec. The name stemmed from recreational space, and Tyler was very very familiar with it.

Him and the other patients often called themselves the wrecks of the rec and they were all struggling with mental health issues. Some used it as a step down from being in inpatient care, and had therefore been very unwell in the past but were on the road to recovery. Others didn't meet inpatient care criteria - weren't sick enough - but needed additional long term support so attended the sessions. Then some, like Tyler, were going downhill fast and outpatient care was just a gateway to his inevitable inpatient admission. At least that was what Tyler predicted.

"Mark! Got a buddy for you," Rob called to him, and Kelly and Tyler stood at the side as the two workers talked.

He surveyed the very long very large room and saw it hadn't changed much since the last time he had been there. Down one end were various tables - snooker, tennis, football, and Tyler saw the group of boys that Rob had listed earlier. Some were familiar and others were scary and intimidating. Closer towards him were three couches pointing towards an off television. Another area contained a whole stack of board games, and one section of wall was lined with a few computers. A zone that was supposed to be calming was surrounded by lava lamps and fish tanks and beanbags. Finally there was an arts and crafts area, and that was where another group of people was working and Tyler would soon be heading.

It was basically a youth group but all the patients were constantly on the verge of tears. Tyler liked the principle - getting unwell people, most of whom didn't attend school, out of the house and into a positive social environment. And for the most part he liked the activities. But the bit he struggled with was fitting in - it wasn't because of his illness, it was just the simple fact that he wasn't like the others.

Tyler looked back down at the guys playing snooker and table tennis, and he knew he wasn't like them. They were 'lads', they could play snooker, joke around with each other, talk about sports and girls and parties. Mentally unwell but nevertheless cooler than him. Simply looking at one of the new guys with long hair and scarred yet tanned tattooed skin was making Tyler feel uncomfortable.

So instead, Tyler would sit with the girls. But, obviously, he wasn't a girl. They were always nice to him, always welcoming and kind and caring, but Tyler couldn't help but feel like he was a guest to their group or intruding on their gang. And Mikey sat with them too, but Tyler could barely make eye contact with him. Gerard had been Tyler's roommate when he was inpatient and had since killed himself, and the brother's stare was too reminiscent. Too painful.

"Hey man, long time no see," Mark smiled at Tyler as he walked back over with Rob. Tyler couldn't resist hugging his old keyworker, and Mark laughed and hugged him back. "Eshleman-Joseph dream team reunited,"  
"Yeah that's not as catchy as you think it is," Tyler tried to say lightheartedly but it was barely audible.  
"You wanna say bye to Mom then get started?"  
"Come on darling," Kelly beckoned him, pulling him into a hug. "I'm so proud of you, you're being so so brave Ty. If you need picking up early or anything at all then call me and I'll come straight here baby I promise. Have fun okay?"  
"Okay,"  
"I love you,"  
"I love you too," Tyler replied, then stepped out of the hug.  
"12 o clock pick up Kelly," Rob reminded her.  
"Okay thank you, see you really soon,"  
"I'll walk you out," the man said, and they left Mark and Tyler alone at the door.

"Alright man, you're the boss, wanna head over to arts and craft straight away or do something different first?"  
"Don't mind," Tyler breathed softly, following his casual steps further into the room.  
"Chess?"  
"Chess," he nodded, so the pair walked to the games area and sat down at a small table where a set was already out. Tyler opted for the black pieces so Mark began putting out the white in front of himself.

"Oh, sorry, did you want a drink?"  
"No thank you,"  
"Cookie? Got some Oreos," Mark offered.  
"I'm fine thanks,"  
"Sure?"  
"Yeh," Tyler nodded.  
"Alright, but if you need anything then let me know,"  
"I will, um, white's first,"

"Okay here goes," the slightly older smiled, moving his first piece with a smile, "you're gonna whip my ass, I can tell already."  
"Dunno, it's been a while," Tyler replied quietly as he moved his first piece in response.  
"You're frustratingly good, just when I think I'm pulling into the lead you always manage to swoop in and beat me."  
"I um, I didn't even know how to play at all before I went inpatient."  
"And now look at you."  
"I guess 5 hours of chess everyday for 9 weeks has its benefits," he smiled sheepishly, knowing he was admittedly the stronger player of the two.

"Indeed. So, how are you? How's the family?"  
"Well I mean I'm back here,"  
"True, but in spite of the circumstances it is good to see you again."  
"You too," Tyler replied. "The um, the family's well thank you. Dad got that promotion, and yeah, Zack's doing well in school, all of them are actually. It's the um, we, we're all the captains of our basketball teams so I guess that's pretty neat."  
"What all 4 of you? Like 4 teams, 4 captains, 4 siblings?"  
"Yeh,"   
"I'd say neat was a slight understatement, that's awesome! Gees, what are your parents feeding you guys?" He laughed as he continued moving his pieces.  
"I'm on probation, if I have an episode then I lose it, but yeah, it's cool whilst it lasts."  
"If you have an episode then maybe you need a break, but congratulations on getting it in the first place,"  
"Thank you," Tyler replied, taking Mark's knight.

"I won't say anything else if you don't want me to, I understand that you came here to get away from it, but I am truly sorry about what's happening with Josh. He's an amazing person and a great friend to you."  
"It's fine," Tyler lied, trying to focus on his next play.  
"Move on?"  
"Move on."

 

  
Kelly bombarded Tyler with questions as they drove away from Young Minds, but he just kept running his fingers over the large letter J he had decorated and ignored her. The letter was originally plain wood but he covered it in strips of beautiful paper stuck with water-glue whilst trying not to scream as all the girls plus Mikey stared into his soul. Tyler didn't know whether it was a present for J, for J's family, or for himself, but quite frankly he didn't care at that moment in time.

His breath kept catching in his throat and his foot tap tap tapped in the footwell, and he wasn't even sure whether the screams inside were being conveyed externally too. That happened sometimes. He'd be screaming and not even realise that it was coming from his mouth as well as the voice in the back of his brain.

"Tyler Robert, look at me," his mom ordered and his head snapped up to see that she had stopped the car on the side of the road.  
"Was, was I, was I, was I, screa, ming?" He mouthed, eyes wide and terrified.  
"Darling you're hyperventilating. Stay with me." She instructed calmly but firmly.  
"Too much, it's too much, it's too much, it's too much, it's too much, it's too much, it's too much," Tyler suddenly realised, and once the switch flicked he couldn't turn it off. "It's too much, it's too much, it's too much, it's too much, it's too much, it's too much, it's too much,"  
"Tyler stim. You have the ring on still, stim darling,"

Tyler heard the words, he understood, he knew what she wanted him to do and what he needed to do and yet he couldn't do it. It was as if he was underwater and couldn't get to the surface. It was as if he was cutoff, separate from reality.

It reminded him of a sheet of glass between him and his mom, and that reminded him of going to the ice rink with Josh and trying to talk to him through the glass and that reminded him of Josh and that reminded him that his world was hours from falling apart and damn, he was crying.

"-and I'll drive you away from the busy noisy scary road and we can go and sit in the forest together, okay? And then once you're calmer I will take you to Young Minds and ask if they have a free bed for you to sleep in tonight."  
"No!" He blurted out as he tuned back into his Mom's speech.  
"Baby we can take it one night at a time, if tomorrow you're better then I'll take you home with me again, but today has been a bad one and I want you to be safe - I need you to be safe." She told him and he was paralysed with fear once again.

"Tyler, look at me," Kelly said firmly, but it was too much it was too much it was too much. He fumbled for the door, needing to escape, and then suddenly he was gone from the warm leather seat and out onto the harsh asphalt ground.

Step after step after step after misplaced step after stumble after step. Tyler's head whipped round and saw his mom was chasing him, and then he felt the swell of air swoosh against him as a car rushed past and he heard her scream. It hadn't hit him, almost, but it hadn't. He staggered away from the white line marking the edge of the road and fell to his butt on the grass, ugly snotty sobs erupting. Why couldn't it just have hit him?

 

 

After Kelly held Tyler as he cried on the roadside for about 20 minutes, Chris finally arrived. He left his car at the roadside and drove Kelly's for her, planning to retrieve his once Tyler was safer. Tyler sat in the back with his mom, silently crying against her chest. They agreed that hospital was too much anxiety for tonight and they would try again to get Tyler home, but if he had another bad turn then Kelly warned him that she would have no choice but to admit him.

He had no control over his actions because he had no control over his thoughts, and he had no control over his thoughts because he had no control over Josh's health. His best friend was going to die and he knew that once it happened he would fall into a dark dark pit, but he didn't realise it would happen whilst he was still alive. If his state of consciousness could even be considered living.

 


	17. Chapter 17

"Tyler?"  
"Yeah?" He sniffed, wiping away his tears as Maddy pushed open his bedroom door.  
"Can I have a hug?" She whispered.  
"Of course," Tyler told his younger sister, so she crawled up onto his bed with him and snuggled herself against his pyjama shirt, his arm wrapping around her small body. He didn't know what time it was - he'd fallen asleep around 2 and woken up from a nightmare at about 4, then sat in his bed for maybe an hour or two before Maddy joined him. Although he didn't know the exact time, he knew it was too early for the 10 year old to be awake.

"What's got you out of bed this early?" Tyler whispered gently, trying to ignore his tears in hope that she wouldn't see them in the dark room.  
"I'm sad and I couldn't sleep,"  
"Why's that Princess?"  
"Mom said Joshie's in hospital again,"  
"Yeah he is." He nodded, more tears trickling.   
"I'm scared he's going to die," she revealed and began to sob. Tyler sighed then pulled her even closer and pressed his lips to the top of her head.

"Maddy he is, we spoke about this remember? He's going to die one day, but that's nothing to be scared about. Joshie's in lots of pain, yeah, so it will be better for him once he's in heaven."  
"I don't want him to go," she sobbed and it broke Tyler's heart. He bit his lip as he pressed his chin down against her hair. "I want him to get better,"  
"So do I, but he's going to feel so much better when he's free from the nasty cancers in his body."  
"Why can't they just fix him?!" She cried against his tshirt, dampening the fabric.  
"The medicine doesn't work for everyone. It worked one time for J, remember? And he dyed his hair pink? But this time it didn't, so the hospital are making sure he's happy for now,"

"Ty-ler,"  
"Yeah?"  
"I, don't, like, it," the young girl sobbed.  
"It's gonna be okay," he reassured her, but before she could answer, his bedroom door swung open and his mom appeared.  
"Maddy, come on, I told you to give Tyler some space," she murmured, walking into the room and taking her daughter's hand.  
"Mom I'm fine," Tyler tried to tell her but she had already pulled her off the bed and onto her feet on the carpeted floor.  
"Darling, hop back into bed, I'll pop in in a minute but I just need to talk to Tyler." Kelly told her, then encouraged her out of the door and shut it behind her.

"You shouldn't have done that, she was upset," Tyler sighed, wiping his tears as the woman sat beside him.  
"So are you."  
"I was making her better, she wasn't making me worse."  
"Either way darling, I don't think you need the added pressure of trying to look after the littleones when you're barely coping yourself." She said, but Tyler didn't bother to reply.

"Did you manage any sleep?"  
"Bit,"  
"Been up a while?"  
"Yeah," he sighed as his tears finally dried up.  
"Have you had a little think about the plan for today? Or not really."  
"I um, I wanna try again at visiting J,"  
"I have some more news about him, Laura messaged me about 2 minutes ago, do you want to hear that first before we make a decision?" Kelly said and Tyler's heart began to race again.  
"W-what?"  
"Two things baby, one, they've moved him from the HDU to the ICU-"  
"Ventilated?" Tyler whispered terrified for the answer.  
"No sweetheart, he's breathing, it's just because they've got more nurses to patients so they can look after him even more since he's having so many of these long seizures. Second thing, Laura's signed a DNR. If his heart or breathing stops, they're not going to restart either."  
"That's the humane thing to do now please get out." Tyler instructed firmly as he stood up off the bed and raised both his hands to his hair, tugging harshly as he begged himself not to break down.

"Baby you shouldn't be alone,"  
"Get out."  
"Ty Hun, if you need to go for a walk when we can do that together."  
"I said get out! Get out get out GET OUT!" He suddenly snapped, kicking his closet then grabbing an empty water bottle and then a tub of hair wax and then an unlit candle and throwing them in procession at the wall behind her. She immediately leapt up and hid behind the door to protect herself as he threw more and more at the wall. Finally he ran out of things to throw and strength to keep himself standing.

"Baby are you done?" Kelly asked, then peered round the door and saw Tyler on the ground. She sighed then walked to sit next to him, hand rubbing his back supportively. "It's okay, it's okay,"  
"I'm sorry," he cried into his knees.  
"Tyler nothing hit me, it's fine, we're both fine."  
"W, w, what if it ha-ad been Maddy?" He hiccuped. "What if I hurt her li-ke I hurt Jay a-and Zack?"  
"Baby, Jay was a little spooked but he wasn't hurt, and you haven't touched Zack, it's okay."  
"No no no I did, I, I had a nightmare and I grabbed him and he's got bruises." Tyler freaked as she continued to rub his back.  
"Tyler I know you're upset but darling I need you to calm down, ground yourself. You've got stim toys in here, where are they?"  
"Box," he hyperventilated, and Kelly kept a hand on his back and looked around the bedroom, reaching across and picking up the beautifully decorated red and black box filled with the devices from the top of his chest of drawers.

"Here, baby choose one." Kelly instructed as popped the top off and held them out to him.  
"I, I, I don't know,"  
"You like this one, Jenna bought you this one." His mom told him, placing a tangle toy in his palm and wrapping his fingers around them. Instinctively he began to twist and turn the plastic tubing.

"Jenna gave it to you and she wrote you a really long letter when you went into hospital, and you stuck it on your wall and used the stim toy every day. Tyler I don't know how much you remember and how much you lost to hallucinations, but Jenna was there every single visit day alongside Josh."  
"Mmm," Tyler bit his lip tearfully.  
"Tyler I know you think it's only Josh who understands your illness, and he does truly understand, but he's not the only one. I understand, Jenna understands, Zack understands, Debby, Patrick, Pete, Brendon, they all understand. Sweetheart I need you to know that you're not going to be completely alone when Josh moves on. You just need to trust us and let us try - tell us when we mess up, teach us what we do wrong, help us get better together. This isn't a two man team losing a member, this is you accepting help from people other than Josh."  
"Can, uh, we, um, uh,"  
"Can we what darling?"  
"The forest? Will you, um, please will you take me there?"

 

  
"You'll have to show me the way, it's been a while," Kelly smiled, holding Tyler's hand whilst the woods became more and more dense as they walked further and further away from the parked car.  
"Yeah,"  
"I used to have to come here every day when you were at middle school, searching the whole forest to find the two boys playing make-believe every night without taking their phones."   
"Probably having a psychotic episode."  
"It was innocent childhood fun Ty, it wasn't illness. You and J, alien hunting on Mondays, secret agents on Tuesdays, escaped prisoners on Wednesdays, all sorts. Your imagination has never ceased to impress me."  
"It was, uh, they were, um, good times," Tyler remembered fondly, picturing the hours of fun they would have before his mom dragged them home for dinner. Except she wasn't mom, she was a 5 legged monster or a Russian spy or a shapeshifter that Josh and he would climb trees to escape in fits of giggles.

"We were a bit old for it though,"  
"Nonsense, you're never too old to have fun Ty."  
"I guess." He sighed.  
"Think of all the memories you made, all the laughter you shared, all the times I had to run you or him to the emergency room for tree climbing accidents,"  
"Broke my wrist 4 times, right?"   
"Right." She laughed. "And as much as all us parents warned you not to climb, at the end of the day you were best friends having fun and that made us happy."  
"Yeah,"  
"You boys have been through so much together, I think it's so precious that you have those happy memories to look back on amongst everything going on."

"It's uh, that's the tree." Tyler said, gesturing towards the great oak with the hand that his mom wasn't holding. The grand natural arcing beast had been a portal to a mystery land and a shipwreck at the bottom of the ocean and a giant mutant octopus, but now it was simply a place to sit and think. One of the many half metre thick branches ran horizontally and was about a metre off the ground where the mother and son climbed up, then they balanced along it as it ever so slightly curved up so that they finally sat 2 metres high. The green moss was soft under Tyler's legs and his feet dangled freely as his mom got comfortable. Soothing.

"Okay?"  
"Yeah," he sighed.  
"Do you want me to talk? Or have you got something you'd like to say?"  
"You please,"  
"Of course darling, whenever you need Mom to talk then it's okay to ask, I'll do whatever's going to make this easier for you Ty. And that's a very relative term because there's nothing any of us can say that is going to make this easy. Losing somebody is never easy, being mentally unwell is never easy. Tyler nobody is expecting you to go through this without a hitch, and you have to know that we're not stopping you from seeing Josh as a punishment for you being sick."  
"Yeh," Tyler whispered, wiping away tears that had started to roll down his cheeks.

"It's not a punishment, I know it might feel that way at times, but Josh and you both deserve a dignified final memory together and Laura and I agree that saying goodbye when you're sick is going to be such an awful thing to look back on."  
"But I'm not sick," he cried.  
"Tyler, when we were talking in the bedroom earlier you told me about the bruises on Zack's wrist, remember?"  
"Yeh,"  
"This happened before, when you were really sick, and you would always grab people when you woke up because your mind tricked you into thinking we were **him**. Tyler be honest, that's what happened this time right?"  
"No."  
"Tyler,"  
"Yes," Tyler nodded, hissing as he cried.  
"Oh sweetheart, come on," Kelly comforted as she wrapped around an arm around him and squeezed.

"You're unwell and that's okay, that's not a big deal. It doesn't scare me, I'm not scared of you Tyler."  
"You should be." He broke down, a persistent fixation that his mom was aware of.  
"I'm not scared. You're my son, you're my baby, you're my brave little boy - nothing that happens to you is a reason for me to be frightened. Okay, you see someone who I can't, but that doesn't make you a dangerous person. You're a scared person Tyler, and it's my job as a mother to do my absolute best to make that fear go away."  
"You, can't,"

"We can beat this Tyler, with the help of Young Minds and Dr Kahana and the family and your friends, together we'll help you I promise."  
"I, I, you, uh, none of you can help, o-only J he-elps."  
"You're right, Josh does help, but he's not magic Tyler. I know he's been an amazing best friend and incredibly caring and patient, but it's not magic. He helps you because you let him, you accept it from him, you don't from anyone else."  
"I do!" He sobbed.  
"You think you do, but I'm not sure that's entirely true baby. I'm not blaming you sweetheart, and I'm not saying it's a conscious decision. I'm saying that I know people have taken advantage of you before, I know Ryan took advantage of you before, but I'm also saying that I won't. I love you Tyler. I love you and I promise I will never hurt you like Ryan did. I promise I'm not Ryan,"

"Ry, Ry-an's, my, he's my vice a-at basketball," Tyler whimpered scared, his mom's arm still holding him securely.  
"Coach made him your vice captain?" She asked and he nodded, making more tears drip. "Alright darling, that's not okay, I told school that he's to go nowhere near you. I'll speak to Principal Lewis on Monday and get him removed from the team."  
"No-o!"  
"What he did was unforgivable Tyler. If he's your vice then that means lots of communication between you and I can't have him doing that again, not with everything else happening. Ty baby I don't think you could cope."

"I, I, I always get spec-cial treatment,"  
"That's because you need it Tyler. You're not like the other kids and that's okay, you manage splendidly, but I still need to watch out for you and that includes keeping toxic people away."  
"B-but Brendon,"  
"Brendon? Are they dating again?" Kelly enquired but he shook his head. "Tyler think about this for a moment with me okay? Brendon and Josh are the only two from school who know what he did, and they both instantly cut him off. Bren was so incredibly in love with him but in spite of that he could see what a despicable thing Ryan did. He immediately sacrificed his relationship and broke his own heart because he realised that you deserve better. Tyler you deserve better than Ryan. Even Ryan's number one fan could see you deserved better - doesn't that say something about how he acted?"  
"It was ju-ust a prank,"  
"You don't prank people in the middle of a psychotic breakdown," she sighed, obviously still angry over it.

"Tyler I'm afraid that's non-negotiable, I'll see Principal Lewis tomorrow. But Ryan's in the past, he's gone baby. For now we need to focus on the challenge ahead."  
"I don't want to, I don't want to have to do it, I don't want it to happen, I don't want it to happen,"  
"Tyler, stim darling, you're winding yourself up." She instructed and he dug into his pocket and pulled out the plastic tubing from Jenna. It made no sense to outsiders, but something about repetitive actions was calming and soothing and constant and something he could take control of and regulate when everything else seemed so overwhelming.

"It's going to happen Tyler, he's going to pass away and it's probably going to be this week."  
"Mom," Tyler sobbed.  
"I know baby, I know. It's horrible and I wish I could take it all away and make everything better, but I can't. So we can't stop him from leaving us, but we can do our best to say a proper goodbye and look after ourselves and each other through the difficult few weeks we've got ahead of us."  
"Mmm,"  
"Sweetheart things are going to be okay I promise. No matter what happens, it's going to end up alright eventually. If you need some time off school then we'll take time off, if you need to get out of Columbus then we'll go on a road trip, if you need hospital to keep you safe then I'll arrange a little inpatient admission."  
"Hospital?" He panicked.  
"Tyler, Tyler breathe, I know you don't like it but I need you to stay calm and stay alive okay? I need it more than anything. We'll take things one hour at a time, but I need you to keep your mind open to the fact that you almost definitely will spend a few days at least at Young Minds."

"W-would J-osh-sh be up-set?"  
"If you went back into hospital?" Kelly asked and Tyler nodded. "No he wouldn't be upset, he'd be proud Tyler. Going to Young Minds is you choosing to keep yourself safe, and that's all Josh has ever wanted, yeah?"  
"Yeh," he nodded tearfully.  
"What was the promise that you made to him Ty? Can you remind me?"  
"To sstay a-alive,"  
"That's right Tyler, stay alive for him. I know why you think he would be upset, because you know how upset he was when you went into hospital last time and how happy he was when you came out. But he wasn't upset that you were going somewhere to get better, he was upset because you were sick. Tyler I think he would be upset now if he could understand how much you're struggling, so yeah, I know he'd be proud of you for doing what's best for you and going to Young Minds."  
"Not yet though."  
"No not yet darling," she squeezed him tight. "But you will let me admit you when the time is right?"  
"Okay." He nodded terrified.  
"So brave," she hummed, pressing her lips to his temple.

"Mom," Tyler said a moment later.  
"Yes baby?"  
"Do you think, that um, that I'm going to get better fast enough to see Josh?"  
"I think that it's going to take a long time to get you fully better Tyler, but I reckon we can get you stable enough for a short visit yeah?"  
"This afternoon?"  
"Maybe, we'll see."

"About um, about **him**."   
" **Blurryface**?"  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded, cowering at the name. "I um, I, I did see **him** but it was only that time with Zack and it was only a second, I haven't had any other relapses."  
"None?"  
"No."  
"Truthfully?"  
"Completely."   
"How about nightmares baby, is **he** in them?"   
"Uh huh," he replied, before adding. "Always."  
"Oh darling, I'm sorry." She hugged him tight. "We'll beat **him** , we'll beat **him** I promise."

"I, I um, I, I, I, I,"  
"Concentrate on the stimming and the words are easier," she reminded him and he did exactly that.  
"I would like a, uh, an appointment with the YM psychiatrist please,"  
"Absolutely baby, I'll book one as soon as we get home. Can I ask why?"  
"Don't be mad?"  
"Never." His mom reassured him.

"When, when I did my own medicine, I um, I took all the ones I was supposed to but I also took extras."  
"Extras of what Tyler? This is important darling." She tried to ask calmly but it still came across as urgent.  
"Anxiety meds."  
"Which one?"  
"Lorazepam,"  
"How many?"  
"I, I dunno, just um, whenever I uh, I needed it I guess. Like maybe an extra two or three every other day?"  
"Oh Tyler,"  
"I know I know, I just needed a um, needed more help."  
"So you ask darling, in the future you ask Mom."  
"I will, I'm just worried now that my tolerance has changed because," he stopped and gestured to himself crying. "I'm a mess since you stopped me taking more."  
"Well I'll book to see Dr Harris but we might need to go to the doctors office too baby, get blood tests to make sure that you haven't done any damage. I know you don't like the blood tests but I promise I'll make sure that everything is safe."  
"Sorry Mom," Tyler cried.  
"Tyler Tyler Tyler, shhh, it's okay baby, we'll fix it, I'm gonna be here every step of the way I promise."

 

 

  
Tyler paced along a small section of the corridor outside Josh's ICU room as his mother spoke to Laura and checked whether Josh was well enough for Tyler to see him. He hoped and prayed and even begged his own mind to behave because he desperately needed to see J. It had all been too much the day before, but Tyler refused to let that become a theme. This week was Josh's week, he would probably pass away and rightfully the focus should be on him, not on Tyler.

He hummed a little tune as he paced, trying to keep himself distracted and the surge of anxiety at bay. Despite being terrified of what he might find behind that door, he was desperate to go in. Every day, every hour, every minute that he lost to his mental health was time he lost with Josh, and Josh didn't have any time to spare.

"Ty darling," he heard his mother called, and quickly walked over to where she pulling the door closed behind her.  
"He okay?"  
"Not really baby, he's listening, definitely listening, but no talking or anything."  
"Th-that's okay, we have listening days sometimes, it's fine, he just um, some days he needs a rest," Tyler nodded, one hand on the back of his neck.  
"But sweetie you understand this isn't a listening day, this is going to be a listening week or two, they don't think he's going to talk again."  
"Okay, I can, I can just talk for him, fill the silence,"  
"You're trying very hard to be alright," Kelly sighed, running her hand through his hair.

"Mom, are you going to let me see him?"  
"Yes darling, but on the condition that we do 10:10, 10 minutes in there with him then 10 minutes out here with me calming and grounding yourself. Does that sound like a deal?"  
"Even if I'm fine?"  
"Even if you think you're fine." She nodded. Really Tyler would rather spend every single minute of the rest of his life with Josh, but he knew that realistically 10 minutes blocks were his best offer and he had to accept that.

"Okay,"   
"Good boy," his mom smiled warmly. "And just so that you're not surprised when we go in, he's got a thick bandage on his right arm round his elbow and the surrounding area."  
"Why?"  
"He was restless in the night and pulled his IV, it was stuck down with a sticker but because his skin is quite fragile he pulled off all the skin it was stuck to. Because he's on blood thinners it meant that it was bleeding a lot, so he's got a tight bandage to stop it."  
"Did it hurt? When he pulled it off?"  
"I shouldn't think so darling, you know Josh, he can put up with a lot. Plus he's on a lot of pain killers so I'm sure he's fine Ty." She attempted to reassure him but he wasn't entirely convinced. Regardless he knew that if he fixated on it for too long then he was wasting precious time.  
"Okay,"  
"Ready to go in?"  
"Yeah,"  
"And you can leave at any point,"  
"I will if I feel something starting."  
"Proud of you Ty," she smiled, then opened the door.

The lights were dimmed, Tyler knowing there were probably still too bright for Josh, and it took a moment to acclimatise. Tyler saw that Laura and all three of Josh's siblings were in the room, Abi back from Toledo already due to his turn for the worse. The sick man's mother stayed sat but the other three stood up and left the room so it didn't get too crowded, and Tyler presumed that they would simply do the reverse 10 minute swap to him. Tyler walked over to Laura and gave her a tight hug, then went and stood at Josh's bedside.

Despite what his mom had said, Josh looked ever so slightly better than Tyler's last visit. Previously Josh had spent the majority of the time admiring his own brow bone, whereas he was tracking Tyler with his eyes as he walked over to him. Tyler half expected him to smile and say hey like normal, but instead a confused expression fell across his face.

"Hey man, sorry I couldn't swing by yesterday, but I'm here now," Tyler began, managing to hold back the tears that were brimming in his eyes as Josh held puzzled eye contact. "Sounds like you've been on quite an adventure hey? Going for a scan, changing rooms and wards, seeing Abi again, staying up late at night and causing trouble with your IV. Don't go having too much fun without me okay?"

"You'll never guess where I went this morning with my mom, we went down to the forest. Remember that big old tree? The giant octopus one? Yeah we went and sat there for a bit, and I was thinking about that time we got those two sticks and played pirates and we were sword fighting whilst balancing on the branches. That was probably really dumb, and walking the plank and falling down onto that pile of leaves was definitely really dumb, but we had fun didn't we J?"

"It's really beautiful outside at the moment Josh, I hope you get to see it. Or maybe I can take a photo and show you if you wanna stay warm and snuggled in here." Tyler said, forcing a smile at his bewildered expression. "It's fall so all the leaves have turned and everything's really autumnal, the view from my roof is gorgeous. I know fall's your favourite so I promise I'll bring some picture next time. All gold and brown and orange and red."

"Josh, are you okay? Are you hurting?" Tyler asked, not knowing if he could respond but unable to resist asking. His friend's face had gone from confused but curious to then just confusion, but had progressed to looking scared. Not just scared, but terrified. Tyler was ever so slightly relieved to get a reply, however the hesitant shake no of the head made his stomach drop.

It didn't take a genius to work out that Josh was scared, but Tyler didn't have a clue what to do. He couldn't hug the man because he would break something, words that he thought were calming had actually caused him to get scared in the first place. Tyler desperately wanted to stay calm so he didn't hurt anyone, but he also desperately needed to help Josh and was at a loss on what to do.

"Help," he whispered to the moms in the seats.  
"Tyler should we go?" Kelly asked, presuming the worst.  
"No, I just, he's scared and I don't know what to do."  
"Sweetheart, tell him who you are." Laura instructed gently and a penny dropped for Tyler. Pete had been right and Josh had forgotten him.

"Josh, do you know who I am?" Tyler asked him, tears rolling down his face. Josh shook his head no. "Do you know my name?" Again he shook his head no. "Tyler, I'm, I'm Tyler, I'm your best friend." He told the sick man, but there was nothing. No recognition. Nothing at all. He scoured Josh's face for any signal of understanding, any movement that would show the lightbulb moment when he understood, he searched and searched until he was blinded by tears and taken out of the room sobbing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops sorry I've been MIA this year on this story, HOWEVER, I have posted a 20000 word wedding segment to Fear Will Lose and written 10000 words of the 3rd chapter of Sleep As Deep As Death so check them out as some point if you haven't already xx  
> Love you lots and sorry this is SO late


	18. Chapter 18

"Good morning Joshie, didn't think you were gonna sneak into hospital without me finding out did you?" Rebecca smiled as she entered Josh's ICU room. The woman was a nurse on starlight ward, the teenage cancer unit, and had been a long term member of Josh's care team. Although Tyler liked the woman, he couldn't even pretend to be happy to see her.

"Are these ICU lot looking after you? Because I made sure that they put their best nurses on your observations, after all you're hospital royalty." She babbled happily as she picked up the clipboard on the end of his bed and clicked her pen, then filled in a few boxes with information from the monitors behind him.

"Now a little birdy told me that you were communicating yesterday, having a good old nod to Dr Xand, Josh nod your head if you can hear me." The nurse instructed and Josh took a long moment to process what was said, then nodded. "Alright good job honey," she smiled then finished filling in the form and hung it back in its slot.

"Are you in any pain Josh?" Rebecca asked and again Josh took a few seconds before nodding, and Tyler's heart sunk. "Okay I'll get you some more medicine handsome, but do you think you can help me to understand what's hurting?" She said and he blanked her but she continued anyway, pointing to where she was describing. "Is it something that's under the blanket?" This time Josh shook his head no. "So is it your chest and your lungs?" Again a no. "Alright, is it your head?" Finally Josh nodded.

"Good team work," Rebecca smiled as she went over to a trolley and began preparing a syringe of a painkiller. "Although you did all the hard work, I just did the guessing, so great job Josh."

Tyler watched as the nurse went back to Josh's bedside with the large syringe, then saw that both his arms were bandaged up entirely.  
"Have you not got an IV line at the moment darling?"  
"He pulled it out and brought his skin with it so we're just using his Hickman line now instead." Laura told the nurse.  
"Troublemaker aren't you?" Rebecca laughed and moved his hospital gown down over his shoulder so that she could get access to the permanent line that ran straight to his heart. She pushed the liquid through then closed up and repositioned the gown, then put the syringe down and sat on the side of his bed.

"Alfie and Jade are on Starlight at the moment and they both say hello and send all their love. They're hoping that Dr Xand might let me break you out of ICU and take you upstairs, would you like that? Move up to Starlight?" She asked with a smile, but Josh didn't seem to understand, or at least he didn't reply. "Starlight is another ward on the hospital, do you want to go there?" The nurse said more clearly and Josh took a while before shaking his head. "No? No Starlight?"  
"Josh baby, we're not going home, we're going to stay in hospital." Laura told her son who was obviously upset by the news, tears welling. "Would you like to stay here in this room? Or do you want to go with Rebecca, Tyler and I will come too, up to Starlight with your friends and all the paintings on the walls and the nurses you like?"

Before Josh had time to process what was said, his eyes rolled back into his head and an alarm started going off as his heart raced and he started having a seizure. Rebecca laid the bed down flat and silenced the alarm as he jerked, and Laura stood up to be at his bedside.

"Tyler darling, your 10 minutes were almost up anyway, why don't you take a walk and come back in 10?" Laura suggested.  
"Okay," he nodded and immediately rushed out of the room and pulled his tangle out of his pocket.

His mom had to go and speak to Principal Lewis about Ryan and about Tyler's lack of school attendance but he had been doing well so Laura agreed to take over managing his 10:10 system. Although to begin with she had stayed with him as he paced, after a couple of rotations they both decided that he could pace it out himself and she would notice if he did need her support.

Although he was a little spooked by the blaring alarm, Tyler reminded himself that his mom and Laura had trusted him to stay calm and he had to stick to it. So, with tangle firmly wound around his fingers, he headed down the ICU corridor and towards the hospital cafe.

Tyler was very familiar with the layout of the whole hospital due to the amount of times he had been with Josh, but also for himself and various self inflicted injuries. In spite of that, he still made sure to check the map at the top of the stairs. That niggling anxiety in the back of his mind was working its magic and he took a shaky breath and made his way down the flight and left to the cafe.

He pulled the glass door open and made his way over to the serving counter, double, no, triple checking that the money was still in his pocket. The woman waiting to serve smiled at him but he still felt nervous as he began to talk.

"Hi,"  
"Hey, what can I get you?"  
"A um, an English breakfast tea please and uh, um, um,"  
"Stuck?" She asked and he nodded with a shy laugh. "Do you want something to eat?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Do you like bagels? We've got good bagels. It's breakfast and there's basically nobody here so you won't have to wait long." The older woman suggested but Tyler was frozen. "Or we've got sandwiches or omelettes or muffins, or what do you like sweetiepie?I'll tell you if we've got it."  
"Uh, yeah, yeah a bagel please." He nodded.  
"What do you want on it sweetiepie? Eggs cheese and bacon sound good?"  
"Can I get no, um, no bacon?"  
"Absolutely, coming right up." The woman smiled as she wrote it down.

"That'll be $5.50 please," she smiled again and Tyler passed across the $10 note and waited for change.  
"Sorry, about um, about taking a while."  
"That's okay sweetiepie, it's a hospital, I've met every possible character you could ever imagine." She reassured him as she passed across the money. "Why don't you go and sit down somewhere and I'll bring it right over."  
"Thank you," he said quietly, then turned towards the various tables in the room. Only 4 or 5 were being used, but as he wandered down to an empty one he recognised a man sat alone with a cup of coffee.

"Patrick?"  
"Ty? Oh hey man, sit down." He smiled tiredly, moving his bag off a seat so that Tyler could have it. Perhaps a little anxiously, he settled onto the wooden chair. Last time they had seen each other had been when Pete was taunting him, ill but nevertheless taunting him, and Tyler had snapped which had resulted in Pete reopening a self harm wound. But there didn't seem to be any anger as Patrick put down his coffee and made kind eye contact.

"How come you're here? Is everything okay?" Tyler asked.  
"There was a slight incident in the early hours of this morning and Pete needed some stitches. He's had them but they won't let us leave until he speaks to a psychiatrist, so we have to wait until they decide to grace us with their presence. So yeah, I've had no sleep, Pete's having some now but I'm opting for the coffee route." Patrick explained with a sigh, taking another sip.   
"Oh, I'm uh, I'm really sorry to hear that."  
"Thank you, but don't be."  
"And Patrick, about Halloween, I'm so so sorry-"  
"Honestly Ty, it's fine, I should be the one apologising. I talked about it with Pete and he was out of line. Yes, it was a function of his illness, but regardless he shouldn't have said what he did and I'm sorry on his behalf."  
"S'fine."  
"Shall we both just move on?" Patrick suggested and Tyler nodded.

"How about you? Here with Josh?"  
"Yeh," he nodded shakily.  
"How's he holding up? Just dealing with it with a smile?"  
"No, no not at all actually. Pat he doesn't know who I am."   
"Course he does, you're his best friend Tyler, blood transfusions always make him a bit fuzzy. Once it's finished and he goes home then he'll be back to calling you an idiot," Patrick smiled supportively and Tyler burst into tears.

"Tyler Tyler I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, I'm sorry," he immediately apologised, placing his hand supportively on Tyler's forearm as he sobbed.  
"He-he's n-ot going home, a-and he's not g-gonna remember me,"  
"Tyler calm down, come on, do you need a hug?" Patrick offered and honestly Tyler couldn't think of anything better. The pair stood up and Patrick wrapped his arms around Tyler, engulfing him as if he was a small child. Everyone he hugged, his mom, Jenna, Laura, Ashley, Abi, they were all petite women that were smaller than him and he wrapped his arms around them, so having Patrick actually support him was a welcomed feeling. For once Tyler didn't care about the weird looks they were probably getting as he sobbed against his friend's sweater in the middle of the cafe for a good minute.

"Sweetiepie?" He heard the waitress say, and felt Patrick turn to look at her, so Tyler reluctantly pulled his face from the sweater.  
"Sorry," Tyler whispered, wiping his face with his sleeves.  
"Darling remember what I said, this place is a hospital, nobody even blinked twice. What I came over here to say is that your breakfast is ready, do you want me to keep it in the warming oven until you've finished or are you okay with it now?"  
"Uh, now, please,"  
"Of course sweetiepie," she smiled and walked off, and Tyler sat down again and wiped away more escaping tears.

"Can you tell me what happened? Or would you rather discuss the Kardashians?"   
"Josh, he um, he had this long seizure, like 3/4 of an hour, and, and, and he came to hospital and they took him for a scan," Tyler said, taking a moment to bite his lip in a useless attempt to hold back more tears. "He had one, a brain scan, 2 months ago and his tumour had grown but it was the only one. This time, they, they found 9 Pat,"  
"9 tumours? Jesus Tyler, I'm so sorry,"  
"They're so fast and, and, and he can't talk or remember me or stay conscious for more than a few minutes and I'm scared."  
"Tyler breathe," Patrick instructed and Tyler took his tangle out of his pocket and began stimming with it.

"It's understandable that you're scared, I'm scared, cancer is fucking scary. We knew this was going to happen eventually but that doesn't mean we can ever fully prepare for it. We can't force ourselves to be okay, but we can at least do Josh the honour of remembering him how he was and looking after him how he is."  
"Yeah," Tyler squeaked between gasps that he couldn't seem to take control of.

"There we are sweetiepie, bagel and tea, plus a cookie each for you and your friend on the house. Some people say 9am is too early for cookies, I say that's nonsense." The waitress smiled as she placed down the order off the tray and put it in front of Tyler, then handed him a knife and fork and went back to the kitchen.

"Tyler, I'd um, I'd get your breathing under control before you eat that, last thing we need is you choking." Patrick suggested and Tyler nodded, putting his tangle down on the table and crossing his hands on top of his head like they had taught him in hospital. He didn't believe in any of that happy place crap, but simple logistical numbers usually did the trick. Breathe in for 5, hold for 5, breathe out for 5, repeat. Except shit, it wasn't working, it wasn't slowing down, he wasn't getting enough oxygen, it wasn't helping, it wasn't working-

"Tyler, how many seconds are you trying to do?"  
"5," he panted.  
"To me it sounds like less than 1, should I count for you?" Patrick offered and Tyler nodded. "In 1 2 3 4 5, hold 1 2 3 4 5, out 1 2 3 4 5. That's better already Ty. In 1 2 3 4 5, hold 1 2 3 4 5, out 1 2 3 4 5. Okay?"  
"Okay." He nodded, managing to finally take back control and peel his hands from his head.

"When was the last time you ate?"  
"2, uh, 2, 3 days," Tyler admitted.  
"Okay well we're not leaving till you have all of that." Patrick informed him but Tyler already felt overwhelmed by the mound of food in front of him, but he begrudgingly began eating as he suddenly realised that his stomach was aching.

"Mikey told me he saw you at Young Minds on Saturday when I took Pete on Sunday," Patrick said as he sipped his coffee.  
"You mean he said that guy who killed my brother was here."  
"You didn't kill Gee,"  
"I didn't save him,"  
"You didn't save Kennedy, doesn't mean you killed him."  
"Kennedy wasn't my roommate, he didn't tell me where he hid blades, Gee did. He told me where you could hide blades and how you could smuggle in drugs and how you could pretend to eat but actually hide your food and how to steal the key for the medication room so you could take an overdose,"  
"And that's not a good friend to have, especially when you're ill."  
"Are you gonna talk smack about Josh when he's dead too?" Tyler snapped, instantly regretting it. "Sorry,"  
"It's okay man, honestly. I loved Gee and I love Josh, and I miss them both." Patrick said as Tyler took a shaky mouthful.

"No what I was gonna say is that I'm really proud of you for going back and getting some support. We've all been really worried, and we still are, but it's a slight relief knowing that you're letting YM help you out a bit."  
"Thanks,"  
"Are you going tonight? To the depression group?"  
"I'm uh, I'm supposed to, but I think I'm gonna be here with Josh."  
"Is it really that bad?" Patrick asked, looking a little scared himself.  
"Yeh," Tyler nodded, tears forming again. "A few days at most."  
"Few more days then all his pain will end yeah? He's gonna feel so much better Tyler I promise."  
"I know," he whispered, wiping a tear.

"This is probably the last thing on your mind, but have you told Debby?"  
"No,"   
"Do you think you can drop her a quick text? Or I can put something on the group chat?"  
"My, uh, I haven't been charging my phone, I think it's dead, sorry."  
"S'okay Ty, I'll do it."  
"Don't make her come, she doesn't like seeing him sick."  
"I won't make anyone do anything, but can they visit to say goodbye if they'd like?"  
"Yeh," he nodded tearfully.   
"Where is he? Starlight?" Patrick asked as he began typing the message.  
"ICU,"  
"Bless him," he sighed as he finished the message and sent it. "I'll need to prioritise Pete because he's really not well, but I'll pop in when I can."  
"Soon if you want to see him alive."

 

  
After Patrick went back to Pete and Tyler finished his breakfast, he decided to take a moment outside to clear his head. He wanted to be with Josh but knew he probably couldn't handle watching him have another seizure. Tyler had been watching the seizures for the 10 months since the brain tumour had formed and seen their length and intensity get worse as it grew. But there wasn't one any more, there was 9. 9 tumours inside one skull - a skull that also had a tumour within its bone. They were everywhere and constantly growing and Tyler knew that Josh couldn't take it anymore, he couldn't.

When Tyler asked Josh lightheartedly not to die on his birthday, he didn't mean die before it.

The grass outside the hospital was still wet with dew and he felt it seeping through his sneakers as he paced along the patch back and forth. His tangle stim toy was in his jacket pocket and he twisted it with one hand discretely, needing to stim but feeling self conscious about the people around him seeing.

There were people everywhere, most going in and out of the busy entrance that Tyler tried to stay clear of. A constant flow of people was something that he knew was over stimulating and could push him into sensory overload when he was on edge, so better safe than sorry. Better to stay safe than have to say sorry to Josh for attacking him.

He paced and stimmed, paced and stimmed, paced and stimmed, but he felt no better. He remembered what his mom had said, it was okay for him not to feel okay at the moment. It was okay not to be okay, but he had to stay safe. So even through the technique wasn't making him better, at least he wasn't getting worse and that was most likely the best he could ask for over the next couple of weeks.

A man, maybe 40 years old, stood on the grass where he was pacing and reached into his pocket. Having paranoid schizophrenia meant Tyler was always watching, always expecting the worse, always having to tell himself that a gun was not about to be pulled on him. So he watched, and what did come out felt no better than a gun. Cigarettes.

Tyler didn't confront strangers, he just didn't, but if he did then he would scream in that man's face that he was an idiot and god damn why didn't he have any respect for his health and his lungs and his cancer free body?! Didn't he understand how valuable and precious it was?! Didn't he know how badly Josh deserved a cancer free body and how hard he had fought only to ultimately lose, and yet that man was choosing to ruin his for the sake of what? Habit?!

Anger bubbling within him was a bad thing, Tyler knew it was bad. Anger was a gateway emotion for **him**. So he did the thing that his mother would commend him for, and he walked away. Ran away.

 

  
Tyler walked the corridors of the hospital for a while, partly to calm down and party because whenever something loud made him jump he had to turn 180 and start calming down all over again. Getting caught between the Emergency Room corridors meant a very panicked 20 minutes of walking the same couple of metres over and over on the verge of tears until eventually a nurse opened a door to a side corridor and he sprinted down it. Finally he made it back to the ICU almost an hour after he left.

"Tyler, there you are darling. Are you okay?" Laura asked softly as he walked back into Josh's room.  
"Yeh," he nodded quietly.  
"Sure?"  
"Yeh, um, Patrick was uh, he's here with Pete, and we met in the cafe and uh, had some breakfast together,"   
"Oh that's great sweetie, well done." She smiled warmly from the chair, but Tyler could see the pure exhaustion on her tired face. He flashed her a fake smile, then walked over to the bed where Josh was asleep - asleep or passed out.

Tyler wished he could say that Josh looked peaceful as he stood next to him, knuckles white as he clung onto the rails. However that would be a lie, he looked anything but peaceful. He'd lost a lot of weight to the cancer, but an unbelievable amount in the past week. Tyler was shocked at the sharp edges of his bones protruding through his stretched - almost clear - purple skin. Bruises coated his body and the sockets of his sunken eyes were deeper and darker than he could imagine possible.

The skin underneath the oxygen cannula on his cheeks had worn away and raw painful marks ran like a shadow under the tubing, making Tyler wince at the thought.

He couldn't resist letting his eyes scan down Josh's body despite knowing it would upset him. Bandages snaked around both his arms, still painfully thin to look at. What wasn't already covered due to the shattered wrist and the IV incident had since been wrapped up to protect them too. The simplest thing like the friction between his arms and the bedsheets during seizures was enough to scrape off his skin, and the contact of another human bruised him like a peach.

As Tyler glanced down at Josh's legs, suddenly he panicked at the subtle change in colour of the blanket. He reached and cautiously touched it with his fingertips and it confirmed his fears, and those fears were instantly replaced with searing rage. Tyler had to resist screaming as he angrily slammed his hand into the red button on the wall that alerted nurses to come immediately.

"Tyler what's wrong?" Laura panicked, standing up from her seat hurriedly.  
"He's wet! HE'S FUCKING WET!" Tyler yelled outraged, feeling himself start to shake.  
"Oh, oh that's okay, we can um, we can clean him up,"

"What's going on?" A nurse asked hurriedly as her and two others sprinted in.  
"WHY THE FUCK IS HE WET?!"  
"Is that the only issue?"  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN ONLY?!?!" Tyler screamed as the other two nurses checked on Josh. "HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?!"  
"There might be a problem with his catheter, but please, it's not an emergency or dangerous. I can call the catheter nurse to reattach it, really there's no need to panic." She tried to calm him down feebly.

"DIGNITY!" Tyler screeched in her face, tears beginning to tumble down his cheeks. "HE IS DYING AND HE'S LAYING IN PEE! ARE YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING KIDDING ME?!"  
"Okay Tyler you're scaring him, take 10," Laura instructed but he ignored her.   
"DO YOU HAVE ANY RESPECT?!" He spat in the nurse's face.  
"Tyler if you respect my son then you will leave right now." Laura said firmly, then both her and the nurse placed a hand on his shoulder and forcefully guided him out of the room and suddenly he was in the corridor and the door was bouncing shut behind him and the whole god damn world was spinning.

Breath shaking and mind racing, Tyler had to get away. No no no he couldn't get sick no no no, shit no no no no. This couldn't be happening, no no no no no no.

Water, yes, his mom always got him a glass of water. He needed water. Where was water? Tyler, think, you need water, go get some water, water would fix this, water. The bathroom had water, he needed to get some water from the bathroom.

His vision was blurred and his strides uneven as he sprinted to the toilets at the end of the corridor. Someone was walking towards him - **him**? no not **him** \- so Tyler weaved and narrowly avoided a collision as he desperately hurried to the water.

The door burst open - did Tyler do that? - of course Tyler did that, yes, his hands did that, he made them to that, he wanted them to do that because now he was in the bathroom. Why? Oh, water, yes, he needed water.

There were sinks, yes sinks had water, he closed a plug and turned on both taps - why were his hands shaking so much? - and the water ran ran ran and the water rose rose rose. Water, yes water was good.

The sink was full, Tyler knew he was supposed to do something - what was he supposed to do? - oh he had to turn the taps off. His hands were shaking. He had to turn the taps off but his hands were shaking. Twist twist twist, the taps were off but his hands were shaking.

Tyler looked down at the basin of water, he couldn't see himself - why couldn't he see himself? - but then he realised he was crying and he needed to calm down and he needed to stop crying and he needed to calm down and he needed water. Water.

He thrust his head under the water, eyes burning as he forced them open. Don't take deep breaths Tyler. Don't take deep breaths Tyler. Usually you would take deep breaths but you're underwater so don't take deep breaths. Focus. Water is good. You're good. Okay.

A gasp escaped his mouth when his lungs couldn't take it anymore and had to pull his head from the water, flicking droplets over his shoulder and panting as he stood up right. As he glared at himself in the mirror, he saw there was someone stood in the stall behind him. Someone with a black neck, black hands and red eyes.

**"Hello Tyler,"**


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swap to Debby's POV for this chapter, plus there's a self harm trigger warning <3 stay safe x

_Group Chat: Kelly, Debby, Brendon, Patrick, Jenna_  
_Kelly started new group chat_

_Kelly: Has anyone heard from Tyler? Hasn't been seen since 10am yesterday. No phone, only $5. Very worried. Please let me know._  
_Debby: What happened?? Is everyone okay?_  
_Patrick: I saw him at the hospital, we had breakfast from 9 till about 9.40 ish. He was upset and little jumpy but overall coping, and he said he was going to go for a little walk to fully calm down. Haven't heard from him since. If there's anything I can do then let me know_  
_Kelly: Thank you Patrick. Debby he was at the hospital with Josh yesterday morning and doing well, so he stayed with Laura whilst I went to speak to Principal Lewis. Came back at 11 and she was in floods of tears. There was small problem with Josh's catheter and Tyler blew up at a nurse in front of Josh, scaring him, so she sent him out to calm down. Half an hour later she tried to find him and there's no sign, really appreciate any other information because I need to get him home safe. Will call the police if he's not home by this evening._

_Debby: Sorry sorry I know it's a bad time and I promise I'll help to find Ty, but is J okay? x_  
_Kelly: Struggling but still with us_  
_Debby: Thank you_

_Brendon: Don't worry Kel we'll get him, he's fine I promise. Where have you looked?_  
_Kelly: Zack Chris and me have been looking, we've searched the hospital and the forest and the church and driven around town but nothing._

_Brendon: What bolt holes do we know? People?_  
_Patrick: The big tree in the forest_  
_Kelly: That was my first thought, we've checked there a dozen times and I will check again but he wasn't there overnight_  
_Patrick: The train station_  
_Debby: The greenhouse at the allotments near Bren's house_  
_Debby: I found him playing the public piano in the mall once_  
_Brendon: School gym_  
_Patrick: The bench on the top of the hill near your's Debby_  
_Patrick: He visits Gee's grave sometimes_  
_Brendon: Sounds obvious but the treehouse in your back garden Kelly?_

_Jenna: Sorry, I was in the shower. I'm so sorry this has happened Kelly and we all want to find him just as much as you do. Also I got a handwritten paper note from him through my door yesterday, I was out so it was sometime during the school day but can't know exactly._  
_Kelly: Oh thank God, saying?_  
_Jenna: Give me one second to find it._

_Kelly: And to Debby Brendon and Patrick, all valid suggestions, thank you. If you are available then maybe we could split up and look for him there?_  
_Brendon: Absolutely_  
_Debby: Of course_  
_Patrick: I'm at the hospital still with Pete, they decided he was safer here till we can get a bed at a psych hospital, if you need me then I'll find a way but it's a struggle_  
_Kelly: Stay with him, keep him safe and calm._  
_Patrick: Thank you_

_Jenna: Here's what it says - > Jenna, the exception to my armoured heart. I need you to know that you can be depressed and still have joy. You can be suicidal and still have joy. We all stop thinking and we all stop talking and we all stop sharing and we all stop creating, because by doing any of these things we quickly find out just how unhappy we are. But that’s okay. That’s normal. Don’t let the fear of unhappiness cripple your pursuit of finding what it is you believe. I've found something I can believe in, something I can trust in, someone I have faith will lead me to my destined path... All my love, your **BF** Tyler x_  
_Brendon: **BF** Tyler, that means **Blurryfaced** Tyler right? **Blurryface** is back?_  
_Jenna: I thought he meant boyfriend, but maybe it is **Blurryface**_  
_Debby: **Blurryface** could be the someone he has faith in_

_Jenna: I hope he's okay, I'm really worried now. I'm so sorry Kelly, I should have told you as soon as I got it. I thought he was being cute, I didn't realise he was sick again._  
_Kelly: Jen let's not dwell on the past, let's just come up with a plan_  
_Brendon: I'll check the school gym and the allotment, plus look around town_  
_Jenna: Debby can we team up? I'm crying already_  
_Debby: Of course babe, we'll do the bench and the piano and the train station_  
_Kelly: Thank you guys, I'll get Chris to stay at home and check the treehouse so if you find Ty then call me and take him home. Then Zack and I will search the forest and the graveyard. Please keep me updated._

  
~

 

"Jenna you're doing it to yourself again, I can hear you hyperventilating," Debby warned her best friend as they drove away from the bench they found empty and towards the mall with the piano.  
"I'm just such an idiot," she broke down again.  
"Come on come on, we talked about this babe, it's not your fault,"  
"We can't lose them both in one week," she sobbed.  
"And we won't. He'll be around somewhere, having fun with **Blurry** , probably not even realising what a troublemaker he's being. I promise he's going to be fine." Debby comforted her, trying not to think about the absolute definite fact that her boyfriend was going to die. She knew it as fact and that was horrific, so she hated to imagine what Jenna must be feeling, knowing Tyler's history and the fact he'd been missing for 26 hours.

"I thought **BF** meant boyfriend, I, I could have fixed this all yesterday but I'm such an idiot. He was at my house yesterday and I wasn't there! I should have been there and then everything would be fine."  
"Jen, they were already looking for him yesterday, it wouldn't have made a difference. I think actually it gave Kelly some hope finding out that he was well enough to write a letter."  
"I should have known this was going to happen," she cried as Debby turned the corner. "Patrick said Josh was bad, Tyler hadn't called me in like 3 days, he hasn't been to school, not even to Mrs Knight's class, I saw Zack and he had bruises again. All the warning signs were there, I should have known."  
"Don't play this game with yourself, it's not fair and it doesn't change anything. It's schizophrenia, it's unpredictable, and even if you had known that wouldn't have fixed it. He's sick and he needs to go into hospital, it's not up to us to treat him."

"I'm his girlfriend, I should be making him better,"  
"You can't love an illness away Jen,"  
"I should have looked after him better."  
"Jenna, it's not our fault when our boyfriend's are sick okay? What's happening to Josh isn't my fault and what's happening to Tyler isn't your fault. We can love them and support them, but it's not down to us to save them-"  
"Stop the car!" She suddenly cried out.  
"What?? Did you see him?" Debby asked as she hurriedly pulled over, but Jenna blanked her as she fumbled for her buckle and sprinted out of the vehicle. Debby undid her own belt and followed after the girl, both panicked and relieved that she had seen something.

"Jenna, Jenna what is it?" She called after her as she ran down the sidewalk then abruptly stopped and crouched down. The crying girl stood up and turned to face Debby with a few connected pieces of brightly coloured tubing forming a loop in her hand, tears rolling down her face.

"This is his, I gave this to him," Jenna sobbed.  
"What is it?"  
"He, he uh, he uses it to calm down,"  
"Okay, well when we see him, which is gonna be really soon, you can give it back to him and tell him to stop being so forgetful and he'll say thank you and give you a kiss I promise."

"You don't u-understand," she broke down.  
"Then help me to." Debby replied, trying to stay strong for her friend.  
"Even when **Blurryface** is there, he always uses it. He can be completely submersed in his psychosis but the one thing he always always does is fiddle with it. **Blurryface** could be controlling him in every other aspect, but Tyler would still manage to fiddle. It was the only thing that Ty could do sometimes, but he always did it Deb. Every single episode, every single visit to the hospital, every single time, he always had the fiddle. A-and now he doesn't."  
"It probably just fell out of his pocket, don't over think it."  
"No, no Ty would have had it in his hand and if he dropped it then he would have gone back and picked it up. No matter what **Blurry** did, Tyler would have gone back."  
"So what are you saying?"  
"It's bad, it's really bad," Jenna cried, biting her lip hard. " **Blurryface** is stronger, or, or Ty's not fighting, I don't know but something's changed Deb, it's not right, it's really not right. I'm so scared."  
"Come here," she sighed, pulling the hysterical girl into a tight and supportive hug.

"We'll find him, we'll find him I promise. He's going to be scared and jumpy but he's going to be alive, okay? We'll get him Jen, not much longer now I promise." Debby whispered into her blonde hair, squeezing her. "He made Josh a promise and he's going to stick to it, **Blurryface** might make him fight, make it a struggle, but Tyler promised to stay alive and you and I both know that he'd never break a promise to Josh."

"We uh, we need to tell Kelly," Jenna sniffed a minute later, pulling out of the hug and wiping her face.  
"I'll put it in the groupchat, what do you call the calming thing?" Debby asked as she fished out her phone and began typing.  
"Stimming toy,"  
"Okay, and we're on the corner of Elmdene Road," she thought aloud as she typed.

"Wait where are we?"  
"Elmdene Road is that one, this one's Blackbades Boulevard." Debby pointed. "Why? Does that mean something?"  
"Elmdene, it's an alternative to Main Street right?"  
"Right, so?"  
"So if you were scared, really scared, of busy roads and lots of cars and people then you would take Elmdene rather than Main Street if you wanted to get out of town."  
"I guess, what are you getting at Jen?"  
"So Tyler was at the hospital in town but he needed to get out, get away. He ran out of the hospital and tried to go up towards Third Street to go to the forest but got spooked by the Main Street traffic, so ran away from it. He ended up coming down Elmdene, we know he was here, then carried on running away from the big roads, staying clear of Main Street and Blackbades and Third Street and the highways. So he got boxed in between them,"  
"And Dovehouse Estate is in the middle of all the busy roads." Debby caught on. "He couldn't leave the estate so couldn't go home or to the forest or any of the other bolt holes where the others have looked, so he's still in the estate."  
"The Duns live in Dovehouse," Jenna realised as both their minds raced.  
"You don't think?"  
"He's at Josh's." She nodded. "There's nobody there, it's empty, they're all at the hospital. He's there Deb, he's gotta be."

 

"He um, he always used to hide his house key back here," Debby told Jenna shakily as they walked up the path to her boyfriend's house and she then went over to a flower trough. Usually the silver key was pressed against the wood under a thin layer of soil, but this time it wasn't and Debby began to panic. She ran her fingers through the dirt and tried to find it, but it definitely wasn't there which meant they couldn't get in which meant they couldn't get to Tyler which meant, well, trouble.

"Debby, it's open," Jenna called out terrified, and the redhead jogged over to be with her at the door.  
"That's good, it's good, we found him Jen, it's okay,"  
"W-what if he's?"  
"He's not." Debby said definitively, not needing to hear the word dead to know that was what she meant.

"He'll be okay, but let's not make any loud noises, just take things calmly, in a minute or two he'll be in your arms I promise."  
"Calm," Jenna repeated, then exhaled air through pursed lips. She placed her hands on the white panels of the front door as she must have done a moment earlier, and it gave way. Careful that it didn't slam she caught it before it made contact with the internal wall and held it open for Debby so she could step in, then closed it again.

"Tyler darling? Are you here? It's Jenna, Jenna and Debby." She called out as they walked cautiously down the hall. Debby's heart was pounding through her chest and she couldn't decide whether it was apprehension about how they would find the hallucinating teen or if being in Josh's house was too much. If Jenna had been in a better place of mind then she would have known that Debby didn't come here, that she didn't even drive past here because it was too much for her. She loved Josh more than anything and being so close to a place where he had suffered so much was so difficult. But this wasn't about her, or even about him. This was about Tyler.

"Tyler? We're here to help sweetie." Debby helped, holding Jenna's hand and walking through the house slowly, scanning each room as they went.

The place was a mess, but Debby couldn't decide whether it was a Josh-is-having-a-45-minute-seizure-somebody-call-an-ambulance-everyone-grab-your-things-we've-got-to-go sort of mess, or a teenage-schizophrenic-boy-broke-in-and-had-a-breakdown-and-trashed-the-place sort of mess.

"Ty baby? It's okay, Jenna's here, where are you darling?" Jenna called out softly as they made their way further into the house.  
"Tyler, we're going into Josh's downstairs room." Debby announced as she pushed the door open, suspecting Tyler would be in there. Her theory was confirmed as they saw the huddled silhouette of a figure under a blanket in the corner of the room.

"Oh baby," Jenna sobbed, "Oh Ty it's okay, I'm here, it's okay," she cried, peeling the blanket off him then gasping. Debby, panicked, went over and stood next to the couple on the floor and saw that Tyler's shirt was stained red, his skin crusted with dried blood and his face paler than Debby thought possible. He looked terrified.

"Okay Tyler, we're going to help you, can you tell me what happened?" Debby asked calmly as Jenna broke down. "Tyler you're safe,"  
"Get out," he whispered wide eyed.  
"We're gonna help sweetie, will you tell me where this blood came from?"  
"S'not safe,"  
"It is safe Tyler."  
" **He** , **he** , **he's** gone, but **he** said **he's** coming back, **he's** gone to get something but **he's** coming back, get out, **he's** coming back and you can't be here, **he's** coming back."  
" **Blurryface**? Is **he** not here?"  
" **He's** gone to get something but **he's** coming back," Tyler murmured petrified, visibly shaking.

"Tyler why don't we leave then? We can go somewhere else, go and see Mom, then **Blurryface** won't know where you are and **he** won't hurt you." Debby suggested slowly.  
" **He'll** find me, **he** always finds me,"  
"We'll protect you. Will you let us help you?"  
"No no no no you can't protect me, nobody can,"

"Tyler sweetheart, listen to me, do you like Josh?" Jenna asked, obviously forming a plan in her head.  
"Oh no oh no oh no **he** killed Josh,"  
" **He** didn't Tyler, Josh is in the hospital. Do you want to feel close to Josh?"  
"Yes," he nodded shakily.  
"I think that if you go and sit on Josh's bed then you'll feel really connected to him. Would that be nice? Should we do that?"  
"Josh helps,"  
"Yes, Josh does help." She agreed tearfully. "I think it would help if you sat on Josh's bed."  
"It's not safe,"  
"Is the floor safe Tyler? Sitting here like this?"  
"No, no, no but I have Josh's blanket, I can, I can hide if **he** comes,"  
"You can take the blanket and hide on the bed if **he** comes, but remember what you said? Josh helps. Josh can help if you sit on his bed. It will make you safer."  
"Okay," Tyler nodded terrified, then attempted to begin standing up quicker than Jenna could offer out a hand but suddenly he cried out in pain and fell back down.

"Oh Tyler, come on, let me help," Jenna instructed softly, wrapping an arm around his bloody shirt and slowly aiding him to stand. "Shh shh, it's okay, you're okay," she hushed him as he whimpered and cautiously hobbled over to Josh's hospital bed in the middle of the room.  
"There we go, is that better?" Debby forced a smile as he sat on the mattress, still looking terrified.

"Tyler baby, look at me, look at my eyes, what colour are they?" Jenna asked, taking hold of both his blood-crusted hands.  
"Blue,"  
"Blue, that's right baby, keep looking at them. Tyler, can you tell me what's bleeding? Did you cut your stomach?"  
" **He** , **he** made me,"  
"I know **he** did baby, **he's** horrible, but will you let me look? Let me make it better?"  
" **He** made me, I had to," Tyler whispered.  
"I know, Tyler can I see?"  
"It hurts Jenna," he began to cry and Debby's heart broke. His girlfriend bit her lip then moved a hand onto the back of his neck and caressed it with her thumb soothingly.

"I'm going to take your top off, okay? We'll make it better," she whispered and he didn't protest, so she took it as permission. Debby took a step forward to help as Tyler was neither helpful or objecting, simply frozen. Jenna began to roll his shirt up, having to pull it off the long cuts it had began to heal to, causing them to ooze and Tyler to whimper.

"Debby, can you see if there's anything we can use in any of those drawers?" Jenna asked tearfully and Debby nodded, walking over to the wall of storage compartments.

When Josh first needed to move from his upstairs room into the old office downstairs because of his knee, Debby had taken the time and care to help him organise and had known what every box contained. However since that magic word, 'terminal', Debby had to take a step back in a selfish attempt to protect herself. But that backfired as she pulled out wrong drawer and wrong drawer after wrong drawer. Finally she found a box with gauzes and bandages in.

"Here we go, this is going to help sweetheart," Debby smiled at the crying Tyler, putting down the rolls of white next to him on the bed. She looked over at Jenna and instantly knew that she was in no state to be treating her boyfriend's self harm wounds as tears streamed down her face to the anthem of sobs.

"Jenna, tell Kelly?" She whispered and Jenna nodded and pulled out her phone. "Tyler darling, can you lie down for me?"  
"No,"  
"Why not sweetheart?"  
"I can't uh, I can't run as fast, when **he** comes back, I can't run,"  
"Tyler I'm going to make your chest better, then you'll be able to run even faster if **he** comes back, okay? But you need to let me put some dressings on, will you let me do that?"  
"Be quick."  
"I'll be as quick as I can," Debby reassured him as he laid down on the bed and she could finally inspect the true horrific level of the injuries to his abdomen.

The group had nicknamed Debby the mom because she was always looking after them and making sure they were all fed and warm enough and drinking lots of water. Another thing that came with her maternal role was patching up scrapes, initially Josh's skateboard mishaps and then later Pete and Tyler's wounds. She'd even taken the time to complete a first aid course to make sure she was doing the right thing, but even she was scared by the deep cuts littering his red stained skin.

She didn't have time to stop and count but she suspected 20 cuts at least, each gaping, each seeping, each dangerous. Then a big one, maybe double the length at 4 inches, pulsing and pulsing and pulsing. Debby snapped back into action mode and picked up the first piece of gauze and held it against the largest cut, pushing to stop the bleeding as best as she could.

"Jenna, Jenna she's hurting me," Tyler cried and his girlfriend completed her message then went over to him and held his hand tight as Debby continued to work.  
"You're so brave Ty, so brave. Well done baby," she smiled tearfully, placing a kiss on his forehead. "I found your tangle earlier sweetheart, do you want to stim? Would that help?"  
"Josh helps,"  
"Yeah I know darling, but he's poorly in hospital so he can't help. Debby's helping instead,"  
"Only Josh helps,"

"Tyler do you want me to tell you a story whilst Debby looks after what **Blurry** did?"  
" **He** made me do it, I had to do it,"  
"I know handsome. Do you remember when you came to dinner at my house when were in like 8th grade and you casually mentioned that you played ukulele, so my dad instantly ran off and dug out his from when he was at uni. Rather than us going to my room like I wanted, you spent the next three hours discussing ukes with him and duetting and having a debate over whichever strumming technique is better-"  
"Sorry Jen, I just um, I think we need to take him to the hospital sooner rather than later. He's lost a lot of blood and they're not stopping." Debby interrupted once all the slightly less severe wounds were under gauzes in clusters but were soaking through them already, and the large cut was packed with three layers and yet still pulsing.

"Ok, Tyler I'm going to help you walk to the car," Jenna told him gently.  
"No,"  
"Please baby,"  
"I said no,"  
"It's safe I promise, **he** won't get you,"  
"No no no no, no don't make me go," he worked himself up, sitting up rapidly and making Debby wince as the red stain suddenly grew.  
"Sweetheart you need to, I'll come too okay? We'll all go together but you have to go."  
"No no no no, no no I have to stay here, Josh's room, I have to stay here,"  
"Josh is at the hospital. Should we go and see him?"  
"You're tricking me,"  
"I'm not. Would you like that? If we went to Josh's hospital?"  
"For Josh, not for me, for Josh."  
"The doctor will make your cuts better and then maybe we'll see Josh."  
"No! No not me. I only want Josh."  
"Okay, not you, just Josh," Jenna lied.

 

 

Whilst Jenna and Kelly sat, in tears, with Tyler as the doctor stitched him back up and he screamed and protested, Debby took a walk. The first stop was to the bathroom to wash away Tyler's blood from her hands like some crazed killer, then a trip to the store for a cold bottle of water to take with her up to the ward again.

She stood opposite the map at the top of the stairs. Left to Tyler. Right to Pete. Up to Josh. She stood frozen, unable to move or to make a decision or to comprehend what a mess her life was until finally she felt hands on her shoulders.

"You win the mannequin challenge," Brendon smiled as he stepped to stand next to her. "What great philosophical matter are you pondering?"  
"I just uh, just don't know where to go, who to visit."  
"Would sharing a joint out the front help?"  
"I'm a good girl,"  
"You've had a long day, sure I can't tempt you?"  
"Honestly Bren, I'll pass,"  
"One day Ryan, one day," he smiled jokingly.

"Come on, let's go see Pete," Brendon suggested softly.  
"Pete?"  
"Patrick would appreciate it I think. Unless you want me to go with you to ICU?"  
"I ought to,"  
"But you can't?" He assumed and she nodded with tears already forming. "Nobody's going to force you, but I'll push you gently if that's what you want and need."  
"Yeh, I uh, I need that, but Pete first,"  
"Sure?"  
"Sure." She nodded, then took his hand and headed right.

The corridors in hospitals were all the same, long and echoing and shiny and filled with such many more complex emotions than the plain white walls could ever possibly display. Debby focused on the black line running parallel to the wall on the floor as Brendon squeezed her hand then finally directed her into Pete's private room.

"Hey," Brendon began, and Patrick looked up the them and forced a smile whereas Pete barely glanced from the bed. He looked awful, for a mental illness it had a shocking number of physical symptoms. Bandages covered his arms and bruises scattered his forehead, dark shadows framing his face and eyes sunken under an exhausted furrowed brow. But Debby could make out the couple holding hands under the thin blanket and it reassured her ever so slightly.

"Hey," Patrick smiled as Debby sat in the other chair and Brendon stood with one hand on the side of Pete's bed and the other holding Debby's. "Take it you've found him then?"  
"Yeah, he was at Josh's," Debby whispered softly.  
"Jenna and Kelly are with him now, getting him seen to. Gonna need some stitches but he managed to just about get away without needing a transfusion. I think they're planning on taking him over to Young Minds after that." Brendon expanded.  
"Oh okay, well at least you got him and he can start getting better again now. Well done,"

"Seems like he's swooped in and stolen your bed Pete," Brendon told the sick man who simply looked over at Patrick to reply for him.  
"We're actually gonna go over to The Retreat rather than Young Minds, new place, fresh start,"  
"Oh right, well all the best,"  
"If Mother pays," Pete whispered.  
"She will, I spoke to her assistant last night and they're setting up a billing account as soon as they can. Won't be much longer Pete, promise."  
"Heard that before," he sighed.  
"Momma and Poppa Wentz being their usual delights then?" Brendon assumed.  
"Yep," Patrick nodded with a frustrated raise of the eyebrows.

"Is there anything I can do Pete?" Debby asked sincerely.  
"I don't think so, but tha-" Patrick began before getting interrupted by his boyfriend.  
"Look after Pat."  
"Pete I'm fine,"  
"Debby, look after him,"  
"I will darling, promise," she nodded at him with a forced smile. Hmm, she'd been forcing a lot of them recently.

 

 

Fear. It was an emotion that Debby didn't really understand and yet consistently felt when the subject of Josh was brought up. She wasn't scared of him, she loved him, she was just scared of life without him. They were seniors and everyone undervalued the depth of love seniors could feel for each other, but she truly believed that they would have gone on to have a family if it hadn't have been for the cancer.

Cancer. That was what she feared.

"Debby, I'm not rushing you, if you need longer then that's okay, but do you think we should go in?" Brendon prompted her, bringing her back to Earth.  
"O-Okay," she nodded and he grabbed her hand tight, then stepped forwards and opened the door they had been staring at for the past few minutes.

It was worse than she had imagined. She had spent the last however many days imagining his decline, every time she blinked she saw his body, but it was nothing compared to the broken scrap of her boyfriend laying in the bed in the dimly lit room.

"Debby? Bren? Hey sweethearts," Laura smiled but her face conflicted with the action, tired bags framing her tired eyes. She stood up from his bedside and hugged Brendon - well he hugged her - then pulled Debby into her arms. The two women held each other tightly and a tear escaped down Debby's cheek that she wiped once they each stepped back.

"Josh baby, Debby's here with Brendon," she told Josh, his eyes closed and completely ignoring her. That or he couldn't hear her, and Debby suspected the latter.  
"Is he, uh," Debby tried to ask but couldn't find the words.  
"He's asleep," she reassured her, but she wasn't sure how comforting that truly was.

"He sleeps a lot, most of the time, but uh, he had his eyes open for about 10 minutes around 4 this morning,"  
"4? Laura, you should have been sleeping. Do you want me to drive you home so you can get some rest?" Brendon offered.  
"Oh, thank you, but no I'm okay. There's a um, a family room here. The girls and Jordan are there now, we're going to stay with him, he likes us with him. Don't you sweetie?"  
"If he's sleeping, maybe you should too?"  
"No no, don't want him waking up scared, me not talking to him, he'll be frightened. He likes hearing my voice, and he's really happy to hear you and Debby too. Familiar's good, he likes familiar, he's happy."  
"Yeah he looks happy," Brendon lied and Debby just about managed a fake agreeing nod.

"Laura, I uh, I just thought you ought to know that Tyler stayed in your house last night. He's here now getting himself patched up, but he did make a bit of a mess as I understand. Don't worry, I'm going to swing by later and clean and tidy the place so that it's something you don't need to be thinking about, but I thought it best to let you know," Brendon went on to say.  
"Kelly messaged me about Ty, but uh, but thank you for doing that Brendon, you're a good kid," she replied quietly as Debby had to wipe away more tears as she looked at her boyfriend on the bed.  
"Least I can do."

"What happened with Tyler was exactly what I didn't want to happen." Laura said a minute later.  
"Laura Josh is your son, if you don't feel it safe to have Tyler around him when they're both in the states that they are then that's okay, everyone understands." Brendon told her but Debby spilled more and more tears. This was really happening and her boyfriend really was about to pass away and Tyler really wasn't there for him and this was all too real.

"P-please can I have a, a moment alone with him?" Debby asked shakily.  
"Um, uh, uh yeah okay, just talk to him, tell him you're here, tell him I'm coming back, he uh, he likes listening, yeh okay," Laura decided, clearly feeling uncomfortable about leaving her desperately ill child but knowing Debby needed it.  
"Come on Lau, he'll be fine for 2 minutes," Brendon supported her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and gently escorting her out so that it was just Debby and Josh in the dark room.

Josh was oblivious to the changes going on around him and Debby finally let out a sob that she had been swallowing down as she sat in Laura's seat next to his head. He was dying, Josh was dying and this could be their last moment together, his last breath, his last anything.

"Hey Pickle, it's me, it's Debby," she whispered tearfully, wanting to reach out and stroke him fondly but seeing the sheer volume of sores and bruises and knowing that he was too fragile to touch.

"I, I know that you're not okay, but I um, I hope you're not in any pain Josh. I've been, been praying for you baby. The whole church have been praying that this will be easy for you, and I know He's going to be looking out for you Pickle." She told him softly, ending the losing battle to wipe away her tears and letting them stream freely.

"Everybody's here, everyone's close by, we're all in the hospital and we're all going to be here for you baby I promise. We all love you so so much, and we're so so proud of you. You fought so hard, _so_ _hard_ , and I just have to trust that this is all part of the plan. If God wants you with Him so badly then I know He must have something really special planned J,"

"I love you Josh. I love you more than anything, and, and seeing you like this, it br-ea-ks my he-art." Debby stopped to take control of her cracking voice. "It breaks my heart because I'm losing you, but also because you've lost the ability to be you. You, you're not like this, you love the outside and skateboarding and soccer and drumming and this has taken all of that away from you. These past few years, I know they've been hard Josh, I know you miss school and sport and just messing about, but you never once complained. That's what I love about you J, you always see the good in everything, that's what I'm going to miss, a-and that's what I'm going to try to do from now on. I promise Josh,"

"I'll never forget you J," Debby said emotionally with a sob. She leant back in the chair for support and let them break the silence of the room, staring at his shallow breaths raising his chest. In the movies he would have opened his eyes, he would have looked at her, would have smiled, she would have cried for another reason. But it's not like the movies. Dying is not like the movies, he couldn't be fixed with love.

Debby was about to begin talking to him again when suddenly she jumped as she heard a kerfuffle from outside and then the door swung open and smashed into the wall and Tyler burst in. He was shaking and wearing nothing but basketball shorts, his stitched wounds covered by several massive white dressings.  
"Tyl-"  
"Shut up, I don't have much time, Josh, Josh you have to wake up, Josh we have to get out, **he's** coming, JOSH," Tyler half shouted at the sleeping man, then suddenly lurched towards him as if to shake him awake. Debby managed to jump to her feet and get in his way just in time, then Brendon ran in and grabbed him by the shoulders.

"GET OFF ME!!"  
"Ty, Ty shh, come on, let's go for a little walk," Brendon hushed whilst trying to pull him back out of the room but he struggled and twisted and almost managed to squirm free of his grip.  
"YOU'RE WORKING WITH **HIM** I KNOW YOU'RE WORKING WITH **HIM** , FUCK OFF, FUCK YOU!"  
"Tyler darling deep breaths," Debby tried to help, stepping over to where Brendon had managed to restrain him and reached up and tried to stroke his cheek but he batted her away aggressively.  
"Fuck off, JOSH GET UP!"  
"Josh can't get up sweetie, should we go and find Jenna and Mom, yeah?"  
"Let's go back downstairs," Brendon agreed and tried again to move him towards the door but he dug his feet into the ground stubbornly.

"I'M NOT LEAVING JOSH!" He screeched in Debby's face, "JOSH GET UP, YOU HAVE TO GET UP!"  
"I am so sorry," Jenna apologised as she ran into the room followed by two male nurses.  
"Okay sir, you need to come with us." One of the nurses informed Tyler as they relieved Brendon of the restraint and each took an arm then frogmarched him out of the room followed by Jenna once more. Debby sobbed harder and Brendon immediately enveloped her in his arms.

"Shh, shh it's okay, s'all gonna be okay," he whispered reassuringly into her hair as she broke down against his chest. "I'm sorry he got in, I tried to stop him sooner,"  
"I-t's n-ot you're f-fault,"  
"It's nobody's fault, none of this is." Brendon told her definitively, and Debby tried her best to calm herself down whilst he ran his hand up and down her back comfortingly. It took a while but eventually she tore herself from him and wiped her face with her sleeves.

"Did you talk to Josh?"  
"Yeh," she mouthed, looking over at him.  
"Well done babe, proud." He told her and she forced a smile. "Are you okay if I check on Laura? She's pretty shaken up,"  
"Yeah yeah, I'll come," Debby nodded then stepped out of the room and into the corridor where Laura was crying on the seat.

"Laura?"  
"Oh, oh I'm sorry guys, just, just give me a minute," she said, face in her hands.  
"Can we help at all?"  
"Josh, someone, someone talk to him, he needs someone to talk to him,"  
"Shall I?" Brendon offered and Debby nodded, so he went back into the hospital room and Debby sat on the seat next to the weeping woman.

"He didn't touch Josh, he didn't wake him up, he didn't upset him," Debby said to her, telling herself to be strong for the clearly broken mother.  
"He's upset, he just can't show it,"  
"Honestly Laura, he's happy, I was talking to him and he was happy," Debby lied.  
"I just, Ty's his best friend, they're best friends, a-and I can't, he just can't go back in there, I can't let him hurt my boy,"  
"I think Tyler will understand that decision once he gets his mental health under control, don't feel guilty for protecting your son."  
"He can't come back, I can't have him back,"  
"Okay, I'll make sure he doesn't visit him again."


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pfff, why have a consistent POV when you could jump every couple of paragraphs... Sorry.... :)

"You know me, you know I love Ty and I would do anything to make this work, but honestly I can't see a way that it can. Yesterday was one of the scariest moments of my life, a part of me genuinely thought that he might have even killed him he was that detached from his actions." Debby said, making eye contact with the side of her polystyrene cup of tea rather than her friends sat around the hospital cafe table with her.

"He wouldn't have killed him." Jenna defended her boyfriend.  
"Not intentionally, I just, he had this glint in his eye,"  
"I saw it too," Brendon agreed. "But I mean the whole fact that he's relapsed is surely sign enough that he can't handle this."  
"I don't think it would be normal for him to be completely fine though, I mean I know I'm not." Patrick piped up.  
"Yeah, don't think any of us are." Debby nodded. "But, and I'm not blaming Ty, the fact of the matter is that he has an illness and that illness might end up seriously hurting J who's unbelievably vulnerable. I'm not just saying this for J's sake, could you imagine what it would do to Tyler if he bruised him or broke a bone or applied that stress that pushed Josh over the edge. The guilt, the regret, it would destroy him."  
"Yeah," Jenna sighed.

"Could he even leave Young Minds though? Hypothetically?" Brendon asked.  
"Not of his own accord. His mom is obviously his guardian so she can discharge him at any point and bring him here, but I doubt she will." Jenna answered.  
"And also even if she did, Laura told the ward manager that she doesn't want Tyler in ICU." Debby told the group.  
"Yeah but I'm sure we could persuade her,"  
"Probably, but that doesn't mean we should. Think of how horrible, truly horrible, this must be for her with Josh, let alone with Tyler. She needs to focus on her son, we can't expect her to bring Tyler into the equation," Patrick said and the group all nodded agreeing. A silence fell over them as each allowed time for their minds to process the fact that Tyler really was never going to see Josh again. And maybe they wouldn't either.

"I'm, uh, I'm going to go and see him this afternoon." Jenna finally said.  
"Pass on my love," Debby forced a small smile and Jenna nodded.  
"Are you going to see Josh?"  
"I'm gonna try,"  
"Well pass on my love too,"  
"Course,"

"I think the best thing we can do is keep talking, you've all got big stuff going on, I've got stuff with Ryan, not as big, but stuff nevertheless, I just, this isn't going to be easy but it's going to be even harder if we try and do this alone. Let's just stick together." Brendon told the group, who all nodded.   
"And Bren, if the stuff with Ryan is important to you then it's important to us; you can talk to us too." Patrick replied and Brendon smiled gratefully.

"I've got news actually," Patrick continued a moment later.  
"Yeah?"  
"I um, I spoke to Pete's parents and they've uh, they've had enough basically."   
"Right, what does that mean?" Debby asked afraid.  
"Given me $50,000 and told me that he has to be out of the house and never come back by the time they get back from Paris, oh they've gone to Paris by the way, and we're not allowed to contact them again or they'll get private security involved."   
"Fucking Hell," Brendon sighed.

"$50,000 isn't gonna last long, The Retreat is $2,400 a day and he's really really sick guys, I'm talking worse than last time and last time he was in hospital for 4 months. I don't know what to do, 3 weeks in hospital isn't gonna fix my boy,"   
"We'll think of something,"  
"Insurance?" Jenna proposed.  
"They didn't include him on the family insurance plan,"  
"They're fucking cunts. I'm sorry, but they are," Brendon spat.

"I mean once he gets admitted I can get a job but it's gonna be nowhere near enough, so I'm stuck."  
"Can your parents help at all?"  
"They said that Pete can move in once he's discharged but they've got no money for treatment."  
"Okay well that's a reassurance for the long term at least, and we'll come up with something for now I promise." Brendon tried to support Patrick.

"How much is Young Minds?"  
"Umm, about $940 a day," he sighed as he rubbed his face.  
"Okay so I know it's not perfect, but 7 weeks there is better than nothing surely?" Brendon replied as Debby sipped her tea anxiously.  
"Young Minds is great for Ty, it specialises in psychosis, it's not so great with bipolar. He needs help, proper help that I thought The Retreat could finally offer him, but nope. It's just, ugh, this cycle is never going to end and he's never going to get better and I'm tired of watching him hurting so much."  
"We'll sort it darling, we'll sort it," Jenna told him, standing up and walking over to him and giving him a tight hug that Debby knew he appreciated.

"Could you call his parents and explain that you'll stay out of their way, not that they're ever even fucking in Ohio, but you just need a bit more cash? I mean they're fucking multimillionaires, they can afford it." Brendon suggested.  
"They'll only speak to me through Dale's assistant, and she's obviously been told to tell me the same message over and over again because I get the same response; take the 50k and leave them the hell alone."  
"And have you got the money? Like is it official?"  
"Yep, in my account."  
"Jesus Christ, they're fucking pathetic excuses for human beings,"  
"Undoubtedly so, but that doesn't solve the current issue," the clearly exhausted boyfriend sighed.

"You want my honest opinion sweetie?" Jenna offered.  
"Please,"  
"I spent time with him at his place for you and he clearly wasn't well, not only that but he was dangerous. He needs to be in a hospital Pat, he needs to be getting help and being watched more closely than we can offer. I know Young Minds isn't a bipolar specialist unit but it is a psychiatric unit and they're going to offer him therapy that he's not currently getting. Is it the perfect solution? No. Is it better than either having him potentially seriously hurting himself at home or spending all day every day in this hospital just staring at the walls? Yes. We know for a fact that he's not getting better at home and he's not getting better here, I say give Young Minds a shot."  
"Mmm,"

"Pat they'll look after him,"  
"I know,"  
"And you've done an amazing job but you can't go on being his therapist forever, you're his boyfriend and you need to give yourself a break." Debby told him.  
"I just wish I could help,"  
"You can help, you do help, but the most helpful thing for now is putting him into hospital."  
"Mmm,"

"Sweetie, do you want me to talk to Mark? I'm visiting Tyler so I'll see him, I can just ask him for some advice? Get him to call you?" Jenna offered.  
"I think, um, I think I'll take Pete home to my place tonight and talk it through with him."  
"Are you sure that's safe?"  
"I'll make sure of it." Patrick insisted quietly.

"How much does Pete know?" Brendon asked.  
"Nothing, well, depends a lot on which way he's swinging."  
"Yeh,"  
"Sometimes he's convinced that his parents are trying to kill him and other times they're planning a surprise to reward him, so I don't know. I'll tell him the truth if he's in a good enough place to cope with it."  
"Patrick do you want me to stay with you tonight?"   
"He, he won't like that,"  
"But would you?" Brendon said.  
"I'll call you if I need you,"  
"Any hour, I'll be there I promise."  
"Thank you, thanks to all of you,"

 

 

  
As Jenna sat in the visitors' waiting area in Young Minds, she couldn't seem to breathe properly. Her foot tapped and her fingers trembled and no matter how deep she breathed she couldn't seem to slow down her pounding heart. The nurse telling her to wait for a minute seemed years ago and each second only got worse.

She was afraid, undeniably inexcusably utterly afraid.

 **Blurryface** was back in their lives and Tyler was back in hospital and she didn't know what to do. She didn't know what to do last time and relied on Josh to help both her boyfriend and her, and she didn't know what to do this time and had no Josh to lean on. They had no Josh.

"Hi, Jenna?"  
"Yes that's me," she nodded, wiping away a tear that she hadn't noticed previously and standing to follow the nurse that she didn't recognise.  
"Just this way," the woman lead and Jenna nodded.

"You're Tyler's girlfriend if I'm right in thinking,"  
"Yeah," Jenna whispered as they went down the corridor, the nurse having to stop to unlock several doors along the way that kept Tyler contained. Like an animal.  
"How long have you two been together?"  
"Close friends for 6 years but uh, just dating for 2."  
"2 is still a long time, specially at your age."  
"Yeah," she sighed, not really paying attention to the conversation.  
"Hopefully this admission won't be too long and you kids can get back to doing whatever you do."  
"Hopefully,"

"Here we are, room 9," the older announced as they stopped by a closed blue door with the number labelled.   
"Is it um, is visiting still until 5pm?"  
"Visiting times for this part of the ward where the patients are a bit sicker is limited to 1 hour per person, so you've got until 3.10,"  
"Oh, oh okay, thank you,"  
"Hope it goes well," she smiled as she opened the door and let Jenna walk in.

Jenna never knew what to expect when seeing Tyler on the ward, but no matter how she prepared herself she was always surprised. The timid huddle in the corner of the bed was the opposite of the aggressive hallucinating Tyler she had envisioned. Mark was sat in a chair supervising and Kelly was silent beside him. The mental health worker smiled at her but the mother didn't look away from her son.

"Ty baby? Hi, it's me, it's Jenna," she began quietly, scared to scare him. His head shot up but his eyes were brimmed with tears and he looked so damn innocent.  
"Jen," he whispered and her heart broke as she crawled onto the mattress next to him and shuffled to be by his side. A grey hoodie framed his face and it slipped a little as he rested his head against her shoulder. As she wrapped her arm around his cowering frame, almost touching his knees that were pressed against his chest, a small sob escaped his lips.

"You're safe Ty, it's okay, it's all okay," Jenna whispered soothingly, pressing her lips against the top of his head as he cried. "Shhh, shh you're okay,"  
"I-I-I'm s-sorr-ry,"  
"It's okay baby, I love you, you're safe,"  
"I'm so-rry," he gasped as he sobbed and she clutched him tightly.  
"Tyler, Ty you've got nothing to be sorry for okay baby? Deep breaths, you need to keep yourself calm, deep breaths," she rubbed his back.

"I, I-I am so ss-sor-ry,"  
"Shhh, Ty, breathe,"  
"So-rry,"  
"Do you want your stimming toy? Babe, the tube one I got you? You dropped it but Debby and I found it, do-"  
"You f-ound it?" Tyler interrupted, tearing his head from her shoulder and turning to face her with tears rolling down his cheeks.  
"Yeah," Jenna nodded, getting it out of her pocket. He immediately fumbled and basically snatched it from her, twisting and turning and noticeably improving with the toy.

"I, I thought I lost it," he explained, breathing slower as he wiped his cheek with the back of his hand then went straight back to stimming. She watched him fiddle for a moment then was suddenly taken aback as Tyler lurched and wrapped his arms around her in a short hug then returned to his soother.

"Thank you,"  
"You're welcome baby," she smiled, then looked up at smiled at his mother too. Kelly was clearly heartbroken and her eyes were swollen from hours of crying, but she seemed happy that Ty was stimming and therefore doing something to look after himself a bit.

"I thought I lost it," Tyler muttered again.  
"Well you've got it now, yeah? And I can bring your other ones too, then you'll have lots and lots,"  
"I only, I only like this one,"  
"Okay darling, it's up to you, if you like that one then you use that one,"  
"Josh bought it for me,"  
"I did sweetheart, I got you that one," she reminded him gently as his breath shook and he twisted and manipulated the plastic.  
"Oh! I want Josh's." He suddenly decided, dropping it down onto the mattress.

"Josh didn't get you any darling, I did. I used to bring you a new one every Friday when you were in hospital last time, should I start doing that again now you're here again?"  
"I want Josh's."  
"Josh didn't give you stim toys baby, that was my thing."  
"I want Josh's." Tyler retaliated.  
"What does Josh's look like?" Jenna tried to help him despite knowing that he never received any from his best friend.

"It, it it has tubes, they are in a loop, the tubes, but it isn't a circle, it's twisty because the tubes are bent and a-and I can twist it. I um, I like it. The tubes are different colours, blue then green then purple then the, the, the same again," Tyler perfectly described the stimming toy in front of him, the stimming toy that Jenna had bought and Josh had nothing to do with. She swallowed down the slight hurt caused by Tyler trusting Josh so much more than her, knowing that it really wasn't important, just as long Tyler was okay.

"Is this it baby?" Jenna asked, picking up the toy.  
"Yes, but, but, but you said no,"  
"I was just confused darling, this is from Josh." She lied and he immediately began to use it once again.

"When's Josh coming?"  
"He's uh, he's not coming baby."  
"I want, I, I need to say sorry for sh-shouting,"  
"That's very polite of you Ty, well done, I can say sorry on your behalf when I go and visit him."  
"Visit?"  
"Yeah, visit him." She nodded.  
"Why do you say visit?" He asked, tears finally drying up as he confused Jenna.  
"Because that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to see him, to visit him."  
"You don't say visit, you say hangout." Tyler stated definitively.  
"Well I can say hangout if you'd like, but when somebody's in hospital you usually say visit."  
"He's in hospital?! Did I hurt him?!" He began to panic and Jenna wrapped her arm around him tighter, scared he was getting sick.

"Cancer Tyler, he's got stage 4 terminal cancer,"  
"W-what?" He whispered terrified, big tears rolling down his cheeks as a small sob escaped his lips, "I-is he g-going to be oh-okay?"  
"No, no he's not." Jenna told him, stroking his cheek with her thumb as a tear escaped her own eye. "But he'll be okay after that, he's going be okay in heaven baby."  
"No-o-o," Tyler broke down into hysterics and Jenna bit her lip tearfully, squeezing him tight.

"You should have TOLD ME!" He suddenly screeched, pushing her forcefully away then burying his face under his arms and sobbing. Jenna rubbed her throbbing chest where he had shoved her and tried to stop herself from crying any harder.

"Tyler, do we need to go to the seclusion room?" Mark asked calmly.  
"NOBODY TOLD ME!"  
"Tyler, sometimes when there's something not very nice happening in our lives, are minds are very clever and they try to protect us, to shelter us. You've subconsciously decided to protect yourself from what's happening with Josh, you've blocked it out, but I think in the back of your mind you do know what's been happening. You were told and you do know, and we're going to help you to process that, okay?" The mental health worker told him.

"I need to see him," Tyler suddenly set his mind to, scrambling off the mattress, seemingly oblivious to his tears, and lurching towards the door. Jenna only saw a blur of movement through her clouded eyes but Mark managed to beat him to it, holding it closed.

"Tyler, I'm gonna need you to take a step back and 5 deep breaths."  
"LET ME OUT!" He screamed, face centimetres from Mark's.  
"5 deep breaths for 5 seconds each,"  
"I NEED TO SEE HIM!"  
"Baby come on, do you want a hug from Mom?" Kelly offered, standing and gently pressing her hand to his lower back. Tyler immediately span round and aggressively pushed her back with both hands, making her stumble a little. She was clearly shaken up by the reaction and had to work very hard to hold back tears.

"Tyler, that's the second person you've pushed now. I don't think you want to hurt people you love and I don't think you want to be restrained, but that's what's going to happen if you carry on lashing out. What do you think about that?" Mark said steadily.  
"LET ME SEE J OR I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!" He spat and Jenna watched as Mark subtly pressed a button on the wall that called for assistance.  
"Tyler, take a step back, I need you to calm your tone of voice and focus on breathing."  
"Baby please," his mom appealed softly but Tyler didn't change his attacking stance.

"Mark? Code blue response." A male voice said from the other side of the door alongside a knock.  
"Yeh come in." He replied and then another 2 mental health nurses joined the confrontational room.  
"Tyler we're here to take you to the seclusion room to help you calm down, are you going to come with us by choice?"  
"I NEED TO SEE JOSH, DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME, I NEED TO SEE JOSH,"   
"Alright Tyler, let's go," one said firmly, then they took hold of an arm each, like they did routinely, and marched him out of the bedroom and towards the padded room down the corridor. Mark followed them and left Jenna and Kelly alone.

"Oh Jen, come here darling," the mother sighed and Jenna climbed off the bed crying and walked into her open arms. She squeezed her tight and slowly rocked her, "he'll get better, he always gets better, it's gonna be okay,"  
"I'm scared,"  
"Ssshh sweetheart, it's okay. He didn't sleep last night so he's really tired and it's making him sicker, once he gets some rest he'll be a bit better I promise. He's safe here, they're keeping him safe darling,"

 

 

"Mom," Abi whispered, finally breaking the silence.  
"Mmm,"  
"Is Debby coming today?"  
"She uh, she said so." Her mom answered, voice breaking and scratching and shaking. "But she might not, too hard,"  
"Okay," she murmured, watching her mom watching her brother. That was all she ever did anymore, watched him all day and all night and never left his side. For the first few days in hospital she had cried a lot and talked to him but now there was nothing. Abi almost missed the discrete sobs because at least that way she could tell herself that her mom was dealing with her emotions, now all she did was suppress. That or she was numb to it.

"Mom, will you come home with me?"  
"Ash will take you," she breathed into her hand, not breaking eye contact with Josh asleep in the bed.  
"I think we should go together Mom, you need to sleep."  
"M'staying with Josh,"  
"Please Mom, I'm, I'm worried about you."  
"Should be worried about your brother,"  
"I am Mom, we all are, but we need to look after ourselves too."  
"Go stay with your father then, he's an expert in self centredness." She muttered bitterly and Abi couldn't help but feel hurt. Her mom knew why she needed to go and stay with him; watching Josh literally disintegrate in front of her eyes was destroying any sense of hope and she was sinking deeper into a depression that could only be helped by distance. She thought her mom got it, she thought they were a team.

"That was uncalled for and I apologise." Laura said a moment later with complete lack of emotion.   
"It's, it's okay Mom, I love you,"  
"I love you too."

"Should I read to Josh? Would he like that?" Abi offered despite being pretty certain that Josh had lost any ability to connect to the outside world, including listening to and comprehending words. All he did was sleep, not even seizures anymore.  
"He's got a headache, he likes it to be quieter so he can rest."  
"How do you know he's got a headache Mom?"  
"I think I know my son." She snapped.

"Should I increase his morphine drip?" Abi asked quietly.  
"He doesn't like it, makes him drowsy."  
"Mom he's sleeping,"  
"He's resting, he likes being able to wake up properly, don't take that away from him."  
"I'm not taking anything away from him Mom, I just don't want him in pain."  
"When he wakes up and he can't concentrate properly he's going to work himself up and scare himself. You're not doing that to him, end of discussion." Laura said and Abi felt like crying because she knew that her brother wasn't going to wake up and she knew that her mom knew that and she didn't know why this was happening to them but she knew she wanted it to stop.

"Hey," Ashley said softly as she walked into the room with Jordan, coming back after going for a late lunch in the cafe.  
"Hi," Abi forced herself to say whilst Laura didn't look away from Josh, didn't acknowledge them in anyway.  
"Got you a cheese panini," she told her, placing the warm paper bag in Abi's lap. The thought of eating made her feel sick but she knew she had to do it.  
"Thank you,"

"Mom, I got you one too." Ashley held it out to her mother, who completely ignored it.  
"Ashley you need to take your sister home."  
"I don't want to go." Abi told her, trying to be brave but her voice shaking too much to be convincing.  
"You need to go home, you, you, all of you need to go home,"  
"Mom," Jordan sighed sympathetically.  
"I said go home! I don't want you here!" She told them sternly.

"Josh, they had bananas in the cafe and Ashley and I remembered that time that Tyler filled your room with bananas and you point blank refused to enter." Jordan said to his brother, sitting on the edge of the bed. "He put them everywhere, I actually saw him go upstairs to do it and he had like 4 bunches and I had no idea what he was doing, but you know, it's Ty, I didn't even blink twice."  
"Stop talking."  
"Mom, Josh likes to listen," Ashley reminded her.  
"He's got a headache, Jesus Christ what is wrong with you kids?! Let him rest!"

"Mom, will you listen to me for a minute?"  
"Take your brother and sister home and don't come back, I need some time with my son."  
"If you would like some time alone with Josh then we can wait in the family room, but we're not going home Mom, you shouldn't be alone, we're a family and we're here for each other. We need to look after each other, let us look after you."  
"I need to, I have to look after Josh," Laura said to Ashley crouched on the floor in front of her chair. Abi watched as her older sister reached out and took their mom's hand supportively. She held it for a while and Abi watched as tears suddenly began to roll down Laura's face.

"It's okay, come on, we're gonna be okay," she sighed, helping her mom to stand up and then pulling her into a hug. Jordan stepped off the bed and wrapped his arms around his sister and mom, able to hold them both easily.  
"Ab," he gestured with his head and she wiped away her own tears and joined the group hug. Although the 4 of them together was nice, it felt wrong to Abi. They were a 5, she had 3 siblings, it was supposed to be a 5. Josh was supposed to be the other brother towering above the girls, but Abi couldn't even remember how tall he was or what he looked like on his feet. She couldn't remember what he looked like before the cancer, and she couldn't imagine being a 4 from here on. She couldn't bring herself to attempt to imagine being a 4 from here on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long guys, had a rough couple of days. For those who haven't read my story Fear Will Lose, I have a condition called schizoaffective disorder which causes me to have hallucinations. Soooo I had a small relapse and decided to take a break to focus on getting better. But here's a lil chapter for you, sorry it took so long xxx


	21. Chapter 21

When Tyler woke up with a gasp he was immediately met by the glowing red eyes of his adversary. In his nightmare **he** had been chasing him through a forest of dead trees but now **he** simply stood in the far corner of his hospital room, and Tyler felt equally as terrified.

 **"You lose."**  
"Please, please, not today, please," Tyler begged.  
**"You're weak and pathetic, you disgust me."**  
"Please, please **Blurry** , please, not today, please,"  
**"I let you sleep. You owe me."**  
"You chased me in my sleep! This isn't fair **Blurry** , please, I'm tired."  
**"You don't tell me what's fair. Scum. You are entitled to nothing. You deserve nothing. You are worth nothing."**

"Please, don't hurt my mom today, please, anything else but not her,"  
**"Do you NEVER FUCKING LEARN?!" Blurryface** screeched, sudden appearing less than an inch from Tyler's face. Tyler instantly burst into terrified sobs, red eyes burning into his skull. Through hazed vision he saw **Blurryface's** top lip turn to a sneer, then Tyler desperately tried to scuttle away as **his** black hand reached towards him. In spite of pressing his spine hard against the white wall, it wouldn't give way and he couldn't escape and he couldn't stop **Blurry** from scratching **his** long sharp nail along his cheek.

 **"Baby boy, when will you learn? If you TELL PEOPLE YOUR WEAKNESS THEN THEY WILL EXPLOIT IT."**  
"No, no, **Blurry** please, I'll do it, please not her."  
**"Keep talking. I. Dare. You." He** growled and Tyler tried his hardest to suppress his escaping whimpers, terrified of their consequences. The fear was so intense that Tyler actually covered his mouth with his hand, squeezing his cheeks tight. **Blurry** cackled, flaunting his power and chilling Tyler to the bone.

"Ty my man, good morning good morning, how are we today?" Mark smiled as he entered the room, and Tyler couldn't help but look over at **Blurry** for permission to talk. **He** laughed shrilly then raised a black finger to **his** still slightly open mouth and gestured silence with a grin that rendered Tyler unable to speak even if he wanted to.

"Tyler, can you take your hand off your mouth please?" Mark asked but Tyler didn't even have to look at **Blurry** to know that he wasn't allowed. "I'm going to help you a second, I don't like you having your nails in your cheeks." He continued and then reached out and softly placed his hand around Tyler's wrist. It didn't take much force to ply his grip away because he lacked strength in any sense, but immediately regretted caving as he saw **Blurryface's** reaction. The silver blade **he** suddenly held in **his** black hands glinted as **he** strode over to the wall then aggressively etched a single line into the plaster, then turned and set **his** red eyes back on Tyler. Tyler knew exactly what the line meant, it was a tally, **he** was starting a tally, and every time Tyler disobeyed **him** there would be another tally and therefore another cut at the end of the day. **Blurryface** sniggered proudly and Tyler felt vomit threatening to rise. He hated blood.

"Tyler, I'm going to talk you through your day, if you have any problems or questions then interrupt whenever." Mark said but Tyler knew he wouldn't and he couldn't because **Blurry** leant against the wall, twiddling the point of the knife on **his** index finger pad, no blood seeping through **his** black skin.

"You're still settling in so you're not on full timetable yet, and there are some activities that you can't participate in until we get you off the acute wing and into the main ward. Tyler the way you can go and join everyone else isn't a set target like 24 hours clean, it's by showing that you can and want to stay safe. Does that make sense?" The mental health worker continued and **Blurryface** whispered for him to nod, so of course he obeyed.

"So you're having breakfast and lunch in a support room again, but we're going to try and have dinner in the main canteen with everyone els-"  
"No!" Tyler involuntarily blurted, anxiety seizing control and earning him another strike on the wall.  
"Tyler can you tell me why you don't want to at least try?" Mark asked and Tyler looked at **Blurry** for permission and guidance, he didn't know how to get himself out of the mess without **his** help.

"Tyler, how many people are in this room?"  
**"2." Blurry** instructed him to copy.  
"2,"  
"So when you look at the wall, what are you looking at?"  
"I haven't looked at the wall." Tyler lied and then tried not to cry as **Blurry** carved another strike, clearly angered by Tyler's lack of convincing excuse. He should have known better, idiot, should have known better.

"Is **he** there?"  
"No."  
"Did **he** tell you to say that?"  
"No."  
"Tyler, would you like it if I went and stood by the wall so that **he** can't?" Mark offered.  
"No."  
"So what would help? What would make **him** go away?"  
"You're the only person here, I, I don't know what you're talking about."  
"You know exactly who I'm talking about, **he's** right behind me isn't **he**?"  
"No," Tyler replied because it was true. **Blurry** was obviously pissed off at Tyler for talking so much, for giving the game away, so suddenly leaped from the tally and over to his bed. Tyler was still tightly pressed against the wall but **Blurry** made him wish the wall would swallow him whole so that he could escape. **He** was right there, inches from Tyler's huddled frame, and Mark couldn't end the turmoil by talking about some stupid breathing exercises.

"Tyler, when we're non-violently hallucinating, what do we do?"  
**"I'll kill him if you tell him I'm here,"**  
"I wouldn't know, I've never hallucinated."  
"Okay, so if someone you loved, Jenna perhaps, was hallucinating, what should she do?"  
"Mark you clearly know the answer you're after, just tell me my day then fuck off." Tyler growled, getting frustrated at him and at **Blurry** and at himself. It was truly an impossible situation, but he knew that if he hurt Mark then he'd be forgiven. If he hurt **Blurry** then he'd have to pay the price.

"Tyler, it's my job to keep you safe-"  
"I am safe!" He interrupted.  
" **He** doesn't like it when you talk to me, I know **he** doesn't, and **he's** gonna get mad and then you won't be safe."  
"So stop fucking talking to me!" Tyler screeched, then gasped as he realised how he had inadvertently exposed **Blurry**. Of course **he** instantly stood up and engraved another line, then another and another and another. Shit.

"You're not going to be left alone with **him** , okay? **He** can't hurt you,"  
**"I can,"**  
"And he's not going to make you hurt yourself,"  
**"I am,"**  
"You're safe Tyler,"  
**"You're really not." Blurryface** cackled.  
"Thank you," Tyler whispered terrified, believing **Blurryface** so much more than Mark.

"I'm gonna take you for breakfast now in a support room, and I'm going to give you all your meds too."  
**"Meds won't work."**  
"And then your mom is coming for a visit, so you've got an hour together in here."  
**"If she doesn't die in a rather nasty car crash I have in mind."**  
"After Mom pops home you've got an appointment with Dr Bishop the psychiatrist to talk about antipsychotics. I know you're on max dose at the moment-"  
**"Meds don't work."**  
"But he's going to talk to you about exploring other options and different antipsychotics to try instead."  
**"Meds don't work Tyler, MEDS DON'T WORK."**  
"Thank you,"

"Then we've got lunch together and this afternoon you're meeting your new therapist. I know you've had Dr Kahana-"  
**"He's dead."**  
"Whilst you've not been using Young Minds, but whilst you're inpatient we're going to try a woman called Dr Arlidge. She's lovely-"  
**"And will be dead soon,"**  
"And everyone seems to do really well with her. Fingers crossed hey?"  
"Fingers crossed." Tyler mouth as he tried desperately to hold back the tears.

"What's **he** saying?"  
"Nothing, how's Josh?" Tyler asked, knowing full well there would be consequences but willing to take them for his best friend.  
"I haven't heard anything either way I'm afraid, but if I do then I'll let you know."

 

 

  
Dallon sighed as Brendon returned to his bedroom, holding a new bottle of vodka in his hand.  
"Bren, mate, it's 11 in the morning."  
"So you're not joining me?" Brendon asked as he cracked the cap open.  
"No,"  
"But you're happy enough to smoke my weed." He complained, Dallon not sure how sincerely, then took the half smoked joint from his grip and put it between his own lips.

"Smoking is one thing, drinking's another."  
"You're a fucking genius Dallon."  
"No but you know what I mean. You need to relax, I get that, weed does that, understandable. Drinking, you can never predict how you're gonna react. Sometimes you're calmer but usually you're angry and violent or super emotional and that's the last thing we need."  
"Go to school then."  
"Well if you're gonna get drunk either way then I'd rather be here to make sure you're okay."  
"That's my boy," Brendon grinned as he passed the joint back and took a gulp of the vodka.

"Speaking of your boy, I heard that you and Ryan have been back in contact."  
"Seriously? Are you a fucking idiot Dallon?"  
"So that's a no?"  
"That's a all my friends are either dying or trying to kill themselves or in a relationship with someone who is. I'm trying to relax and your way of helping is bringing up my ex?"  
"Sorry," Dallon apologised sheepishly, admitting to himself that it was probably a bad move. He took another drag then passed the joint across to Brendon, who put down the already significantly dented bottle.

"I've got Sarah now,"  
"Yeah, I like her."  
"Me too man, me too,"  
"Breezy said that she's into you," Dallon told his friend.  
"How could she not be?" He smirked before drinking again.

"Ryan's dead to me, especially now Ty's back on YM." He murmured sadly a moment later, and Dallon wasn't sure how to react or whether to dig.  
"Right."  
"I did speak to him, I told him to go drink bleach."  
"It's a bit extreme ain't it?"  
"Is it?" Brendon retorted.  
"Well considering what's going on with Pete and Ty, suicide jokes aren't exactly in the best taste."  
"Who says I'm joking?"

"Obviously I don't know what he did, but it can't be bad enough for you to actually want him to fucking die. Like hate him? Fair enough. Want him to die? Bit too far." Dallon told Brendon honestly as he drank from the bottle.  
"You wanna know what he did?"  
"Do you wanna tell me?"  
"You wanna know?"  
"Brendon I'm a nosey shit, every kid in the whole school wants to know, but at the same time I'm very aware that you're vulnerable right now and I don't wanna take advantage of that."  
"Vulnerable? I'm not vulnerable."  
"Yes you are Bren. Like you said, all your friends are hurting, you're about to lose Josh, you're drunk."  
"I've only had a little," he held up the bottle to show him.  
"That, plus the 4 beers you had before you went and got that."

"Do you really think I'm vulnerable?" Brendon asked.  
"Yeah I do,"  
"Do you think I'm weak?"  
"Not at all."  
"He thinks I'm weak."  
"Ryan?"  
"I hate him."  
"Good, if he makes you feel weak then he's a crappy person Bren because you are the strongest guy I know. You're strong enough to get through the day, but not only that, you're also strong enough to support your entire friendship group and their families."

"Ryan hurt Ty, that's why I cut him off."  
"How did he hurt him?" Dallon asked sensitively.  
"He's got schizophrenia,"  
"Yeah I know,"  
"He always sees this guy, calls **him** **Blurryface, he** makes him do all this shit to himself."  
"Right,"  
"When Tyler was sick last time, before his family knew about Young Minds and before he got any professional help, we all used to take our turns watching him so that he was never alone."  
"That's very generous of you Bren,"

"I um, one night I was on duty and Ryan came too to help out."  
"Yeah,"  
"I went in the kitchen and left the pair of them together whilst I made some dinner for us, and apparently they were talking. Turns out that Tyler described perfectly what Blurryface looks like to him."  
"Right,"

"2 weeks later, I get a call from Josh,"  
"Is he with Tyler?"  
"Yeah, well kind of. They were together but Tyler had run upstairs and Josh hadn't brought his crutches so he couldn't get up and check on him. However he had caught Ryan dressed up as **Blurry**."  
"What the fuck?!"  
"The cunt fucking dressed up as Tyler's worst tormentor. I'm talking the whole outfit, right down to the fucking body paint, the cunt even went to the lengths of buying fucking red contact lenses."  
"What the actual fuck?!"

"Apparently he knocked on the window and grinned and Tyler saw him and completely fucking freaked, and escaped upstairs. Ryan then knocked on the door and Josh answered, hoping it would be someone who could go upstairs because he couldn't, but it was actually him playing dress up. Josh dragged him in and beat the shit out of him basically, ain't half bad for a kid in a wheelchair. Only time he's ever been violent."  
"Cunt deserved it."  
"Amen. So Ryan was a bloody pulp in the kitchen and Josh called me because I'm only down the street, and I sprinted round to check on Ty primarily. I went upstairs and he had hurt himself bad."  
"How bad?"  
"Bad bad, needed stitches and a blood transfusion."  
"Shiiitt." Dallon sighed, still trying to get his head around it all.

"Why? Why did he do it?"  
"He told me it was a fucking prank." Brendon spat bitterly before swigging more of the vodka, and Dallon didn't blame him for wanting to numb it.  
"I am gonna fucking punch that asshat so hard when I see him."  
"You get why I told him to drink bleach?"  
"If it were me I'd fucking force feed it down his scum throat."  
"Yep, and there we have it, the end of Ryden."

"Who knows?"  
"Me Josh Ty and Ryan."  
"You wanna keep it that way?"  
"Yep," he sighed as he drank.

"I fucking loved him Dallon, I'm talking properly loved him."  
"I know mate."  
"Not just a quickie between classes, as in a fucking house with a white picket fence and a wedding and children and mortgages and all that shit."  
"Yeah,"  
"For one moment, one brief moment I had someone who actually cared about me, wanted the best for me, who I wanted to be the best for."  
"Yeah,"  
"And he fucking fucked it all up the fucker. One minute he was there and then the next it was like I didn't even know who he was. The Ryan I loved would not have found it funny to fucking torment someone with a mental illness."  
"Mmm," Dallon listened, watching as Brendon got more and more upset, wondering whether the tears brimming in his eyes were going to tumble down his cheeks.

"I have ADD, that's a fucking mental disorder, was he thinking this shit about me? Mocking me? Thinking it's all some sort of fucking game? That I'm a fucking joke?"  
"You're not Bren," he reassured his friend as he wiped away a stray tear.

"I thought he understood. I thought he was somebody who understood how fucking hard this is."  
"Mmm,"  
"Like when I'm not on medication I'm fucking insane, I can't stop bouncing off the fucking walls and my concentration lasts less than a second and I can't focus on anyone or be serious, and when two of your best mates are having psychotic episodes and another best mate is dying of cancer, the worse thing you can be is hyper and happy."  
"Right,"  
"So I've been taking these pills and they turn me into this drone person that's just not me."  
"You're on them now?"  
"Yeah, it's like I'm trapped inside my body and I'm watching myself do stuff that I can't control and there's nothing I can do about it and it's terrifying."  
"But you're doing that, putting yourself through that for Josh and the guys?"  
"Yeah,"  
"That's really selfless of you Bren."  
"Don't really have a choice."  
"Yes you do, and you put their feelings first because that's just the man you are."

"There's no mid ground anymore. Either I'm off the meds and I'm me but I'm too much, you know? I'm just too much for people, especially sick or grieving people. Then on the other hand I can be medicated right down to this thing that honestly doesn't even want to talk. Like I've been high for the past I don't know how long, but if it wasn't for that then I'd be lying on the floor in my bedroom just staring at the ceiling. And that way I'm not good to people either. I just can't fucking win."  
"Bren-"  
"And Ryan, Ryan brought stability and for whatever fucking reason it just worked. For him I could be control myself. Not entirely, not completely, not quite enough, but I could pass as a fairly normal functioning person without my medication. I was happy."  
"Yeah,"

"When he spoke to me the other day, I almost crumbled. He's filling in for Ty as basketball captain, well you knew that, but yeah, he texted me to ask whether I know how long he's going to be off school for. And of course just opening that door a crack allowed the flood to come rushing back and I'm a fucking idiot because I agreed to meet him."  
"Shit Brendon,"  
"We already did it and I was so fucking close Dallon, so fucking close. He put his hand on my hand and every inch of my being was screaming to forgive him when he begged me for forgiveness, and that if I got back wth him then maybe I could behave and be able to help people and feel okay. But somehow I dug deep and told him, you know, drink bleach. Dallon I was so fucking close."

"Look, if it was as simple as the taunting Tyler thing then I'd say there's no way you can forgive him. But it's so clear to me how much you feel like you need him. If you can honestly find it in your heart to rationalise what he did then I can be fairly confident that Tyler would give you his blessing."  
"No. No don't even make that an option. I'm not going back to him, I can't, I refuse to cave on basic morals like respecting mentally unwell people. If he can't respect Tyler then what's to say he can respect me? No, I can't let myself even entertain the possibility of a future with him. I'll just have to cope alone."

 

 

"Oh I like that one," Laura forced herself to smile as she pointed at a photo of Josh and Debby. Debby smiled because she loved that photo too, Ashley had taken it when the three of them were messing about on the bridge one night and it was packed with happy memories. Josh had finally come to terms with his wheelchair and spent the evening laughing and giving Debby lifts down the slope at dangerously fast speeds. There had been a few close shaves but no major accidents and lots of tears of laughter. Debby was glad that Jenna had given the photo its own page in the scrapbook, and glad that it could bring the family a small sense of warm in the clinical ICU family room.

"I think I have photographer credits," Ashley said.  
"Yeah," Debby confirmed with a nod.  
"He was really happy that night,"  
"Was that when you two didn't get through the door till gone 1 in the morning?" Laura asked her daughter.  
"Yep," she laughed.  
"The first time he wanted to go out after dark in his chair without me, and the three of you decided to worry me out of my mind."  
"Aw I'm sorry Mom," Ashley smiled, hugging her then turning the page of the scrapbook.

Debby had spent hours and hours creating the scrapbook with Jenna and even longer crying over it each night, so she knew what the next photo was without looking. It was Josh and his koala friend from the group trip to the zoo, Tyler's favourite photo of him.

Her mind drifted to her boyfriend's best friend as Ashley and Laura cooed over the picture. Jenna had given a tearful report over the phone of her visit and Debby had cried too, Tyler seemed just as bad if not worse than last time and Jenna was distraught. Debby was also at a loss. Tyler was hospitalised and Pete was sick and on his way to the same fate, Patrick was exhausted, as was Jenna, Brendon was doing his best but Debby knew there was something happening with Ryan that he wasn't sharing, then of course Josh had days if not hours left.

"Debby." Ashley brought her back to the room.  
"Oh, sorry, yeah?"  
"When was this one taken?"  
"This was after Tyler's championship game sophomore year," Debby recalled, looking at the photo of her in her cheer outfit, Tyler in his basketball kit and Josh grinning from his wheelchair in front of them both.  
"He always looks so happy," his sister sighed.  
"Have you got any from when he was still walking?" Laura asked, but before Debby could flip to show her, Jordan burst into the family room where the three women were sat.

"You gotta come," he panted, not stopping to explain as he ran back out of the room. Laura instantly threw the scrapbook aside and sprinted after her son, Ashley and Debby following a few seconds behind.

"Did you get a doctor?!" Laura called out as they ran.  
"Yeh," Jordan called back, disappearing through the door half way down the corridor. Finally Debby reached her boyfriend's room too and realised that she was sobbing. It made her vision blurry but she could still make out, through the crowded room, the green number on a monitor that reassured her he still had a heartbeat. It was too low, far too low, but it had been that way for days. Only once Debby bit her lip to stop the sobs escaping was she able to hear the reason Jordan and Abi had called 2 doctors and the whole family into the room.

Josh was attempting to breathe but he wasn't taking in any oxygen because he was spluttering and choking constantly. An alarm was going off and Debby could see the rapidly falling number showing his oxygen sats, but she was helpless as Josh couldn't even gasp a desperate breath between gurgling coughs.

"He's got a pleural effusion, both lungs." The younger doctor told the other, removing the stethoscope he'd been using to identify the fluid on Josh's lungs.  
"Mom, do you want us to intubate?" The older asked hurriedly.  
"No, no, no ventilator," Laura shook her head tearfully, Ashley wrapping her arms around her terrified.  
"Okay let's perform an emergency thoracentesis, we're gonna have to do it without anaesthetic."  
"What's happening? Don't hurt him," Debby sobbed over the sound of his chokes.  
"We need to drain the fluid from his lungs." One explained whilst the other cleaned a section of Josh's skin under his ribs with iodine. Then he passed the working doctor a large needle and syringe.

"Not enough time, give me a scalpel."  
"Even without an ultrasound?" The doctor said doubtfully, scaring Debby beyond belief.  
"Largest volume of fluid I've ever heard, I'll hit it." He nodded, so the man passed him a blade and Debby could barely watch as he made an incision into her choking boyfriend's chest.

She had to turn away and found herself burying her face into Jordan's chest as they completed the procedure. His hand rubbed her back and Debby couldn't help but be reminded of when his brother would hold her like that.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, she heard Josh sharply heave in a wheezed breathe. More tears and sobs escaped as she turned to face him again, and gasped herself when she saw the tube that had been inserted into his side and the fast flowing yellow tinged liquid pouring into a bag suspended close to the floor beneath his bed.

"Can we get a mask on him please?" The doctor who had performed the procedure requested as he stood up and took his rubber gloves off, then disposed of the instruments in the yellow bin. Meanwhile the other man opened a drawer and got out an oxygen mask which he proceeded to unwind and attach to the tank, then carefully replaced Josh's nasal cannula with. All the while Josh's eyes remained closed and he remained unconscious.

"Alright let's take him for a scan,"  
"No." Laura piped up, tears rolling down her face.  
"Laura we need to scan his lungs, check the fluid, check the drain is in the right place."  
"No."  
"Can I ask why not?"  
"He doesn't like it, it scares him, I won't have him scared. No matter what the scan finds, you can't fix it. It's not worth it, whatever the consequences of a misplaced drain or a build up of fluid, it will end up the same as his fate any way. I want everyone to focus on keeping him calm and happy. If that means a few less hours together then I'm willing to accept that."


	22. Chapter 22

"And they're starting him on new anti psychotics this morning," Kelly told Zack.  
"Right, and this one works?"  
"Well they all work for some people, otherwise they wouldn't be prescribed. He just happens to be quite resistant to them. But fingers crossed for this round."  
"Yeah," Zack sighed.

"Should I write him a letter?"  
"I'm sure he'd love that Zack, if you want to then of course I'll take it to him."  
"Can I not give it to him myself?"  
"I don't think that's a good idea sweetheart,"  
"Why not? Please Mom,"  
"You're a kid, Young Minds isn't a place for kids."  
"Yes it is Mom, it's literally a hospital for under 21s."  
"You know what I mean Zack, I don't want you to have to see your brother like that."  
"He's still my brother,"  
"Of course he is, but he's violent right now and the last thing I want is you getting hurt."

"Do you want me to check how your rib is doing?" Zack sighed a moment later.  
"I'm fine, I took a couple of paracetamol this morning and it's bearable."  
"Mom your limb could be blown off and you'd say it was bearable, please, let me look again?"  
"Okay," she caved after a moment of thought, and that was a sign to Zack at how much pain she was truly in. She took off her cardigan with a slight wince, then turned around and started rolling up her top. Once she couldn't reach any further Zack took over and pulled it the rest of the way so that he could finally see the horrific wound on her back. Tyler had attacked her, again, and this time the results were more severe than a bruised wrist she could shake off.

A large purple and blue patch ran parallel underneath her bra strap, and the centre was extremely swollen and turning black, and Zack shuddered at the sight. There were broken blood vessels within the bruise giving blood red patterns and adding to the lump that honestly terrified Zack. Tyler had done that, he had done that to their mother.

"Mom I still think you're better off going to the Emergency Room,"  
"It's not broken Zack, just a bruise,"  
"You don't know that. Please Mom, let a doctor look."  
"The last thing this family needs is more time spent in hospitals. I'll be fine, either way it will heal soon enough."  
"At least stop wearing a bra. I know this isn't something a son talks to his mom about, but I really don't think you should be restricting the rest of your ribs."  
"They're not that tight, can you just get me some ice please?"  
"Ice, yeah of course. Just lie down on the couch and I'll bring it through." Zack instructed, then her left the living room and went into the kitchen.

Zack couldn't help but sigh again as he got out a tea towel from the drawer, then opened the freezer and took out several trays of cubes. His brother had only been gone a few days but he could already tell that it was going to be a long admission. And honestly? He missed him like crazy but he didn't want him at home.

He would never be able to completely get over the bruises scattered on his mom from Tyler's episodes, but having him in the house with two young children frightened the life out of Zack. Whilst bashing the stubborn cubes into the fabric he tried to distract himself from that memory of Tyler choking Maddy.

Tyler wouldn't choke Maddy, he wouldn't, but **Blurry** had made him in the past before the label of schizophrenia was slapped on him and he was sent away. Zack had to stop him in the past, had to fight him, had to hit him to make him let go. And that was simultaneously his biggest regret and a choice he knew was right. Of course he shouldn't have punched Tyler the previous year when he was sick and vulnerable and scared, but at the same time if he hadn't have loosened his grip on their sister's throat somehow then maybe things wouldn't have ended up the way they had.

Zack didn't know why that memory always came up, but again he tried to push it away, stuff it down, as he walked back into the living room with a cold towel stuffed with ice.

"Ahh! You should have warned me you cheeky bugger," his mom complained as he pressed the ice to her back, her laying face down.  
"Sorry," he apologised as her breathing slowed down, still wincing a little as he repositioned it to perfect cover the swollen mark.  
"Thank you Z,"

"Are you okay Mom?"  
"Honestly it looks worse than it is."  
"I know that's not true, but I didn't mean your rib, I meant you." He sighed whilst holding the cold pack.  
"I'm fine Zack."  
"I didn't bunk off school for this, please Mom, talk to me."  
"You're not bunking darling, you have a valid reason to be home today."  
"I had a nightmare, I'm not dying,"  
"Tyler used to have days off for nightmares all the time, was he skiving?"  
"No but he's got schizophrenia, it's not the same."  
"Zack if you want to go to school then I'll take you," Kelly told him, lifting her face to look at him as he continued to hold the ice.  
"No no, I'm not a complete idiot," he forced himself to laugh.

"Do you want to talk about the nightmare yet Zack?"  
"It's dumb, don't worry about it."  
"Course I'm worried darling, I'm worried about all my kids."  
"Yeah," Zack said, hoping she'd continue to get things off her chest.

"Can I tell you something?"  
"Anything."  
"When you came through to Dad and my bed this morning, crying over a nightmare, I had a sort of flashback to when that was Ty. Before **Blurryface** became a hallucination **he** was a character in Tyler's nightmares, and I had this horrible thought that maybe you and the littleones might have it too, might develop it too."  
"Schizophrenia?"  
"Yeah, I mean Jay and Maddy both have awful nightmares, and now you do too."  
"Mmm,"  
"I'm not trying to scare you Zack,"  
"No no I know, is um, is that a thing that happens though? Like genetically with siblings?" Zack asked, heart pounding at the idea that he had never even considered before.

"I googled it, the odds of getting schizophrenia without any family members who have it is about 1%, with a sibling it goes up to 10%."  
"Oh,"  
"But think about it Zacky, 10% is not that high, not really. You three will all be fine I'm sure of it, just moms worry about this sort of thing."  
"Will you take me to a doctor to talk about it?"  
"Sweetheart you don't have it."  
"But the nightmare, I mean I had a guy in it, he had red eyes like Tyler's **Blurryface** , chasing me like **Blurry** does, it's not a hallucination yet but it's gotta be better to get help sooner rather than later, I, I don't wanna have to go into hospital Mom," Zack began to panic slightly, and Kelly gestured for him to remove the ice from her back, then she sat up on the sofa and rolled down her top. She held out her arm and Zack sat next to her, cuddling against her side.

"Can you tell me about your guy?" She asked softly.  
"He had red eyes, really bright piercing eyes."  
"Glowing?"  
"Yeah,"  
"And what else darling?"  
"Black hands and black neck,"  
"Right,"  
"And we were in a forest but all the trees were dead and he was chasing me and no matter how fast I'd run, he kept catching up with me."  
"Why were you running?"  
"He was scary Mom, he, he, he was saying stuff about me, about making me hurt people." Zack said and she squeezed him tight.

"Zack can I be honest with you?"  
"Yeh,"  
"You're describing **Blurryface**. Not your own, you're describing your brother's, perfectly I might add. You know what **he** looks like to Ty, you boys talk about his nightmares all the time, you're describing **him** because you know what Tyler sees, not because schizophrenia is causing you to see **him**."  
"I don't understand."  
"You had a nightmare because you've got a lot of stress on you at the moment, you're worried about Josh and about Tyler, and it's disturbing your sleep."  
"Right," he listened.  
"Nightmares scare people, and the scariest thing your imagination could come up with was **Blurryface**. Not because you've got schizophrenia, but because you're scared of what **Blurry** does to your brother. Does that make sense?"  
"I think so,"

"You don't have it darling, I'm sorry for even bringing it up."  
"But I might, there's a chance,"  
"Very slim."  
"Please Mom, can we book a doctor's appointment to see what they can do?"  
"Sweetheart listen, you've worked yourself up over this and I'm sorry, but if you'd like then I'll talk to Mark at Ty's hospital later and see if they have any screening tests you could take to reassure you that you don't have it."  
"Thank you,"

 

 

As Tyler sat in Dr Arlidge's office, he could hear the footsteps of **Blurry** pacing along the wall behind him, back and forth and back and forth. For a therapy session **Blurry** had been quite mild in comparison to usual.

Sure, **he** screamed how much Tyler would pay every single time he opened his mouth, but Tyler wasn't going to sob over the tallies today. Yes, there were lots on the space between Dr A's certificates, but that simply meant lots of cuts, and Tyler deserved them. If he was good then he wouldn't have to suffer. But he wasn't good, he was bad, very bad. He had to suffer. **Blurry** only did it to help him learn, help him understand how to be good. He had to be good. He had to be good.

"Tyler," Dr A said, and Tyler nodded without making eye contact with the warm faced woman. "What's the best thing that you and **Blurryface** have ever done together?"  
"I, I don't understand,"  
**"Idiot," Blurry** hissed into his ear before pacing again.  
"Have you ever done anything positive together that you've enjoyed?"  
" **He** enjoys everything **he** makes me do."  
"You, not **Blurryface** , you."  
" **He** tortures me,"  
**"Baby boy, DON'T TELL LIES." He** screeched as **he** ripped **his** blade through the wall and completed another set of 5.  
"But I enjoy it."

"You enjoy the torture **he** puts you through?" Dr A asked, and Tyler wished he had his stim toy to fiddle with, distract himself with, calm himself down with.  
**"You love me Tyler."**  
"I love him."  
**"I make you better, tell her how I make you better,"**  
" **He** makes me a better person,"  
**"HOW?!"**  
"A stronger person, teaches me my worth and shows me what to do when I feel lost or afraid. **He** tells me how to be good." Tyler recited, not breaking eye contact with the side of the desk.

"What does **he** think is good?"  
"I haven't learnt yet, not completely, I still need **his** help." Tyler murmured quietly, **Blurry** grimacing proudly.  
**"You're being such a good boy Tyler," he** told him, running **his** finger along his cheek.

"Are you in love with **him** Tyler?" She asked, resting her temple against her fingers as she watched him think.  
**"Well, baby boy, what's the truth?" Blurry** asked, sitting on the side of the desk and glaring at him, burning into his skull with his glowing eyes.  
"No, I am in love with Jenna."  
"Why are you in love with Jenna and not **Blurryface**?"  
"She's nice, **he's** not," Tyler whispered and **Blurry** screamed, literally screamed, then ran over to the wall and scratched line after line after line in hysterics. Tyler hated when **he** got like that, when **he** got jealous.

 **"WHY?! WHY?!?! You were doing SO GOOD, this is your fault, you're making me do this, I HAVE TO DO THIS NOW!" He**  screeched emotionally.

" **He** helps me be good though," Tyler said, wanting to calm **Blurry** down but not knowing how to.  
"Tyler, how does Jenna help you feel good?"  
" **Blur** please, please calm down," he begged as the red eyed man seemed so aggravated that it was almost at the point of causing **him** physical pain.  
"Is **he** okay?" Dr A asked without judgement.  
"I upset **him** ,"  
"It's hard to watch someone you love upset, isn't it?"  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded as **Blurryface** crumbled to the ground in angry sobs.

"Do you need to go to **him**?" She offered.  
"May I?"  
"Take as long as you need," the therapist smiled and Tyler immediately stood up, chair scratching as he pushed it back.

He hurried over to where **Blurry** was huddled on the floor, sobbing but also gritting **his** teeth and stabbing the wall with **his** knife over and over again. Tyler wished he could make **Blurry** better, just like **Blurry** made him better. He sat next to **him** , wanting **him** to know what he was there for **him**. That's what Josh used to do, and Josh always used to help him before **Blurry** got jealous and gave him cancer.

" **Blur** , please, calm,"  
**"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME?!"**  
"Talk to me, help me to understand," Tyler told **him**. **  
"I do SO MUCH for you, and you hate me. Have you got any idea how that feels?! To be hated by the person you live for?!"**  
"Hmm,"  
**"Is that all you've got to say? Seriously?!"**  
"No, just, um, sometimes it's better to sit and listen, let you talk,"  
**"You're so FUCKING UNGRATEFUL!"**  
"I'm sorry,"  
**"DO YOU THINK I WANT TO HURT YOU?!"**  
"Yes," he whispered, terrified of how the erratic figure would react but not wanting to lie to **him**. Of course **Blurry** screeched and sobbed and Tyler began to cry.

"Tyler, can I talk or is **he** talking now?" Dr A asked, crouching down opposite them.  
" **He's** crying,"  
"So are you. I think **he** needs a timeout, would that help **him** calm down?"  
"I think so," Tyler nodded shakily as **Blurry** wept. "Can **he** have a stim toy? It will help **him**."  
"Tyler I have a box of stimming tools, you can have one of those, but do you think you can teach **Blurry** a stimming technique that doesn't need a tool? Do you know any counting or flapping or tapping stims?"  
"Yes," he nodded tearfully, then turned back to **Blurry**.

" **Blur** , **Blurry** copy me," Tyler instructed, then showed **him** how he liked to tap his knuckles together over and over again. At first **he** blanked Tyler, but eventually **he** began to watch him, then copy.  
"Is **he** doing it?" Dr A asked Tyler.  
"Uh huh," he nodded.  
"Shall we go sit back down at the desk? Leave **him** here to stim?"  
"Okay," Tyler whispered, then carefully walked back over to his seat and tried to ignore **Blurry's** hiccups.

"Mark told me that you've got quite a big collection of stimming tools, which one from my box would you like?" The doctor asked, opening up a massive collection for him to search through. First he let his eyes scan the various bits and bobs before finally setting his heart on a piece of string with 8 clear beads on it. He scooped it up and began clicking them together.

"Tyler,"  
"Mmm?"  
"Is it okay if we talk?"  
"Yes," he nodded, thankful she asked first.  
"When you just helped **Blurry** , I could only hear your side of the conversation. Do you know what I heard?"  
"No,"  
"I could hear you saying things that I might say, taking the role of a therapist. Suggesting **he** should talk so **he** could get things off **his** chest, saying you were there to listen, asking **him** to explain things that you didn't understand."  
"Yeah,"

"Are those things you were copying from your last therapist, or were those things you believe help people?"  
"My best friend used to say it to me,"  
"Your best friend **Blurryface**?"  
" **He's** not my friend." Tyler whispered quietly so that **he** couldn't hear.  
"Who is then Tyler?"  
"Josh, Josh is my best friend,"  
"And he asks you to get thing off your chest with him acting as a pair of ears?"  
"He can't talk anymore, he's got cancer,"  
"I'm s-"  
"Miss Arlidge, please can we not talk about him today?"  
"Of course Ty, you've done a good thing by asking,"  
"Thank you."

"Can I ask a question or would you like to go to your bedroom?"  
"I'm not allowed to leave therapy early,"  
"I'm a member of staff Ty, you've worked really hard today so I'll let you go if you'd like to, or alternatively we can keep talking."  
"So if I talk then I can leave early?" Tyler asked nervously.  
"Yes exactly. I read your file and sometimes you have silent sessions, don't you?"  
"I don't like being forced to talk about things, so I don't."  
"Do you like talking to me?"  
"Maybe," he whispered, not entirely sure yet. He looked over at **Blurry** and **he** was quiet, so maybe she was helping him?

"Another question or downtime?"  
"Can, can I listen?"  
"Okay I'll ask a question and if you don't like it then you can leave, does that sound okay?" She asked and he nodded honestly.

"Why do you think I gave you a stim tool when you asked for one for **Blurry**?"  
"I don't know,"  
"Maybe you thought **Blurry** needed one because you needed one, and it's easier to ask for **him** than to put yourself in a potentially vulnerable position,"  
"Maybe,"  
"Do you think that maybe you and **Blurryface** have some things in common?"  
"Maybe," he whispered, clicking his beads.  
"Can you name any? Even just 1?"  
"Well, um, uh, well, well **he** doesn't like me."  
"Do you like you?"  
"No," Tyler answered quicker than he probably should have done.

"What's something you don't like about yourself?"  
"I can't control my emotions at all."  
"Can **Blurry** control **his** emotions?"  
"Urm," Tyler thought, looking over at **Blurry** who was still crying in the corner, then his eyes drifted up to all the angry stabs in wall from **his** knife, and finally the engraved tallies further up. "No, no I don't think **he** can."  
"Would you say **he** was very emotional?"  
"Yeah, well, **he** only has a few emotions but **he** feels them very strongly."  
"What are those emotions Tyler?"  
"Um, anger, a lot of anger, hate, um, resentment, possessiveness and jealousy, are they emotions?"  
"Yes," she nodded, taking notes.

"Does **Blurry** get panicked Tyler?"  
"Sometimes,"  
"When?"  
"When things don't go **his** way, when I don't listen to **him** even after he threatens me or Mom or Josh. When I'm stupid and say bad things about **him**."  
"How do you feel when **he's** panicking or upset?"  
"Bad, I, I um, I want **him** to be okay,"  
"Does **he** want you to be okay?"  
"No."  
"So why do you want **him** to be okay?"  
"I don't know," Tyler sighed, clicking the beads.

"Can I share an observation I've made Tyler?"  
"Yeah,"  
"For the first half hour of our session, **he** was in control, wasn't **he**? **He** was here, **he** was scaring you, saying things to upset you,"  
"Yeah," he nodded.  
"And you weren't really talking to me. You looked at the desk and used gestures rather words whenever you could. You wouldn't even make eye contact."  
"Right,"

"Then you said something, I think you said that Jenna's nice and then added that **Blurryface** isn't, and that upset **him** didn't it?"  
"Yes."  
"Since then you've been in control Tyler, been expressing how you're feeling, explaining how **he** feels, looking me in the eye."  
"Oh,"  
"To me, you seem better when you've told **him** something **he** doesn't want to hear. To what extent do you agree with me?"  
"I, I, I dunno, sometimes it makes **him** angry, makes **him** hurt me,"  
"But sometimes it gives you power."  
"Miss Arlidge, please can I go to my room?" Tyler decided he had had enough, he couldn't hurt **Blurry** , if he did then **Blurry** would only hurt him in response.

"Okay Tyler, you did well today. I hope you have a good evening, and I'll see you tomorrow,"  
"Thank you," he said, standing up and putting the beads on her desk.  
"You can take them,"  
"Oh, thanks,"  
"And Ty?" She called as he put his hand on the door handle. "If you have a good night then I'll talk to the team about moving you from the acute wing and over to the main ward."

 

 

"Hi Laura, is now a good time?" Rebecca, Josh's nurse from Starlight, asked as she popped her head round the door. Laura had to force herself to look away from the shell in the bed and over to the woman.  
"Yeah, Ashley and Abi have gone to get some dinner in the cafe and Jordan's sleeping in the family room."  
"Perfect timing then," she smiled softly as she entered, then closed the door gently behind her. Laura watched as the nurse stood next to her son's bed and smiled at him.

"Josh sweetheart, it's Rebecca from Starlight ward, you're looking very handsome today. If it's okay then I'm going to talk to your mom for a bit. You can listen in if you want, but things we say might not sound very nice, so you can also imagine you're watching Fight Club. I know you Josh, you have that entire movie memorised. You let it play out in your head whilst I talk to Momma for a while," Rebecca said to him kindly and Laura was aware that he was too far gone to understand, but she appreciated the nurse's consideration.

"These chairs are much more comfy than the starlight staff room," she commented as she settled down next to Laura, turning it slightly so the women were facing each other.  
"Can't say they're great to be sleeping on,"  
"Are you sleeping in here at the moment?" Rebecca asked as she got out and unfolded a piece of paper from the large pocket of her nurse's uniform.  
"Yeah,"  
"Okay, has the unit allocated you a family room?"  
"Yes thank you," she nodded as Rebecca made a small note on the sheet that Laura could see had words on it but couldn't make out what they said in the dimly lit room. Dimmed for Josh's sake, not that he had any awareness.

"I take it that you're not using it because you want to be close to him?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Alright, understandable; if I could arrange to get a bed in here, would that be something you're interested in?"  
"It, uh, it would be nice but if it's a massive inconvenience then I can make do on the chair."  
"No no, not an inconvenience at all. But I'm gonna have to warn you that it's likely to be a camping bed or a crash mat rather than a king sized poster bed."  
"Thank you anyway," Laura said, watching her son's ridiculously slow shallow breaths as Rebecca noted something related down.

"I heard he had a major pleural effusion yesterday,"  
"Yeah," she nodded, trying not to think too hard about her boy's desperate chokes as his lungs filled with liquid.  
"Do you understand what happened and why Dr Casey performed the procedure he did?"  
"Yeah, fluid on his lungs,"  
"Yeah that's right, and they've left the drain in because there's quite a high chance of it happening again. Now, I know you've signed a DNR and are refusing scans, do you have an issue with the drain as a form of treatment?"  
"Is it uncomfortable for him?"  
"Conscious patients have often said it can be a little uncomfortable, but he's receiving local anaesthetic so it won't be painful, just a tad peculiar."  
"Could it be fatal? Without the drain?"  
"Yes." She nodded, waiting for Laura to contemplate the decision.

"But if, you know, that was how he went, he would essentially drown? Suffocate?"  
"Eventually exhaustion would set in so he wouldn't be coughing throughout, but I can't promise that it will be a comfortable way to pass."  
"Keep the drain in then," Laura sighed, watching her poor boy.  
"There is a high risk of infection,"  
"He almost always as an infection of some sort, he's a brave kid, he'll cope with it."  
"He certainly is," Rebecca agreed as she made another note on her sheet.

"I don't know if it's on your agenda or not,"  
"No no go ahead, I'm here to talk about anything." The nurse smiled, looking up from her paper.  
"I was wondering whether I could get my kids bereavement therapy? How would I go about that?"  
"One to one with a counsellor or all three together?"  
"Preferably one to one. Josh's best friend receives psychiatric treatment from Young Minds and I contacted them but they don't specialise in bereavement, so do you know of any services that do?"  
"Yes of course, I can get you all sorts of leaflets later but the main one I would recommend is called Cornerstone of Hope and they offer individual therapy and group sessions which are a great opportunity for the kids to understand that they're not alone in going through what they're going through. They have camps too, and dinners and activities and social events all through the year, it really becomes a safe place for them."  
"Yeah,"  
"And it's a charity so it's all free of charge,"  
"Great, thank you,"  
"I'll grab you a leaflet once we're done,"  
"Thanks Rebecca."

"Mouth care, how have you found being trained in that?" The nurse asked.  
"I've been doing it for him for a while whilst he was at home, but it's uh, it's nice to still be able to help,"  
"Feel connected to him?"  
"Exactly," Laura nodded.

"And the kids have been joining in too?"  
"Yeah, bless them, they've divided the jobs up between them. Ashley gives him the ice chips, Abi does the Chapstick and Jordan clean his mouth with the moist swabs,"  
"I'm glad they're all looking after him, I think they'll be grateful to have played a role when they look back."  
"I agree," Laura nodded whilst looking at Josh and thinking of her other babies having to nurse him.

"What are your thoughts on location? I think the presumption is that you'll be staying on ICU, but if you had any desires to move him to Starlight or Noah's Ark Children's Hospice or even back to your home then we'll do our best to accommodate that."  
"No no, he um, he wanted to be at home and I feel awful for not being able to do that one thing for him, but I don't think he's strong enough for travelling."  
"I agree, ICU it is. And Laura, don't feel bad, you kept him at home for as long as you possibly could and he'll be thankful for that."  
"I hope so," she sighed, watching him.

"The next thing I want to talk to you about is hydration and nutritional support."  
"Right,"  
"We have the option of withdrawing both, would you like to discuss that?"  
"Please," Laura nodded.  
"First thing's first, it is legal. It's not euthanasia because we're not actively triggering his passing, instead we're allowing the cancer to take its natural path."  
"Okay,"

"It essentially involves stopping providing him with any fluid or nutrition, so no IV and no TPN. With his prognosis neither are likely to significantly extend or sustain his life, but by removing them it will probably bring his time forward a bit and help him to pass a little sooner."  
"So starve him?"  
"He's got intestinal failure, he wouldn't starve, he just wouldn't have that extra energy and strength. He can't feel hunger, don't worry Laura. But dehydration has a faster impact than malnourishment,"  
"Would he feel thirsty then?"  
"There's been a lot of research into it and it's very very unlikely. We'd still continue with mouth care, so he won't have a dry tongue or lips,"  
"Okay good."

"Water deprivation actually increases the body’s production of these chemicals called endogenous opiates that create a euphoric state and have been associated with a reduction in pain."  
"Oh, so it might help him in a way," Laura hummed, unsure of what to do.  
"Exactly, and intravenous hydration can have a negative impact on quality of life for someone like Josh by increasing pulmonary secretions, nausea, vomiting, and edema."

"Do you think I should withdraw?" She sighed.  
"Honestly?" Rebecca asked and Laura nodded. "It's not going to make a huge amount of difference comfort wise, he won't feel hunger or thirst or any other discomfort. However letting him go a few hours earlier is going to make all the difference to him with regards to pain that can't be stifled by drugs. If it were me? I'd withdraw."  
"Do it." The mother nodded tearfully.  
"You'd like to withdraw nutrition and hydration?"  
"Yes." She decided, biting her lip and looking over at Josh as she wrote it down.

"I'm sorry baby," she whispered to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the technical term is filler? Sorry... Bear with me X
> 
> P.S HDS video just dropped and omfg... My heart...


	23. Chapter 23

"Oh Mom look, he's bubble blowing!" Abi exclaimed happily as saliva ran from between Josh's lips in small bubbles.  
"Oh yeah,"  
"Having fun Joshie? Making bubbles?" She cooed from his bedside with a smile.  
"Wipe him darling,"  
"There we go JJ, nice and dry," his youngest sister told him as she carefully mopped up the drool from his chin with a tissue.  
"Just be careful sweetie, watch his airway, this might be how a seizure presents itself now." Laura warned her concerned, knowing that Josh always drooled whilst seizing.

"He hasn't got T-Rex claws," Abi told her mom after looking under the blanket and seeing that his hands hadn't tensed up like they usually did during a seizure.  
"I don't think he can get them anymore sweetie, his brain isn't talking to his body very much." She explained to her youngest child in response.  
"Well as long as you're happy Joshie, that's all that matters. If bubbles make you happy then make more bubbles if you can,"

"When he was little he always loved bubbles."  
"Oh yeah?"  
"Yeah for his fourth birthday he had a bubble themed party. We got a specialist circus act in that made those huge bubbles, and she made one around him and he had this absolutely massive grin on his face. Then all his little friends got pots of bubbles and they played with them for hours and hours, not getting bored for even a moment." Laura remembered fondly. "The floor of the house was sloppy with bubble liquid for weeks, but at least they had fun."  
"Yeah, bless him, you're having fun with bubbles now aren't you JJ?"

"Abi,"  
"Yeah?"  
"Can you come and sit next to me a minute?"  
"Yeah," the young girl nodded, wiping Josh one more time then walking from his bedside over to the chair next to her.

"I spoke to your dad,"  
"Is he okay?"  
"Yes, he was quite pleasant to me actually. I was just wondering whether you'd like to go and stay with him again? He's says you're more than welcome."  
"Now?"  
"Well that's for us to decide sweetheart. Do you want to be here when Josh goes?"  
"I, I, I don't know,"   
"I want you to know Abi that nobody will think badly of you if you don't want to be here, nothing like that at all. I know that both your siblings want to be in the hospital, but Ashley isn't sure she can be in the room. If you'd like to stay outside with her then that's okay, or in here with Jord and me, or in Toledo with Dad. Josh won't mind, you've done a lot for him and he's very grateful, so your decision is down to you and nobody else's opinion matters."

"If, if I did go to Toledo, could I um, could I still come to the funeral?"  
"Of course baby, of course. I've agreed with your father that he can come to the funeral but not the wake, so he could bring you if that's what you decide you'd like."  
"I want to go to the wake."  
"Well I'm sure Dad won't mind waiting for you, or if he wants to get home then I'll pay for a taxi to take you back."

"Abi there's another thing," Laura said when her daughter didn't speak. "I've arranged some therapy for you guys, one to one with a grief counsellor and also a support group. Ashley's starting tomorrow, Jordan's going to wait until we leave the hospital to start."  
"Could I get it in Toledo?"  
"Dad thinks there's a grief group after his AA meeting but he's going to find out for us."  
"Okay," she hummed, clearly still processing.

"Sweetheart you don't need to make your mind up now."  
"I wanna stay Mom, I, I wanna be here, with you, with Josh."   
"Okay darling, that's very brave of you,"

 

 

When Tyler entered the therapy office, he was immediately attracted to the chess set on Dr Arlidge's desk. The woman closed the door behind him then smiled as they sat down, and Tyler noticed there was an extra chair next to him.   
"Tyler, we're going to try something a bit different today. Is **Blurry** here?"  
"Yes," Tyler told her, watching as the figure ran **his** black finger along a bookcase on one wall, collecting the dust. Even the innocent action scared him, even the innocent action intimidated him.  
"Can you invite **him** to sit down?"  
"What?"  
 **"She's playing games Tyler, she's got a plan to hurt you, she's on my team, we're going to hurt you,"**  
"Invite **him** to sit next to you please,"  
"I, I don't understand."

"Tyler, does **Blurryface** know everything that you know?"  
"No, **he** , **he** can't read minds, **he** , **he's** just, **he** can guess what I'm thinking sometimes," he stuttered.  
 **"I know how to make you squirm, that's all that matters."**  
"So let's say I wanted to tell you a secret, if I wrote on a secret note and let you read it but not **Blurry** , would that work?"  
"I, I, I think so?" Tyler said anxiously, not sure what was happening.   
"Okay, I thought that might be the case so I've written a top secret plan and I want you to read it, but don't let **Blurry** see okay? Read it then fold it so **he** can't look."  
 **"Tyler don't trust her, DON'T TRUST HER!" Blurry** began to panic.  
"Okay." Tyler nodded, then the therapist slid a folded sheet across to him. He opened it discreetly.

_We're going to make friends with **Blurry**._

"No! No, that won't work." He shook his head adamantly, hurriedly stuffing it in his pocket so **Blurry** couldn't see.  
"Why not? Have you tried it before?"  
"No, I just, no I know, it just won't,"  
"So what's your plan Tyler?" She asked and he shrugged. " **Blurry** , please will you sit down next to Tyler?"  
 **"Tyler, is it a trap?" He** asked and Tyler could feel anxiety threatening to climb up his throat and choke him, stuck between what was right and what was wrong but not knowing which was which.

"No, it's safe, she won't hurt us," he eventually murmured.   
**"If you're lying then you'll be the one paying the price, you sack of crap," he** spat bitterly but sat beside him, Dr A smiling reassuringly again.   
" **He's** sitting,"  
"Good, thank you Tyler, thank you **Blurry**."  
 **"Tell that bitch to stop talking to me, I only talk to you."**  
"Miss A, I'd um, I'd feel more comfortable if you didn't talk directly to **him**."  
"Okay Tyler, thank you for telling me."

 **"What the fuck is going on? Tell her to hurry the fuck up and get on with it. Sick of this shit already."**  
"What happens next?"  
 **"I'm bored, you have to entertain me, your pain entertains me. Wanna play?"**  
"We're going to play chess Tyler, me versus you and **Blurry**. You need to work as a team. If you win then you can have two new stim toys from my box."  
"And if we lose?"  
"You only get one," she smiled. "Sound like a deal?"  
"Okay,"

"I'll warn you both though, I was state champion when I was a sophomore."  
 **"Fucking nerd."**  
"That's cool," he whispered quietly as he moved his first piece.  
"Although I heard you've got some good plays too, Young Minds reigning champion?"  
 **"You have no skills."**  
"Yeah, but um, I'm not good, just luck I guess."  
"You seem pretty good to me Tyler," she smiled as she played her turn.

"Can **Blurry** play?"  
 **"Is the Pope a catholic?"**  
"Yes, **he's** much better than me."  
 **"Very good baby boy, very good,"**  
"At chess?"  
"At everything," Tyler replied quietly as he took her piece.

"What are you good at Tyler?"  
 **"Hurting people."**  
"I, I um, I don't know,"  
"Well what do you enjoy?"  
 **"Cutting."**  
"Spending time with Josh, my best friend."  
 **"I gave him caaanncceeerrrr," Blurryface** sang tunefully and Tyler had to swallow hard.

"Yeah, what else?"  
"Basketball."  
"You play basketball? Tell me about that." Dr A smiled as she moved her bishop.  
"I'm pointguard for my school, um, and uh, and somehow I'm captain."  
 **"You've let your whole team down."**  
"So that's something you're good at Tyler, sounds like you're really good."  
 **"She's lying."**

"My um, my parents are coaches." Tyler whispered.  
"What's that like then? Strict?"  
"There's uh, a lot of um, a lot of expectation I guess? But Mom is gentle with me, careful not to push me too far."  
"And Dad?"  
 **"Dead."**  
"He wants me to get a scholarship, so um, so he likes me to train but if I say that I'm having a bad day then he'll let me off."  
"And do you Tyler? Do you tell people when you're having a hard time?"  
 **"You don't have a FUCKING CLUE WHAT HARD IS! YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING YET!"**  
"No not really," he murmured.

"Who notices when you're having a hard time then?"  
"Josh used to, my mom, uh, my brother Zack. My girlfriend too."  
 **"Tyler you're literally composing a list of people for me to kill. You're a FUCKING IDIOT! STOP TALKING."**  
"They're your support network then Tyler, you can fall back on them for help whenever you need it."  
"Mmm,"

"Good move," she smiled as he took her rook. "Was that you or **Blurry**?"  
"Me,"  
"Has **he** helped you make any moves yet?"  
"No,"  
"Can you ask **him** to get more involved please?"  
" **Blur** , please, I value your input." Tyler told **him** , knowing the route to **his** heart.  
 **"Bullshit you do."**  
"I do, please, I um, I need your help."  
 **"You need me?" Blurry** said, asking a genuine question that made Tyler feel oddly powerful.   
"Yes, can you help me please?"  
 **"Okay,"**

" **Blurry's** turn?" Dr A smiled, and Tyler nodded, waiting for **Blurry** to make a decision.  
 **"Pawn to D4,"**  
"Sure?" Tyler said doubtfully.  
 **"DO YOU NOT FUCKING TRUST ME?!"**  
"Okay, sorry," he back-pedalled, then did as **he** said.  
 **"I am aware that the pawn doesn't give check, but now our bishop can deliver the blow. And that bitch's king has no legal moves, whilst our bishop is safe from capture, so interposition is the only option."**  
"Oh yeah," he smiled as he realised what **Blurry** was thinking. "Well done **Blur** ,"  
 **"Don't flirt with me baby boy," he** sighed, but Tyler noticed an ever so slight smile.

 

  
Patrick watched Pete's chest rise and fall as small snores escaped his slightly open lips. He resisted the urge to reach out and stroke his boyfriend's hair, afraid to wake him from his light sleep. Pete didn't sleep anymore, not a proper night anyway, he just napped occasionally when his mind couldn't fight the pure exhaustion any longer. And therefore Patrick didn't sleep anymore, he couldn't.

Lunch had been another bad meal. Pat had made them both pasta, with tomato sauce and little bits of cut up ham just how Pete liked. But Pete's bowl remained untouched and more of his tears had been spilled than pieces Patrick had had time to eat himself.

He didn't know what evil words were being whispered into his poor poor boyfriend's ear but they were relentless. If sailing the seven seas would ease them for just a moment then Patrick would do it without hesitation. He would do anything, and yet nothing seemed to work.

"Sshh, shhh you're okay, shh, shhh sweetheart," Patrick whispered as Pete whimpered and twisted. Nightmare.

Nightmare was a good way to describe their current situation, and Pat didn't see it ending anytime soon. There was no quick fix, no way to make everything better, no perfect solution. He knew he had to admit him, but Pete was refusing and right now Patrick didn't have the guts to break his boyfriend's fragile heart.

Patrick's ear pricked as he heard the sound of Pete's front door open, but relaxed again as he realised that it was 3pm and Jenna was due. In his heart he knew she was vulnerable and he shouldn't rely on her for respite, but he was desperate and she had told him she needed to keep busy. Her delicate footsteps echoed down the long halls of the mansion and finally he made tired eye contact with her as she entered.

"Hi,"  
"Hey, thanks for not knocking," he whispered as she put her bag down on the coffee table.  
"It's okay," she smiled quietly. "How's today been so far?"  
"Not good."  
"Could he take his medication?"  
"No," Patrick sighed silently.  
"I'm sorry darling,"

"How's Ty?" He asked, careful not to make unnecessary sound as his boyfriend twisted on the couch again.  
"Kelly saw him today and he's doing a tiny bit better actually, yeah, didn't lash out at her."   
"That's good."

"And I heard from Ashl- shhh Pete, you're okay, shhh," Jenna began, then comforted Pete as he whimpered again. "Heard from Ashley, Josh is still with us,"  
"Fighter,"  
"Mmm," she agreed, watching Pete closely.

"Do you want to go for a shower? I'll watch him." Jenna offered but Patrick knew he couldn't leave him.  
"Can't Jen,"  
"You ought to, or at least go for a walk."  
"If he wakes up and I'm gone then he'll panic, I'll wait till he's up."  
"Then he'll beg you not to go, you know that Pat."  
"I don't want to leave him,"  
"What would J say?" She asked him.  
"Tell me to take 20,"  
"Exactly,"

"It's not that easy," he sighed, rubbing his eyes exhausted.  
"I know Pat, I know. Tyler has a whole family supporting him and I still struggle to leave him, I can't even begin to comprehend what this must be like for you. But at the end of the day you still need to look after yourself too. You need to be okay."  
"I can't be okay if he's not."  
"You're at breaking point Pat, this can't go on."  
"I'll be far worse if he succeeds in killing himself." Pat stated bluntly and Jenna sighed sadly then held out a hand for him to hold. He did, so she hugged herself into his side on the couch.

"He's gotta go into hospital Pat, he's got to."  
"I know."  
"I'll help you do it, help you tell him, help you arrange the paper work, whatever you need."  
"He's gonna fight it." He sighed, still hushed so not to wake him.   
"Yeah he will, but he doesn't know what's best for him right now. One day he'll understand."  
"He's gonna hate me."  
"It won't be him, it'll be the bipolar okay? Just like it's not Ty who lashes out. Functions of an illness, that's all it is. They'll both get better and they'll be able to love us properly."

"Pat!" Pete suddenly sat up with a gasp, hands immediately shooting up to his hair and grabbing.  
"I'm here, I'm here Pete, I'm here," Patrick comforted him straight away, moving from Jenna's side and over to him, pulling the already crying man into a hug.

"Why did you chase me?!" He sobbed, trying to pull out of his boyfriend's embrace.  
"It was just a dream sweetheart, deep breaths,"  
"No! No, no don't touch me," Pete desperately squirmed.   
"Pete sweetheart, you're safe," Jenna attempted to soothe him but he continued to hyperventilate and writhe tearfully.   
"Let me GO!"   
"No because you're going to hurt yourself Pete. It's me sweetheart, it's me, it's Pat, look at me, Pete look at me," he said calmly and firmly, holding his boyfriend's bandaged wrist as he twisted and tried to run away.

"OWW," Pete whimpered tearfully and Patrick knew he must be pressing on a cut but not wanting to loosen his grip in case Pete escaped and did something worse.  
"Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz the third, look at me handsome man," Jenna smiled softly, standing up and levelling with him whilst placing a gentle hand on his cheek. "Your boyfriend loves you very much, and the last thing in the world that he would do is chase you. Look around the room, it's different from where you were getting chased, isn't it? You're in a different place Pete, you're awake now. You were having a nightmare but it's not real and Patrick wasn't chasing you. He loves you and I think he'd like a cuddle. Would you like a cuddle?"  
"Uh huh," Pete nodded, suddenly crying sadly rather than fearfully.

"Come on baby, it's okay," Patrick sighed as Pete nestled into his side, squeezing himself up into a sobbing ball. "I'll never chase you, I'm going to look after you I promise,"  
"Nobody else," he begged.  
"I'm gonna look after you however I can P," Patrick reassured him with a gulp.

 

 

"Okay last on the patient list is Tyler Joseph," the ward manager read from his file, then looked up at the room of mental health workers and doctors and therapists as they came close to the conclusion of their daily debriefing.

"Refused breakfast and lunch again but had a decent attempt at dinner, I'd say he ate just over half." Mark reported.  
"Yeah ditto for medication, refused morning and noon so it had to be administered against his will via syringe. However he willingly took evening meds." Louise, the woman in charge of drugs, told the room.

"How was his visit?"   
"His mom Kelly came for an hour at 11 and it was better than previous visits because he didn't push or shove today, but still not great. Kelly was quite cautious around him, didn't want to sit on the bed, didn't offer him hugs, didn't offer any form of physical contact at all actually."  
"And that's abnormal behaviour for her?"  
"Yeah she's usually very hands on with him, however the incident yesterday where he pushed her into the door handle has presumably hurt her significantly, so I'm saying that caution is logical."  
"But no displays of violence today?"  
"Not directed at others but there was an episode of head banging and also several angry kicks and punches against the wall."

"Is self injuring confined to hitting his head?"  
"There was a lot of scratching too, and a small amount of blood was drawn."  
"So we all agree that he needs to remain on observations and on the acute wing?"

"Actually I've had a positive session with him today, and I'd like to see how he does on the main unit." Dr Arlidge spoke up.  
"Go on,"  
"Rather than a conventional therapy session we played chess together, and I asked him to team up with **Blurryface** \- his hallucination. Initially he was quite against the idea, and the hallucination was causing him trouble, but as the session went on and we played and he won more and more games, he relaxed a little. We talked casually whilst his mind was otherwise focused and he let a few things slide that have definitely helped me to understand what's going on for him."

"What was the thinking behind involving **Blurry**?" Mark asked Dr A.  
"Throughout his treatment for the hallucination he has been told to fight **him** , to defeat **him** , to challenge and rival **him** , and I don't think that's the kind of person Tyler is. He's anxious and he's not confrontational and he's not confident in himself or what he's standing for, so fighting something that is braver and stronger than him is a losing battle basically. Without his friend Josh there to constantly reassure him and tell him that he's doing the right thing, I don't see Tyler getting to a strong enough place to actually take control of the hallucination. However is he befriends it, takes away that element of fear and intimidation and essentially breaks down the hold that **Blurry** has over him, then it's going to be a fight that he's likely to win. That, or he'll be able to hopefully live alongside it peacefully."  
"Hmm, interesting." Mark listened, seeming genuinely intrigued and hopeful.

"It's unconventional which worries me slightly because conventional methods worked for Tyler during his last admission, who's to say they won't work again?" The ward manager said.  
"It's still early days but I think Mark and Louise have already given evidence that it's having a positive impact on him. Our session was this afternoon and afterwards he ate half of his dinner and took his medication."  
"True,"

"What about the scratching though? That was this evening." Mark piped up again.  
"Tyler actually revealed to me that it's a stimming technique he uses when he doesn't have a tool to hand. A constant rhythm and sensation against his skin, he finds it soothing."

"Okay you've convinced me, let's put him on a 24 hour trial on the main unit. But please, let's make sure that he has access to a stimming tool at all times and that he's on close observations to watch for any sign of struggling." The ward manager announced and Dr Arlidge felt oddly proud of Ty.  
"Thank you." She replied.

"Okay last on the agenda, we have a new patient joining us tomorrow morning at 9am by the name of Peter Wentz. He's spent time on Young Minds before and attends outpatient clinic, so those of you who also work there will know him. For those who don't, he has bipolar type 2 and is currently going through a depressive episode that's triggering self harm and suicide attempts, and he's also having some brief psychotic episodes."   
"Medicated?"  
"Prescribed but currently refusing. Also there's some issues going on at home and he's had a dispute with his parents, so he's currently living with and being cared for by his partner. His partner has the funds to admit Peter, however he's not his legal guardian so he'll be admitted as an emergency case until we can liaise with his guardian for their consent."

"Also, sorry Tim, also he is a close friend of Tyler's. They attend school together and are in the same social group, so that's something that needs to be considered." Mark raised the valid point.  
"Is he being admitted into the acute wing or the ward?" Dr Arlidge asked.  
"Ward. As far as I'm aware he hasn't been violent towards others so there's no need for the acute wing at this stage."  
"Then can I request that Pete and Tyler are made roommates please? Tyler's anxiety is sky high over roommates since the unfortunate loss of Gerard Way, his previous, so I feel it would make the transition smoother for them both if they're put together."  
"Okay we'll trial them together and review how the partnership works at tomorrow's meeting."


	24. Chapter 24

As soon as Laura woke up, she could tell something was wrong. The gurgling sounds from Josh's chest as he heaved each laboured breath were louder than usual, and her poor boy was drenched in far more sweat than usual. Although she knew he was too fragile to be stroked, she carefully pressed her palm to his forehead and immediately hissed at the heat radiating onto her hand.

"Oh baby," she exclaimed softly. "It's the last one, I promise, last infection then you're done sweetheart, no more. Josh you don't have to fight this one darling, you don't have to fight it. You're so close to being free from this baby, just relax, don't fight it."

Laura retracted her touch from his boiling head and instead leant against the side of his bed, watching sadly. She wanted so desperately to rummage under the blanket and find his hand and grip it tightly, to let him know that she was still there, to let him know that he wasn't alone, to let him know that she was going to by his side through the next few hours, but she couldn't. The days of not touching due to risk of infection were gone, but now they were battling through the days where gripping his hand would break his hand, and the mother couldn't put her baby through anymore pain.

"I know you're tired J, I'm tired just watching you. If the breathing is too hard then it's okay baby, take a break, go and see your Nana in Heaven. Say hey to her from me, okay darling? You two are going to have so much fun together baby, you're going to be able to do everything that you can't down here. Think of all the things you'll get up to, hey? Go on big adventures and do amazing things, enjoy yourself baby," Laura told her son, wiping away her suddenly fast flowing tears.

"I know exactly what you're like Joshua William, always thinking of others, but I want you to focus on you once you get up to Heaven. You'll be in paradise honey, paradise, everything you deserve after all this pain. Please don't think about us, don't feel guilty or upset or miss us baby, the best thing you can do for us is enjoy yourself. You'll be in our hearts forever and one day we'll be together again, okay J? But until then, have fun darling."

"I'm excited for you honestly Josh, God must have something really big planned for you that He's chosen to take you up to Him so early. And whatever He's chosen you for, I know you'll be perfect for it and you'll put your all into it because that's just who you are. You're brave and hardworking and," she said, fading off as Nurse Matthews entered.

"Good morning,"  
"Hi," Laura sniffed, sitting up straight.  
"How did you sleep?" The woman asked as she took Josh's clipboard off the end of his bed and began noting down measurements from the monitors behind him.  
"Fine thanks, um, he's really hot, got a fever,"  
"Oh okay, Josh, I'm just going to take your temperature, might feel a bit odd." She said as she took a device out of the trolley in the room and placed the sensor in the sick teen's ear.

"107.3,"  
"Oh Josh," Laura had to resist gasping as she covered her mouth in horror. He had just about fought off fevers of that severity before but it had drained him of all his strength, taking him from as strong as he could be and dragging him right down to hospitalisation, and Laura knew he didn't have anywhere to fall, didn't have any strength to sap, didn't stand a chance.

"His hands and feet are cold, very cold, which means his circulation is poor." The nurse went on to say as she retracted her hand from under the blanket.  
"Heart's shutting down," Laura murmured.  
"It won't be long now Laura, is there anything I can do for you aside from Josh?"  
"Just make sure he's comfy," she whispered tearfully.  
"Of course, let me go get some more pain relief and we'll keep him topped up to the max." The nurse replied, then left the room in search of morphine.

"Did you hear that baby? Not long now, not much longer," she told her son, leaning back down against the side of the bed as her eyes streaked tears down her already salty cheeks. She couldn't imagine what she looked like, days without a shower or going outside, only managing a few mouthfuls from the meals her kids brought her, eyes most likely bloodshot and swollen from hours of crying. But that didn't matter, nothing mattered in comparison to her baby.

"And you know what Josh? If it still seems too far away, if holding on is too hard and you're in too much pain and you just need to go then that's okay, Mom understands. It's okay, you can let go Josh, Nana's waiting for you, just let go,"

 

 

"Dallon! You've got a guest!" He heard his mom call up the stairs, and immediately groaned because who the hell woke up on a Saturday morning? The morning literally invented for sleep? But with yet a other groan, he rolled out of bed and pulled a black hoodie on to match his back boxers, then half ran half fell down the stairs.

"Guest darling," she smiled again as he walked over to the door, still rubbing his eye. He turned and saw Brendon, and could immediately tell that he was far from okay.  
"Thanks Mom,"  
"Have fun boys," she said, then walked off.  
"Hey, you uh, you need to come in and talk?"  
"Dallon," Brendon just about managed to choke out before bursting into tears, and Dallon swooped him up into a tight hug and let those tears dampen his hoodie. And they stood like that for what seemed like hours as the homeowner gently rocked the crying man on the porch, until finally he was able to lift his tear stained face.

"Come on, it's cold out, let's warm you up," Dallon sighed, rubbing his back then leading him towards the kitchen gently. He sniffed a little as Dallon helped him onto a bar stool then walked around and flicked the kettle on.

"I'm, uh, I'm sorry," Brendon whispered as he pulled his hoodie sleeves past his hand and tugged on them.  
"Don't be ridiculous Bren, it's absolutely fine. Is it Josh? Did he pass away?"  
"No no, well, not that I know, I'm just overreacting and being dumb and shit why the fuck am I so fucking dumb?" He murmured whilst aggressively pulling the fabric with tear glazed eyes.  
"What happened?" Dallon asked quietly, pouring the warmed water into a mug with hot chocolate powder and stirring it as he walked over and sat next to Brendon. He took it between his cupped hands and stared at the swirling contents.

"Thanks,"  
"That's okay. You wanna talk about it?"  
"Ryan kissed me."  
"Oh Bren," Dallon sighed, "Are you okay?"  
"What do you think?" He sighed as well, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. "I punched him."  
"He deserved it, he shouldn't have forced himself on you."

"I um, yesterday was another bad one, I tried really hard to stay sober like you said Dall, I tried, I really tried,"  
"I know you did, it's okay I believe you," he reassured him with a hand to his back.  
"But I just couldn't, I was scared, the meds were locking me up and I was freaking myself out and I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry,"  
"I understand, it's okay, what happened next?"  
"I drank and drank and I was off my face Dallon, I barely remember my thought process but it ended up with Ryan, it always ends with Ryan. And, and you weren't there, nobody was there and I didn't know how to stop myself. I had my phone in my hand and I was just scrolling through the list of people that I couldn't turn to. Everyone has their own problems, bigger than this pathetic crap, that or they don't care about anything except my parties."  
"What about me B? You've got me."  
"You, you stayed with me Thursday, I um, don't wanna burden you twice. Well, too late I guess."  
"Burden? Brendon you're my best friend, okay? You're not a burden. You are not a burden. Understand? I don't care what time of day it is or how many consecutive days we've been together, you can always call me." Dallon insisted but Brendon didn't seem convinced.

"I called him. I um, I don't remember what I said but I called him and then a couple of minutes later he was there beside me, in my room, and he had the bottle and he took a sip from it, then he pushed it to my mouth and poured between my lips until I couldn't take anymore, then he threw it aside. I swallowed down the vodka and he ran his hand through my hair, he um, he told me something, said that he was glad I called, that um, that he was ready to forgive me, and uh, and something else along those lines."  
"I hate this guy, I actually hate him," he shook his head angrily as Brendon teared up again.  
"He called me beautiful, he, he said he missed me," Brendon said, pitch increasing until eventually he cut off with a squeak and let a few tears run down his face and fall then ripple on the surface of the otherwise untouched hot chocolate.

"I didn't push him away, I should have stopped him, Jesus Christ I shouldn't have even called him, I'm such a fucking idiot,"  
"Oi, listen to me, this isn't your fault. You were in a bad place and you weren't able to think clearly and all you knew was that you needed to feel loved and part of you still loves him so it's only natural to automatically turn to him. You can't help that, okay? He should have known so much better, not you. He's in the wrong, not you."

"He played with my hair, said that um, that I haven't been taking good care of myself, that uh, that he would have taken good care of me."  
"Manipulation Brendon,"  
"I know. He um, he ran his hand through it then moved it down to my neck and rubbed me with his thumb. I told him to stop, batted him away with my arm, but he just laughed and called me cute, then did it again and I didn't stop him."  
"Fucking Hell Bren,"  
"And I don't know why I didn't stop him."  
"Because you were drunk Brendon, you weren't in control, you couldn't. He took advantage of that."

"He kept caressing me and then suddenly he crashed his lips against mine but it just didn't feel right, he was pushing so hard and he had his grip on the back of my neck and I couldn't pull back because he just forced me closer. I tried to escape but he was pushing so hard and it was hurting, he hurt me. When he momentarily let himself take a breath, I managed to kick him in the shin then shove him then yeah, saw red, punched him."  
"That's fucking horrific of him,"  
"He spat blood on my shirt, called me an ungrateful cunt, said that I didn't deserve him and I'm a self destructive twat but nobody cares enough to intervene, a-and, and he said, Dallon he said that nobody will ever put up with somebody as fucked in the head as me." Brendon cried. "He left and I drank more and eventually passed out until this morning and now I can't stop crying,"

"Come here," Dallon sighed, heartbroken for him as he pulled him into another hug. "He doesn't deserve you, he does not deserve you Brendon. Not because you're a burden, but because you are 1000 times better than that piece of shit will ever be. He sexually abused you, okay?! It is illegal and-"  
"I assaulted him,"  
"You were protecting yourself from a predator, a vicious disgusting scumbag. He is vile and you have to ignore him, block out everything he said and did, get him out of your mind and out of your life."  
"I, I love him," Brendon broke down and Dallon had to work hard to control his own tear ducts.

"I know Brendon, but you won't always love him. It won't always be like this I promise, he won't always have this hold over you. One day you won't even remember what he looks like, okay? He's just an asshole in your past, Sarah's the future now. You've got Sarah and me and everyone else, we're gonna help you through this I promise. Anything you need, I'm here. Ryan is scum and you will get over him I guarantee."

 

 

"Good morning everyone, I hope you're all in good health and have managed well this week. Now, before we begin, we've got two new members of our family today, Ashley, Abigail, would you like to introduce yourselves? If you'd like to say why you're here then that's your choice, just as if you don't feel ready to share then that's okay too." The woman running the grief group said, and Ashley felt the eyes of the 10 or 11 other kids in the room all stare at her. Despite feeling like the walls were closing in, she knew she needed to be there and needed to talk and needed to throw herself straight in and be honest with the group.

"Hi, um, I'm Ashley, I'm 16 and my big brother Josh has terminal cancer. He's uh, he was diagnosed with osteosarcoma, tumour in his knee, just over 3 years ago and has since gone into remission but unfortunately it came back and has spread to a whole list of bones, plus his lungs, intestine and brain. He um, he's fought really hard but he's currently very ill in ICU and hasn't got long left, days at most. So yeah, I'm here with my sister Abi to hopefully help ourselves make the next few months a bit easier."  
"Thank you for choosing to share that with us Ashley and Abi, does anybody have anything they'd like to say back to the girls? And names please, let's give them a chance to get to know us." The leader, Mandy, said.

"Hi, I'm Lucy, firstly welcome to our dysfunctional family, then also thanks for telling us about Josh, he sounds like a very brave guy. From now on we're here to support you 100%, and at first talking here can be super daunting, I know that's how I found it during my first few sessions, but hopefully we'll make you feel as comfortable as possible as soon as possible. We've all been through similar stuff and we all understand what sort of things you'll be going through, so never be afraid to say what's on your mind or ask any questions. We all help each other out here," one girl told them, and Ashley forced a graceful smile at her.

"Thank you Lucy, and she's right girls, we're all here for each other in whatever way we can be. How sessions work are up to you, I don't come with a set agenda and it's not a matter of everybody speaking of answering or sharing, if you don't want to then that's alright. This is your time, your safe space to vent and to explore your feelings with the comfort and support of this lovely bunch." Maddy explained. "Has anybody got anything they'd like to begin with this week? Jack? I know you have something to share with the group, how would you feel about starting us off?"

"Jack," an older teenager introduced himself, waving at the the two new girls casually. "Yeah, so it's coming up to the seventh month anniversary of my girlfriend's car crash, and this week I pushed myself. I went with my best friend over to the cafe where we first met. She uh, Stephanie, she used to work there at the weekends and I used to go there to get coffee, and she always used to serve me and put a little love heart on my coffee cup. So yeah, it was a challenge, brought up a lot of emotions, but I'm glad I went."

"Jack, can you explore what those emotions were? What was going through your head?"  
"The hardest bit was walking in and seeing the back of a blonde barista's head and having to tell myself that it wasn't her. I knew it wasn't, couldn't be, but when she turned and her face was different it was like another kick in the gut. I dunno, a part of me still hoped that this isn't real, that it was her serving coffee and I've imagined the whole thing."  
"Yeah I can relate, I'm Lou by the way, but yeah same with you Jack, I see my dad all over the place. Whether it's someone with the same jacket he always used to wear, or a sniff of his cologne on a passing stranger, my mind automatically jumps and tells me that it's Dad. Then having to uh, to tell myself all over again that he's gone, it's like a constant reminder."

"Thank you for sharing that guys, has anyone got anything they'd like to add or say in response?"  
"My brother Josh, he um, when the cancer went away the first time he dyed his hair pink." Abigail spoke up, surprising Ashley a lot. "The other day I was with my, uh, my dad in Toledo and we went for a walk and there was a guy skateboarding with pink hair and I called out to him, shouted Josh. He's here in Columbus, he can't sit up let alone skate, he's got no hair, there was absolutely no way it could have been him, and yet for a brief moment I was so sure it was."  
"Well done Abi," Mandy praised her with a reassuring smile.

"Hi, I'm Lola. I know I always imagine my Mom how she was rather than how she is, a bit like you did Abi. She's got Motor Neurone Disease and she's still alive but only just, and sometimes I see her too. She's in a hospice, can't move, and all the time I see her in the park as a young woman, healthy and happy. I think it's normal,"

"Why do we think it's good to remember or imagine people as they were before they got sick?" Mandy asked the group.  
"It's happier,"  
"Easier,"  
"Let's me think about him without crying,"  
"Makes me smile."  
"Feel connected to her."

"Okay great, and why do we think it's bad to remember or imagine people as they were before they got sick?" She flipped the question around.  
"We might forget what they were really like."  
"Might not process things,"  
"Denial,"  
"Denial, yes, that's an important one, well done Cara." Mandy highlighted. "When loved ones are sick, it can be quite appealing to stick our fingers in our ears and go la la la this isn't happening, this isn't happening, if I don't think about it or look at what's going on in front of me then this isn't happening. And what do we know about denial?"  
"It makes eventual acceptance so much harder."  
"Exactly Jack,"

"I'm not denying she's sick, I'm not denying she will die one day, I just personally find it important to remember when she wasn't defined by MND. She's more that that, and she could show that when she was healthy." Lola said.  
"And that's okay Lola, because it's a personal thing for you. If personally you find it helpful to remember her and picture her in the park then that's a positive coping mechanism which I full endorse. And Abi, if seeing your brother as a healthy teen again felt good then that's not an issue. Coping mechanism only become problems when they cause us issues."  
"It upset me," Abi said quietly.  
"Jack, Lou, can you help Abi out at all?"

"It doesn't get easier, you just get better at coping with it. It might seem harsh but it's the truth. There's no magic thing any of us can say or do that will prepare you for seeing something that reminds you of your brother, or even his actual death. There's no quick fix, but you will get braver and stronger and better I promise. Coming here will help you to help yourself, but it doesn't solve everything. I think everyone will agree that we still have a sibling or parent or friend or partner shaped whole in our lives, and you can't fill it with other things or deny its existence, just over time you learn to accept it and to deal with it and to live alongside it. It will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do but that doesn't mean it has to tear you apart."

 

 

"Tyler,"  
"Mmm?" He hummed as he carefully stuck down a foam sticker on the numbered square of his mosaic.  
"When you've finished your picture, we're going to go back to your new room. Now, do you remember there were two beds?"  
**"Remember how you killed Gee?"**  
"Yeh,"  
"When we go back, there's going to be someone new there, a roommate." The nurse told him and suddenly Tyler felt sick to his core. Shit. Another one. Another one for him to love. Another one for him to trust. Another one for him to lose.

"Breathe sweetheart, it's Pete. Pete your friend from school, Pete Wentz." **  
**"Kill Fatty Patty's boyfriend, and if you're lucky then you'll take them both out. Two birds one stone."  
"I, I can't, no, I can't,"  
"Yes you can Tyler, you've got all your stim tools in the room, if you don't want to talk to him just yet then you can stim, alright? He's anxious as well, he won't be expecting a whole conversation if you're not feeling up to it."  
"You, you don't understand, no, I, I can't," Tyler shook his head profusely, anxious breaths rapidly heaving through his burning lungs.

"Pete's your friend swee-"  
"HE IS NOT MY FRIEND!" Tyler screeched suddenly, shoving the soft mosaic away from him and grabbing his hair between his fingers.  
**"Your only friend is Josh, and I gave him cancer."**  
"Tyler, Tyler let's go for a walk." Dr Arlidge said to him, hurrying across the arts and crafts room and over to Tyler and his nurse. Anger swirled with anxiety which swirled with fear and he just couldn't think straight, and didn't protest as the therapist guided him off his chair and out into the corridor.

"Let go of your hair please Tyler,"  
**"Let go and I'll kill Josh."**  
"Ty, here take this, fiddle with it rather than pulling your hair," Dr A instructed as she softly plied his trembling fingers from his dark locks and instead wrapped them around a piece of ribbon. Instinctively Tyler began twirling and pulling and rubbing the soft soft fabric over his hands and the soft soft felt good good.

"Perfect, great job Ty, and thank you to **Blurry** for letting you do that," she smiled but Tyler couldn't concentrate on anything except the soft soft. "It's a cold day, but do you think it would help if we took a walk in the garden?"  
**"Say yes."**  
"Yes."  
**"Then we're only one fence away from freedom baby boy."**  
"Then what?" Tyler asked **him** quietly.  
**"Then we kill Josh. Obviously. I said if you let go then he dies, SO HE FUCKING DIES."**  
"Miss A, no," he changed his mind, suddenly turning 180 and walking in the opposite direction of the door to the garden.  
**"FUCKING IDIOT! I GAVE JOSH CANCER, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT I WON'T DO IT TO MOMMY?! MOMMY'S NEXT, YEAH, PRECIOUS MOMMY'S NEXT,"**  
"I need to go outside," Tyler decided again shakily, turning once again.  
"Tyler, Tyler look at me." She instructed, putting a hand on his bicep and making his entire body tense up. She was going to hit him, he knew she was.

"Don't hurt me," he squeaked tearfully.  
"I will never hurt you, nobody here is going to hurt you. Not me, not Pete, not **Blurryface**. You're safe Tyler,"  
**"Pa! Not true,"**  
"PETE ISN'T MY FRIEND! I HATE HIM!" Tyler erupted once again.  
"Would you like to go to my office and talk about it?"  
**"She'll lock you in there,"**  
"Stay AWAY FROM ME!"  
"You're overstimulated Tyler, too much is going on at once, it's too much to take in. Would you like to sit in my office to calm down? It's quiet and slow and peaceful, and you'll be able to focus on the ribbon."  
**"It's a trap. Go to your room."**

"I, I need to go."  
"Where are you going Tyler?" Dr A asked as she followed him down the corridor he had hurriedly turned down.  
**"She's hunting you."**  
"Stop chasing me!"  
"I'm not chasing Ty, I'm looking out for your best interest."  
"STOP LOOKING AT ME!" He howled through tear blurred vision whilst half running half stumbling towards his room. Towards Pete.

 **"Remember what he said?" Blurry** reminded him as he hastily made his way towards their room. **"He said Josh would forget you, and what happened? He forgot you."**  
"I know **Blur** ," **  
**"No you don't! You don't understand! Listen to me! I'm helping! After all, I am your friend, aren't I?" He said slyly, a manipulative grimace sculpting his evil expression.  
"Yes." **  
**"He knew he'd forget you. He knew he'd not be able to speak. Isn't that suspicious to you Tyler? He knew, he's an inside man, he knew, he knew because he was a part of it, he knew because..."  
"He did it,"  
**"Exactly Tyler, Pete did it." Blurryface** told him, and Tyler snapped as he threw his bedroom door open and it crashed into the wall behind.

And there he was, the man who put his best friend in hospital. He was huddled on the edge of his bed, tears rolling - guilty tears Tyler suspected - down his face as wide eyes looked up at him terrified. Good, he should be afraid, nobody hurts Josh and gets away with it. Tyler grabbed the other end of the ribbon with his other hand then shoved Pete down onto the bed and pressed the tight chord across his throat.

"You're gonna fucking pay for what you did," he growled as Pete struggled to breathe, choking and kicking and trying escape Tyler's ungiving hold on his neck.

 

 

Chris put the phone down and walked through from the hall and into the kitchen where Zack and Kelly were sat. Zack was concentrating on the test he was taking at the table, putting pencil marks next to his response to each question of the intensive schizophrenia screening assessment that Mark had given him to do. His mother on the other hand sat back and sipped a glass of water anxiously.

"Who was on the phone?" She asked as he entered.  
"Young Minds."  
"Is Ty okay?" Zack asked panicked.  
"Yeah, but can I have a quick word Kel?"  
"You can talk in front of me, please," Zack said, not wanting to be left out of the loop.  
"Sweetheart you carry on with the assessment, I'll talk to Dad next door." Kelly told him, then stood up and followed Chris into the living room. Only once the door was closed did he begin to speak.

"Ty attacked Pete,"  
"Oh God," the mother gasped, covering her mouth.  
"Don't worry, they're both okay, Dr Arlidge stopped him before anyone got seriously hurt but Tyler's been moved back to the acute wing and put back on constant supervision."  
"Right,"  
"When he attacked him he tried to strangle him with a ribbon stim toy, so the unit are taking all his stim toys away for review."  
"They can't, he needs them Chris. I know he's sick but he's so much worse without them, he needs them."  
"I know sweetheart, I tried to tell them but they said the risk to others is too high right now. They're going to sort through them all and confiscate anything they think could be used to harm someone, then they'll give the safe ones back tomorrow."  
"Oh baby,"

"They said no visit for today, he's overstimulated and unsafe and it's in his best interest that he's left to calm down without visitors, but again we can go and see him tomorrow."  
"Do they know what he was thinking? Why he thought Pete was a threat?"  
"Something about Josh, I don't know entirely sweetheart, but you know how he gets. He doesn't think logically when he's sick."  
"And Pete? Is he okay?"  
"Very shaken up but physically fine, they called his boyfriend - is it Brendon or Patrick?"  
"Pat,"  
"I can never remember, but yeah Patrick's with him, helping to calm him down. They're also moving him to a room on the ward with only one bed so he won't have to share."  
"Oh God, it was his first day as well, I hope that Tyler hasn't done too much damage."

"I told you it was too soon for them to move him. Last time he was in isolation for 3 weeks and it was still difficult for him to move, it was too soon. Especially after his old roommate died,"  
"Gee, peace be with him. Oh Chris what's he gonna do? He's already struggling, I can't even begin to imagine what's going to happen once Josh passes away."  
"I don't know honestly darling, but we'll take things one day at a time. He's in the safest place for him right now, and we'll make sure they don't move him into the main ward until we're completely certain that he's ready. I don't see what else we can do,"  
"Mmm," she nodded on the brink of tears, and her husband stepped forwards and embraced her, holding her head against his chest and slowly rocking reassuringly.

"He'll be okay,"  
"Yeh," Kelly seemed unconvinced.  
"How's Zack doing?" Chris asked, still hugging her.  
"There's some questions that um, that I would have liked him to have circled no but he's answered moderately or even yes, so I don't know what to think Chris,"  
"Panicking?"  
"Uh huh," she nodded against his chest. "What if he's the same as Ty? What if they all are?"  
"Okay the odds of all 4 being schizophrenic is absolutely tiny sweetheart, so don't over analyse everything they do and say. Remember, Zack's assessment is simply to ease his worries, we don't think there's any reason for us to be concerned. Yeah? And anyway, it's just a screening assessment, it won't be completely accurate, just how the statistics won't necessarily be applicable to our family. If it does show warning signs then we can get him help, but I don't think it will do. You're upset over Ty and you're reading too many horror stories on the Internet. Ty is sick and that's not fair, but it doesn't mean we're a completely unlucky family. Zack will be alright."

"What about the littleones? The nightmares they have,"  
"Exactly as you said, they're little. It's normal to have nightmares,"  
"They're 8 and 10, they shouldn't be having nightmares Chris. I googled it, they're meant to stop at 6."  
"Again with the googling Kel, you've got to stop. That's an average, not a definite, loads of kids have nightmares when they're older and nothing comes of it. Sweetheart you're going to make yourself sick with all this worrying. You're focused so much on other people that you're not looking after your own well being. Come on, relax, look after yourself, take care of yourself and trust that the kids are going to be alright, all of them. Maddy Jay and Zack are healthy just stressed, and Tyler is in hospital which is the safest place for him right now."

 

  
"I just, I feel so guilty, which I know is ridiculous," Jenna told Debby, wiping away more tears.  
"Good because it is ridiculous Jen,"  
"I can't control him, I mean he can't even control himself, but he's my boyfriend and I can't help feeling responsible. And not only that, but also it was me who told Pat to admit Pete in the first place, it was because of me that Pete was even in the position to be hurt at all." She cried.  
"Jenna Pete needs to be in hospital, you've saved his life by helping Pat put him in."  
"And I almost cost him it today!"  
"Not true, absolutely not true. You didn't make Tyler strangle him, and there's absolutely no way you could have known it was going to happen, period." Debby told her, shuffling closer to her on the couch and wrapping her arm around her sobbing best friend.

"Pat's gonna hate me," Jenna broke down.  
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard Jenna, he has no reason to hate you at all. You've done nothing but support him and Pete and I know he's eternally grateful. He was upset on the phone because he's stressed and heartbroken over Pete, not because he's upset at you." Debby reassured her, hugging her and listening to her hiccuping sobs as she tried and failed to slow them down and regulate her breathing. The only sound that interrupted them was the buzz of both their phones at the same time.

Tyler's phone buzzed in the confiscation locker at Young Minds.

Brendon's phone buzzed on the arm of Dallon's couch as they sat on the outdoor decking and smoked together.

Pete's phone buzzed in the drawer of his house, it's home for the last few weeks.

Patrick's phone buzzed in his back pocket as he held his hysterical boyfriend tight.

Josh's phone didn't buzz, because Josh's phone sent the message.

_Group chat: Debby, Jenna, Josh, Patrick, Brendon, Tyler [inactive members: Pete]_  
_Josh: Josh passed away peacefully at 3.50 this afternoon._


	25. Chapter 25 - Part A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because you're all good lil readers, have a lil treat. Chapters posted on back to back days.   
> So I wrote all of the last chapter yesterday and posted it immediately, then decided to do exactly the same today - let's just see how it goes! Who even proof reads anymore?

There was only one chair in the small room, and Laura found herself stuck in it. People came and went, some spoke to her, some spoke to him, some said nothing at all. All cried.

Laura had finished crying. She had her hour and now she was done, sat silent in the private mortuary room alongside her son's body. The staff had cleaned him up, removed his Hickman line and his oxygen cannula and every other tube and wire which kept him alive as long as they did. They washed him, offered her the opportunity to help but she declined, so they washed him then took off the hospital gown that she was so used to seeing him wearing and covered him with a white sheet, only showing his head.

The process was intended to make him look peaceful, to make him look like her baby, but he didn't. It wasn't the pronounced skeletal cheekbones or the dark shadows ringing his eyes, she was used to those. It wasn't the red grazed marks that indicated where his oxygen supply had been homed since it spread to his lungs. It wasn't even the fact he had no hair and a very noticeable bump where a tumour had been growing within his skull. No, he didn't look like her baby because he didn't have the sparkle in his eyes.

She didn't care that it was cliche, the shine in his eye was what made Josh Josh. Whether he was laughing as he attempted to play 1v1 wheelchair basketball with Tyler - they claimed it made it a level playing field if they strapped Tyler into his old one but Ty always seemed to win, or focusing on the ceiling whilst the doctors performed surgery on him using only local anaesthetic, he always had that sparkle. And now it was gone, not hidden behind his eyelids that a nurse had shut, but gone. He was gone.

Laura didn't scratch her head even though it itched, her hands were frozen to the arms of the only chair in the small room.

At least it wasn't a slab. That's what she told herself, at least it wasn't a slab. His head had no pillow but he was laid on a mattress. She wasn't sure why that meant something to her, why it mattered that the empty vessel had a comfortable surface to rest, but it did.

It was just an empty vessel. It wasn't her son. Her son was gone.

"Laur? You can say no, can I come in?" She heard a deep voice say from the door to her side, but didn't need to tear her eyes from their fixed position in order to recognise her ex-husband.  
"Yes," she answered with no volume behind her airy response. He entered the room and she could sense the breath he held.

The man walked over, incredibly slowly, to the bed in the centre of the small room and their son's body. He pressed his hands on the side of the bed a metre apart and stared down, then suddenly the breath erupted alongside a single sob. Bill's head turned to one side and Laura could see his clenched jaw and squeezed eyes as though in physical pain, but she said nothing. There was nothing she could say. There was nothing to say. Bill sucked in a deep breath then exhaled it slowly before beginning to speak to what was once his boy.

"I love you kid, and I'm proud of you, and I've been a shit father and I know that, and I'm sorry, and I miss you, and," Bill tried to say bravely but each short phrase ended in a raise in pitch and a threat of tears. "And I'm sorry that I couldn't fix our relationship before it got too late, biggest regret of my life, biggest regret of my life. I hope you forgive me, and I love you."

Laura watched, still frozen to the only seat in the small room, as her ex husband pushed his lips to Josh's cold forehead, then stood up and crossed his hands on top of his head. He paced the length a few times, then walked straight over to her and crouched on one knee in front of her.

"Let me pay for the funeral."  
"My son is dead and you're talking to me about money."  
"Our son, Laur, our son." Bill gulped but Laura didn't make eye contact. "Please, you knew him better than I ever did, you know what he'd like, you can make all the decisions. I, I just want to be involved Laur."  
"You lost the right to be involved with my son the moment you lifted the bottle to your lips." Laura told him blankly.  
"And it is the biggest regret of my life."  
"Well you just told the body that it was not fixing your relationship with Josh,"  
"It's Josh Laur, it's not 'the body', he's our son,"  
"My son is gone,"

"Laur we're gri-"  
"My name is Laura,"  
"Laura we're grieving parents, I don't want to fight. If you don't want me around then I accept that, but please know that it's with a heavy heart."  
"I don't want you around."  
"Okay I'll leave, I'll speak to my kids then I'll leave."  
"They're hurting enough as it is, just go back to Toledo Bill."  
"You can't stop me from seeing my children."  
"I have sole custody and a duty to protect my grieving children from an alcoholic." Laura said, still not looking away from the bed.

"This isn't fair Laur, I'm dry, my son just died, give me a break,"  
"You know what's not fair? Having to spend 5 days on a mechanical ventilator and 4 weeks in intensive care because your drunk father overdosed you on morphine."

"You can't make me feel anymore guilty than I already do. But for you I'll leave Laura, send me the invoice for the funeral. My parents brought me here-"  
"Planning on getting too drunk to drive back?"  
"No, my son died, they're looking after me. Can they come in and pay their respects?"  
"Yes,"  
"Thank you. Are your parents here?"  
"My mom's dead and my dad lives in a home and thinks it's 1967. No, they're not here." Laura stated whilst maintaining fixed focus on the white sheet hiding almost all the body.

"I'm, I'm sorry, that was insensitive. Who's looking after you?"  
"That's not your concern."  
"Is anyone Laur? Your child died, you shouldn't be alone."  
"I said that's not your concern Bill."  
"Call me if you need me."  
"I can tell you right now that that will not be happening. Abi will text you the date of the funeral, you will attend but you will not be speaking and you will not be a pallbearer and you will not be drinking."  
"I'm dry. And Laur, I know you and-"  
"You don't know me. Ever since my husband almost drank himself into an early grave and then left me to raise 4 kids, one of which had terminal cancer, single handedly, I've changed. I had to change in order to survive. I don't need you or your pity Bill. If your parents want to see the body then I recommend you go and get them fairly soon because my patience is growing thin." The mother told her ex, feeling aggressive and frustrated but unable to express any sort of emotion as she sat frozen on the only chair in the small room.

He left her alone with Josh's body in the small room once again, then returned a minute later with Josh's Pop and Granny. Ever since the morphine incident, the grandparents' visits had been few and infrequent. Laura did her best not to let the collapse of her husband and consequently her marriage impact her kids' relationships with their paternal grandparents, but emotional distance was inevitable and Laura would have felt unease as they entered if she could feel any sort of emotion beyond numbness.

Her ex mother in law instantly burst into tears at the sight of Josh's exhausted vessel, and cowered into her husband's side. Laura watched through peripheral vision as they both broke down, still unable to tear herself from watching Josh's body. She wasn't expecting a breath nor a finger twitch, she knew he was gone, and yet she couldn't look away.

"Oh Laura, I'm so sorry," Josh's Granny cried as she wrapped her frail arms around Laura, who in return made no effort to hug back, simply remained frozen to the seat and waited for it to be over. The hug didn't mean anything. Nothing truly meant anything.

"He was such a good kid," his Pop shook his head as though in disbelief.  
"And brave too," Granny added, and Laura wanted to point out that they didn't know the half of it, but she didn't. They hadn't got a clue what he'd been through, they hadn't been there for the sleepless nights sobbing in agony, the endless appointments of "this round didn't work,", seen the heartbreak in his eyes each time he put his all into everything and yet never showed anything except deterioration.

Bill's mom made her way over to her son and they hugged whilst his dad leant over and whispered something to Josh's body, but even then Laura didn't break her eye contact with it.

Despite that, she could still see her ex husband embracing the crying woman. She didn't miss out on any sort of emotional support when she finally kicked him out, in fact he only added to her emotional turmoil. However she did miss the logistical advantages of having a second adult in her home. All the times her kids had to miss out on slumber parties and mall trips because there was no way she could leave Josh to take them, all the baseball games and musicals she couldn't go and watch because Josh was having a bad day, all the times Josh passed out on the floor and had to lay unconscious face down on the tiles for hours sometimes because she couldn't lift him alone.   
But no, she wasn't emotionally dependent on Bill, she wasn't emotionally dependent on anyone.

"Should we say a prayer?" Pop suggested and Granny and Bill nodded, but Laura was frozen to the only chair in the small room. "Dear Lord, we thank you for your mercy in relieving Josh of his pain and blessing him with rest, and will be grateful every day. We pray that he is with you now, that he is happy, healthy, in peace. Please, give us the strength to walk this Earth without him by our side, and bless us with the ability to find the light once again. I pray Josh will see you face to face and in your light will see light and know the splendour of God, for you live and reign forever. You have embraced Josh with your tender love and now bid him eternal rest. Thank you. Through Christ our Lord, amen."  
"Amen,"  
"Amen," Bill and his mother repeated, but Laura said nothing for she felt nothing.

For a very religious woman, Laura would have said it felt weird to feel no connection to a prayer, but she didn't feel weird, she felt nothing.

"Laur, call me if you need me, I'm only a phone call away if you need anything at all. I hope you're okay, and if you don't need me any sooner then we'll see you at the funeral." Bill said, purposefully not looking at the body that his parents were kissing goodbye to.  
"I'll pray for you Laura," Pop added, then the three of them left.

Then it was just Laura alone on the only chair in the small room with her son's body.

What do you do with your son's body once he's finished with it? Bury it, eventually she'd bury it so it could one day become at one with the soil around it, but what did she do till then? Did she hug it, cry over it, ignore it, talk to it, beg it to come back to life, beg him to come back to life? She didn't know.

If there were words you were supposed to say then Laura had lost them.

She didn't see the point in talking to it, after all it was as inanimate and lifeless as the chair she was frozen to. Logically it was just an object, an object whose cells formed a mutiny against its owner and eventually cost him his life. Laura should hate it, should hate the cancerous vessel who forced her son to leave her so soon, and yet she couldn't. As much as she referred to him as it, as much as she pretended there was no sentimental value, no love between her and her poor baby laid out on the mattress, it wasn't true. She loved that thing in front of her and she couldn't pretend he meant nothing just because she felt nothing. Nothing but pain.

Something was about to click inside her. She didn't know what it was, maybe another wave of hysterical tears, maybe a rising surge of sobs, maybe a revelation of some sort. But she was interrupted as a nurse entered, and the threat of change subsided.

"Hi, Laura, I just wanted to let you know that Dr Xand is available to fill out Josh's death certificate now, so if you follow me then I'll show you to his office."  
"Okay," she whispered, but didn't move.  
"It won't take long, a few minutes at most, then you can come back in here and sit with him if that's what you'd like." The nurse explained, crouching next to her. "I can come in with you, stay by your side if that would help."  
"D-does it have to be now?"  
"A death has to be registered at the registry office within 5 days, and in order to register you will need a death certificate, but no, you don't necessarily have to get it today."  
"I'm going to stay with him,"  
"Okay, I'll tell Dr Xand."  
"Thank you,"

"Laura is there anything I can do for you? Anything to drink? Or anything else?"  
"Could you check on my kids please?"  
"Yeah of course, are they in the ICU family room?"  
"Yes," Laura nodded quietly. "My son, Jordan, he can um, he can be self destructive when he's emotional. Just make sure he's safe."  
"I'll make sure they're cared for. Is there anyone I can call to pick them up or watch over them?"  
"No, there's uh, they've just got me."  
"Okay well you take today with Josh and I'll look after them, and if you need more time to grieve and to mourn privately then I can arrange social care to give you some time and space."  
"That won't be necessary, but thank you,"  
"Alright we'll see, take care Laura," the nurse said softly, then left her alone on the only chair in the small room with her son's body.

"I'm still here Josh, you're not on your own." Laura suddenly felt the urge to tell her boy. She didn't know why, just knew that he was afraid of being alone. It didn't matter that he was gone, she just wanted him to know that he didn't have to be afraid. And it was true, he didn't have to be afraid, he had nothing to fear anymore because he was in paradise. Josh was in paradise and could feel no pain, no agitation, no fear. It was all over at last. For him at least.

She remembered all the things she had told him, how they'd all be okay so he shouldn't worry. How he had been so brave and it was okay for him to let go. How everything would work out in the end. But how true was that?

When your boy is in hospital with wires and tubes and cables and drips keeping him alive, and he looks at you with so much fear and yet so much hope in his eyes, you can't let him down. He looked up at her and he needed reassurance. He was afraid that the family would fall apart because of him, and he looked up at his mom with so much trust and faith in the belief she could make it all better, and she couldn't let him down. And if you tell someone something so often, if you repeat the same mantra so many times, whether he'd forgotten because of the brain tumour or he genuinely needed to be reassured, you start to convince even yourself of what you're saying. Laura told Josh so many times that they would be okay, she genuinely believed she would be. And yet here she was without him, and she was not okay.

A glance to the clock on the wall.

He's died at 3.50 on the 15th of November, and he'd been in that small room with only one chair since 4.30 that same day. Laura hadn't left his side, not even for a moment, and it was almost 3.30pm. Almost 24 hours since her son died.

She hadn't left his side and she hadn't slept, so she'd been awake for 34 hours. She was exhausted, of course she was, she was drained and tired and exhausted and she wanted nothing more than to go to bed then wake up to her happy 15 year old startling her with a crash cymbal that he promised not to play whilst everyone else was sleeping. She wanted nothing more than for this whole cancer to be one horrific nightmare and to go back to when the biggest problem was the damn crash cymbal. Back when crashing meant drumming, not crashing as in one of his many cardiac arrest. Back when her baby was healthy. Back when her baby was alive.

But he wasn't her only baby, she had 3 others, 3 younger babies who were down the corridor and were hurting and needed her. Josh didn't need her anymore. For months he had been entirely dependent on her and needed her to focus all her energy into his care, and now, just like that, he didn't. She was free, except she felt more stuck than ever before in her whole life.

She was frozen to the only chair in the small room. But not only that, she had no idea what to do next. Every day for the past three years had been scheduled around needing to take Josh to this hospital then that physical therapist then those appointments, and they couldn't make long term plans because they didn't know what tomorrow held. However the days centralised around Josh were gone alongside him, and Laura had to make plans that didn't involve her eldest. How would she look after her remaining kids? Would they go back to school? Could a fresh start in a new city or a new state offer them some sort of release? Would she go back to work? Would they be okay? Could they do this?

So much uncertainty and yet Laura didn't care. It wasn't important. She realised that if she spent these precious hours fretting over the future then she would always regret neglecting her son.

"Josh sweetheart, Mom's here," Laura told him, standing up from the only chair in the small room where she had been frozen for so long and instead going to him and holding his hand. It was cold and stiff but she focused on her words and the meaning rather than the feeling.

"I know that your body can't hear me, but I know you're listening from up there baby. How is it? I hope it's everything we ever talked about plus more, because that's what you deserve darling. It's over, all the hurting and fear and crying, it's done for you now baby." She said to him softly, tears finally spilling.

"And if you can see me, if you're watching on from above and can see that maybe I'm not as fine as I promised then I'm sorry, but this is a lot harder than I convinced myself it would be. You're my boy and I love you Josh, and I think I told you that everyday but that's still not often enough. I need you to know that even though you're gone, I love you. I will always love you Joshua William, and you'll always be my eldest child and you'll always be in my heart and you'll always be my son."

"If you're watching then I want you to know that I'm sad Josh, I'm sad and I will be sad for quite a long time, I don't know how long exactly, but I won't always be sad. The same for your siblings and your friends. See you were such a big character, such an amazing friend and brother and son and that's a lot for us to come to terms with losing, but one day we will I promise."

"I miss you J," Laura squeaked, wiping her face with the back of her hand. "And I don't think I'll ever stop missing you."

She squeezed his hand, something she'd been wanting to do for weeks but couldn't. He didn't squeeze back, he couldn't, but she didn't mind. Yes, it was just his body and it couldn't understand the gesture, but her angel son above would. Her angel son.

"You know," she cried, "when you were little, you were in love with the world Josh. I remember this one time, this one time we were walking down the street together and I was holding your hand and you had to skip to keep up. I was pregnant with Ashley, and you were skipping along with this grin on your face. We got to the crossing and-"  
"Laura, sorry, are you talking to him?" The nurse came back in.  
"Yeah but that's okay, he's up there and he's ready to listen whenever I can talk."  
"Sorry, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but Jordan's up on the roof and is refusing to come back from the edge."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All my observant readers will see that this is part A of chapter 25. I decided to give Laura and Josh a whole chapter to really explore their side of the story HOWEVER I understand that everyone on this site hates themselves and therefore wants to go through the torture of the other characters finding out. Therefore chapter 26 will essentially be 25B, takes place on the same day just you get to see the other storylines. Hope that makes sense? Xx
> 
> P.S some of the comments yesterday actually made me laugh out loud... I love you guys


	26. Chapter 25 - Part B

The group was too small, it was too small and it didn't feel right and even though it had been months since all 7 friends had actually been together, knowing that they never would be again simply broke Jenna's heart. It broke her heart, but her heart had already been broken so many times that it was more like the next level of pain. A pain she had never experienced before and truly terrified her to her very core.

Nobody had slept well. After they received the message everyone burst into hysterics, then convened at Jenna's house. That had been the plan, have everyone together. She said everyone together but that was in no way the case, Tyler didn't know, Pete didn't know and Brendon hadn't shown up, so it was only Pat who joined the girls from the group. Pat and Zack.

Jenna had to tell Zack, thankfully the sobs down the phone told the story and the words didn't have to slip out of her quivering lips, but she still had to listen to the raw cries of realisation from her boyfriend's brother. Heart wrenching.

Debby was too quite, she was too quiet and she was scaring Jenna and she didn't know what to say or how to help or what they were going to do. For months they had time to plan and prepare and come up with coping strategies and they were all out of the window. Nothing can prepare you for death, nothing.

"Guys, I know you don't want to but I think you should all have some breakfast." Jenna's mom said softly as she opened the door to the living room. Jenna sighed as she wiped her damp cheeks, then turned to face her mother. Zack was silently crying next to her on the couch, sharing a blanket, and also turned to face the door. Patrick wasn't crying but chewed his nails aggressively and continued to do so, and Debby was sat on the window sill hiding her face.

"Sweetheart, do you want just some plain toast?" She asked Jenna specifically, but she shook her head no slowly. "Zack? If you're anything like your brother then you'll be wanting a stack of pancakes up to the ceiling,"  
"I'm fine thanks Mrs Black," Zack blatantly lied, but Jenna stroked his forearm affectionately and supportively.

"Pat?"  
"Not hungry,"  
"Debby, sweetie," Jenna's mom called out gently, but the bereaved girlfriend didn't look away from the window and didn't remove her arms from their position wrapped around her legs. Jenna watched tiredly as her mom walked over to the window and placed a hand on Debby's lower back. The teen didn't flinch, didn't seem to notice the support, didn't seem reachable.

"What can I do?" The mother whispered but Jenna could clearly hear her across the silent room. "Deb, darling, it's okay to be hurting and to miss him, it's okay to feel a little lost and a lot of heartbreak, it's okay not to be okay, but it's not okay to shut people out. Sweetheart, all of us here, all of your family, all of his family, we're all here to talk and to listen whenever you're ready. But you do need to talk, you can't keep this all to yourself."

Jenna knew her mom meant well but clearly it was all too much too soon for her fragile best friend, who stood up and ran out faster than Jenna could blink her heavy swollen eyes. Pat didn't seem to notice, that or he didn't care as he ripped skin from his fingers with his teeth.

"Don't go," Zack said, voice cracking as she took the blanket off her lap and folded it across his.  
"She needs me," Jenna murmured in response, voice deep from hours of crying. She didn't look back as her socks padded quietly but quickly across the living room floor and over to the door where her mom and Debby had just left.

Her mom was only a few metres down the hall, watching out the window next to the front door.  
"Mom,"  
"Oh baby, come here," she sighed sadly, wrapping her arms around her daughter tightly. "You're doing so well, I'm proud of you and I know he is too,"  
"Where is she?"  
"Sat on the porch outside, but Jen, give her some space maybe? She's not ready."  
"It's been less than a day Mom, course she's not ready," Jenna mumbled, stepping away from her and over to the front door. Her hand shook as it pressed the handle down and the cold air came as a shock to her numb system. But as she shut the door behind her, she could hear Debby's sobs from the step she was sat on.

Jenna wrapped Ty's hoodie round herself again then crouched next to her, tile cold against her thighs. Debby was in floods of tears but did nothing to wipe them, letting them collect along her jaw and drip down onto her pants. She didn't know what to do, but she also guessed that there probably wasn't anything she could do, after all she couldn't bring Josh back.

"Small part of me thought he'd get better," she squeaked before breaking down, burying her face in her palms. Jenna had to swallow down her own sobs that were threatening to claw their way up her scratching throat. She was guilty of the same thing.

"But he's in a better place now Deb, okay? He's not in pain, he's-"  
"Just STOP, okay?!" She shrieked emotionally, taking Jenna by surprise. "Can we all just save pretending we're happy he's dead until the funeral,"  
"Deb I'm, I'm not happy he's dead."  
"Everyone says it!" Debby exclaims through her sobs. "I'm glad he's not in pain, he's in a better place, he's better off now, he's at peace, he's healthy now - it's bullshit! I know I'm selfish but I can't feel relieved that my boyfriend is dead."  
"Oh Deb," Jenna sighed as tears brimmed in her eyes and she wrapped an arm around her friend's jerking shoulders.

"Nobody is happy he's gone, no one. We all say that crap because we convince ourselves that it's soothing, and that's because it's better than reality. It's true that he's not in pain, but we are. We're all in pain Deb, my heart, it hurts so bad, and, and there's this sinking feeling in my chest that hasn't gone away since I opened the message. This is horrible and it's going to be horrible for a while, and people are going to lie that they're pleased he's passed and that's shit but what alternative do we have?" Jenna whispered, tears rolling down her cheeks once again.

 

 

"Just so we're on the same page darling, what's the plan? Do we tell him?" Chris asked as he turned the engine off and looked across at his wife.  
"Um, just see how he is first,"  
"Sweetheart, whether he's having a rough morning or whether he's calmed down a bit, news like this, it's gonna push him over the edge either way."  
"Well what do we then Chris? Hmm? Just not tell him? Sit there with him, pretending like we don't know that his best friend is dead?" Kelly asked rhetorically, tears brimming in her eyes as she tightly squeezed her lips together and tried to control herself.

"We will tell him, but you need to prepare yourself for the fact that there isn't going to be a perfect time and he isn't going to react healthily,"  
"I'm not a child Chris, don't talk to me like I am."  
"No, you're not a child Kel, but you are mourning and terrified and emotional and absolutely exhausted after staying up till 4 crying. And I get it, I understand why, I just don't know how to help."

"I don't understand why he didn't stay with us, stay with me," Kelly said, tears finally spilling in the passenger seat of their car parked outside Young Minds.  
"Zack?"  
"Yeah, I'm his mom, why's he with Ty's friends rather than me? It's because of the screening test, isn't it, because I told him the stats and I scared him and now he think the whole family is schizophrenic and he hates us, and, and,"  
"Sweetheart calm down, he doesn't hate us and this has nothing to do with Ty's condition. I should imagine he wanted to be with them because they've got stories about Josh that he hasn't heard, it's to feel close to him, it's not because of us."

"They all leave me, my boys," Kelly cried, biting her lip tearfully as Chris gave her space to expand. "Ty, Ty's been so distant since **Blurry** and now he's back in here, Zack left me when he was hurting, he's hurting and he's upset and he doesn't want to be with me, he wanted to leave, even Jay won't hold my hand Chris. And now Josh, Josh is gone."

 

  
"Lilly, Tyler's parents are here." Mark told the therapist, poking his head around her office door.  
"Okay thanks," She said as she finished the sentence in her notes then closed the file and followed her patient's keyworker into the waiting area of the psychiatric hospital. A man with noticeable physical similarities to Tyler was sat on a chair with his arm around a tearful woman.

"Hi, I'm Dr Lilly Arlidge, Tyler's clinical psychologist," she introduced herself, shaking the father's hand.  
"Chris, and this is my wife Kelly,"  
"Yes we spoke on the phone this morning, thank you for taking the time to keep me updated and I'm so sorry for your loss." Dr A said, sitting opposite them whilst Mark remained stood.  
"Thank you,"

"How's my baby?" Kelly asked, wiping her face.  
"I haven't been in to see him yet today but I know Mark, you supervised his breakfast right?"  
"Yeh I was in with him earlier this morning," the mental health worker nodded. "He told me that **Blurry** didn't let him sleep so he's tired, but apparently **he** felt sorry for him so let him eat breakfast."  
" **Blurry** let him eat?"  
"Yeah, he was quiet and jumpy but he ate all his cereal and seemed fairly stable in that state."  
"Okay that's great," Dr A said but the look on his parents' faces suggested they didn't seem to agree.

"Has he been given his stim toys back yet?"  
"No there hasn't been time to review them yet unfortunately,"  
"Hasn't been time?!" Kelly exclaimed emotionally, "My poor boy needs to stim, he relies on it and he needs it to help him get better, and you can't find time?! He's gone all night without, and God knows how much longer he'll be able to cope."  
"Kel, sweetheart," her husband tried to calm her down.  
"No Chris, Josh, Josh is dead and I can't lose another one,"

"Okay Mrs Joseph I understand that this is a very emotional time for the family right now, but please trust that Tyler's care is our top priority. The stim tools will be reviewed and safe ones will be returned to him, however it's important that the checks aren't rushed because it's in everyone's best interest that he's safe."  
"We understand, thank you, but of course the quicker the better." Chris said.  
"Of course." Dr Arlidge agreed.

"Have you put any thought into how and when you'd like to break the news to Tyler about Josh?" Mark asked.  
"He doesn't like secrets, especially about Josh, even if they're kept in his best interest."  
"No?" Dr A asked intrigued.  
"Last year when he was in hospital and doing better, close to discharge but still delicate, Josh got diagnosed with his brain tumour and together we decided not to tell Tyler until he was comfortable at home. When we did, he flipped out majorly and almost landed himself straight back in here." His father explained.  
"Okay so it's about finding a balance between being honest and level with him, but also considering and bearing in mind how he's going to react. We can't possibly guess or predict what the outcome will be, but I'll make sure that every precaution is taken to keep him safe." The therapist reassured the parents.

"I can be assigned to be his 1:1 supervisor, and if he needs it then we'll arrange another member of staff to help me so he's on 2:1, then if he still needs further care there's medication and physical restraints that we can look into, plus a transfer to an intensive care unit is always a viable option." Mark told them.  
"He'll be looked after." Dr A added supportively as Kelly cried and Chris rubbed her shoulder.

"Let's just get this over and done with." She suddenly decided, standing up from the waiting room chair and rushing towards the corridor where her son was staying. Lilly saw Mark follow alongside Chris, so she quickly caught up to be by Kelly's side and to unlock the necessary doors on the route to Tyler's room on the acute wing.

Whilst she wouldn't say she was scared to tell Tyler about his friend's death, she could tell that it wasn't going to end well. The friend clearly meant a great deal to her patient, and he needed stability and support rather than devastating news like they were about to deliver.

"Annika, we're here to talk to Tyler for a while, I'm supposed to be doing Louise's 15 minute checks, could you take over for me? She's in the quiet room and I last checked on her about 10 minutes ago." Mark said to the nurse sat with Tyler as they entered.  
"Yeah course, see you later Ty." She nodded as she left and let them all file in.

"Mom I didn't want to kill Pete." Tyler immediately said, obviously terrified of her response. Kelly simply sat on the bed next to him and grabbed his hand tight.  
"I know Tyler, **he** made you, didn't **he**?" She tried to say bravely but tears were running down her face as Tyler nodded. "Is **he** here now?"  
"Always."  
"At a wall?"  
"Always."  
"Which one sweetheart?"  
"By Dad, Dad be careful," Tyler gulped before correcting himself. "No, no, no I didn't mean that, I mean you're fine Dad, **he** won't um, sorry, **he** says **he** won't hurt you."  
"Right." Chris said, clearly unsure of what to say.

"Mom, when, when are Jenna and Josh coming to see me and **Blur**?"  
"Ac-"  
"Oh no wait, J can't, can he?"  
"No sweetheart, no he can't," Kelly squeaked tearfully.  
"Because his wheelchair can't get up the acute wing step. Miss A, please can I go off the acute wing to see my friend, my best friend, in the other room?"  
"Tyler-" Dr A began answering before getting cut off by the boy's mother.  
"Tyler he died, he's gone. Yesterday afternoon, in his sleep, no pain but he is gone."  
"Oh, okay," Tyler nodded without a falter in composure, much to everyone's surprise.

"Do you understand?" Chris asked.  
"Yeh, he's dead, what about Jenna?"  
"Baby," Kelly sobbed, stroking his cheek then pulling him into a hug that he clearly didn't want or need.  
"Is she coming?"  
"Tyler, how does it make you feel to hear about Josh?" Mark asked him, understandably trying to trigger a reaction.  
"Fine, yeah, alright. Is Jenna coming today?"  
"No, no she's not," his mom cried against his shoulder as she held him tight.  
"She's grieving Ty," the teenager's father told him.  
"When will she be done? I miss her."  
"Tyler p-lease,"

"Miss A?"  
"Yes Tyler?"  
"Are we playing chess today?"  
"Would you and **Blurry** like to come into my office and talk? Would you feel okay doing that with me?"  
"And chess? We came up with a game plan together."  
"If you find it helpful then okay, is that okay with Mom and Dad?"  
"What?" Kelly asked between sobs.  
"Therapy with Miss A," Tyler explained, not seeming in the least affected by his mother's breakdown or the news of his friend's passing. The young adult shuffled out of her embrace and off the bed, waiting eagerly by the door as Lilly looked around the room at the different expressions. Kelly was sobbing, Chris was lost and Mark seemed equally as confused, just shrugged slightly and nodded that she should take him for an impromptu therapy session.

"Okay follow me Ty," Lilly said, opening his bedroom door and leading the short distance to her office.  
"You're going down," Tyler told her then laughed, and even with years of medical training she still had no idea how to help the clearly delusional teen. With a sigh she let him into her room.

"Can **Blur** get a chair too please?"  
"Oh of course, sorry **Blurry** , slipped my mind." She replied, stopping herself from almost sitting down and instead setting up a folding desk chair for the hallucination. As she walked back round to her place once again, Tyler began arranging the chess board that was a mess and she took an opportunity to simply observe him. He was the most confident and collected she had ever seen him, and his best friend had just died.

"Ty, why did you want to come in here? Too many people in your room?"  
"2's okay." He hummed as the arranged the pieces.  
"Who were the 2?"  
"You and Mark."  
"What about Mom and Dad?"  
"Hmm?"  
"Tyler there was Mark and Me, plus Mom and Dad."  
"Wait what?" Tyler said, tone dropping as his hand dropped to his lap.  
"Mom and Dad were there." Dr A told him clearly, concern growing at his confusion.

"Y-you could see them too?"  
"Yes Tyler."  
"No, no I-I, I don't believe you," he shook his head.  
"Mom was wearing a red top, Dad-"  
"NO! No you're tricking me, no, no stop, this doesn't, it, no, this doesn't make sense."  
"What's not making sense Ty?"  
"This, no, this can't be right, this can't be real."  
"Am I real Tyler?"  
"I DON'T KNOW!" He suddenly screeched, hands flying up to his head.

"Why are you confused?" She asked calmly.  
"STOP! Every-everything just has to stop! I can't work it out."

"Maybe I can help Ty, ask me any question you'd like."  
"Mom and Dad, they, my mom, Mom was real?" Tyler muttered, pulling his hair aggressively.  
"Yes, both real."  
"No, no no you're wrong,"  
"What makes you think they aren't?" Lilly asked.  
"They, she, she, um, she, they, s-she, she," he stuttered before taking a moment to collect his words.  
"Try again Ty,"  
"She said something that **Blurry** says to me a lot. I know it's not really, it's not real - shh **Blur** , shh I'm trying to concentrate,"  
" **Blurry** please can you be quiet for a moment, Tyler's talking to me." The therapist said to the hallucination.

" **He** won't shut up,"  
"What's **he** saying?"  
" **He's** scared Miss A,"  
"Are you scared as well Tyler?"  
" **Blur** doesn't understand either Miss A, he doesn't understand, he's freaking out and I'm frightened,"  
"What don't you understand? I'll explain it to you Tyler."  
" **Blurry** , **Blurry** always, **Blur** , shh, shhh she won't try and make you go away," Tyler began talking to his hallucination again before looking up at her. " **He** always says Josh is dead. My, my, well, I don't know, I thought it was my mom. She said Josh is dead, but, but why would she agree with **Blur**? She always says **he's** lying, why's she agreeing? She must be like **him** , in my head like **him**."

"You think Mom was a hallucination?"  
"No, I don't hallucinate."  
"What's **Blurryface** then Tyler?"  
"Josh says it's a super power of mine, I have extra special superhero vision, I can see things that other people can't."  
"And why did Josh say that?"  
"Because it's the truth."  
"Do you think maybe he said that to make you feel better? Because sometimes people feel bad that they have hallucinations, so do you think Josh called it a super power because that's more fun? Makes it seem a bit less scary?"

"Josh never lies to me."  
"I'm not saying he lied Tyler, I'm just saying that it's not a real super power, superheroes are only in the movies."  
"No, no I'm a superhero, I'm important, I, I have a power and I have to use it for good. I'm the only one who can save everyone, I'm important."  
"I think you are important too Tyler, but I think everyone is important. You're important because you're a son and a friend and a boyfriend and you matter to the people who are involved in your life. You're important because of the impact you're having on the world in your own way, how you treat people, how you make people feel, the impression you leave on the people you meet and the places you go. That's why you're important, does that make sense?"

"Josh never lies to me."  
"Tyler can you tell me some other things you know about Josh?"  
"Why?! Are, are you going to hurt him?"  
"I just need to talk to you about him Ty. What's something you can tell me, maybe about his health?"  
"He, he, he's fine,"  
"Is he?"  
"Yes! What did you do?!" Tyler panicked.

"Tyler when we had our first session, can you remember what you told me about him? You said he used to talk to you, but he couldn't talk anymore - why was that?"  
"Miss A I don't know! I don't know what you want me to say!" He said frustrated.  
"Tyler, does cancer ring any bells?"  
"Cancer? No. No that can't be right, no, th-thaat's what **he** says,"  
"Josh did have cancer, and yesterday that cancer took his life Ty. I'm so sorry, but Josh died, he's no longer with us." Dr Arlidge told him, but once again Tyler froze rather than reacting with tears like she had expected.

"Do you get what I'm saying?"  
"There are so many of you." He whispered daunted, confusing her a little.  
"What does that mean?"  
"There, there are so many of you like **him**. **He** , shit, **he's** only, I, **he** ," Tyler stuttered quietly, staring off into the distance. " **He** said Josh had cancer, **he** , in my head, **he** made me think Josh had cancer. **He's** clever, whenever I looked at Josh **he** made me think that he looked sick when really he's fine. He's fine. And you, you and Mom and Mark and Dad and Jenna and Laura and everyone else, you're just like **him** , you're just in my head, you're, you're all a part of **his** plan. **He** makes me think you're saying these words about Josh but, but you're not, **he's** tricking me, all of this is just a giant trick, it's all in my head. Josh is fine, he's at home and he's doing okay but he misses me a lot. He's healthy and he's going to visit me tomorrow, yeah, I'll see him tomorrow,"

 

 

  
"Say it again,"  
"I need you,"  
"Louder,"  
"Ryan I need you," Brendon panted as their lips briefly broke apart before colliding together again. Ryan held Brendon by the scruff of his neck, pulling him closer when he wanted him closer and shoving him away when he suddenly had enough. Brendon hadn't had enough, Brendon never had enough.

"You've been," Ryan began saying before crashing into him again, "such a," "piece of shit,"  
"I'm, sorry," Brendon murmured against his lips, feeling Ryan's tongue inside his mouth and his nails gripping into the back of his scalp.  
"You feel bad?"  
"Yes,"  
"Feel guilty?"  
"Yes," he nodded, wishing Ryan would stop talking and keep kissing the pain away.  
"Wanna make it up to me?"  
"Yes," Brendon begged, hands gripping onto Ryan's shirt as the man pressed him against the wall, trapped him against the wall, pinned him against the wall with his lips and his hips.

"You wanna make Daddy happy?"  
"Please,"  
"What are you going to do to make Daddy happy?"  
"Anything,"  
"Anything?" Ryan asked. "Anything?"  
"Please Ry, let me fuck you, please," Brendon pleaded, trying to kiss him again but receiving a shove to the forehead, smacking his skull hard against the wall behind him. He deserved it.

"Stop. Being. Pushy." He growled, prodding him with a stiff finger. Brendon waited, knowing his place, until Ryan mashed his lips against him. It was painful, Ryan's teeth were sharp against his mouth but he didn't care, he needed him, he needed him.

"Let me say sorry,"  
"Don't say it, show me."  
"That's what I meant,"  
"Don't treat me like I'm a fucking idiot!" Ryan snapped, grabbing and pinching his face with a rough grip. It hurt but Brendon didn't care.

"I need you,"  
"Say it again, louder."  
"I need you." Brendon said for him, then earned another kiss. This one was rough and passionate and Brendon's head was pushed against the wall and he was pretty sure his lip or his tongue or his gum was bleeding, he could taste blood, and it was perfect.

"Baby boy, show me you need me,"  
"Anything,"  
"Suck me off," Ryan ordered, and Brendon immediately nodded so fast that he made himself dizzy. He tried to take a step towards Ryan's bed but he shoved him against the wall again, pinning his arms against the cream paint.  
"Please,"  
"Here. Not there, here."  
"Ok." He nodded, then fell to his knees. Ryan had barely unbuckled his belt before Brendon shakily but forcefully tugged his jeans down to his ankles.

"Beebo, baby boy, be rough." Ryan instructed, grabbing him by the hair as he pulled down his boxers and wrapped his mouth around the head of his ex-boyfriend's cock. It was automatic, it was auto pilot, it was all the same as it always was. Ryan's hand yanking his hair, guiding his head back and forth with a motion far too harsh for pleasure. As much as Brendon wanted this - and he did, he did want this - there were telltale glistens of tears forming in the brims of Brendon's eyes.

He knew how to do this, how he himself liked this done, how Ryan used to like this to be done, but he couldn't. Every time he tried to move forwards the roots of his hair in Ryan's hand ripped and the shine on his waterline grew. Every time he pulled back he was dragged straight forwards again.

Kneeling on the cold wooden floor with Ryan's hard throbbing dick between his lips was not an appropriate time for his mind to flick to Josh. So he didn't let it. He focused on the swirl of his tongue and the squeeze of his lips and the pain from his scalp. He focused on not fucking crying. Ryan came and Brendon didn't fucking care and he wasn't going to fucking cry.

"Swallow." Ryan instructed, pulling up his pants and stroking Brendon's hair so forcefully that his neck rolled back like a rag doll. He gulped then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand as Ryan walked over to the mirror and checked his hair. Brendon didn't stand up, but collapsed on the floor exhausted and drained.

"You're disgusting,"  
"Sorry,"  
"You used to be good at that."  
"Sorry."  
"Baby boy, I-"  
"I need to go," Brendon suddenly decided.  
"No, no you don't."  
"Yes I do."  
"No you DON'T!" He screeched, storming back over to him and swinging his right foot straight into Brendon's stomach. The younger let out a shocked then pained groan, folding in half as he cradled his already bruising middle. The tears that had been threatening to fall suddenly began tumbling down his face and sobs escaped his lips.

"You love me Bren, I know you love me." Ryan whispered, crouching down to where he was crying and grabbing the collar of his shirt then kissing him. He didn't kiss back. He didn't stop crying. "I got a present for you, you want a present baby?"  
"N-no,"  
"That's rude, you don't say no to a gift." Ryan snapped, walking away from the crying mess on the floor and over to the drawer on the other side of the bedroom. Brendon sobbed, sobbed and hugged himself and willed himself to get up and leave but knowing that Ryan was all he had and all he would ever have. He needed him.

"Here baby boy, here look at Daddy." He said, forcing Brendon's chin up with a singly powerful finger. To Brendon's horror, Ryan held a vial of white powder in his hand and he knew, he knew it was coke. Ryan unscrewed the black cap with an unsteady laugh, then dipped his fingertip into the drug and held out a small but dense pile on the end of his finger.

"Brenny, little treat for trying. Take it. Take it."  
"No!" He rebelled, shoving Ryan away as he tried to put his finger under Brendon's nostril. As Ryan was knocked to the side, the vial spilt and all the precious cocaine spread across the wooden floor. Ryan immediately righted himself then punched Brendon hard in the face. His sobs were replaced with hysterical cries of pain; he didn't have time to reach up and touch his throbbing cheek as Ryan grabbed him by the throat and shoved his face into the floor, forcing him to breathe it in.

 

 

"Abi, he wasn't in the cafe or any of the toilets on any of the floors." Ashley sighed from the door frame of the family room after her search for Jordan.  
"Do you think he's gone home?" She asked, throat tired and scratchy from crying so much.  
"I, I don't think so,"  
"Where then?"  
"I dunno, I mean, I have one idea but I'm not convinced."  
"Where?" Abi asked quietly, face salty and tired.  
"Roof."  
"What? Why would he go up there?"  
"S'just that we always used to find Ty up there when he went missing in hospital. He probably won't be but I'm running out of ideas honestly."

"Y-you think he might, um, might jump?"  
"You know how he gets." Ashley sighed again, rubbing her eyes exhausted. "He doesn't talk to people so he doesn't get stuff off his chest so he freaks himself out. He's just bad at this sort of thing, don't worry, I'll go get him."  
"I'll come too," Abi croaked, shuffling off the uncomfortable mattress and over to her big sister - her oldest sibling now.

The pair walked out of the room in silence, neither knowing what to say or how to say it, and Ashley only grabbed Abi's hand when they had to walk past Josh's ICU room. He wasn't in there, he was in that little room with one chair with their mom on the other floor, but it still hurt.

A peaceful passing was such a bizarre phrase to use. Yes, he passed away unconscious, he wasn't screaming or writhing, he wasn't choking or spluttering - but maybe that was because he couldn't? Abi knew he was in pain, he'd been unconscious for long periods of time before and then got better and briefly mentioned the raw agony he had endured, what made this time any better? And they said he died simply because his heart gave out, couldn't take the pressure anymore, but even without any medical training she could see how uncomfortable he was. Sweating and burning up. If he could have moved, he would have writhed. So was it truly peaceful? Or was that just the nice way to package it all up.

"Do you need to stop?" Ashley asked and Abi realised she was sobbing as they walked. She shook her head no and wiped away her tears with her sleeve, continuing forwards to the elevator. Ashley pressed the button and it opened immediately, letting them both in. It didn't go all the way to the roof but Ash pressed the highest number it would take them and soon the whir began and they went up.

"This is the hardest bit. It'll get easier over time." Ashley said but neither of them believed it. Abi sniffed and wiped her face and Ashley stood stoic, emotionally drained. Finally the bell dinged and they climbed out, then found the discreet stair case up onto the roof and out the emergency exit. Sure enough Jordan was stood on the far corner, staring out at the horizon with tears running down his face. The sisters didn't sprint to him, didn't want to spook him, simply walked over to him and tried to find the words to say to make everything better.

"I'm fine, leave me alone." He finally yelled into the wind.  
"You're not fine."  
"You don't understand Ash, you don't understand, you both have to go."  
"Yes we do understand, he was our brother too." She yelled back, and Abi saw tears begin to run down her face too. Her hair blew in the wind and knotted and whipped her face but it didn't matter, nothing else mattered.

"Jord I can't lose you both, please," Abi begged.  
"You don't know what you're talking about! You're a child!"  
"We're all children Jord, this doesn't change that. She's young but she understands, don't do this to her, don't do this to us." Ashley cried back.  
"This isn't about you!"  
"No, no you're so right Jord, this is about you, you're hurting, you need us, step back from the edge and let us help you."  
"How can you help?!" He shouted doubtfully into the abyss. "You can't bring him back! You can't fix this!"  
"Stop swaying, please, please," Abi sobbed terrified as her only brother tipped forwards and backwards on the balls of his feet. Each time he leaned towards the long fall down she had to resist the urge to scream. It wasn't going to end well. This wasn't going to end well.

"You're up here because you're grieving, don't fix grief by putting us through yet more grief. Break the cycle, please, Jord, please," Ashley called out to him.  
"This isn't grief!"  
"What is it then? Talk to me."  
"He, it shouldn't have been him! He was good and honest and selfless and I'm a piece of crap! It should have been me!"  
"Don't, don't say that," Ash tried to tell him bravely but sobs were escaping from between her lips.  
"It's true! I used to tell Mom that the pharmacy charged $85 every time I went to pick up Josh's oxygen cannulas each month. They charged $20, I kept the rest and I bought myself a fucking laptop. He fucking died and I, I exploited him!"  
"It was mistake Jordan! A mistake! You don't deserve to die because of it! Please, please Jord, just come back from the edge." She cried, wiping her face.  
"I can't,"

"Abi, go, go and find that nurse who checked on us, try and get Mom too, I'll stay, it'll all be okay," Ashley instructed tearfully and Abi nodded, sprinting back towards the fire escape door.

"You should go too."  
"Jord I'm not leaving you,"  
"Go! GO!"  
"No," she shook her head stubbornly and tearfully, then took a few shaky steps forwards until she too was stood on the ledge of the rooftop. It was high, a lot higher than she expected, and the wind tugged and tore at her jacket, flapping and flying all over the place. She had to hold herself tight, lock her knees straight to stop the pull of the air sending her tumbling down.

"Hold my hand Jord," Ashley told him, extending a hand out towards him. "Please," she whispered and eventually he did.  
"He's gone," he broke down, sobbing.  
"You don't have to join him. Stay here, stay with me."  
"I, I don't want to go back Ash, I can't face it, I can't go back down there,"  
"You don't have to, just stay with me, sit with me. We can sit here as long as you need, I promise." Ashley said gently, cautiously helping him to sit, then balancing carefully and sitting beside him. Their legs hung off the hospital roof and she hugged him tight as he hiccuped and hyperventilated and howled into her chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait :/ I've been unwell with my mental health and been struggling with hallucinations, but hope this was still alright xx


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little trigger warning for those sensitive to self harm/blood/violence, and brief mentions of sexual assault. Stay safe <3 x

**"I'm bored," Blurryface** said, pacing the floor ominously as Tyler watched from the bed. He was bored too, he wanted a fiddle, he wanted to stim, he didn't want to be **Blurry's** entertainment. **Blurry** was only ever entertained by pain.

"Mmm,"  
**"Let's do something."**  
"What?" Tyler asked, playing with a flap of skin on the side of his thumb.  
**"Show me your pretty pretty arms again."**  
"O-okay," he nodded shakily, rolling up his hoodie sleeves past his elbows and letting **Blurry** sit next to him on the mattress.  
**"Take the dressings off baby boy, let me see,"**  
"Mark said no, Mark said I won't get my stims back if I keep taking them off."  
**"Mark's not real Ty. He was my little experiment, my test to see who you truly pledge allegiance to. I am your friend, aren't I Ty?"**  
"Yes."  
**"So you'll do this for me."**  
"Yes." Tyler nodded over and over whilst trying to find a small lift in the sticky edge of one of the dressings. Finally he found a small bubble and ripped it with his bloody fingertips, relishing in the short pain that came with tearing the glue from his skin. One bloodied gauze thrown aside soon lead to two then three then all eight were off and all the dozens of cuts were on show for **Blurry's** inspection.

Each had been done exactly to **his** specification. **He** dictated where they would go, what angle they would be, how deep, how long, even how they would be inflicted. It was **Blurry's** choice whether Tyler used the small piece of glass he had snuck in in his sneaker insole or the sharp edge of the metal bracket which they had broken underneath his bed or the snapped handle of a plastic fork from mealtime. Even with every detail explained, Tyler still did it wrong usually and **Blurry** had to explain it over and over again until the cut was finally perfect. Even if it took him 10 shots, Tyler wasn't going to let **Blurry** down.

 **"Pretty pretty." He** cooed and Tyler blushed. **He** reached out and ran **his** black finger along the semi healed but still painful marks whilst Tyler tried not to wince. The pain wasn't anything he should be afraid of, it was liberating him. He liked it, **Blurry** said so. The black finger left a black smudged trail that meandered along the rows of slices and looped round several that the figure seemed to enjoy. Finally **he** retracted his touch and the tingles stopped.

 **"I made you dirty."**  
"It's okay **Blur** , I forgive you."  
**"You need to clean up."**  
"I need to clean up."  
**"Clean up then." Blurryface** instructed.  
"I, I, don't know how,"  
**"I love that you're such an idiot." He** gibed but Tyler smiled because **he** loved something about him, **he** loved him.

 **"Use your nails Ty, scratch with your nails and the dirt will go."**  
"Thank you." Tyler replied then began rubbing his stumpy chewed fingers along the cuts. Although they were no longer sharp enough to break skin, occasionally the corners of scabs would rip off and before long the majority of his wounds were open and seeping and raw and blood ran down from some, leaving behind a red mess as Tyler spread the liquid up and down with his strokes.

 **"When Mark checks, don't be afraid,"**  
"I won't be." Tyler shook his head as he continued cleaning.  
**"He's not real, he's in your head and he's a test, remember?"**  
"He tests my allegiance."  
**"That's right baby boy, that's right. And who's supporting you?"**  
"You **Blur** ,"  
**"Yes I am, so who do you trust?"**  
"You **Blur**." Ty said, trying to focus on his friend's words and the motions of the liquid on his arms and not the small stars appearing in the corners of his vision and the way his brain seemed to spin inside his skull.

 **"If he's angry then I'll back you up."**  
"Thank you,"  
**"I'll take him away, make him disappear,"**  
"How?" He asked as his blood trickled and grew on the white bed sheets.  
**"Same as the others, cancer."**

" **Blur** ,"  
**"Yes baby boy?" Blurryface** said, running **his** hand across Tyler's thigh soothingly.  
"About Josh-"  
**"Tyler, I said you weren't to talk about him," he** growled protectively as Tyler had to blink away more stars.  
"Sorry, I know, sorry, I just have one question."  
**"As long as it's only one."**  
"I know why you did it, made me think he had cancer, it was to protect me from him,"  
**"That's right baby boy,"**  
"If you don't mind me asking, if it's alright, if it's okay for me to know, what did he do to me that meant you needed to step in?"  
**"You don't remember?"**  
"No, you, you did a really good job of protecting me **Blur** , I don't remember anything,"  
**"It's better that way Ty,"**  
"Please," **  
**"I don't want you to get upset, you're my baby boy, I protected you for a reason, you can't handle it Ty,"  
"I can,"  
**"Tyler, who knows best?"**  
"You do **Blur**."  
**"What he did to you, it was exploitative, it was violating, it wa-"**  
"Was it rape?"  
"Good morning Tyl- oh Ty, lemme grab the first aid kit." Mark said as he entered, saw the bloody mess, then ran back out.

**"Stay calm, it's just a test."**

"What happened Tyler? Did **he** make you?" Mark asked as he ran back in with a green box and immediately grabbed Tyler's pulsing arms and began pressing dressings against the wounds.  
"No, I wanted to."  
"Tyler if you're having self harm urges then you need to use some of the safety plans we made." He said as he continued cleaning up the bleeding throbbing cuts.

"I did."  
"Which one?"  
**"Tell him you stimmed but didn't have any toys."**  
"Stimming, but I've got no toys,"  
"Tyler you've got no tools because you attacked Pete with one and you're not safe with the rest. If you want tools back then you need to start earning our trust back again, and one way you can do that is by finding us when you have urges." Mark said, concentrating on the wounds he was treating.

 **"It's a test. Who do you trust, him? The man who took your toys? Or me? Your best friend."**  
"You know Tyler, your birthday's coming up soon, if you want any home leave then you need to stop tearing off these dressings."  
"Mark,"  
"Yes?"  
"Does sexual assault cause hallucinations?"  
**"Tyler stop talking."**  
"Sexual assault? Tyler do you want to come to my office and talk to me and Dr Arlidge about this?"  
"No no, I was just wondering,"

"Right, keep going, I'm listening,"  
"But, you know, like, could it? A protector?"  
"Trauma can sometimes trigger mental health problems as a protection mechanism yes." Mark replied, no longer focusing on his arms and instead looking him in the eyes concerned. **Blurry** never looked at him concerned, it was either anger or jealousy or possessiveness. Now it was anger.

"Tyler, the important thing when it comes to sexual assault is talking to people. As soon as you tell someone, they can help you to process and manage what's happened and they can also bring you justice. Do you understand?"  
"I'm just wondering."  
"Are you wondering whether you might have been assaulted Tyler?"  
**"Say no."**  
"Just thinking."  
**"I said SAY NO!" Blurry** panicked, **he** always panicked when Tyler disobeyed **him** , when **he** couldn't control him.

"Let's think together, can you tell me what's made you think?"  
**"Tyler stop it, stop him, it's a test, you love me, not him, he's not even real!"**  
"Do you think maybe it was recent or a long time ago?"  
"Long ago,"  
"Do you think you know what might have happened to you?"  
"I, I, I think so,"  
"Do you think you know who might have done it?"  
"Yes,"  
"A woman or a man?"  
"Man,"  
"Someone you know?"  
"Yes,"  
"Can you tell me his name?"  
"Josh."  
"Oh," Mark nodded, and Tyler could see the disbelief in his eyes.  
**"He doesn't trust you, I trust you."**

"Can we talk about Josh please Tyler?"  
"He hurt me."  
"Do you remember what Dr A and Mom explained to you yesterday?"  
**"They're not real."**  
"Mark how do I know who's real?" Tyler suddenly asked.  
"That's a good question Tyler, and if you start going to group therapy sessions they discuss different techniques you can try. However a good place to start is just asking me."  
"What if you're not real though?"  
"Okay, let me finish this then we'll talk." Mark told Tyler, wrapping thick bandages around both his arms. Usually they just gave him dressings, but he knew he must have ripped them off too many times now.  
**"You can tie a noose with the bandages."**

"Can I sit next to you?"  
"Ok."  
"And don't worry, I'll get rid of these blood stained sheets and get you some fresh ones in a moment."  
**"Laced with poison."**  
"Thank you."

"So do you understand that you have two different types of psychotic symptoms?"  
**"He's lying."**  
"I think so, hallucinations and um, and, and the other one,"  
"Delusions, that's right Ty."  
**"Don't let him fucking patronise you like that, it's a test."**  
"Hallucinations are when you see things or hear things that I can't, like voices and like **Blurry**. Last admission you only ever had one hallucination, and that was **Blurryface**. **He's** not real-"  
**"LIES!"**  
"And even if **he** tells you differently, you have to rationalise and try to understand that other people can't see **him**."  
"Mmm,"  
**"You love me, don't you? Say it baby boy, say you love me,"**  
"I think the best way to work out whether someone is real is to listen to what they're saying and if they're doing something harmful towards you then they're not real. So, for example, if someone tells you to peel off your dressings and open your cuts again, is that harmful?"  
"Yes." Tyler decided.  
**"It's beauty, he doesn't understand, none of them understand."**  
"And who told you to do the harmful thing?"  
" **Blur** ,"  
"So is **Blur** real?"  
**"Me or him, who is it Ty? Whose side are you on? It's one or the other. Think this through, don't do something you'll regret."**  
"You don't have to say it just yet, it's difficult I know, just think about it."  
**"Precious boy, so confused, let me show you the way."**

"Tyler the other side is delusions. That's where you believe something or you perceive information in a way that's not quite right. You might think you've got special powers or you can control the weather or that the news anchor is talking to you specifically, or you might think you've been attacked. Do you think that that might be what's happening with your beliefs about Josh?"  
**"He thinks you're lying, I'm trying to protect you."**  
"No,"  
"No? You think it happened?"  
"It did."  
"Okay, well if you come into my office later then we'll discuss the details and consider reporting it." Mark said but Tyler knew that he wouldn't. He knew he wasn't on Tyler's side, so that meant Tyler was on **Blurry's** side.

"Tyler I think delusions are difficult to identify, but shall we focus on identifying hallucinations? Can that be a target? Identifying someone or something who is doing harmful things to you?"  
"Mark,"  
"Yes Ty?"  
"You took all my stims toys away from me."  
"For your own saf-."  
"That was a harmful thing,"  
"Tyl-"  
"You did a harmful thing to me, you, you're, you're not real. You're a hallucination, and, and I shouldn't trust you, I'm on **his** side and **he's** on mine."

 

 

"Thank you again Mrs Black," Patrick thanked Jenna's mom, hugging her on the doorstep.  
"Anytime Pat, and I mean that okay? If you want to sleep over again tonight then come back, not a problem. I should imagine Debby and Jen will be here a while so you're more than welcome to rejoin them at any point sweetheart."  
"Thank you, I think I'll be alright but thanks,"  
"Keep in touch darling,"  
"Bye," he smiled then stepped onto the path and waved as she shut the door.

The cold air tore through his thin shirt as he began the walk home, and his fingers and nose went numb near instantly. The cosy warm living room already seemed a distant memory as the gravel crunched under Pat's sneakers, and he let out a sigh of condensation.

It had all happened at once. Them getting kicked out by Pete's parents. Pete getting admitted. Josh dying. Even though he knew it was coming, he knew they were going to lose him, it still shook him to the core. It was real and he was gone.

Josh and 'Trick, the unspoken dream team of mental health carers was split up forever more. No longer would he receive an unprovoked message at 3am telling him to go to sleep, and never again would they sit together taking turns to supervise their sick loved ones. It was done, he was gone.

With a sigh he shoved his numb hand into his pocket and took out his phone, scrolling then dialling Young Minds and holding the screen to his ear.  
"Hello, this is Michael at Young Minds Psychiatric Unit, how can I help?"  
"Hi, this is Patrick and I'm calling about my boyfriend Pete Wentz, is he available for a call?"  
"Oh hey Pat, really sorry but you've just missed him, he's gone in for therapy."  
"He went in? Willingly?"  
"A little gentle persuasion but yeah, not forced."  
"Oh that's good, don't interrupt for me then, just let him know that I called and I love him."  
"Will do,"  
"If he wants to talk to me then call anytime and I'll answer."  
"Are you coming for a visit today?"  
"Nah, I um, just need a day, Josh and everything," Patrick sighed guilty.  
"That's alright, no further explanation needed, I'll tell him to call instead."  
"Only if he wants."  
"Of course. Can I help with anything else?"  
"No that's it thanks Michael, speak soon,"  
"Alright bye Pat, have a good rest,"  
"Thanks, bye."

The trembles that plagued his hand as he put his phone away were definitely not caused by the cold, but regardless there wasn't much he could do about them. If he knew a quick fix for emotional overload then he'd be a very rich man indeed. But no, instead he continued walking down the middle of the silent road, kicking the occasional stone that crossed his path.

Walking down the centre of the road was a bad habit that Pete always called him out on, but there was no Pete and no incentive to consider potential danger. The road was empty and Patrick was full and overflowing with a constant swirl of emotions. It was only when he finally looked up that he realised he had carelessly meandered down the wrong road and ended up heading down Tyler's end of town. A quick 180 turn would have righted the wrong and have him home within 5 minutes but instead Pat continued his wander along the long route, feeling unmotivated to rush back to his parents' sympathetic stares.

The wind howled, nipping at his skin, and Patrick pulled his hood up to cover his head. Hands shoved deep in his pockets and eyes down, again he was unaware of what was ahead of him. Only once he glanced up to check for traffic did he see the huddled figure crouched on the curb a few houses away.

"Brendon?" He called out cautiously, jogging over to him.  
"Fuck off!"  
"Woah, the fuck happened?" Pat asked alarmed as Brendon tore his face from his knees and revealed a black eye, bleeding nose and split lip. Tears ran down his face but did nothing to wash away the dried blood coating his pale skin. As he knelt next to him he was hit with the stench of alcohol and knew his friend was intoxicated.

"Who did this to you?"  
"Fuck off,"  
"Are you hurt?"  
"Lee me alone!" Brendon slurred angrily.  
"Come on mate, let's get you home,"  
"I'm I'm I'm not y'mate!"  
"Okay, but should I help you home anyway?"  
"I don't wanna be ere,"  
"Alright Bren, I'll take you back to your house, come on,"  
"You don understan, I don't wanna be here! I DON'T WANNA BE HERE!" He screeched desperately.  
"Help me understand Bren, where do you want to be?" Patrick replied calmly.  
"With him,"  
"Who?"  
"Josh,"

"Brendon Josh is gone, he passed away, he's in Heaven now."  
"I know," Brendon nodded unsteadily, tears continuing to run down his bloody bruised cheeks and his teeth temporarily finding a home in his swollen bottom lip. "I need to go too."  
"Wait, Bren, what?"  
"I don't wanna be here,"  
"As in here at all? You don't wanna be here at all?" Patrick checked alarmed, fearing yet another suicidal friend.

"Ave you got anythin to drink?"  
"No, you've had enough, talk to me Brendon, why don't you want to be here anymore?"  
"Cos of him,"  
"Josh?"  
"Ryan," Brendon practically spat the name of his ex boyfriend, a man that Patrick had barely even devoted a moment's thought to in the past year.  
"Ryan? What did Ryan do?"  
"Made me do stuff," he hiccuped and Patrick's heart stopped.  
"When?"  
"Yes-yesterday and, and in the night too,"  
"Sexual stuff?" Patrick asked and Brendon didn't answer. "Brendon, did Ryan make you have sex with him?"  
"No," he murmured and Pat let out a sigh of relief.

"What happened B?"  
"I tried my best and he was mean to me!"  
"He was mean?"  
"I, I, I did stuff for him-"  
"Consensually?"  
"Y-yeh," he nodded tearfully, "and he said I was bad, and it made me sad,"  
"That wasn't very nice of him, was it?" Patrick said sympathetically whilst remaining aware of how off his face Brendon clearly was.

"A-and then he, he snor-ted all this coke and kicked me and kicked me and he punched me too P-at, told, me, to rot in He-ell with J-osh,"  
"Oh shit Brendon."  
"I did my best!" He wept.  
"Fucking Hell, right, did he hurt you? Are you hurt other than your face."  
"My tummy feels funny,"  
"Can I see? Will you show me?" Patrick softly asked the crying drunk man, who nodded shyly then peeled up his shirt to reveal the mass of horrific bruises scattering his ribcage. He didn't claim to be a doctor but he was fairly certain a couple of those ribs were cracked and if he was kicked with the same force in his abdomen then internal bleeding was a genuine risk.

"Bren, my house is close, will you walk to my car with me and let me take you to a doctor?"  
"Hospital?"  
"Yeah, that way they can make you better and we can file a police report against Ryan for assault."  
"Can't,"  
"You'll be able to do it I promise, you were brave enough to tell me and I'll help you be brave again and tell the police."  
"No, I, I can't go to the hospital, they'll, if I have bloods done then they'll see. I've um, I've got stuff in me I shouldn't."  
"More than alcohol and weed?"  
"Uh huh." He nodded tearfully.  
"Shit Brendon." Patrick sighed, not knowing what to do. "Coke?"  
"Mmm," he nodded again.  
"Did you want to?"  
"No,"  
"Right."

"Pat?"  
"Yeh mate?"  
"I took pills."  
"Ecstasy again?"  
"No, all, all my ADD pills,"  
"How many Brendon, tell me how many."  
"Only, only maybe 15 or 12 because I had no more."  
"Brendon we have to go to the hospital, I don't know the strength but you've overdosed."  
"S'fine,"  
"It's not fine." Patrick told him sternly, trying to control his shakes.  
"I, I, I been sick,"  
"You made yourself sick? How soon after you took them?"  
"No, no no I was just sick by mistake, but, I had some vodka and I was sick."  
"They could still be making you unwell,"  
"Was a-ages ago n I'm fine,"  
"How long ago?"  
"After Ry-an told me to,"  
"Ryan made you overdose?"  
"He said he didn't like me!" Brendon cried and Patrick rubbed his back soothingly, trying not to panic. "So I took them,"  
"It's alright Brendon, come on deep breaths, I just need to make sure that physically you're not in immediate danger and then we'll talk about Ryan and make sure we get our happy Brendon back."

"I not happy,"  
"I know mate, I know."  
"I took pills,"  
"Brendon, be honest with me, did you want to die? Is that why you took them?" Patrick asked and Brendon nodded sadly, a small pout of his wavering bottom lip. "Oh Bren,"  
"He, he was, I love him and he was mean to me! I've been so good, I, I trying to be a g-good person, help, b-be calm and not hy-hyper and, and he said he hates me! I don't, I dunno what to do!"  
"Okay, breathe, listen to me okay? What you don't do is let yourself believe that any of this is your fault, and you don't take it out on yourself either. You've been such a good person and such a good friend and we love you, we love you Brendon. Ryan doesn't want what's best for you, I mean just look at what he did to you, he is not worth your time nor your tears. Me, I care about you Brendon, I love you, and I'm not going to let him hurt you again. Let us help, you don't need him, you just need a little love from us. Will you come back to my house and let me sort you out? I'll look after you, sober you up, clean your wounds, then we'll see if we need to take you to a doctor."  
"Okay," he nodded tearfully.

 

 

  
Abi woke up to a crashing sound downstairs, startling her awake with a small gasp. The noise clearly didn't wake her siblings, who remained asleep in each other's arms on Ashley's bed. The three of them had all taken a much needed afternoon rest in the double bed, and Jordan was safely sandwiched between his two sisters. Trusting that Ashley would have him covered if he woke and freaked again, she rolled off the mattress and slowly headed downstairs whilst rubbing her eyes.

The sounds weren't as loud as the one that shocked her awake a minute ago but still they continued and it didn't take long to track them to Josh's old downstairs bedroom.  
"Mom? What's going on?"  
"Abi! Oh good timing, can you sort that pile please?" Laura asked, looking up from where she was sat on the floor. Josh's hospital bed had been pushed against one wall and every single one of the blue boxes from the storage wall had been turned upside down and emptied into the middle. Abi saw a few black trash bags and several cardboard boxes, and her heart dropped as she saw one of them was labelled dump.

"Mom? Wh-what are you doing?"  
"Sorting through all this old junk."  
"This isn't junk, Mom, this, this is all of Josh's stuff." Abi said shakily, walking into the room and kneeling opposite her.  
"He doesn't need it anymore, neither do we, best get this room back, we can turn it back into an office for Ashley to revise in. The hospice are coming to pick up the bed and the hoist at 9am tomorrow, that pile is going with them as a donation, all of that is for the charity shop, those are for Starlight ward, all that heap is going to the dump, then I've kept a couple of bits and bobs that Debby wants." She explained, pointing around at the piles.

"What about us?"  
"Hmm?" She asked, tossing several sealed packets of gauzes across the room.  
"Mom what about us, what do we get to remember him by? You're just chucking all his things away, I mean, he wore this all the time, he loved this," Abi said quietly, reaching into the dump pile and pulling out Josh's beanie, stroking it sadly with her thumb.

"He wore that to cover the fact he lost his hair, I don't want anything cancer related in the house, back in the box Abi."  
"But Mom-"  
"Back in the box!" Her mom snapped and Abi put it away, biting her bottom lip and trying to suppress tears. "If you really want something then run up and grab it from his upstairs bedroom when he was well enough to get up there. I'm going in there next to sort so be quick."  
"No,"  
"No? What do you mean no?"  
"You can't do this, you, you can't just throw him away and pretend he never existed,"  
"I'm not,"  
"You are Mom, you're erasing any evidence that he was ever here. Throwing away his belongings, getting rid of both his bedrooms. Let me guess, all the photos have to be taken down next, fold him out of the group shots just like you did to Dad."  
"Abigail it's not like that at all, Bill was a destructive alcoholic who tried to ruin this family, Josh was my son."  
"Is, he is your son."  
"You need to let us move on."  
"It's been 2 days Mom! He, he's not even buried yet! Josh isn't even buried yet and you're already telling me to move on," Abi broke down into sobs. She cried into her hands for a minute before feeling her mother's touch on her back, then let her pull her into a hug. Although she wanted to be angry at her mom, she couldn't resist the comfort of collapsing against her chest.

"Sshhh, shh come on darling, you're alright, shhh," she hushed quietly, stroking her hair calmingly. "I'm sorry Mom snapped, sorry darling. I don't ever want you to think that Mom's trying to forget Joshie, I'm not and I never will. All I'm doing is trying to make this house a bit easier for us to come back to. Walking past this room, for me at least, it's brought up a lot of memories that I don't want to remember. When I think of Joshie, I don't want to think of the seizures and all the attacks that happened in here, I want to remember happy healthy Joshie."  
"He, he was happy," Abi cried.  
"You're right that he tried very hard to be and he was very good at putting on a brave face but he was terrified baby. Whenever you or your brother or sister or Ty or anyone else was with him, he was all smiles and jokes, but those long nights when it was just him and me, the facade fell down. He was in unbelievable pain and absolutely petrified, and it's not nice for Momma to think about those nights in this room."  
"Mmm," she sniffed tearfully.

"Abi I need to clear out a bit, need to get rid of his equipment and get rid of the nasty memories. Now, if you want to help me, pull out some personal things of his you'd like to keep then that's okay, but I can't be keeping it all. You understand that yeah?"  
"Yeah,"  
"If you want his beanie then you can have it, same with a few pieces of clothing or some of his necklaces or that sort of thing, but we're not keeping his oxygen masks or anything medical like that. Does that seem reasonable?"  
"Yeah," Abi nodded, wiping her face.

"Would you like to sort through and pick out a hoodie maybe?"  
"Yes please,"  
"Okay sweetie, but first I have some little things I'd like to give to you and Jord and Ash; are they up?"  
"Sleeping,"  
"Alright, let's not wake them, are you going to be okay alone for 1 minute whilst Momma grabs something from the other room?"  
"Yeh," Abi murmured, sitting up from her mom's chest and wiping her snotty face with her sleeve. Her mom rubbed her shoulder supportively then left the room, and Abi took another minute to swallow down her wavering breath before half crawling half sliding over to a pile of clothes and digging through them for something sentimental. Each item meant something to her but she had to resist the urge to break down, hunting for that one special thing she would no doubt treasure forever.

"Okay here we are darling," Laura said, coming back in and kneeling beside her with three photo frames. "I've got three for each of you,"  
"Thank you," she sniffed, taking them from her. The first she looked down at was a photograph of all 4 siblings and their mom together, smiling at the camera. She couldn't remember exactly when it was taken but Josh still had his hair and still looked healthy. They were all sat on the same tartan picnic rug, squinting in the sun and looking genuinely happy, and Abi smiled through the sobs. She set it aside and looked at the second.

"He's got the oxygen in that one but I liked the picture so I thought it would be okay, but if you want one without then I'll print it." Mom told her as Abi cried over the photograph of just her and her big brother. Admittedly he did have the tube running under his nose but she was so used to seeing it that she barely even noticed. All she could see through her tear blurred vision was Josh's perfect grin and their cheeks smushed together as they squeezed together for the camera.  
"I, I like this,"  
"Okay darling, one more,"

"Oh Jo-oshie," she broke down further, covering her face with one hand as she saw the final frame. Their mother had specially chosen a photo that perfectly summed up how Abi wanted to remember her brother. Pink hair, nose piercing, gauges and no cancer. There was no oxygen supply, no IV or TPN, not even the handles of his wheelchair were visible in shot. It was a candid that was both perfectly focused and perfectly natural. He was smiling, he was happy, and he was unaware of what laid ahead of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My name's Maisie but most people just call me unreliable *finger guns*  
> Hehe, sorry this is so late


	28. Chapter 28

The mid November weather made the sisters' teeth chatter as they stood on the doorstep, and when Ashley saw Abi shudder she swapped the bag to her other hand so she could wrap an arm around her shoulder. Still she shook and Ashley rubbed her bicep, hoping Jenna would open the door soon.

"Girls, come in come in," Mrs Black ushered them in, quickly closing the door once they were in the hall. Immediately she hugged Abi, squeezing her tight and stroking her hair. After a long minute she turned to Ashley, who put down the bag, and did the same to her.

"I am sorry, girls, I know that doesn't mean anything but I love you both and I hope you're doing okay."  
"Thank you," Ashley answered for them.  
"I thought Jordan was coming, is he holding up alright?" The mother enquired softly.  
"Struggling," she replied honestly.  
"Bless, and Mom?"  
"Mom's okay, not fantastic, but okay."  
"She's not eating," Abi said quietly.  
"She's just keeping herself busy, um, sorting out the whole house, organising everything, says she doesn't have time to eat." Ashley explained.

"I'm sure this is harder on her than even you can imagine, do you think she'd like it if I popped by to offer a helping hand in any way I can?"  
"She um, we've had loads of people bring flowers and she always gets me to send them away. Thanks but uh, I think she needs time."   
"Course, but I'm here whenever for whoever." Jenna's mom smiled sympathetically at them.

"Debby, Jenna and Zack are all in Jen's room, do you want to head up?"  
"Thank you,"  
"Can I get you any hot drinks to take up with you?"  
"No thank you Mrs Black."  
"Okay, well it's good to see you both."  
"You too." Ashley said, then lead the way to the staircase with her bag in her hand and her sister's hand in her other.

As she ascended the flight, she had to resist the urge to sigh. She knew the next couple of weeks were going to contain nothing but sympathetic stares and people walking on egg shells. However, as she squeezed Abi's hand, she realised that the young girl probably needed people to be especially sensitive around her. It wasn't that Ashley wasn't upset, she was, she just didn't cry as often as Abigail had been.

"Hi," she began, voice soft and tired as they entered Jenna's bedroom and saw the three friends sat on the pile of cushions and comforters. She tried not to think about the huge mass of blankets and comforters that Josh needed to regulate his temperate, and instead focused on hugging each of them in turn as they extended their arms out to her and then Abi.

"Thank you so much for coming," Debby said once all five of them settled down on the comfy mattress. As Ashley looked at her brother's girlfriend, she noticed what a complete wreck she was. Eyes red and puffy, lips chewed and bloody, nose sore and running.  
"S'okay, and we brought some things of his with us for you guys."  
"There's more if you want," Abi added quietly as Ashley put the bag in the middle of the group then delicately emptied it for them to search through, although nobody touched anything to begin with.

"Did he write a will?" Jenna asked.  
"He forgot how to read and write," Debby said quietly.  
"No not a will, but he did write some letters, well, he typed them on his laptop back when he still could. Mom needs to find the laptop charger and then she'll find the files and print them, just be patient."  
"Wow okay, thank you,"  
"But you can have whatever you want from this, we've already taken our favourites, and yeah. I dunno whether maybe Pat, Pete, Ty or Bren want anything but we can give them some or you guys can or yeah."  
"Thank you,"

"I think it's probably best if we pass stuff on for you, they're um, none of them are coping very well at the moment and it's perhaps not a good idea for you to get involved right now." Jenna told the two sisters.  
"What's going on?"  
"My brother and Pete are both on Young Minds, then I don't know the details but by the sound of it Brendon has done his usual selfish stunt and gone partying but pushed it too far and Patrick said something about coke, I dunno, it wasn't a good phone line, but yeah he's being an asshole so just steer clear." Zack said.  
"I don't think he did it to hurt us intentionally but he doesn't really think about repercussions and consequences of his actions, and quite frankly he's just adding more problems to the long list we already have. Like I get he's upset but so are we and we all managed to stick to the plan of staying together here, I just wish he wouldn't always do this." Debby sighed sadly.  
"Yeah, and the last thing Patrick needs is to be caring for another person." Jenna added.

"Is Pat okay?" Abi asked.  
"He um, he's missing Pete a lot, like a lot a lot, but he'll be alright eventually."  
"And Pete?"  
"Seems to be at least trying to get better, going to sessions and stuff. I take you don't know what happened with Ty though?"  
"No, what?"  
"Ty tried to strangle him with a piece of ribbon," Zack said and Ashley's stomach dropped.

"Is he okay?"  
"Ty or Pete?"  
"Well both,"  
"Pete needed Pat to calm him down but I think he's alright now. Ty's not well at all." Jenna replied.  
"Has anyone seen him?"  
"Mom and Dad have been but he keeps lashing out, Mom's black and blue, so they won't let me visit." Zack told them and Ashley still felt sick. "Some stupid bitch told him to make friends with **Blurryface** , so now they're besties and Ty trusts **him** rather than Mark or us. He's basically convinced that Josh was never sick in the first place but **Blurry** made him think it to protect him from something Josh did. Josh is the bad guy, **Blurry** is the good guy is basically his thought process right now,"

"Josh wasn't a bad person," Abigail said a little tearfully.  
"That wasn't what he meant sweetheart, look at me, look, Josh was the best person in the whole wide world and now he's the best Angel in Heaven." Jenna told her, reaching across and holding her hands tightly. "Tyler's sick and he doesn't understand what's happening or what he's saying. Nobody thinks he was a bad person, nobody. We all love him,"  
"Yeah," Debby nodded. "He was the most caring and also the smoothest boy I've ever met."  
"Do you want to tell Abi the story you told me earlier?" Jenna prompted Debby softly, and she nodded.

"Yeah, so um, so when your brother and I used to go on dates, we always had to plan them super meticulously to make sure that he could have all his meds at the right time and not be outside for too long or even just simple things like checking places had ramps and wheelchair access. It meant that quite often we'd do the same 2 dates on rotation because we knew they'd work and he'd be safe."  
"Yeah," Abi sniffed.

"However when it was our anniversary, I was all dressed up in a pretty frock expecting just to do the usual, but I opened the door and there he was, holding balloons dressed in a suit. Well I say holding, your mom had tied them to his wrist brace which then resulted in us spending about 10 minutes giggling in my kitchen because I couldn't undo the damn knots."  
"I remember Mom tying them," Ashley recalled fondly, not making eye contact.  
"Yeah? And when we did finally get them off, we left them in my kitchen and he told me that we were going into town. At this point he wasn't strong enough to do his own chair, but I didn't mind pushing him, in fact I really enjoyed it if I'm honest. Anyway, we got to town and I headed towards the cinema because that's just what we always did, I mean he couldn't eat so we didn't go to restaurants or anything. So I was going to the cinema and then suddenly he told me to stop, so immediately I stopped dead and went round to him to see what was wrong. Instead of something bad, he was grinning his little cheeks off."  
"Bless,"  
"He told me that we weren't going to the movies, and instead pointed to a little cafe across the street. We walked past it all the time and I always told him how much I'd love to go there because it's just so cute, but never found the time. Countless occasions he's offered to go there on date night but I felt bad about taking him somewhere just to sit and watch me eat. However this time he told me to take us there, so I did."  
"Right,"

"We go in and all the lights are off. I tried to tell him that maybe it was closed but he told me to hold his hand, so I did. We were only stood in the dark for a second before a whole load of gentle fairy lights were switched on and I was finally able to see the cafe. It was beautifully decorated with the little lights and flowers and balloons, and in the far corner was a band. As soon as I realised he had somehow arranged Vesperteen to turn up to our anniversary, I immediately burst into tears. They're our favourite band and they were right there and then they started playing for us and Josh couldn't stop smiling and I couldn't stop crying."  
"He was amazing."  
"Yep," Debby nodded tearfully but with a smile. "We sat in the cafe - at first we attempted to slow dance but after the fourth time he ran over my toes and we burst into hysterics, we decided to call it a day - so we sat and we listened and we talked and we laughed and we kissed and it was the best night of my life."  
"Thanks, um, thanks for telling me," Abi also smiled tearfully.

"Was he wearing a black tie?"  
"Yeah," Debby replied, so Ashley rummaged through the pile for a moment before finding it.  
"Here,"  
"Is, is this the same one?" She asked cautiously, reaching out and taking it then running the soft silk between her shaking fingers.  
"He only had one." Ashley laughed.  
"Wore it to church, wore it to weddings, wore it to christenings, wore it to baptisms, wore it to funerals, wore it to posh restaurants, wore it on dates, wore it to pre-soccer game ceremonies. You name it, he wore it." Abi chuckled sadly to herself, toying with her nail.

"Can I keep it?" Debby asked the sisters hopefully.   
"Course." Ashley answered, receiving a smile. "All of this, it's um, it's yours if you want it. Anything of his that we don't keep for sentiment is just going to charity, so help yourselves."  
"Thank you girls, and if you're not in a rush to get back to Jord and your mom then maybe you'd like to stay here with us for a bit? Keep telling stories? I know he would have liked that." Jenna offered and Ashley looked over at her sister to make sure that they were in agreement before nodding.

 

 

When Patrick woke up, Brendon was already awake and already sat on his windowsill crying whilst hugging his knees. Patrick rubbed his eyes for a moment then propped himself up on his bed with his elbow.  
"Bren?"  
"Sorry," he sniffed, wiping his face with the back of his wrist.  
"No no, it's alright, are you okay?" Pat asked but all Brendon managed was a quick shake of his head.

"How long have you been up?"  
"Hour," Brendon shrugged quietly.  
"Brendon you should have woken me."  
"You um, you stayed up with me, you needed sleep, s'fine."  
"Still man, I'm here whenever you need me."  
"Thanks," he breathed barely audibly.

"Do you want a shower? Or a bath? I can run you one, not a problem."  
"No thanks,"  
"Might help with bruising?"  
"I'm fine,"

"You gonna stay with me today though Brendon?"  
"Got no one else," he sniffed.  
"That's not true, we're all supporting you, but stick with me today alright? I wanna make sure you're okay."  
"Mmm,"  
"Brendon."  
"Okay."

"Do your parents know where you are?"  
"I'm a piece of shit son who goes out every night. They won't worry till it hits the week mark."  
"Will you drop them a text? Please."  
"They won't care."  
"Yes they will. You don't have to tell them about Ryan or the drugs or the attack, just say you're safe with me."  
"Later," he sniffed, and Patrick was fairly satisfied with that.

"Are you in any pain?"  
"Uh huh,"  
"Okay I'll go grab you some paracetamol," he said, shuffling off his bed.  
"Don't."  
"Why?"  
"I don't want any pain relief Patrick."  
"Why not?"  
"Deserve it."  
"Hey, hey look at me, Brendon look me in the eyes. You do not deserve this pain. You don't deserve to be hurt, to be taken advantage of, to be manipulated and beaten. Look, you don't deserve any of this shit, what you do deserve is for me to look after you and to be appreciated and loved and also a couple of paracetamol." Patrick told him, standing by his side as he sobbed and flicked between eye contact and looking out the window.

"I'll get you some pain medication, and then we'll find you some fresh clothes and see if you need to go to the hospital still."  
"Don't need hospital." He murmured.  
"That's what you said last night right before you passed out and started choking on your own vomit."  
"But I'm still here."  
"Brendon if I hadn't turned you over you wouldn't be. Please, don't be stubborn over this, let a doctor look you over."  
"Can't afford it."  
"Is that it? Why you won't go to the hospital? Money? Because I've got $50k in the bank, I'll cover any costs."  
"That's for Pete."  
"You're just as important Brendon, please, let me do this."

"Pat I can afford it, my parents, they can afford it." Brendon admitted and Patrick listened, hoping he'd continue. "I just, I don't want to have that conversation with Mom. I don't want to have to tell her that once again I drank myself into trouble, and I did coke, got myself beat up and tried to fucking OD."  
"Mmm,"  
"She um, after Josh died, she told me to be careful. Told me not to do anything dumb because she wasn't going to pick up the pieces." He cried.  
"This wasn't dumb, this wasn't your fault and wasn't your choice."  
"She won't see it like that." Brendon said and Patrick allowed him space to think.

"What if she kicks me out?"  
"Then you'll come live with me. But she won't."  
"She might, I mean, who wants a coke snorting ADD alcoholic and now apparently suicidal son?"  
"We'll get you help, proper help."  
"I don't want proper help."  
"What do you want Bren?"  
"For this all to stop, for it to be over."  
"Okay so there's two ways out. One, the easy way, bullet through your brain. Or two, you work at this Brendon. And when I say work, I don't mean rock up to an AA meeting once a week and pray for it to finish, I mean properly work at it. I'm talking blood sweat and tears, I'm talking a level of mental torture that you've never endured before, I'm talking complete and utter dedication and commitment to getting yourself to the place where you want to be. It will be horrendously difficult but I have complete faith in your ability and your desire to recover. You can do this but you are going to feel incredibly low whilst you're fighting against everything you've ever known. I will support you through it but you need to be aware that I can't do it for you, and all the hardest bits are going to be in your own mind where I can't back you up. But none of that means you can't do it if you want to do it. Do you want to do it?"  
"I, I, I think so, yes." Brendon told Patrick shakily with streaks of tears dominating his cheeks.

"In a couple of hours I'm going to go and visit Pete, do you want to come to Young Minds with me? See if we can find you someone to talk to? Kickstart your support network?"  
"Th-tha-ank you Pat," he hiccuped.

 

 

"Good morning baby, it's Mom," Kelly said softly as she entered her son's hospital room, and saw him sat on the bed. The first thing that struck her was the sheer volume of white dressings covering every exposed area of skin. Even the backs of his hands were hidden and discoloured liquid displayed the shapes of the wounds beneath. The sight brought tears to her eyes but she gulped them down and sat on a seat beside the nurse she didn't recognise.

"Tyler, do you want to say hi to Mom?" The nurse prompted, but received no response. "Well I'm Annika, nice to meet you."  
"Kelly, and you too. How is he?" She asked, knowing Tyler wouldn't react to the fact they were talking about him in his presence.  
"Been quiet today, talking to his hallucination occasionally but nobody else, and he didn't manage any breakfast."  
"Meds?"  
"Begrudgingly." Annika nodded.  
"Well done sweetheart, proud of you."

"Tyler, we're going to have a go at a session with Dr Arlidge today aren't we?" The nurse said softly but Tyler ignored her.  
"How did yesterday's session with her go?"  
"He refused."  
"Oh Ty, honey, if you wanna get better and you wanna get out of here and come home then you nee-"  
"We're not leaving." Tyler suddenly growled.  
"No not yet baby, you're too poorly, but one d-"  
"I said we're not leaving!"  
"Why don't you want to leave Tyler?" Annika asked.  
" **He** looks after me here, protects me, can keep me safe."   
"I can keep you safe at home pumpkin." Kelly tried to tell her boy.  
"No, no no no. No you can't! Not from Josh you can't, out there, he can get me out there." Tyler shook his head profusely and Kelly's stomach dropped at the mention of Josh's name.

"Tyler Josh died remember? Cancer sweetheart." She tried to say without crying.  
"I told you she wouldn't, no, yeh no I know, thank you **Blur** , of course, you're my best friend, of course I do." Tyler muttered, clearly to the hallucination who was ruining their lives.   
"Ty baby, it's Joshie's funeral in a few days, are you going to try and stay safe so that the hospital will let you go to it?"  
" **Blur** told me your little plan, you might as well just go home." Tyler suddenly told Kelly directly, threatening eye contact almost scaring her if she hadn't had known how vulnerable her boy really was.

" **Blurryface** isn't real Tyler, we can't see **him**."  
"You're not real!"  
"I'm your mom, Ty, it's me, Momma,"  
"And **he's** my best friend!"  
" **He's** not Tyler, **he's** not your best friend, Josh is your best friend, Josh was your best friend." Kelly tried to stay calm but could feel the tears prickling.  
"I HATE JOSH!" Tyler suddenly screeched in response. "Never! Never ever say his name ever again!"  
"Tyl-"  
"Please **Blur** , I don't like it, I don't like it, make it all stop, please, please help me," he began to sob into his hands and Kelly's heart broke all over again.

"Tyler, can-" Annika began before getting interrupted.  
"Will that make them go? Please! Please **Blur** , yes, anything, yes," Tyler nodded tearfully, then quicker than either of them could react he tore a dressing off and dug his nails deep into a wound. The weak scab instantly crumbled and blood began to spill from the cut, but Tyler had already moved onto the next one. Kelly was frozen but Annika had rushed to press the assistance button then grabbed Tyler's arms and tried her best to stop him from hurting himself further. He screamed and cried but less than a minute later another doctor ran in and Tyler was restrained face down on the floor, crying his heart out and drowning out the sobs of his mother.


	29. Hidden Chapter

I am on a bridge.

I am on a bridge and I can feel water. It drums on my hair, it's relentless, it falls and it lands and it tumbles down my face. Rain. I can smell it, that distinctive blur of pelting streaks smelling of freshness far away as they hammer down onto the tarmac.

The tarmac.

Once black, faded grey, hidden in the broken reflection of the steely clouds above that have opened so harshly. An image distorted by the irregular and never ending recoils of water, splashing up at my shins, at my thighs.

But that is not all.

Another, not rain, another source of water dampens my fragile skin. A drop of cold rain runs down down down my nose and parallel to the hot streams of tears.

I am on a bridge.

My feet, encased in shoes that are far from waterproof, are on the edge. My toes are curled, not to grip, but in attempt to hold back the inevitable. Unknown and yet inevitable.

I feel afraid.

The skin that coats my hands is soaked and shrivelled, and as I turn my fingers up I fear it will simply slide away and expose the bones beneath - if I am made of bones at all. All they do is shake.

I shake and I tremble but I feel no cold.

My teeth would be chattering if I dared to open my mouth and unclench my jaw. But I do not. I fear a shriek will escape if I offer any hint of an opportunity.

So I don't.

Wind whips my hood up against my head and I almost lose control, the screams almost escape. Although it made me jump, it did not make me jump.

I am still on a bridge.

The wind is getting stronger now, and I can feel the pull begin. Swirling invisible tugs rip at my sodden clothing and the pressure forcing on the backs of my calves builds.

I lose my balance.

Suddenly I tense myself, regain control of myself, pull myself back from the fall. But for how long?

I look to my left.  
I look to my right.

1 of us is already gone. 6 still dance on the edge.

1 down. 6 to go.


	30. Chapter 30

Pete sat in his hospital room, Patrick's hoodie minus the string on top of his pyjamas, whilst slowly fiddling with a tangle stim toy. He was tired but had slept relatively well, almost 5 hours without nightmares, and he was looking forward to telling his boyfriend of his achievement. To most that would seem like nothing, but Patrick would understand because Patrick always understood and it was one of the many reasons he loved him.

That was the hardest bit of Young Minds, being away from Pat. But also that meant that the highlight of his day, what he looked forward to whilst enduring the relentless therapy sessions, was the hour they got to spend with each other.

Occasionally he would call too. Pete would be sat in the lounge or art therapy or something and Mark would poke his head round the door and say those magic words which would trigger him to sprint across the unit to the office so he could hold the landline to his ear and hear the perfect sounds of his lips.

He reckoned that was what was getting him through it all, knowing that at any point he could have a random reward for staying alive until then. And every time Patrick visited Pete would shower him in thanks but always he was shushed and shrugged off then kissed and told how brave he was. He didn't feel brave, but he trusted Patrick.

As he turned the stim toy over in his hands again, he shuddered at the memory of Tyler trying to choke him with one. The anger in his eyes and the strength in his grip. But he also shuddered at the thought of Tyler on the acute wing without any stims at all.

Pete liked stimming, it was something to do when he was bored and stopped him chewing his nails, but he knew his dependence was nothing in comparison to Tyler's. Tyler needed to stim, he needed it like air and water, he needed it like Pete needed Patrick.

Sometimes at night Pete could hear Tyler screaming.

"Morning Pete, breakfast's in 10 minutes so make sure you're dressed," Mark said, coming into his bedroom.  
"Okay,"  
"How are you feeling today?" He asked, leaning against the dresser and crossing his arms.  
"Tired, but yeah, I'm uh, I'm fairly okay. Slept for 5 hours."  
"5? We gonna aim for 6 tonight?"  
"Yeah," Pete murmured, suspecting rightly that other people wouldn't understand his success.

"Can I call Patrick please?"  
"Lara's using the phone at the moment,"  
"But after?"  
"Afterwards it will be breakfast and then group therapy and then art therapy and then lunch, so you won't have time. He's visiting after lunch, you can wait that long."  
"I can't, I need to talk to him." Pete said shakily, bouncing his knees.   
"Pete remember what we said, over reliance can have just as many negative repercussions as isolation. 6 hours and you'll see him but until then you need to engage in activities."  
"He, he needs to know I love him."  
"He knows Pete, he knows. What Patrick really wants to hear is that you're getting better, and that's not going to happen if you're not 100% committed to the treatment plan."  
"I am! A-and I, and I need to tell him that!"  
"Pete." Mark warned sternly but he couldn't tear his mind from that desire, that desperation, to hear Patrick's voice. Tears began to form along his lash lines and his whole body shook as Mark sat next to him on the bed.

"Pete look at me a minute. If you go to all of group therapy then you can call Patrick for 5 minutes before art, does that sound okay?"  
"I need him now!"  
"No you don't, you want him but you don't need him. Remember what he said yesterday? You're so much braver and so much stronger than you think you are."  
"He was just saying that! It's not true!"  
"You know why he said it? He said it because he believes it, he has so much faith in you and your ability to overcome this and go home to him. That's what you want right?" Mark said softly but Pete couldn't reply and couldn't stop shaking.

"What do you want to say to him? Is it something you could say to me or your therapist instead?" The mental health worker continued to try and engage him.  
"Nothing." Pete whispered, a few tears spilling from his wide eyes.  
"You want to call him and tell him nothing?"  
"I, I, I, I,"  
"Take a deep breath and think about what you want to say, you can do it."  
"I don't talk. He, he talks."  
"What does he talk about?"  
"Anything."  
"Does he distract you Pete?"  
"No, no, he, no he's not a distraction, he just, um, makes me feel safe."  
"And are you in danger without him?" Mark asked tentatively.  
"Not, not danger, no, but I uh, I'm unsafe without him, I, I, I don't hurt myself with Pat."  
"Why not?"  
"I dunno," he evaded the question, tears splashing onto his sheets as they talked more and more about Patrick and he missed him more and more.

"Pete, is-"  
"Everything's better when I'm with him." Pete interrupted to say.  
"Better how? What do you mean by that?"  
"Everything is perfect."  
"Is that true though Pete?"  
"I'm not a liar!" He suddenly felt very attacked.  
"No you're not, but I also don't think you're remembering totally correctly. Before Young Minds, you were living with Patrick weren't you?"   
"Uh huh." Pete nodded tearfully, abandoning his tangle and wiping his face with his bandaged wrist.

"Was that perfect?"  
"Yes." He immediately answered.  
"Sure?"  
"Yes."  
"So why are you here then Pete? Why are you in a psych hospital and not at home with Patrick?"  
"My parents," Pete sneered bitterly. "They hate me, hate us, want us to break up. They sent me here, locked me away so we couldn't be together. Homophobes intent on separating us."  
"Right," Mark listened.

"What does bipolar have to do with this then Pete?"  
"S'just a word." He shrugged.  
"Is it though? Or is it more about how you're feeling?"  
"I feel, um, I, I fe, I feel,"  
"Go on, I'm listening." Mark encouraged him hopefully.  
"I feel like I need to call Patrick."

 

 

Brendon stood in front of the full length mirror, trembling. He was scared, scared of what he was about to see, scared of what had happened, scared of what was going to happen next. But 5 minutes of putting it off was too long so he mentally slapped himself in the face then pulled his jeans down and over his socks, then his hoodie over his head with a wince. And there he stood, in boxers and socks, with a pattern of bruises decorating his exposed skin.

Horrified was an understatement and tears began to fall.

Instantly his eyes were drawn to his ribs and the darkest bruise on his whole body. Black with speckles of red and rings of purple, and the memory of a boot finding its home there over and over again.

Brendon let his eyes wander, let them notice and explore and inspect each and every tiny mark - most of which weren't that tiny. Every scrape, every scratch, every broken blood vessel and most likely broken rib had all been done by the man he thought he loved. Ryan had done this to him.

He quickly scrambled for his hoodie once again and covered as many wounds as he could before falling to the floor in sobs. He was in pain but more than that, he was hurt. Someone so dear to him, scrap that, someone who was not just someone but was his everything had left him half beaten to death to go and sniff coke.

Ryan was hooked on coke.

When they had been together, the golden days, Brendon had always be the one leading Ryan astray. Taking him to parties every night, getting him a fake ID, introducing him to his weed dealer - and now? Now he had got him hooked on cocaine.

This was all Brendon's fault and he knew that if Ryan was clean then he would never hurt him. Ryan didn't mean it, he was a nice guy, he was a gentle guy, and it was Brendon's fault for leading him down the wrong path so of course he deserved to be punished. He deserved to be punished.

"Brendon? Can I come in?" He heard Patrick say through the door but he couldn't answer, he couldn't breathe. "It's almost time for your meeting, are you ready?"   
"P-a-a-t,"  
"I'm coming in." Patrick informed him as he barged open the door to the guest room Brendon was staying in.

"Oh Bren," he sighed, falling to his knees by his side and instantly wrapping him up into a tight hug. His arms were pressing against so many of Brendon's painful bruises but he didn't care.

"I ca-an't do th-i-is!"  
"Yes you can, you can Brendon, the first few days are the hardest but you can, I know you can."  
"No no no," he cried, he sobbed.  
"You're gonna get better, these bruises will heal, Ryan will fade into the past, things will stabilise, you won't need to drink to cope because you're gonna be better."  
"I won't,"  
"Yes you will, you will because you want to, remember? And you can do anything you set your mind too. I have so much faith in you."  
"I'm, I'm, I'm gonna let you down, j-just like the rest!"  
"Shhh, come on, don't say that, you haven't let anyone down, nobody,"

"I can't do this,"  
"You can, I know you can, you just need to believe in yourself because this is only going to be even harder if you've given up before you've even tried. Please Brendon, give this group therapy a shot, I'll come in with you if you need me, and we'll take it from there. Please,"

 

 

Ashley was holding Jordan's arm tightly, possessively, as they waited in the lobby outside the group therapy hall. He knew that she didn't trust him to stay safe, he just didn't know whether he trusted himself to stay safe. The palms of his hands were clammy and the lump in his throat wouldn't go away no matter how many times he gulped and the fucking strip light would not stop fucking flickering.

"Jordan calm down,"  
"I am calm." He growled.  
"It's almost time to go in, you don't have to say or do anything just please stay in the room, please, it might help." Ashley said but he was doubtful to say the least and scoffed. As he slid further down the waiting room chair he watched his youngest sibling walking back over from the notice board she had been reading.

"Says there's an AA meeting in there now but it was supposed to finish 5 minutes ago so it won't be much longer."  
"Why the fuck are alcoholics here?! It's a fucking bereavement centre!"  
"Jord it's just a room, it doesn't matter," Ashley tried to soothe him but his blood was boiling.  
"It's not just a room! Or do no rooms mean anything, does Josh's room mean nothing?! Josh's room, just another set of bricks and plaster right?! Just-"  
"Jordan!"  
"Why don't we just get mom to adopt another fucking child, replace him, since nothing has any sort of value or sentiment apparently-"  
"I didn't say that Jord, please, I didn't say that. All I meant was that it doesn't make the therapy room any less special just because other groups use it. It's still about us and it's still about Josh."  
"So I'm just supposed to sit there and talk about my dead brother in a room reeking of fucking alcohol!" He exclaimed pissed off. Ashley didn't reply but continued to hold his arm tightly so he couldn't run away, and Jordan bounced his legs angrily.

Finally the doors to the room opened and the first face he saw was Brendon fucking Urie's. The selfish twat. Jordan knew what he'd done, he'd gone fucking partying to celebrate Josh's death. He didn't know where the bruises had come from but he didn't care, just knew that he was going to add to them. It took next to no effort to tear his arm from Ashley's grip and storm towards the disgraceful excuse of a friend.

"I'm not an alcoholic though Pat, it was useless - oh Jordan, hi," Brendon said before getting silenced by Jordan's fist connecting with his nose.  
"Jordan! What the fuck!" Patrick exclaimed, shoving him away then immediately turning to Brendon and fussing over the cunt's gushing nose.

"Jordan, Jord walk with me," Ashley ran over panicked, pulling him back whilst Abi began apologising on his behalf profusely, but he wasn't sorry, he did know what he was doing, he was thinking straight and he didn't fucking care about that asshole. He deserved it, in fact he deserved so much fucking worse. Celebrating Josh's death like an animal, celebrating the loss of the best man Jordan had ever met, celebrating the loss of his big brother.

"Come on, shhh, shhh you're okay," she hushed him and suddenly he was crying and she was hugging him and he was crying. "It's okay, it's gonna get better I promise, this is going to get easier,"  
"A-a-shh," he sobbed into her shoulder.  
"This is tough but you are tougher, okay, you can do this Jordan, but you need to let us help,"   
"I don't w-ant to do thi-is," Jordan wept like the weak pathetic child he was.  
"No, no don't say that," Ashley said, pulling his head up to make contact with her tearful eyes. "Don't say that, please, you, you need to stay here, with us,"  
"But I want to be with him!" He cried out before sobbing into her chest again. She let out a sob herself and he felt ever so slightly guilty for upsetting her but overwhelmingly sad. There were so many other ways to describe how his whole body physically ached he was going through so much turmoil but when it came down to it his brother was dead and he was sad.

"Ashley, hi sweetie, the group session is starting now and Abigail's gone in, do you want to head in too? I'll stay with Jordan, talk to him 1 to 1," he heard a woman say.  
"I'm not leaving him,"  
"He'll be okay, I'll keep him safe,"  
"I can do it," Ashley whispered tearfully as Jordan cried.  
"Ashley you need to look after yourself first, take the time to make sure you're okay,"  
"I'm fine,"  
"You're crying Ashley,"  
"Go," Jordan hiccuped.  
"I'm not leaving you."  
"Ashley he's given you permission to take care of yourself, now it's up to you to act on his wish." The woman said and Jordan felt his sister cry for a long moment before eventually pulling away and rubbing his cheek with her thumb.

"I'm coming back, okay?" She whispered but he was numb. "Let Mandy look after you, I'm coming back I promise Jord, I just, I, I need to do this,"  
"That's okay darling, you go and I'll stay with him." The voice said.  
"Mandy will you please get me if he needs me? Please,"  
"I will." She reassured her but Jordan felt like screaming. He received a hug and a kiss on the crown before Ashley abandoned him with the woman he now knew was Mandy.

"Jordan, my name's Mandy and I work here at the Cornerstone of Hope. I met your sisters at their introductory group session a few days ago, but groups aren't everyone's cup of tea. I have a little office down the hall, it's quiet and private, would you like to go and sit there with me?"  
"Leave me alone,"  
"Being alone can be a really powerful thing, you just have to make sure that the power it provides it pushing you in a positive direction. If you're in a bad place then the power of solitude is only going to make that worse."  
"You don't know me."  
"True. However I did see the way you punched that gentleman in the waiting room a minute ago. Luckily his friend doesn't think his nose is broken and he's already said he's not going to press charges, but that doesn't mean you should make it a regular habit. If I leave you alone to your own devices right now, can you guarantee me that you're not going to act on impulse and get yourself into a similar situation Jordan?"  
"He's not a gentleman, he's a cunt." Jordan completely ignored the majority of what she said and completely ignored the tears dripping from his jaw and completely ignored the rules his mother had taught him about cussing. They seemed pitiful now. Everything did.

"Do you know him?"  
"Unfortunately."  
"Do you want to go and speak to me about him in the other room?"  
"No."  
"Do you want to go and speak to me about anything at all in the other room?"  
"No."  
"Would you be open to the idea of moving to the other room and doing nothing but sitting?"  
"No."  
"So should I go and call your mother, Laura right? To come and pick you up then?"  
"No, no don't call her," he sighed tearfully, not wanting to be any more of a burden on his mother than he already was.

"I've got biscuits and a beautiful cream wall to stare at, fancy popping down with me?"   
"Don't make me talk."  
"I won't, this isn't a trap, this is your time Jordan and it's up to you what you want to do with it. If that's nothing then I respect that, and that respect won't ever change." Mandy said but Jordan didn't believe her for a second. Nevertheless he moved from the corridor he had been pulled down by Ashley and followed the plump overly happy grievance counsellor down to her office. Just as she had promised, the walls were drab and dull.

"Are you an Oreo guy or a chocolate chip cookie guy?" She asked, but Jordan sat down on the padded blue chair and ignored her. This wasn't an office it was a therapy room and she was a fucking liar.

"Help yourself Jordan." Mandy said, setting both packets of biscuits on the coffee table and settling down opposite him. "Do you want a tissue?"  
"No." He sniffed, refusing to deal with the tears on his cheeks and the snot on his top lip and the way his soul burned with anguish.  
"Or an ice pack for your knuckles? They're beginning to swell already."  
"No! What part of no don't you fucking understand?! I don't want your fucking help!!" He exploded but she sat back and took it calmly, giving him a long minute to calm down. But he didn't. He never did.

"What do you want Jordan? If you could have aaannything right now, what would it be?"  
"You said you weren't going to make me talk." Jordan retaliated to avoid the truth that the thing he wanted more than anything else was to be dead. To be dead and to be with Josh and to be done with all the shit swirling and spinning and screeching inside him.

 

 

" **Blur** ,"  
 **"Yes baby boy?"**  
"I'm thirsty,"  
 **"Well you know why that is, don't you."**  
"Yes."  
 **"Why? Tell me."**  
"Because the water is poisoned, and, and because you love me you keep me safe, you don't, you don't let me drink it."  
 **"That's right Ty Ty. Why is the water poisoned?"**  
"Josh did it. He's trying to kill me."  
 **"Why?"**  
"Because he hates me."  
 **"Why baby boy?"**  
"Because I'm bad,"  
 **"What do you do wrong?"**  
"Everything."  
 **"Who's helping you to get better?"**  
"You **Blur** ,"  
 **"And who do you love baby boy?"**  
"You **Blur**."  
 **"So if I tell you you're not thirsty, what does that mean?"**  
"I'm not thirsty." Tyler croaked, throat raw and scratchy.

Tyler didn't say anything else, not because he didn't want to, he did want to, he loved talking to **Blurryface** and he loved hearing what **Blurryface** had to say and he loved hearing how he could be better. But Tyler didn't speak because he didn't want to waste the little volume he had left in his dried up tank. He couldn't remember when the water had last been safe enough to drink as the sleepless days had blended with the sleepless night but he knew it was too long and he knew his mouth was too dry. His tear ducts were dried up too.

"Tyler, it's 4 o clock so it's time for you to come into the office to speak to Dr Arlidge and me. It's non optional and you will be escorted if you resist." Mark came into the room to inform him. He'd given up on playing nice with Tyler but Tyler didn't care, he had **Blurry** , **Blurry** was the only friend he needed.

 **"Baby boy I think you should go, I don't want the bad men to hurt you when they take you."**  
"I don't want to."  
"Tyler it will only be for 5 minutes, just some short news. You can come back in here straight after."  
 **"Do you trust me?"**  
"Yes," Tyler whispered to his best friend.  
 **"If Mark or Miss A try to touch you, try to hurt you like Josh did then I'll kill them. I'll protect you."**  
"Is **Blurry** talking?"  
 **"I protected you from Josh, I'll protect you from them. Just go in the room and if they say something you don't like then open a cut and I'll know to help."**  
"Ok." He nodded then immediately scrambled off the bed but his feet were so unsteady that he instantly faltered and almost fell down. Mark swooped in and held him up by his bandaged arm, giving him a few seconds for the stars to be blinked away and the dizziness to settle.

"Tyler, Tyler you haven't been eating so you need to be careful, take it slow,"  
"Don't touch me!" Tyler hissed, pushing away his grip and storming out of the bedroom and towards the office down the corridor with **Blurry** by his side. He didn't feel faint. He didn't. He was fine. He was fine.

"Oh Tyler! Hi, well done for coming in here, I wasn't expecting to see you voluntarily. Please, take a seat, and **Blurry** that one's for you." Miss A smiled, pointing to a chair in the back of her office, and Tyler immediately began to panic at the thought of **Blur** being so far from her.  
 **"Fuck that, I'm right here baby boy." Blurry** spat and sat on the chair next to Tyler. Tyler settled beside **him** shakily but had barely been sat for a second before Mark reached for the arms of **Blurry's** chair.

"NO! No don't fucking TOUCH **HIM**!" Tyler screeched protectively, shoving Mark just in time and protecting his best friend from being crushed.  
" **Blurry** I asked you to sit at the back, move please." Dr Arlidge instructed.  
"NO! NO! If **he** leaves, I leave!"  
"I'll stand." Mark sighed.  
 **"You did good, baby boy, you did good."**

"Now, Tyler, whilst you've been refusing to attend any sessions, all the staff here I've been discussing what we think is best for you."  
 **"I know what's best, I'll be the judge."**  
"Tyler, you're not safe."  
 **"The bitch is right but the more you listen to me the safer you are."**  
"And so we've decided that in order to keep you safe, and in order to help you get better and get happy again so that you can eventually go home, we need to change your treatment."  
"W-wwhat?"  
"Tyler we're sectioning you, so that means you won't have any say in what sessions you attend and which medications you take and what meals you eat. Treatment will be non-optional and that may seem unfair to you right now but it's what's best and will ultimately save your life. Refusing medications and liquid or any sort of intake will kill you, so sectioning is entirely necessary. Secondly, you're going to be moved to a psychiatric intensive care unit just outside Columbus at 8am tomorrow morning."  
"Intensive care? My best friend, my, my best friend Josh, he goes in intensive care, he, wait, wait, no, wait this was real Miss A, this wasn't, no, no no no, Josh, he's sick, he was really sick, does that mean? Oh, oh Miss A, that means, no no no no no," Tyler realised, tears tumbling and **Blurry** screeching something that Tyler couldn't tune into over the wave of understanding.  
"Yes Tyler, Josh was really sick, and now-"  
"Now he's gone," he murmured numbly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol hey remember that hidden chapter? Yeah I'm just gonna low key never ever reference it or explain it because I'm extra :D


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a Jordan Brendon special seeming as though everyone was screaming their names in the comments.  
> Any preferences on which plot line you'd like more details on? Leave a comment below xx

"Pat," Brendon began, sticking his bruised face around the door and summoning all his courage. "I just got a text from my mom,"  
"Oh yeah?" Patrick turned to face him.  
"She wants me home." Brendon lied outright.  
"See I told you Brendon, she's worried about you."  
"Yeah, she said that in the message."  
"Good. And how about you, feel okay heading home? Because you're more than welcome to stay here as long as you'd like."  
"I, um, I think I need to go back. Just need some alone time."  
"Sure that's a good idea?"  
"Yeah, I really appreciate you looking after me and everything but it's time to head back I reckon."  
"Alright, you know what you need, but come back whenever because I'm here for you bud."

"Thank you Pat. I left all the clothes you leant me on the bed, and I just need to grab my jacket and I'll be off,"  
"Wait you're leaving now?" Patrick asked, standing up.  
"Yeh,"  
"No don't go yet."  
"Why not?" Brendon asked, trying to stay calm and not blow his cover.  
"I just, you know, I want you to be safe. I'm going to Young Minds in like 40 minutes and I'll drive you on the way so you don't have to walk."  
"You mean there's a lot of people out there who want to hurt me-"  
"No that's not what I mean." Pat interrupted but Brendon knew he was lying and he knew there were people queuing up to punch him, he just didn't care.

"All I meant was, well, um, I mean you're still all bruised and in pain and I don't think you should be walking that far when you're injured."  
"I'll manage."  
"Brendo-"  
"I said I'll manage Patrick, fucking hell I can manage a 5 minute walk, okay?! I get it, you like to smother people and now your little play toy is in hospital you need someone else's life to control, but I've had enough!" Brendon forced himself to get angry, feeling guilty but knowing it had to be done. "You think you know what's best, but guess what? You don't! Your stupid fucking genius plan got me punched in the fucking face! If I wanted more of that then I'd go find Ryan, is that what you want?!"  
"Course it's not-"  
"Pete's gone but that doesn't mean you can trade me in to be your bitch. Go find someone else's life to micromanage, I'm done."

"Brendon I don't get why you're pushing me away, all I've tried to do is help and-"  
"And all you've done is hurt me!"  
"I didn't mean-"  
"I don't care what you have to say! I don't fucking care what shitty excuses you're about to make!" Brendon shouted. "I mean Jesus fucking christ, an AA meeting?! Is that your fucking solution?! I get beat up, I get beat up and you decide that it's MY fault and it's ME who needs to go to meetings! I'm not an alcoholic, I drink but I'm not an alcoholic, so don't you DARE put this on me! Don't make this MY fault! I got beat up Patrick, he hit me! But you know what?! YOU MADE ME FEEL WORSE THAN HE EVER DID!"

Once Brendon finished screaming in Patrick's face he stormed straight out of the house and down the front path until he was on the sidewalk. He didn't have his jacket but it wouldn't really matter.

He didn't pause on the sidewalk but he also didn't turn towards his house, his mother hadn't really texted him and he wasn't really going home. The screaming hadn't been part of the plan but Brendon supposed that it was probably for the best, if they departed on bad terms then maybe it would make the forthcoming event easier for Patrick to deal with.

His feet carried him fast as he ran down the old familiar road. He had been the captain of the fucking football team. Just a few short weeks ago he had been messing about playing in Josh's bedroom using his hoist as a hammock and laughing and he had been happy and and he had been the captain of the fucking football team.

Football team. Basketball team. Baseball team. Athletics team. Coach had always praised his amount of energy, but as Brendon ran he began to convince himself that in reality the man had been exploiting his mental disorder. Just another name to add to the list of people who had exploited and used and abused him, and he'd had enough.

The next three blocks were a blur and only once Brendon turned his final corner did he realise how truly calm he felt. The calmest, the least hysterical, he had felt since this shit storm had started, and he was genuinely excited to finally put an end to it. He was putting his foot down, saying enough was enough, and doing what had to be done for the greater good.

He stopped running as the slope up the bridge started building and Brendon could feel the lactic acid pulsing through the backs of his calves. His breath still heaved a little but he couldn't determine whether it was fitness or fear or frenzy. But his breaths and his heart almost stopped when he reached the top of the bridge over the train tracks and he saw a hooded figure stood on the exact section he himself was hoping to jump from.

"Stay away from me," the voice called to him timidly, and Brendon's heart dropped as he recognised it.  
"Jordan? Jordan it's me, it's Brendon."  
"Are you here for round 2?!" He spat, turning to face him with a tear streaked face. The resent in his voice was genuine but was laced with fear that Brendon related to, and he was fairly certain that another nose bleed wasn't on its way.

"No. Why are you here?"  
"For the view," Jordan hissed sarcastically. "Leave me the fuck alone."  
"I'm not gonna do that Jordan, come on, get down from there, let me take you home."  
"If you come any closer I'll jump."  
"No you won't, if you were gonna jump then you would have done it by now." Brendon said with far more confidence than he truly possessed whilst making the last few steps until he was finally able to grab the teenage boy round the legs and literally pull him backwards off the ledge of the bridge thrashing and screaming. The balance was all wrong and Brendon almost dropped him on the sidewalk but last minute saved him, but still the teenager collapsed to the ground and began to sob. Brendon took a few panicked breaths as he comprehended what he has just done, and watched as Josh's baby brother broke down. Eventually he sat beside him, both their backs against the wall of the bridge over the tracks.

"Get AWAY FROM ME!" Jordan begged as loud as he could scream amongst his sobs, but Brendon simply opened one arm out and let him crash against his chest as he cried his heart out and wrenched Brendon's gut. The older wrapped the arm around him and let him soak his shirt with tears and snot for what felt like an eternity. Cars drove past oblivious.

"You should have let me jump,"  
"And then what would I have said to your family?"  
"My family?!" Jordan scoffed tearfully. "My dad's an alcoholic, Mom never stops cleaning the house, my sisters are always at that bloody centre and my brother's dead!"  
"Is this about your brother?" Brendon asked.  
"Wanna gloat some more?!" He tried to reply intimidatingly but Brendon knew he was hurting far too much to put on a brave face.

"I don't know what the rumours are and what's being said behind my back, but I would never ever celebrate the loss of my best friend, I have far too much respect for him and far too much sadness in my heart to do that Jordan."  
"Everyone said you went partying, did drugs," he sniffed shakily.  
"Jordan I used to date this guy, and, and he did something truly unforgivable to Tyler, so I broke up with him even though I still loved him. And that was a really long time ago but my feelings never changed, then recently with everything happening with Ty and your brother and for me personally, my strength to resist him was sort of sapped I guess, so when we lost Josh it was just that final push back into his arms." Brendon began to explain and thankfully the teen seemed to be listening. "I went to his house but I was vulnerable and he took advantage of me."  
"Did he beat you up?"  
"He did, but before that we did intimate things together and I think that only made it worse, reminded me how far we've fallen."

"But the drugs, you took drugs,"  
"He was off his face on coke, and he physically forced me to be as well. Literally held my head down."  
"You, you should have stopped him! My brother died! You should have been there for him! For me!" Jordan cried and Brendon felt his own heart strings pull and his own eyes tear up.  
"I'm sorry,"  
"I don't care that you're sorry! I don't care that he beat you or forced you, it was your choice to go there in the first place and you should feel so fucking guilty."  
"I do Jordan, I do,"  
"I don't believe you!"  
"Okay, you really wanna know how guilty I feel? First thing I did once I got home was OD."  
"Liar! That's fucking bullshit Brendon! My brother fucking died in the hospital, I stayed there for days afterwards! Do you really think you'd be rushed in and I wouldn't fucking notice?! I paced those corridors for hours! You're a fucking liar!" Jordan spat through the tears. "That's not an okay thing to say Brendon, not okay. Tyler was his best friend, Tyler wants to die - you said you respected him but now you're mocking his best friend?!"

Brendon didn't respond because everything he said was simply fuel to add to the hysterics that the teen was in, but Brendon didn't leave him and Brendon didn't hate him and Brendon didn't freak out. Everything Jordan said was simply a repetition of things he had said to himself, and yet hearing it from another person's mouth made him realise how dumb it was. Jordan was hurting and was trying to share that pain with him, make him hurt too, but there was no truth to his words. They were spiteful but they were fruitless, and in a way Brendon found it strangely helpful to see the thoughts for what they were.

"I can't do this alone but nobody's helping me," Jordan sobbed.  
"I think people are trying to help, aren't they?"  
"They're forcing me to face things and I don't want to!"  
"That doesn't mean they're not trying to help though Jord,"  
"Mom doesn't have to face things! Mom just gets to clean all day and nobody stops her!"  
"I think that your mom is doing what she feels is best for her right now. The last three years of her life have been completely oriented around caring for Josh and needing to be with him every minute of the day and never really getting a break, so now she just needs to keep herself busy because she doesn't know any different. I love your mom and I'm sure she knows what she needs, but if you're worried then tell her, ask her how she is, she if she needs help,"  
"Ye-ah," he whimpered.

"And how about your sisters?" Brendon enquired sensitively.  
"They just, ugh," Jordan sniffed, wiping his face with his arm. "They go to these group sessions and they sit and they talk and they want me to sit there and talk but I can't!"  
"Why not?"  
"Because the things I want to say, they'd all hate me, Ash and Ab would be embarrassed and ashamed."  
"You don't want the girls to hear?"  
"No," he shook his head rapidly, "no, no way,"  
"What about in a private session, just you and a therapist?"  
"They'd judge me just as badly!"  
"What about me?"  
"Huh?"  
"What about me?" Brendon repeated. "You think I'm trash, you have no respect for me at all, I'm the living breathing scum of the earth, so why not tell me? I can't judge you, and you shouldn't value my opinion either way."

"I never helped Josh," Jordan finally admitted after contemplating Brendon's solution. "I should have helped him, but I never did."  
"Jordan he had cancer, there's no cure yet, it's not down to you as a 15 year old kid to help him."  
"No no I don't mean like that!"  
"Tell me then, how do you mean?" The older asked patiently.  
"He, uh, where do I even start? So many times he needed me and I did nothing! There were times when it used to just be us two in the house and he would pass out on the floor and I would just leave him there!"  
"Yeh,"  
"And sometimes it would only be for 30 seconds and he would get back up and it would be fine because that was a believable amount of time for me not to notice, but when he got worse it would be 20 30 40 minutes and when he came round again he would be so confused and he wouldn't know what was going on so it would be so easy to just convince him that he'd only been out for 10 seconds and I had rushed straight to his side when in reality I was playing fucking GTA."  
"Right," Brendon listened and watched as he cried.

"When he was having the intense chemo, he just used to throw up all the time,"  
"Yeah,"  
"Cause the cancer was in his knee, he couldn't kneel at the toilet bowl during these hours of vomiting so he literally had to crouch on one foot with his braced leg stuck out at an angle. I remember this one time Mom had run down to the chemist to get him some pills or something and she told me to watch him, and like 10 minutes later I walked past the bathroom because I was going to get myself some chips. I was going to get chips and he called out to me, asked me, practically begged me, to get him a stool to sit on whilst he was throwing up his guts relentlessly, and I pretended not to hear him because I wanted some fucking chips."  
"Mmm," he nodded along.

"When he was really sick and the doctor told him to start using the wheelchair full time, for a while he was stubborn and he refused. He used crutches for ages but he didn't have the balance, so Mom ended up getting him that walker, you probably remember it?"  
"Yeah," Brendon nodded.  
"He shouldn't have been using it, he should have been using the chair, I knew it, Mom knew it, everyone knew it except Josh. And for whatever fucking reason, he decided to go to school one day. So I was sat in the back of maths class, pissing about, and then the school nurse pulled me out into the hall. She told me that Josh had fallen down again and had banged his knee hard and he was in hysterical pain in the nurse's office. They'd tried to call my mom but couldn't get hold of her, so she asked me to go and sit with him and also asked if I had Mom's cell number instead of the house number."  
"Yeah,"

"I told her that I was in the middle of a really important class, and I told her that my mom's cellphone was broken. Both lies. You know why?! Because I wanted to teach Josh a lesson, I wanted to teach him a fucking lesson for not using the wheelchair."  
"Right,"  
"Don't say 'right' Brendon, don't act like any of this shit is right. I'm a fucking disgraceful brother and son and human being, and you need to scream at me, a-and you need to get angry and make me feel guilty and teach ME a lesson," Jordan worked himself up again.  
"Jordan, Jordan, I'm not gonna do that, okay? I think it's pretty clear to me that you're already harsh enough on yourself, and you already feel guilty, far too guilty, in comparison to what's happened. I mean you want to kill yourself, you tried to kill yourself."

"Are you not even gonna ask me why I treated him like that?!"  
"Nope, because I don't think you know the answer. If you did? We wouldn't be having this conversation. You're telling me all of this, confessing everything because you think that I'm gonna say those magic words that make everything better and suddenly you understand yourself and you don't hurt anymore and you're not upset that he's gone and everything just feels okay." Brendon guessed as the teen cried more and more. "But I can't do that Jordan, I can't fix it, the only thing that truly heals is time."

"No one's ev-er going to forgive me-e,"  
"They will Jord, they will. You didn't do it maliciously-"  
"I did! I wanted to hurt him! He was dying of cancer and I wanted him to feel guilty," he sobbed rawly.  
"You were hurting and you wanted him to know, you just didn't know how best to go about that. It doesn't make you a bad person."

"I, I, I told my sisters about something I did, and, and, it was nowhere near the worst, I just used Josh to get money from my mom, so I didn't really hurt Josh," Jordan hiccuped, "and Ashley told me it was a mistake, and, and that I didn't deserve to pay for it with my life, but she, she looked at me with this, I dunno, she had this look in her eye, shock, disappointment, I dunno but it hurt me Brendon, I felt it in my core, and that was over money! If they ever found out that I used to leave him on the floor! Jesus they'd lynch me!"  
"They wouldn't Jord,"  
"They would hate me Brendon, you don't understand, they all respect Josh so much, rightfully so, and they respect him so much and I know if they knew what I'd done then they'd never be able to respect me again."  
"Yeh," Brendon listened.  
"I can't, I won't, ever tell them about the way I treated him but their way of working through his death is by talking and sharing everything and there's absolutely no way I can engage in that,"  
"But you need to do something to work through it Jordan, otherwise you're going to stay perched on that ledge either metaphorically or literally until you can't take it longer. You need to do something."

"Have you ever just wanted to leave, to just go and leave all your shitty problems behind?" Jordan asked a minute later, standing up from their place on the sidewalk and instead turning to face out over the tracks whilst resting his forearms against the brick. Tears still ran down his face but the wind dried them fast and made his hair dance, and Brendon stood up with a wince before joining him in staring into the distance.

"Yes. Absolutely yes, I didn't come here today to find you, I came here to jump off this bridge and escape everything. As you put it, leave all my shitty problems behind."  
"Yeah,"  
"But I think I've realised that maybe death isn't the perfect solution to my shitty problems that I've been searching for, I mean take your brother's death, that didn't solve anything."  
"But my brother was a good person, we're not."  
"True, very true." Brendon nodded. "The first part at least, the second? Not so much. We make bad choices, they don't make us bad people."  
"Our choices are what make us who we are."  
"But at the end of the day the only choice that really matters is when we're stood on that ledge, do we jump or do we stay?" Brendon asked and he could almost see the cogs whirring in Jordan's head as he processed everything that was going on.

"Look, Jordan, I know you hate me-"  
"I don't hate you. You, uh, you were right, earlier. I'm hurting and I want other people to hurt too so they get it. I don't hate you."  
"That's very fortunate because I care about you a hell of a lot kid. You don't know me particularly well and that's fair enough, but I've heard a whole of a lot about you and all of it's come straight from your brother's mouth. Now say what you will about how you treated him, but I can honestly tell you from my heart that he never had a bad word to say about you Jordan. He would sometimes repeat a story a dozen times when he was struggling but the fondness with which he described you was consistent throughout. You might think that he hated you, but I can guarantee you that that's not the case."

"I, I need to escape his ghost. I need to leave behind the memories and the guilt and the bad experiences, I need to leave it all here in Columbus."  
"Right, so what does that mean?"  
"Brendon will you run away with me?"  
"Run away??" Brendon echoed confused.  
"I'm serious, you and me, let's just get on the next train and ride it till the end of the line and just stay there,"  
"Alright well firstly, I know these train lines, next train is gonna take you as far as Canton, it's not exactly a fresh start. And anyway, it's not as simple as just upping and leaving."  
"But why isn't it?" Jordan asked.  
"Well for a start I'm broke, and neither of us have graduated,"  
"What does that matter?"  
"Okay Jord if we have no money or no jobs then we're not gonna be able to afford food so we'd starve to death, guess that's pretty key, also the fact that we'd be homeless."  
"I have money."  
"You do?" Brendon asked doubtfully.  
"Brendon I have an alcoholic father who is absolutely desperate to please me, buy back my love, yes, I have money."

"Okay, well, what about your family? They just lost one brother, don't leave them now, it's a fragile time and they need you."  
"I'll put it another way Brendon, if I don't leave then I'm gonna end up killing myself. I'm stuck in this cycle and unless I do something drastic to shake it up, I'm gonna jump."  
"Yeah,"  
"Unless you don't want to come with me?"  
"I do Jordan, Jesus Christ I do. I fucking hate it here, and I want to leave just as much as you do, I have demons I need to escape as well, it's just not always as simple as running from them."  
"But what if it is? How can you know if you don't try? What if space and distance let's us look back on what crap we're drowning in here and makes it easier to cope with until eventually we can tackle it head on and come back. Please, do this with me, walk down there and find a train to take us anywhere but here."

"We don't have any of our stuff, I don't even have a jacket,"  
"We can buy new stuff, our stuff here isn't making us happy so why would we bring it? It's just stuff. I have my wallet and my cards, we can afford to get you a new jacket."  
"I don't have my medication,"  
"Do you need it?" Jordan asked the big question and Brendon took a long minute to think about it. Did he really need medication? His mom said he did, told him he was out of control. His dad said he did, told him he was an annoying cunt. His doctor said he did, told him all disorders needed treating. His teachers said he did, told him he was a disturbance to class. His boyfriend, his ex boyfriend, said he did, told him he was too much to handle. And Brendon had believed them all.

But as Brendon looked out across the train tracks racing into the distance, he realised that no, no he didn't need them. Could he get a little giddy at times, most definitely, did it make him unbearable, no. He didn't have to force himself to become what everyone demanded he had to be, he wasn't normal but that didn't matter. The medication scared him shitless and forcing himself to take those pills that numbed him down into someone he didn't recognise suddenly seemed ludicrous. Why would he do that to himself? Why would the people who were supposed to care about him most want that for him? So Brendon was settled, he didn't need the medication and he didn't need those toxic people surrounding him any longer.

"No, no I don't Jordan."  
"So you'll come?" He asked nervously.  
"Fuck yeah I'll come, but there's no way we're moving to Canton. Fraid it's not quite as romantic as jumping on the next train to anywhere, but my gran used to live in St George, Utah. She's in a retirement home now, her house is empty, whatcha say?"  
"Wait, really?"  
"Hell yeah! Let's go to Utah, why the fuck not? Let's get away from here, at least for a while,"  
"Yes Brendon!" Jordan cheered.  
"Dude there's no train, but there's a bus? I've done it once before, it's like 40 something hours, hope you like knock knock jokes." Brendon smiled, genuinely smiled, and Jordan smiled back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guyyyss, sorry my posts have been so spaced out recently but to make up for it, here, have another chapter in the same week :D  
> Not quite sure when the next one will be out as it's my birthday on Saturday so I've got lots of awkward socialising to do, but hey ho I might be able to hide in the bathroom and right you a whole new chapter :) we'll see xx  
> As ever, thank you so much for reading and leaving comment xx


	32. Chapter 32

"Abi, Ashley, Jordan, get down here!" Laura called up the stairs shrilly, and only a few seconds later the two girls raced down the carpeted steps to where she was stood.

"Yeah?"  
"Where's Jordan?"  
"Mom, he's with Brendon remember? Going to Utah? He's not here." Ashley reminded the exhausted woman.  
"Utah? No no he was just messing about, that was a joke, where is he? Is he playing that damn computer game?"  
"I spoke to him on the phone this morning, they were in Kansas City, he sounded happier,"  
"He's not here Mom," Abi backed up her big sister.  
"You know what girls, I lost a son already, if you think it's funny to play your stupid hide and seek games then by all means do it. I'm done with the 3 of you." She sighed bitterly and began walking away, and Abi looked across at Ashley with tears in her eyes and hurt in her heart.

"Mom, you called us down, did you want something?" Ashley asked whilst reaching out and holding the younger girl's hand.  
"Oh yes! All your friends are coming round, we're having dinner, they'll be here any minute! Can you set the dining room table?" Laura suddenly said with a smile that neither of them believed.   
"People are coming round?"  
"Yes yes, Joshie's friends, Jenna and Debby and Patrick and Zack and Tyler and Kelly, oh and the littleones too, Jay and Maddy,"  
"Tyler? Mom Tyler's in the intensive care psych ward,"  
"Oh it was a slip of the tongue, no need to get so nit picky, you know what I meant,"

"And they're coming for dinner?"  
"Is there an echo in here? Yes, dinner, we need to talk about Josh's funeral,"  
"Mom I can't do that, no no no, not with all of them, I can't," Abi began to panic.  
"Well they'll be here in 2 minutes so you better calm down, this isn't about you it's about J, so why don't you both hurry along and lay the table for 11,"  
"Mom Jordan isn't here, there's only 10," Ashley insisted.  
"You know what, if he wants to be a miserable sod hiding in his room playing Grand Theft whatever then I'd rather he didn't come to dinner at all. Lay for 10." Their mom instructed harshly then walked out of the hall and back into the kitchen, leaving the remaining siblings to hug it out.

"Shhhshsh, it's okay, it's okay," Ashley murmured as Abi whimpered against her older sister's chest.  
"Why's she being like this?" She asked on the verge of tears.  
"Because she's tired and she's scared and she's grieving, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love us, okay?"  
"Okay,"  
"She's keeping busy and this dinner sounds like another thing to keep her occupied, but everyone who's coming will understand if you're not ready for this Ab, if you want to go upstairs then I'll do the dining room and I'll excuse you from eating."   
"No, no I'll do it," Abi sniffed then pulled out of the hug and lead the way. Ashley caught her stealing a glance into Josh's empty bedroom but thankfully she kept walking till she reached the dining room without any tears.

The table sat 8 and when Dad had been home and Josh had been healthy enough, a whole family dinner was an every evening event and the room was often filled with laughter and warmth. Once Josh started vomiting more than eating and found himself too weak to sit at a table, and once Dad started using unhealthy coping methods to deal with his son's deterioration, dinner became more of a second thought. Josh was rightfully Mom's number one priority and Ashley became in charge of the heat up meals her and her younger siblings would eat off their laps in front of the TV. The dining room became dusty and abandoned.

"Should I grab that old kids table from the cupboard for Jay and Maddy?" Abi asked quietly after passing across the mats to Ashley.  
"I think Mom threw it during her clear out, but I'm sure we can just bunch the chairs up and make room for them on the main table. I'll go grab the desk chairs from both our rooms, is that okay?"  
"Yeah yeah," she nodded, "I'll do the cutlery."  
"Thanks Abi," Ashley forced a smile at the vulnerable girl before quickly jogging out of the room and back upstairs.

First she went into Abi's room and picked up the collapsible plastic chair tucked neatly under her desk, then carried it through to her own bedroom. The girls had been sharing her bed since they got back from the hospital, but even though there were two of them it still felt empty since Jordan had left. 4 had become 3, and now 3 had become 2.

But she shook her head and told herself to stop being silly because Jordan wasn't dead, he was just on an adventure. And by the sounds of it, he was having a ball of a time. He'd called her at midnight and he was already on the bus, and she had to admit that she cried when he told her he was going away for a while. The night had been a tough one. But he called again in the morning and he was in a diner with Brendon and Ashley actually heard them both laughing, and it was a sound she hadn't heard him make in a long time, so in a way she was happy for him. She was happy for him. She was.

After picking up her own desk chair and making her way back down the stairs with both of them tucked under her arm, she made sure to settle her breathing. She had to be strong.

"Here we go,"   
"Thanks," Abi said quietly, taking one of the chairs off her and putting it in the place she had cleared whilst Ashley did the same on her side. "Ash,"  
"Yeah?"  
"Do you, um, I think that, maybe, uh - can we save Josh's chair?"  
"Huh?"  
"Josh's chair, he always used to sit there, I don't want anyone else to sit there."  
"Oh, right, okay," Ashley caught on. "Um, can we just move the chair somewhere discreet and put Jordan's desk chair in the place? Or is it the place too?"  
"I don't know," she whispered and Ashley gave her time, watching as her eyes teared up for the millionth time.

"You, uh, you remember that time that Tyler was round and, uh, and he started choking on those fishcakes Mom used to make, and afterwards Josh literally sat him on his lap for the rest of the meal and fed him with a spoon to make sure he wouldn't choke again?" Abi recalled with a smile and a stray tear.  
"Yeah I remember, and it wasn't weird at all, at least it wasn't for them,"  
"Yeah," she nodded, biting her lip tight. "And now, now he's-"  
"He's happy again Abi, now he's happy again." Ashley quickly reassured her.

"Girls! The Josephs are here!" They heard their mom call and the chatters of the younger children.  
"Can you do this?"   
"Yeah," Abi nodded uneasily.  
"Remember it's Kelly, it's just Kelly, she's like our second mom and she'll understand. She's here to help, and the kids are here to make you smile, and Zack understands entirely. It's gonna be okay."  
"Course."  
"Why don't you go say hi and I'll move Josh's chair into the boiler cupboard-"  
"You're gonna stuff him in the boiler cupboard!"  
"Abi, Ab it's not him, it's a chair okay sweetie? But I'll put it in my room instead and I'll bring Jordan's desk chair to fill the gap."  
"Ok."  
"Okay?"  
"Yes, I'm okay," Abi nodded, then headed towards the source of the noise.

Meanwhile Ashley struggled to pick up the padded heavy frame of the formal seat and heaved it towards the staircase in short bursts of movement. She stopped for a break at the bottom and resisted the urge to groan whilst simultaneously wishing Jordan was there to tease her about how light the chair was.

"Woah easy there, need a hand?"  
"Oh Zack, hey," she breathed out, leaving the chair and walking over to quickly hug him. "Do you mind?"  
"No not at all, where's it going?" He asked, picking it up as though it was air.  
"Just my room please,"  
"Course." Zack smiled and quickly made his way up and placed it on her carpeted floor, during which time Ashley quickly stole the chair from Jordan's room and afterwards the teens went back into the dining room so Ashley could set it up.

"Thanks, you're a lifesaver,"  
"Gah I dunno about that, reckon you probably could have managed." He told her, "I'm guessing it's J's?"  
"It was. Abigail's just been getting really protective over anything remotely related to him, like we can't throw away that old magazine because he had smiled at it once, and we can't eat that cereal because he liked it waayy back when he could eat. She just gets attached to things,"  
"Yeah well I understand that, and like, a seat at the table, it's quite symbolic."   
"I suppose," Ashley agreed.

"How's Ty?" She flipped the conversation after a moment of comfortable silence.  
"Not heard anything since he got transferred," Zack sighed, leaning against the back of one of the tall chairs.  
"And you?"  
"Eh, you know what it's like better than anyone to worry about your big bro,"  
"Yeah, but it's worse for you in a way I suppose,"  
"How come?"  
"Well you've got hope. Us, we knew we would lose him, you, you're in the unknown. The only thing more painful than fear is hope." Ashley explained with a sad glance.  
"Nah, we won't lose him," Zack said definitely but they both knew that he didn't believe the words coming out of his mouth, and neither of them knew how this was going to turn out.

"Do you think he's well enough to come to the funeral?"  
"No, no way."  
"As bad as last time, or worse?" She asked, nervous for the answer.  
"It's just, I dunno, last time he was really really sick, probably a bit worse than now, but we didn't know about mental health services so he was really bad at home but then once he went into hospital he just started getting better? Like almost over night? And Josh and Jenna would visit everyday and they'd walk together in the unit's garden and he actually wanted to get better, he was trying so hard and he went to all his sessions and took the meds and they worked."  
"Yeh,"  
"But now he's in hospital and it's not working and he's not getting better and he's not trying, it's like he doesn't even want to get better. It's easier for him to just obey **Blurryface** and he's got zero motivation to fight, so he's getting worse and worse."

"Do you think it would be different if my brother was still here?" Ashley said a moment later.  
"Yeah I do." Zack nodded honestly. "Josh was good at poking him in the butt when he wasn't working hard enough."  
"Sounds like J," she smiled to herself.  
"And Ty wanted to get better for him, you know? Like Tyler would do anything for him, whether that be climb Mount Everest or overcome his schizophrenia. If it would make Josh happy, he'd do it."  
"He was a good friend to him,"

"My Dad still thinks they were a couple," Zack sighed with a small smile, lightening the somber mood.  
"I mean I'm not entirely convinced he's wrong." Ashley laughed.  
"Remember when they went to the Valentine's ball together?"  
"Oh yeah, Ty got him that corsage,"  
"Yeah that's right, and there's that photo of them dancing and Debby and Jenna just sat at the back,"  
"Haha aw I love that photo,"  
"Here, look," Zack said, unlocking his phone then showing her how the image was set as his wallpaper.  
"That's a weird choice to have,"  
"Makes me smile," he shrugged.

"Ashley! Zack! The others have arrived!"   
"Ash? Your mom called us, are you okay?" Zack asked concerned, waving his hand in front of her as she realised she had zoned out for a brief second. "I'm sorry, I should have checked it was okay before showing you a picture of him,"  
"No no it's fine, I've got lots of pictures in my room, sorry I don't know what came over me."  
"As long as you're okay, that's all that's important."  
"I am." She nodded, then they walked through to the living room where Jenna, Debby and Patrick were settling. She was greeted with hugs from each, as was Zack, then they all sat down.

"Can I get anyone a drink?" Laura asked, hands on hips.  
"No thanks," everyone replied in varying versions.  
"Come on, someone must want something,"  
"Mom," Ashley tried to say.  
"Jenna? Anything? Debby? What do you want?"  
"Mom they said they're fine, why don't you sit down?" She suggested to her flustered mother.  
"But drinks, guests need drinks,"  
"Laura I'll have a coffee but only if I make it, why don't you come and have one with me?" Kelly came to her rescue, standing up and leading the grieving woman into the kitchen.

"Sorry about her," Ashley sighed apologetically to Jenna and Debby as she sat down on the carpet by them.  
"Don't be silly, it's fine,"  
"How are you both?"  
"I think we're okay, aren't we sweetheart?" Jenna nodded, patting Debby's thigh.  
"I'm getting there, I'm getting there. But how about you?" Debby asked.  
"Yeah, I'm uh, I'm alright actually. Hardest bit is keeping Mom and Abi from making each other cry, but me personally, I'm doing okay."  
"Good," Jenna smiled.

"We've been going to this group therapy thing? It's really good, it's called Cornerstone of Hope, and yeah, it's been helpful,"  
"Aw I'm pleased."  
"Actually I wanted to invite you along, we're doing a candle ceremony and I thought it might be nice for lots of people who knew him to be there."  
"A candle ceremony? What's that?" Debby asked.  
"Well everyone there has a candle and we all sit in a circle and pass round a splint to light them, as we light them we say their name and something we love about them. Once everyone's is lit we take some time to think about them, then we all blow the candles out. It's like a memorial,"  
"Oh okay, that'll be nice, I'll come." Jenna agreed.  
"I'll um, maybe, I'll think about it," Josh's girlfriend said to the floor, picking at the carpet with her bitten nails.

"Obviously you don't have to Deb, it's okay,"  
"Thanks," she whispered.

"Ashleyyyyy," Jay suddenly squealed, running from where he had been with Abi Zack and Patrick and instead jumping onto her back.  
"Hey little man,"  
"Hiiii,"  
"Wow I like your Spider-Man shirt, that's awesome," she smiled as he climbed off her back and instead stood by her side and played with her hair.  
"Ashley,"  
"Yeah?"  
"I'm actually really super bored."  
"Okay well should we find you something to do? Do you want to play a game?"  
"I wanna play with Joshie,"  
"Joshie's not here champ."  
"Is, i-is he feeling sick again?" The young boy asked whilst attempting a braid of some sort.  
"No he doesn't get sick anymore Jay, he passed away. He's in Heaven now, with God."  
"Okay, can I play cars instead?" Jay accepted and moved on immediately.  
"Yeah, do you know where they are?"   
"Yep," he grinned then sprinted off to find the toys.

Ashley took a moment to herself before reinitiating conversation with the girls. She had just shared that her brother was dead for probably the hundredth time and decided that it was getting easier, she just didn't know how that made her feel. It was getting easier to say he was gone, it was becoming normal to except that Josh was gone, but did that mean it was becoming normal that she was the oldest? Was it just everyday life now? Would she one day not even blink when he was brought up? Would she even go as far as to forget him?

"Zack and Abi have gone to join Jay, mind if I squeeze in?" Patrick asked, walking over to the triangle they were sat in on the floor.  
"Course not," Ashley made space for him. "How's Pete?"  
"Erhh," he sighed into his hands, rubbing his face. "Desperate to hear from me, desperate to see me, desperate to be with me, desperate to come home and getting harder and harder to say no to."  
"But he gets like this when he's sick, clingy, you've gotta stay strong babe." Jenna told him, sad smile on her face.  
"Yeah no I know, he's not well enough to come back yet." Patrick agreed, same look of heartbreak on his face as Debby.

"Is he still attending his sessions?" Ashley asked.  
"Yep, he's uh, he's manic at the moment so sessions are the most exciting things in the world because he gets to tell everyone how powerful he is, gets to share this message that God gave him and save everyone."  
"Oh Pat, I'm sorry darling,"  
"I shouldn't complaining to you of all people,"   
"No don't be ridiculous, Josh wouldn't want everyone else to suffer in silence because of him."  
"True," he seemed to genuinely think about what she was saying.

"How about Ty? Zack said that he hadn't heard anything but I dunno whether Kelly might have been sheltering him?"  
"No not as fair as I'm aware, I haven't heard anything either." Jenna replied. "They moved him yesterday morning and told us it's gonna take 3 days to settle him so no visits during that time."  
"Right,"  
"I got the name of the ward so I've been googling it a bit. It's a part of Young Minds still, they're like sister hospitals except Ty's new one is an intensive care ward and it's called Moonlight."  
"Oh that's sweet, J's cancer ward was Starlight."  
"Aw I didn't even think of that," she smiled. "When he's better I think that will mean a lot to him."  
"Yeah definitely." Pat agreed.

"It's over an hour's drive which is tough because visiting time is only 45 minutes a day so it's a 2 hour round trip for not much time together, but obviously I'm still gonna go as much as possible,"   
"Yeah course, how about school? Are you guys going at all?"  
"We're gonna try going back on Monday aren't we Jen?" Patrick said and she nodded. "But Deb needs a while longer,"  
"Mmm," she agreed, still playing with the carpet.  
"Mom's letting us stay home till Christmas break because there's only 3 weeks left, then we're going back in January probably. If you don't feel up to school but need company then you're welcome to join us here." Ashley offered her brother's girlfriend.   
"Yeh, um, it's, yeah, I don't think I can. Being here, it's harder than I thought." Debby whispered.  
"Do you need to leave now?" Jenna asked but she shook her head no, tears brimming on her lower lashes.

"It's okay if you can't stay, coming back was difficult for me as well," Ashley offered her an out.  
"S'fine," she mouthed but nobody believed her.  
"Well if you need company but can't be here then I'll come to you, J would have wanted me to look after you."  
"Yeh," Debby nodded, a tear spilling.

"Dinner! Everyone sit up!" Laura poked her head round the door, summoning them all. "Ashley, kitchen."  
"See you in a minute." She groaned as she stood up and followed her mom into the kitchen. As soon as she entered she had to resist the urge to gasp at the sheer volume of food prepared on the surface. There were dishes of every colour and size and smell, overwhelming her senses and and taking her breath away. At least half a dozen desserts were set to the side and each was decorated to perfection and had clearly taken a long time. Her mom had clearly been up all night cooking. She was clearly at breaking point and Ashley didn't see a clear way to cope with it.

 

 

 **"Tyler look at me. FUCKING LOOK AT ME." Blurry** screamed but Tyler didn't tear his eyes from their fixed position staring at a peeled corner of a dressing just above his hand. **"I'm sorry baby boy, I didn't mean to shout, I love you, just look at me." He** apologised but Tyler didn't react. **"YOU'RE A TWO FACED FUCKING CUNT, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND!!"**   
"You're wrong! You're wrong actually, I'm not supposed to be your friend because you're not real **Blur**! I was supposed to be Josh's friend, I was supposed to be there for him and you took that from me!"  
 **"And I'd do it again in a heartbeat." He** hissed.

"I will never be friends with you."  
 **"Ha! You think that's a fucking threat?! YOU'RE PATHETIC!"**  
"You're wrong," Tyler tried and failed to say bravely. **  
"YOU'RE PUTTY IN MY HANDS, AND GUESS WHAT, THIS PATHETIC PUTTY IS GONNA BE BLEEDING OUT SOON!"**  
"I'm not," **  
"What makes you think you have any say in the matter, scum."**  
"Because they're my hands, I control them."  
 **"Pahaha!" Blurry** laughed at him, chilling him to the very bone and making his heart pound through his bony chest. **"You think you have power! Ha! That's funny!"**  
"I-" **  
"SHUT UP. YOU'RE NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU DO AS I FUCKING SAY OR I'M GOING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL."**  
"It already is." Tyler whispered and tears began rolling down his scratched cheeks. He almost had a fucking heart attack when suddenly **Blurry's** face appeared opposite his, eyes still frightening Tyler towards an early grave. The figure sniggered then began jabbing Tyler's cheeks with a long black finger ending in a sharp thick claw like nail. It hurt and Tyler cried harder.

 **"WEAK. PATHETIC. USELESS. DISGUSTING. SHAMEFUL." He** repeated, spitting in Tyler's face with each syllable before alternating cheek.  
"I hate you."  
 **"Good, it makes hurting you so much easier,"**  
"I hate you,"  
 **"You're telling me that upsets you, good." He** licked **his** lips with a black tongue before finally laughing shrilly and standing up.

"I don't even know what day he died! That's your fault!" Tyler cried, wiping his painful cheeks with the dressing he forgot was on the back of his hand.  
 **"No, it's your fault Tyler. It's because of you that he died."**  
"He had cancer!"  
 **"Because of you."**  
"Tha-at's not true," he shook his head tearfully. "S'not my fault."  
 **"But you attacked him Tyler."**  
"I did what?" Tyler's head suddenly snapped up in horror.  
 **"After we went to his empty house, after I made you cut your stomach just like you will be doing later," Blurry** snarled and Tyler's mind raced. **"You went to the hospital and you went to his room and you attacked him. You pushed him over the edge Tyler, you."**  
"I, I, I,"  
 **"You killed him Tyler. He had cancer but it was you who killed him."**

Tyler knew **Blurry's** game, he knew how **he** always tried to manipulate him and outright lie to him, but this, this was different. Through the messy fogginess of his twisted mind he could make out a memory. He had been at Josh's house, he was bleeding, Jenna and um, Jenna and Debby arrived and they took him to hospital. The man, the doctor, the name he couldn't remember, had stitched him up and then, oh no, oh no no no. He had ran, he ran to ICU and he remembered pushing Brendon out of the way and, and he couldn't remember what happened next, all he could hear was the way Debby screamed and desperately tried to push him back from the bed. And that must have been it, that was when he killed his best friend.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly thank you so much to everyone who wished me a happy birthday, honestly means the world and I love you all xxx
> 
> Secondly I just wanted to say that it's okay to be proud of your work. I recently read a fic that was 43 chapters long and on EVERY single chapter note the author wrote "Oh this is so bad, I hate this, I'm gonna delete this," or something along those lines.  
> It's okay to be confident, alright? It's okay for me to say, yes, this fic is a piece of writing that I personally think I've done a good job on. Of course I don't love every chapter, some are an absolute nightmare for me to get to a place where I feel comfortable with sharing them, but I don't always feel the need to share that struggle with you because you guys are amazing and always praise me and compliment me and that makes me feel good. I know you're not complimenting just because I threatened to delete, you complimented because you're a genuine fan and that's the greatest motivation to write at all.  
> Not every chapter is going to feel perfect to write, that's okay. Simultaneously some chapters you're gonna write and they're gonna be totally kick ass, and that's okay too. It's okay to be proud of your work <3 x


	33. Chapter 33

Tyler hadn't slept that night, but it didn't make for a huge change. Sleep was no relief, endless nightmares taunting his every attempt at rest. He knew not sleeping properly only made him sicker but it didn't make it any easier.

He tried to think of anything that made this easier, thought back to the lists of techniques he used to post on his blog, thought back to what had helped last time, thought back to how Josh had helped him last time, and with that he was sobbing again.

 **"Do you ever stop crying?!"**  
"Shut up shut up SHUT UP!" He begged, covering his face with the blanket as he curled up and choked aggressively on the tears suffocating him. He hated **Blurry** but more than that he hated himself, he hated every inch of his vile form and it didn't take **Blurry's** orders to make him suddenly start scratching every patch of exposed skin in a desperate attempt to punish himself for what he did to Josh. The scabs already lining his arms were easily torn off but the pain was nowhere equivalent to the crime and Tyler deserved to pay far worse.

"Tyler? It's time for breakfast darling." His nurse Sarah entered to inform him.  
 **"You killed Josh."**  
"Please, PLEASE, make **him** shut up, please,"   
"Are you hallucinating Tyler?"  
 **"Didn't hallucinate beating your best friend to death."**  
"MAKE IT STOP!"   
"Alright Ty, you gets meds at breakfast and that should help, then you've got therapy afterwards. Would you like me to tidy up your scratches?" Sarah asked but Tyler didn't deserve for the bleeding to stop, he didn't deserve treatment, he deserved severe punishment.  
"Don't fucking TOUCH ME!"  
"Tyler don't swear at me cupcake, we've got a no violence no threatening language policy here, you don't wanna end up getting transferred again. Moonlight is the best hospital in the state for psychosis, don't miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime over something silly like cussing."   
"FUCK OFF!" He half screeched half cried, not caring about his place on the ward at all. It would be better for everyone if they just let him go and let **Blurry** win.

"Darling, let's pop you out of those clothes and into something clean and then I'll take you for breakfast."  
 **"You don't deserve food."**  
"I know **Blur**! I KNOW!" Tyler sobbed hysterically. "Ple-e-ease, l-leave me a-alone,"  
"S'non optional Ty, come on, come of your own accord, it's so much nicer than having to use force."  
"I don't deserve nice!"  
"You don't deserve to go through this, and we're going to help you get better but you only get out what you put in. Nothing works unless you do."  
"I don't wanna work, I WANNA DIE!"  
"I don't think that's true Ty, I think your illness wants you to die, I think you want your illness to die, I don't think you want to die. Everything inside you is fighting each other and that must feel really nasty, but death isn't a solution."  
"It is, it is it is it is, it makes it all stop!"  
"Medication and therapy will make it all stop too Tyler, except this way you get a happy ending."  
 **"You don't deserve a happy ending."**

"Tyler what about your friends? Your family? If you don't want to live for yourself then get better for them."  
"No no no no, I WANT TO DIE,"  
"What about Mom? And Zack? And Jenna? They're all coming to visit tomorrow, coming to check on your progress - don't you want to show them that you're trying for them?"  
"I killed the only person I've ever cared about!"  
"The new meds will help with delusions too."  
"S'not, s'not a delusion, I killed him," Tyler wept desperately.

"Who? Who did you kill Tyler?"  
"J-josh,"  
"Your friend who died of cancer?"  
"I killed him!"  
"Have you killed anyone else?" Sarah asked as he cried.  
 **"Hundreds, hundreds have died at your hands TyTy." Blurry** growled and suddenly Tyler could see their blood dripping from the ends of his fingers and dribbling down his wrists. Who else had he killed? Who's blood was this? Who else's life did he have to pay for in pain and blood and tears?

 

 

  
"Debby sweetheart? S'time to go."  
"5 more minutes."  
"You've already had an extra 15 darling, really, we need to get going if we want to get to the church on time."  
"Please Mom," she asked quietly, playing with the chain of her necklace whilst sitting on the end of her perfectly made bed. Her dress had only come back from the dry cleaners that morning, the pleats of the black skirt perfectly ironed and perfectly spread across her knees. For a long minute she had contemplated painting her nails black too, but instead opted for perfect pearly bases with perfectly practiced white tips. She was proud of them but she knew they were a distraction, and she was running out of stalls for the inevitable.

"Do you need some help putting that on?"   
"Um, yes please." Debby nodded as her mother sat behind her, taking the silver chain with its simple daisy pendant and undoing the clasp. With a recently moisturised hand, Debby scooped up her recently curled ginger hair and held it up whilst she fastened it.  
"This was a gift from him, wasn't it?"  
"Yeh," she whispered as she replaced her locks either side of her neck, letting them tumble in a way that was far too precise to be as naturally flowing as everyone presumed it was. She had to look perfect for him.

"Have you got your speech notes ready?"  
"Uh huh," she nodded again, the pile of cards perfectly written in gel pen and arranged in order in a neat pile on her dresser.  
"Dad and I will be sat right there honey, if you need a reassuring nod then look to us."  
"I will."  
"We're both very proud of you Deb,"  
"Thank you,"  
"And you look lovely,"  
"Thank you,"  
"He'd say the same."  
"Thank you." Debby murmured, no longer having the necklace to fiddle with so instead positioning and repositioning the fabric of her dress.

"It's time sweetheart,"  
"Just another minute."  
"You've had a lot of minutes darling, it's not gonna get easier with another few more. Come on, it's time."  
"Please Mom, please," she squeaked, desperate not to spoil her makeup with the tears brimming on her lower lashes. It was a stupid idea to wear any in the first place.  
"It's his funeral Debby, you don't want to miss it baby. It'll be hard but you need to go."  
"I, I, I don't think I can,"  
"Okay sweetheart, look at me, I'm gonna tell you a story," she said, taking both of Debby's hands and waiting as she turned on the mattress to make shaky eye contact.

"When Mom and Dad were in high school together, we were friends with this big group of people. There were dad's friends, the jocks, the cool kids who drove too fast and drank too much and cared far too little about school. Then there was me and my friends, half blondes who only cared about those jocks, half girls who were like you. Bright, adventurous, funny. Beautiful." She began to explain, stroking her hand softly.

"Dad's best friend was a guy called Tony. Tony, there aren't really words to describe Tony other than different from the rest. He was the guy who made sure your dad went to class at least occasionally, kept him mostly out of trouble, basically the reason your dad even graduated at all."  
"Yeah,"  
"And I think that's what made it so hard for your dad to accept, when Tony died. Out of all the group, of course we wouldn't wish it on anyone, but Tony was both the least deserving and the most surprising. It was a couple of weeks after graduation, we went out to New Mexico of all places, one of the guys had a house out in the desert and we all drove there road trip style. Big house, big pool, not a soul around. There was lots of tanning for us girls and lots of diving for the guys, and music, music all the time. Some days we went out on quad bikes racing, other days were spent snake catching and snake BBQing, but all the time there was music and drinking."  
"Yeh," Debby listened.

"It was the last night there after 2 weeks of perfection, and we threw a big party. The guy whose house it was had a bunch of old friends in Albuquerque and they all invited their friend and their friends and so on, and in the end there were more people than places to stand. We drank, we danced, we drank, and some people took things too, Dad included."  
"Right."  
"Next morning I wake up, awful hangover, not a clue what had happened the night before. I stayed where I was for a while, and I only moved when I heard Dad screaming. He'd found Tony, face down in the swimming pool."  
"Oh,"  
"Post mortem determined cause of death a bad ecstasy pill rather than drowning, but your dad, he just lost it Deb. There were all sorts of police interviews we had to do in Albuquerque but as soon as we got back to Columbus, Dad just shut himself off from the world. I didn't hear from him for days on end, I used to call his mom up every morning to check whether he was still alive, it was horrendous. He was so angry Deb, all the time, he was angry that he didn't do anything, that it was Tony who got the bad pill when he had taken them as well, that he had got Tony involved in the party scene at all. He was angry and I didn't know what to do, and that anger long surpassed the funeral. I went to the funeral but your dad never did, and that meant he never got to say goodbye or feel any sense of closure. The summer went on and soon it was time for uni and we both had places at OSU and I moved onto campus but your dad never did. Deb your dad never went to university because he was so deep into this pit of grief, and for a long long time I didn't think he was gonna get out of it."  
"Yeh,"

"We eventually worked through it. He refused any sort of professional help and a lot of the healing came from time, but I did my best to walk him through it all. He almost lost everything, he lost his uni place which ruined his career path and he was arrested several times for destruction of property and assault and other incidents where he was fuelled by anger and got caught. And you know what he said to me a few years after he managed to get himself back on track?"  
"What?"  
"I wish I had gone to the funeral." Her mother told her. "He doesn't talk about Tony very often anymore, but whenever he does he always says he regrets not going. It's a closure thing, but it's also a respectful thing and a sign of reverence."  
"Mmm,"

"Deb sweetheart you're 18 years old, you shouldn't be burying your boyfriend, it's not right, but that doesn't change the facts okay? You need to do this, you need to say goodbye."  
"I don't wanna move on,"  
"You don't have to move on today, that's not what this funeral is, this is saying goodbye to all the hurting and the crying and the pain associated with him, both his and yours, this is not you moving on and forgetting him entirely."   
"What, w-what if I can never move on?"  
"Darling we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. For now I need you to summon the courage to leave this room and go to the church with Dad and me. Can you do that?"  
"Can I have a minute?"  
"Sweetheart we'll be late,"  
"Please, I'll come I promise, I just need a minute to myself."  
"I'll wait downstairs," her mom said, then pressed a kiss to her forehead before leaving her alone in her bedroom.

Debby let out a deep sigh before standing up and walking across to her dresser. The stool was white oak and matched the furniture filling her room, and she pulled out a small drawer containing her makeup removal wipes. She took one out and began undoing all the hard work she had put in whilst making eye contact with herself in the mirror.

You can do this, you can do this, you can do this.

The photo of her and J, red lipstick print on his cheek, which had once filled the top left edge of her mirror now found its home under a pile of school books, but she wiggled it out and held it in front of her whilst wiping her final smudges away.

He had that distinct crinkle in the corner of his eyes as he grinned, their faces smushed together, and Debby was hit by a wave of affection. For so long she had felt nothing but pain and sadness, and yet even a memory of him from a photo made her smile and reminded her of the love she felt for that boy. In turn that love triggered pain and sadness and she wiped away a tear wth the dirty cloth.

She stuck the photo back up then ensured all her mascara was properly rubbed off before sighing again and throwing the wipe away. Her purse laid on the bed and she picked it up, putting in her phone, her notecards and a pack of tissues. Boy was she gonna need them.

 

 

  
Something didn't feel right, there was this sort of twist in his stomach, a mismatch of wires in his mind, something, something was just off and Pat couldn't put his finger on what exactly it was. Maybe he was being ridiculous, it was his friend's funeral, course things didn't feel totally settled. And yet that thought would leave his head no matter how hard he tried to shake it off.

The church was packed, more people crammed in than he could possibly name off the top of his head. Seemed like the entire school had piled in to say their farewells, and that should have made Patrick feel appreciative and happy but really it made him feel lonely. The friends of Josh's who hadn't seen him for months and months were sat and stood in the back but the front rows were reserved for close loved ones and they felt empty to him. No Pete. No Brendon. No Jordan. No Tyler. It was barren and wrong and most definitely not what Josh would've wanted.

"Hey, budge up a bit," Jenna said as she came back to their bench after checking in Debby, who had texted 5 minutes ago to say she'd arrived.  
"Hey, she alright?"  
"I think so, quiet, but understandably so." She replied as she settled down and put her purse on the floor. "She's waiting outside with his family, gonna walk in with them once it's time for service to begin."  
"That's sweet, she belongs on the front row with them." Patrick said quietly and Jenna nodded agreeingly before reaching out and taking one of the order of service booklets resting on the wooden shelf.

"Have you read one of these yet?"  
"Yeh." He nodded, picking up his copy and looking down at the portrait of Josh with his full name and the dates that were far too close together.  
"They chose a good picture of him, he looks happy."  
"Really happy." Patrick agreed as Jenna flipped through the pages of hymns and readings that were going to commence in only a few moments time.

"I think I might take an extra one for Ty, you think that's a good idea?"  
"Um, well I think he'll definitely want one once he's discharged, maybe take two just in case you give him one tomorrow and something happens to it? Like him ripping it."  
"Yeah that's a good plan. How about Pete? Gonna save one for him?" Jenna asked.  
"I offered, he said he's okay grieving his way."  
"And is he? Is he okay?"  
"I saw him this morning and he was really tearful but he didn't seem too self destructive. He's upset that he can't be here today but I don't think that that's gonna develop into anything harmful."  
"Sounds like improvement?"   
"He's getting there, he's getting there." Patrick nodded slowly, thinking about his boyfriend.

"How about Ty? Any news?"  
"Yeah Kelly spoke to his new head of care this morning who gave us permission for a visit tomorrow but said Ty's struggling, so yeah, we've got to do this stupid briefing thing before we go in which I'm nervous over."  
"Briefing? What's that?"  
"S'just gonna be some doc telling us how to not trigger him, because he's known him 3 days which of course means he understands him much better than his own family." Jenna sighed sarcastically but Pat could tell how truly anxious she was.  
"Grin and bare it, the important thing is you're getting to see Ty."  
"True, I just, I, I dunno,"  
"You just want him to be okay, don't worry, I understand."  
"Course you do." She smiled sadly, still holding the funeral order of service book in her hands.

"Ladies and gentleman, please stand." The funeral conductor said from the front of the church, and Patrick took a deep breath before joining the rest of the 200 strong crowd in rising to their feet.

Music began playing on what sounded like an organ and Patrick didn't hate it, he just wouldn't have particularly chosen that specific style for someone like Josh. No doubt Josh would have wanted something lively, maybe even gone for Life of Brian always look on the bright side of life. But no, organ chords it was as Ashley Abi Debby and Laura walked in and lead the procession which was followed by a casket carried by 6 strangers. Closed casket, Pat supposed it was best that way.

3 of the 4 women sat on the first row right in front of Patrick and Jenna and few other people, but he watched as Abi instead turned the other way and slipped onto a bench where her father was. It still filled him with anger when he remembered what Bill had done to Josh, and yet he was pleased that Abi was there for him on the day of his son's funeral. In spite of that, having only 3 people on the immediate family pew seemed so wrong for a kid who was so adored by his family.

"Thank you, please be seated." The elderly man said, and they followed his instruction whilst the pallbearers walked away. He knew for a fact that Josh had enough friends to easily find volunteers to carry him in, and it felt weirdly disrespectful for these men for whom it had become routine to be playing the honourable roles.

"We meet here today to honour the life of Joshua William Dun. We give thanks for his life and ask God to bless him now that his time in this world has come to an end. For Josh, the journey is now beginning. But for us, there is loss, grief and pain. Every one of us here has been affected - perhaps in small ways, or perhaps in transformative ones- by Joshua. His life mattered to us all."

"It is important for us to collectively acknowledge and accept that the world has fundamentally changed with his passing. We are all grieving. Life will not be the same - nor should it be. Together, let us open our hearts and commemorate the impact Josh had on us." He bellowed to the crowd and Patrick felt Jenna's slender fingers wrap around his hand, and looked up to see tears glistening in her eyes.

"Members of Josh's family will be coming forward to share thoughts on his life, but first let us sing together a song that he loved. Please stand." The speech giver said and everyone opened their crisp white booklets to find the lyrics to a hymn that Patrick knew Josh had no strong feelings towards. The music began and the words left his mouth but all the while he was listing off song after song that Josh would have preferred. Jimmy James by the Beastie Boys. The Rock Show by blink-182. Bull on Parade by Rage Against The Machine. Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie.

"Pat sit down," he heard Jenna whisper and he realised that the song was over, so quickly rushed to lower himself back on the bench. She didn't bother to ask if he was okay because the tears streaming his face told the whole story.

"Now please, I ask for Laura to join me and share a few words about her eldest son with you all." The gentleman said and Patrick watched through blurred vision as Laura shakily stood and took over for him at the stand.  
"Thank you Charles. Often in eulogies it's the giver's duty to list off all the many things the person went through throughout their life, maybe state their jobs, their hobbies, their experiences and adventures, all the things they endured and achieved during their long life. My son, my boy, he didn't get the luxury of as many years as he deserved, and yet he's been through enough to last two lifetimes."

"I could list off all the fond memories I have of him, tell you about times he made me laugh until I cried, all the occasions he did something with so much courage I was blown away, all the times he made me beyond proud to call him my son. But the truth is that I was proud of him every single day and still continue to be. The truth is that I have a thousand memories with him and the truth is I know you all have a thousand of your own, because that's just who Josh was. Memorable."

"I think there's a big part of Josh that nobody here knows, that maybe I didn't completely know either. He was scared, I won't ever deny that, he was scared of what was happening to him and what he was becoming and what would eventually occur. And in a way that brings me comfort, knowing that he's endured his worst fear, because it means that fear is gone and he's no longer afraid."

"The fear he felt didn't make him weak, to me it made him seem even stronger. He had fears and yet he faced them with a smile and that's a level of courage that I pray I will one day be able to obtain. He's an inspiration."

"Before he died, Josh spent a lot of time ensuring that the world he would leave behind could continue to function without him. And that wasn't him being egotistical, it was him being realistic. He knew how much he meant to us and he cared enough to take the time to make sure we'll be okay. I know he's done it with each and every one of you who visited him since his relapse, and he even did it with me, his own mother. He gave me 3 weeks, 3 weeks to cry and to hurt and to grieve, and then I have to move on. And I don't think there's any conceivable way I'll ever be able to move on from losing my child, but I know what he meant; 3 weeks, so that gives me another 14 days, then I'm going to do what's going to make him proud, and I'll pull myself together and restart my life once again. Please, I urge you all to do the same, to think of what Josh would want. As much as it's tempting to wallow in the pain, it's the last thing Josh would want. Take today to say goodbye, then make him proud. Thank you." She said, then shakily walked back to her pew where she was greeted by hugs from Ashley and Debby.

"Thank you Laura. And now I believe your daughter Ashley would like to elaborate on that final point with a reading entitled, feel no guilt in laugher." The old man invited Ashley up, and she carried a piece of card and bunched up tissues with her as she joined him.

"Feel no guilt in laughter, he'd know how much you care; feel no sorrow in a smile that he is not here to share. You cannot grieve forever, he would not want you to, he'd hope that you could carry on the way you always do. So talk about the good times and the way you showed you cared, the days you spent together, all the happiness you shared." She did her very best not to cry as she read.

"Let memories surround you, a word someone may say, will suddenly recapture a time, an hour, a day; that brings him back so clearly as though he was still here, and fills you with the feeling that he is always near. For if you keep these moments, you will never be apart, and he will live forever locked safely in your heart." Ashley finished the poem and folded it over. "I miss you J, I miss you and I love you."

"Beautiful, truly beautiful, thank you. Next, Mrs Joseph will be joining me on behalf of her son, Tyler, who couldn't be here today but was a dear friend of Josh's."

"Thank you Charles, and thank you Ashley and Laura, your words were very touching." Kelly took her turn at the wooden stand. "If you knew Josh, chances are you know my son. To say Josh and Ty were best friends seems like an understatement, they were soulmates, and for that reason I don't believe that this means it's the end of their friendship, simply another stage in a bond that will last for eternity."

"My son, he struggles with schizophrenia, he's in hospital today and that's why he couldn't be here. His condition is absolute torture, for him and for us, however somehow Josh was able to bring him some much needed peace during the roughest of times. And when Josh found out that his cancer was terminal, that he wasn't always going to be the support that Tyler needs, his first words to me were not those of fear or anger but instead of concern for who was going to look after Ty when he couldn't. Josh has done a lot of important things for me, saved my son's life countless times, and on the day he found out he was terminal, he did another amazing thing. Tyler runs an anonymous online blog and Josh was the only person who knew how to find it, however he discreetly passed on that username to me so that I could continue to check on him whilst he lost his ability to read. I think that says a lot about Josh, he wasn't upset he couldn't read, he was upset he couldn't look after someone else."

"This blog, this secret that they shared, when I first delved in I was honestly in shock at what I was reading. So many tear inducing stories that a mother never wants to think about her son experiencing, but also so much hope. More often than not, that hope came in the form of Josh, and if you don't mind I would like to read two of my son's blog posts so that his words, his true and unfiltered words, can be heard at Josh's funeral." Kelly said and Patrick wiped another tear as she pulled out the first printed web page.

"Josh came to school today. From the moment we met eyes in homeroom, I knew he shouldn't have been there, they weren't his eyes and his skin wasn't its normal colour and he just didn't look right. If it were up to me then I would have taken him back home straight away, but he's probably the most stubborn guy I know. If anything represents that, it's the fact that he was not sat in a wheelchair in homeroom, but instead had a walker beside his desk. I had been in the hospital with him only a few days ago when the consultant said he was falling too much using the crutches because of his increasing lack of balance and they didn't want to risk him breaking fragile bones during these falls. Wheelchair was mentioned and immediately shot down because this guy is absolutely determined to walk and refuses to give in, and eventually it was the consultant who caved and gave him the walker for a trial."

"Anyway, I walked in and I knew he was having a rough health day just by looking at him, and it turned out to be just a generally a horrible day all round. In the morning he passed out in front of the whole class and was so embarrassed about causing a scene; then at lunch he received an email telling him that the medical trial he was hoping to be a part of had decided that he wasn't suitable; and to top things off, when we were walking home through the park some dipcrap on a bike decided it was okay to heckle him and call him an old man, then kick his walker as he went past. It completely slipped from under him and he ended up on the floor."

"I helped him up and carefully took him over to the bench next to us, and I was expecting him to either burst into tears or get super angry, but nope. So I was like 'Josh, tell me what you need because I've got you.' And he took a moment to think, before saying 'Tyler I need me a raspberry slushie'. I couldn't help but smile at him, this guy was still shaking like a leaf and I could tell he was completely freaked out, but all he wanted was a slushie. So of course I ran to the other side of the park and bought him the biggest one they sold, then ran back and gave it to him. He had only been holding it a few seconds, hadn't taken a single sip, when a little girl dropped her slushie right in front of us. She was only 5 or 6, and without hesitation Josh gave her his. Because that's who Josh is. Josh is calm and forgiving and selfless, and just so damn nice." Kelly finished that particular story and Patrick was in floods because he could remember that day so clearly, and apparently so could Jenna and Debby who were both sobbing, just like they had done at the lunch table when Josh revealed what the email had said. Josh was the only one who hadn't shed a tear, in fact Josh was the one comforting all of them. It was so real, felt just like yesterday, but it wasn't because he wasn't alive yesterday.

"This second entry is from a bit later on, more recent, and this is just an extract but earlier Tyler explained that Josh is in a wheelchair and on constant oxygen now." She began to explain as Patrick wrapped an arm around Jenna, who rested her head against him as she wept. "Picnics always look so good in the movies, a checkered rug and a whicker basket that contain enough food to feed an army but the main characters barely touch it as they indulge in the ever present sun and ignore the ants and the hay fever. It's fair to say that I'm not a fan of picnics. However when Josh asked if we could go on one together yesterday, I was suddenly their number 1 fan."

"Picnics with Josh have their own issues, besides the ants and the pollen, issue 1 being that trying to push a wheelchair and carry a basket over a ridiculously bumpy field is no mean feat, issue 2 being he can't actually eat. However those were mere blips that I chose to work around and in the end I managed to get us to a nice spot with next to no pain involved for either of us. He was out of the chair and on the floor with me, watching as I demolished the pack of tacos I had filled the basket with, and we were making happy small talk."

"Eventually I caved and asked why he'd wanted to do something that couldn't have been much fun for him, but at that point he interrupted to say he was going to pass out. I laid him down slowly and then a moment later he was gone, and I was left with this sinking feeling in my chest, this fear I suppose. It sort of hit me that he hadn't invited me out there on some sort of date, he clearly had a motive, clearly wanted to talk about something, and as I watched his rolled eyes flutter in the back of his skull, I came to the conclusion that it probably wasn't going to be something good."

"A while passed, maybe 3 or 4 minutes, before he regained consciousness. We tried to sit him back up but his balance was all messed up because of how dizzy he was feeling, so instead I lied down next to him. The next few minutes were silent as we cloud watched, both knowing what had to be said, and then somehow he found the courage to let the words leave his lips. 'Ty, I'm not getting any better' he said."

"It was easier to play dumb than to face up to the truth that I already knew, so I told him to stop being silly and of course he would get better and he'd beaten cancer before so he could do it again. He didn't interrupt me, just let me sound off all these reasons why he was wrong, why he would get better if he didn't give up. And only once I ran out of words that nobody believed did he begin to speak. He managed to reach across and hold my hand, and then he told me it was terminal, he told me that the doctors were saying 6 months but he reckoned he had 9 left in the tank, and then he told me to cry."

"Getting me to cry, to properly let go, it wasn't some weird power move, it was him understanding that I'm my own worst enemy and if left to my own devices then all those feelings would have been left to grow and grow inside until they poisoned me beyond saving. He understood exactly what needed to happen and he did exactly the right thing, and I love him for it."

"Josh has access to this blog, he reads my posts and we talk about them if he feels they need to be talked about. However this one isn't for you Josh, this is for all the poor souls who were never lucky enough to have you in their lives. If that's you, here's a few things you need to know about Josh. He is unique. There has never been anyone like him, nor will there ever be, and I feel so utterly privileged to be able to say that I was able to share a few of my years with him. He is kind. He has no front and the longer you know him the more you are in awe of how genuinely kind he is. He is brave. It's a quality that's never truly known until tested, and Josh has been pushed and pushed and pushed but never once has his resolve faltered. Yes he has been afraid at times, but he has never backed away from the fight, never thrown the towel in or given up, and that's true bravery."

"It's strange to think, as a lay here in my bed, that one day soon I'll be laying here and Josh will be gone. It's impossible to predict what will happen or how we'll cope, all I know is that the world will be forever changed because for some of us, he is our world. One thing is sure, this little planet we call home won't be the same without him."

Kelly finished reading Tyler's post and had barely folded it in half again before Debby stood up and ran out of the church in a mess of salty tears. Jenna and Patrick were both in the same state and it didn't take much triggering for them to both stand up too and shuffle out of their row and out the door after her. The church was silent, except sniffs, in shock but the last thing on Patrick's mind was their opinions.

Just beyond the boundaries of the church, Debby was sat on the curb of the sidewalk, huddled over and sobbing erratically. Jenna sat to her left and Patrick to her right, and he wrapped an arm around her back but she didn't lean into him and instead desperately gasped for breath.

"He, w-wou-would, have, ha-ated this," she eventually spluttered. "He wanted a cel-celebrattttion! N-not everyone cry-ing,"  
"Y-ye-eah," Patrick agreed entirely.  
"Ty should have been saying those words, not Kelly," Jenna squeaked tearfully, managing to breathe slightly more rationally than the other two but nevertheless a mess.  
"S'not right, n-no Ty, no Pe-ete, no J-Jordan, no B-bren, s'not right," he shook his head and bit his lip as hot salt water scolded his cheeks.

And so they sat there, all 3 crying as the traffic drove past oblivious. They all missed their partners, Patrick wanting nothing more than for Pete to come home, Jenna wanting nothing more than for Tyler to calm down, Debby wanting nothing more than for Josh to be here, with them, with her. He would have known exactly what to do and how to fix everything but he couldn't, this time he couldn't fix it, and Patrick couldn't help but wonder whether their little friendship group could ever be fixed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey strangers,  
> So I know I have been MIA recently and I do apologise for that, however I don't regret it. A close friend of mine passed away very soon after my last post and I simply couldn't find the strength or stability or imagination to write. I'm slowly coming back to it, please continue to be patient though <3 I'm doing the best I can xx  
> Thank you x


	34. Chapter 34

The briefing meeting was as tedious as she had imagined, but Jenna doubted she would have been able to concentrate even if the doctor did have something new to say. All the words he was spouting were along those lines of 'don't raise your voice, don't tell him the hallucinations aren't real' blah blah blah. She couldn't stay tuned in. Her mind was a mess, her eyes still puffy and sore from her night of crying, and she was unbelievably nervous to see Ty.

Zack and Kelly seemed to be in slightly better shape than her, holding quiet conversation in the waiting room whilst she bit at hangnails and tried not to cry again. Sarah, Tyler's new nurse, had popped down to the office to laminate all the things she had brought for her boyfriend: a copy of the funeral order of service booklet, a photo of them on a date and a photo of him and Josh. She knew it was a long shot that any if it would be able to help him, but Sarah leapt at the idea then suggested reinforcing the fragile card just in case something were to happen to them. The fact that Tyler's nurse didn't even trust him with a piece of paper didn't exactly fill Jenna with confidence.

"Here we go, for you," Sarah came back into the room and gave Jenna back the items with a smile. "Want to follow me?"  
"Thank you," she whispered as they stood up.  
"Did Dr Jaram give you all permission to go in together? Or are we going one at a time?"  
"He said we can go together but it's up to you if you think otherwise." Kelly answered as they walked down the white hall towards the bedrooms.

"I think he'll be okay with all of you, but can you nominate two people to step outside if he's overwhelmed?"  
"I will," Zack volunteered and Jenna knew she should be the other but she didn't want to leave, she couldn't leave him, not if he was in a state.  
"It's okay darling, you can stay, I'll leave too." His mother knew what she was thinking.  
"Right great, thank you. So here we are," Sarah announced as they reached a heavy door with a small thin rectangular window above Tyler's name. She looked through it before pushing the door open and showing the three loved ones in.

"Tyler, you've got visitors." She said and Jenna failed to hold back tears when she saw him. It wasn't him, it couldn't be him, the damaged timid shell in front of her couldn't be him - he looked so broken. Both his arms were covered by endless dressings and gauzes, and scratches lined his pale sunken cheeks. He sat on his bed, slumped against the wall and completely out of it, eyes blinking slowly and not tracking anyone.

"Hey Ty," Zack broke the silence, walking over and giving his brother a hug, but Tyler didn't even lift a finger and didn't register the interaction at all.   
"Hi baby, it's Momma, you look very handsome today," Kelly took her turn, stroking his hair down flat against his sweaty face then planting a kiss on his crown before hugging his rag doll body for herself.

"How much medication has he been given? He's barely conscious." She asked the nurse whilst stroking his hair.  
"There's been an increase in all his dosages where possible and the addition of a mild sedative, but please be assured that it's all safe and he's monitored."  
"Mild? He's a zombie." Zack muttered as he sat in one of the chairs opposite the bed, but Jenna was still stood frozen in the doorway with tears coating her cheeks. Tyler wasn't Tyler, Tyler was empty.

"Zack don't say that about your brother please, he's doing well, aren't you baby?" She hummed, pulling him against her chest and stroking his hair continually, the odd head-peck scattered in. "We've all missed you so much sweetheart, we love you and we miss you but I know the nice people here at Moonlight are looking after you. I trust you're being good to them too?"  
"He's been very good." Sarah clearly lied as Kelly rocked her son slowly, his eyes staring blankly at the floor.  
"Oh well done Ty, I'm so proud of you baby, I'm sure you'll be back home with us in no time."

"Maddy said to say she loves you and she hopes you get better soon." Zack piped up.  
"Yeah she did, she misses you lots and lots Ty, we all do. Dad said to pass on his love and he'll come and visit you after work later this week, and maybe we can bring the little ones if you're calm and you'd like to see them? Plus all your friends say hi, and Jenna's here, do you wanna come say hello Jen?" Kelly turned to look at her and for a moment she was frozen, but then reminded herself that this was the reason she had travelled so far and the semiconscious drugged up person in front of her was her boyfriend.

"H-hi babe, it's me, it's Jenna," she said shakily, then cautiously climbed up onto the mattress beside him. He genuinely seemed as floppy as a rag doll and Kelly carefully moved him across from her own chest and instead so Jenna had one arm wrapped around him. The mother then sat beside Zack, and Jenna was left with her sedated boyfriend's cheek leaning against her shoulder and his ridiculously skinny torso within her arm span.

"You listening Ty? You hearing me?" Jenna murmured softly into his hair. "You gotta get better baby, Columbus is falling apart without you."  
"Tyler I saw your brother eat a vegetable yesterday, it's fair to say that things have gone completely berserk." Kelly smiled, ruffling Zack's hair fondly then cuddling him similarly to how Jenna held Ty.  
"We need you back baby, please, I need you back."

"Jenna, why don't you show him your gifts?" Sarah suggested when she got a little emotional for a moment. She told herself to stay calm, she had to lead by example for her fragile partner, and reached across to where the three laminated pages were.  
"Do you see Ty? Look, it's a picture of us last year, don't you look handsome in your suit? I thought maybe you could keep it by your bed, or maybe stick it on your wall? That way you can look at us if you're feeling scared and you can remember how much I love you, and what's waiting for you back home. I'm gonna be waiting for you baby, as long as it takes for you to get healthy again,"  
"We can stick it up later Tyler."

"Then this, this is you and Josh." She said, trying and failing to keep her voice steady as she looked at the grinning pink haired boy who was now in the ground. "And he loved you so much Ty, so so much, and I don't know whether you'll ever truly comprehend how much he loved you, but I know you felt it. Maybe, maybe this photo will help you feel that way again. Because you're loved baby, so very loved."

"And this, Ty, this is from yesterday. We all went to Joshie's funeral, well, not all of us, but there were lots and lots and lots of people there to show him how much we love him still."  
"People were standing up Tyler, all of that big space at the back of the church was completely rammed full." Zack added.  
"Yeah, it was completely packed. And we sang and we prayed and we listened to people talk about him, and your mom read some really beautiful things that you wrote about him Ty. She made sure that your voice was heard when we were saying goodbye." Jenna said in floods of tears. "You were there Ty, your words were there, Josh heard them I promise." She whispered, then felt her heart break as she saw a single tear run down Tyler's cheek.

 

 

A therapist showed Patrick to Pete's room, procedure rather than practicality, then opened the door and left them to it.  
"Hey babe,"  
"Pat! I missed you!" Pete looked up from his place on the hospital bed, drowning in Pat's hoodie, with a beaming smile and immediately jumped off the mattress and threw himself at his boyfriend for a hug.   
"Woah, hello, missed you too handsome." Patrick said honestly.  
"Pat did you hear the amazing news?! Did you hear?!"  
"What's that darling?" He asked as they sat down, expecting a fantastical tale of messages from God and special missions and other manic thoughts.

"Dr Orwell gave me leave!"  
"Leave? That is amazing, well done sweetheart. How much?" He was impressed but also slightly cautious in case it was a hallucination or delusion.  
"3 hours unescorted home leave, look." Pete said ecstatically, reaching across to his bedside table and handing Patrick a form that authorised him to leave the hospital for 3 hours without staff on the condition that he wasn't alone and he came back on time.

"Oh wow! Pete, that's fantastic, wow, I'm so so proud of you darling." He grinned truthfully, then pulled his boyfriend in for another hug. "I told you, didn't I? I told you you could do it."   
"Yeh!"  
"And if you can get well enough to come home for a few hours, you can definitely get well enough to come back full time."  
"Yeh! You can discharge me!" Pete said excitedly, practically jumping up and down on the bed.  
"Pete." He warned.   
"Yay! I'm going home!"  
"No Pete, rationalise, think, you're going home for a morning but then you need some more help before you get some more home time, okay darling?"  
"I'm better!"  
"Yeah you're doing well and I'm really proud of you, but you're not completely better yet, okay? Just a bit longer."  
"How much longer?"  
"A bit." Patrick sighed, and Pete looked hurt.

"Pete, babe,"  
"Why would you say that?" He asked quietly, suddenly tearful.  
"Say what sweetheart?"  
"That I have to stay here! You know I have to go!"  
"Pete you need to let Young Minds help you get better."  
"I have things to do! I, I, I have things to do!" Pete said, standing up and beginning to pace as Patrick watched.   
"What things? The things that God asked you to do?"  
"He asked me, He asked me specifically, I'm His messenger Pat, how, h-how am I supposed to spread His word if I can't even see anyone?"  
"Pete, what did He tell you?"  
"It's a secret."  
"Well if it's a secret then how are you going to tell people?"  
"You don't understand!"   
"Help me to then sweetie?"

Pete turned his back on Patrick and went down on all fours then began reaching under the cupboard until eventually fishing out a handful of papers that made Pat's heart sink. More delusional plans.

"Look! Don't you see!"   
"See what Pete?"  
"See the links! The groups! It's all about circles Patrick!" He explained manically, thrusting the papers and sketches and diagrams onto him. Pat looked down with a sigh and saw all their friends' names written and linked and ringed aggressively.

"I don't have time to talk to every single person! I have other things to do! Other missions! So, so, so the circles Pat! I tell the circles, the circles tell other circles, ripples, you see? Circles!"  
"Pete."  
"You see now?! You don't know enough people! Your circle, it, it's too small! I need, um, see here? I need Brendon! He's in this circle and this circle and this circle! Tomorrow, on my leave, I need to see Brendon! He's in so many circles!" Pete jabbed at the sheets.  
"You want to go on leave Pete?"  
"Yes."  
"Darling, if you want to go on leave then you need to calm down,"  
"I am calm!" He paced rapidly, scratching his head quickly.

"I just, Brendon, hm, maybe I need a backup starting circle, who, who has lots of friends in lots of circles?! Zack Joseph? No, n-no, people don't trust him because his brother's crazy, hm, oh! Josh! Yes! Josh is perfect!"  
"Josh is dead Pete."  
"Yes! Oh, how was the funeral?"  
"It-"  
"No time! New plan! Debby! She's a cheerleader, she's popular, she's in lots of circles!" He continued to plot to Patrick's dismay.

"Where's my pen?"  
"Your pen?"  
"I need to write it all down!"  
"Peter, please, stop this." Patrick pleaded exhausted, wanting to come and be with his boyfriend and talk about the funeral and about Josh, not deal with another manic episode.  
"Don't call me that! They call me that!"  
"Your parents? I kn-"  
"The people who locked me up!"  
"Pete we've been through this, it wasn't them who admitted you, it was me darling. I think that you need to be here, in hospital, because you're sick, and when people are sick they let doctors help them get fit again, have you been letting the doctors help you? Because you're only going to be able to come out of the hospital if you're fit and healthy."   
"I'm fine."  
"Are you?"  
"Yes! I just need to do this!"  
"Why?"  
"Huh?" Pete stopped racing around to find his pen and stared at him.

"Why do you need to do this?"  
"Because God told me to."  
"So? Why do you need to do what He tells you?"  
"Because He created the universe, He's important!"  
"What about me Pete?"  
"What about you?"  
"Am I important?" Patrick asked, trying really hard not to get upset but failing, everything was just too much. "Does it matter what I want for you? Do I matter to you?"  
"What are you talking about?"   
"It's just- nothing, never mind, doesn't matter." He murmured, suddenly surprised to feel a tear roll down his cheek. He shouldn't be crying, this was ridiculous.

"What's wrong with you?" Pete asked.  
"Nothing, sorry,"  
"Tell me! I can make it better! I can fix everything!"  
"Don't worry, I'm fine." Patrick lied as his sick boyfriend walked over to him, then suddenly began kissing him all over. Pecks to his forehead and his temples and his cheeks and his hair and his nose bridge and his brow bone and his ears and his crown and his jaw and his chin, over and over again which were more aggressive than loving.

"Stop, Pete, Pete please, Pete just stop!" He tried to stop him gently but eventually had to snap to get him to finally step back.  
"I'm kissing you better!"  
"Thank you, but really, s'not working."  
"Yes it is! I have a gift!"  
"Maybe it doesn't work with me." He sighed as he wiped more tears.   
"I'll ask God what to do, He'll tell me, we have a special relationship."  
"Thank you for offering to do that for me, but honest, I'm just tired sweetheart."   
"Then why are you crying? People don't cry when they're tired, they sleep."

"You wanna know why I'm really crying?"  
"Yes! I'll fix it!"  
"I'm crying because I'm sad Pete, and I'm sad because it was Josh's funeral yesterday and I wanted you there beside me, and I want you at home and I want Josh to still be here and I want you to get better because I miss you so much."  
"Josh is dead but I'm right here." Pete said blankly, still not getting why the tears were flowing faster and faster.  
"You're not you though Pete, you're not you."   
"What?"  
"Do you remember when we used to go to garage sales and we played that game where we had to buy items which totalled under $10 and the first letters would spell out the baby name we were contemplating for the baby we were gonna have? Remember watching Scream and you hiding in my chest the whole time? Remember living together? That's you Pete, that's the person I want right now, and I'm sorry because I know you have a very important mission at the moment but I just feel sad. Sorry."

"Do you think he'd be mad?"  
"Who?" Patrick sniffed, wiping his nose and trying not to feel too guilty for offloading on his fragile boyfriend.  
"God. Do you think he'd be mad if I took a break from the mission? Came back later? Because I have so much work still to do before it's finished but you're important too." Pete said and suddenly Patrick was holding hopeful eye contact with him. "The mission, my mission, it's really important. But you're important too, in fact you might be more important, because without you there's no point in doing God's work. You give things a point, you make it worthwhile, all the planning and the stress and the nightmares, there would be no reason for me to do my mission if I didn't have you at the end of it. My reward. You're the most important thing to me Pat, more than the mission, and I'm going to ask God to give me some more time."

 

 

Jenna was away visiting Tyler in hospital and Pat was doing the same for Pete, so Debby was on her own. In a way it was probably good for her to have some alone time, a bit of space to process things, but in reality it was dangerous because she had no reason to stop crying.

After another hour session of sobbing over the scrapbook they had made, she put the precious memories aside and crawled out from the bed, staggering towards the ensuite bathroom with blurred vision. Her mirror was Hollywood style, light bulbs lining the sides and illuminating the iffy red mess that her face had become. She started the taps and splashed her face with the cool water, rubbing away the salt and the tension. The fluffy strands framing her face were drenched in the process and turned a darker colour as they dripped water down her neck.

Debby reached for the peach coloured handtowel on the radiator and used it to dab her face dry, then set it down and grabbed the edges of the sink right and stared at herself in the mirror. She was barely recognisable.

They'd left the funeral early yesterday and didn't attend the wake, and so she hadn't read her speech for Josh and honestly she was relieved. She could barely keep herself together at any given moment, let alone if she had to stand up in front of all those people and share all those memories of the man who was nothing but weight filling the casket to her side. And with that she was crying again.

She repeated the process, splashing her face, drying her face, calming down as she stared herself down in the mirror. The motivational talk she was attempting to give herself about getting a hold on things and being strong for him felt so phoney and forced, and she was relieved when her phone buzzed and gave her a reason to stop.

Debby was both surprised and worried when she saw Brendon's contact filling the screen with a request to FaceTime, and immediately accepted. Less than a second later his forehead was filling the majority of the screen and Debby was so relieved to see a smile on his face.

"Heeeyyyy guuurrrrrlllll,"  
"Hey Bren," she forced a smile, genuinely pleased to see her friend. "You've caught the sun, looking nice and tan."  
"That's Utah for you, gotta say, not missing rainy Ohio." He smiled and Debby saw the background change as he walked outside the house Jordan and he were staying in, then flipped the camera to show her the blue skies.  
"Aw very jealous," she told him and he laughed then flipped the camera again and went back inside.

"You might not be missing rainy Ohio but rainy Ohio's missing you."  
"Crumbling without me?"  
"Something like that." She sighed and he sat down, properly looking at her for the first time.  
"How are things?"  
"Not great, you?"  
"Getting there, yeah, Jordan's doing a lot better and I'm not far behind him."  
"I'm glad Bren,"  
"It was the right thing for us to do, coming out here."  
"Yeah I agree." Debby nodded.

"How are the guys? Tyler?"  
"Jen went to see him this morning at his new hospital, I haven't seen her but she sent me a text and it doesn't sound great. He was calm but only because he was sedated,"  
"They sedated him?"  
"Yeh, pretty heavily by the sounds of things. He wasn't screaming or shouting or being aggressive or anything because he couldn't move."  
"Jesus." Brendon sighed, taking his glasses off and rubbing his face then sighing again. "I mean yeh, he's not violent now, but it doesn't fix the issues it's just delaying them. He needs therapy and support and for these people to be helping him, not just to have pause pressed."  
"Yeh, Jen said that it's gonna be a gradual thing, give him a high dose now then wean him off it slowly and hope he remains the same level of calm without the medication, but I'm not convinced."  
"Well they're trying, Young Minds wasn't working, gotta at least give this way a go." Brendon said and Debby nodded as she laid back down on her bed.

"How about Jenna? Holding up?"  
"Managing somehow."  
"Bless her, pass on my love."  
"Will do."

"And my boys? Pat and Pete?"  
"Pete's actually doing a bit better, yeah, he's still swinging a lot but he's not been suicidal or self harming recently so that's a good step in the right direction."  
"Oh wow, definitely."  
"He's been going to a lot of his sessions and engaging in treatment, and he's still quite delusional but definitely making progress."  
"Aw that's great,"  
"He's actually got some home leave so he's going to Patrick's tomorrow for the morning."  
"Wow, aw that's amazing, glad to finally get some good news." Brendon smiled.  
"Yeah, he's making us all proud, especially Pat."

"And how is Pat?"  
"He's not doing so well actually, he's been really tearful these past few days."  
"My fault? For leaving?"  
"No no, I think it's just things with Josh and missing Pete."  
"Dallon said you two and Jenna left the funeral early." Brendon said with a concerned expression, brows furrowed.   
"You knew it was J's funeral?"  
"Yeh, Dall told me,"  
"But you didn't come?" Debby said sadly and quietly.  
"Debby we're the other side of the country, it's a 4000 mile round trip,"  
"But, but it was my boyfriend's funeral, it was Josh's funeral,"  
"I'm sorry,"  
"You should have been there." She whispered and a stray tear escaped that she chose to ignore.

"Jordan didn't feel up to it either,"  
"I don't care Bren, I didn't feel up to it, I cried all night before and all day and all through the service and all night again last night and all of today, I didn't wanna go but I did. Jordan's his brother, you were his best friend, you both should have been there."  
"I am sorry, and if there's anyway I can make it up to you then tell me."  
"S'fine, you know what, s'fine, there's nothing anyone can do." She calmed down but tears still rolled down her cheeks.

"How was it? The funeral." He asked a moment later.  
"Beautiful, formal, traditional. Not what he would have wanted."  
"Were there many people there?"  
"Lots and lots but not the people who really mattered. The school ran a trip so half of the student body showed up, but you boys weren't there and the guys in hospital weren't there so it just didn't feel right, felt empty even with everyone packed in like sardines."

"Dallon told me they set up a memorial for him in school."  
"They did?" She sniffed.  
"Yeah, his locker is covered in cards and letters and post it notes and flowers and paper chains and origami and other little gifts, and there's candles and more flowers underneath and on top," Brendon told her as she cried. "The school said they have to take it down but there was a lot of resistance so there's talks of some sort of permanent tribute, likely a memorial tree in the quad in his honour."  
"Oh,"  
"Would you be okay with that?"  
"A memorial? Yeh, yeh, th-that'll be nice," Debby nodded before squeaking and letting out a small sob. "Sorry it just makes it all so real,"   
"It's scary, I know it's scary," Brendon reassured her as she wiped her face. "It's scary because so much new stuff is happening at the moment and everything's changing so rapidly, but things will start to settle soon and you'll be able to wrap your head around it eventually."  
"What if I can't?"  
"You will babe, you will, just be patient."

"I'm trying to be patient B, I'm trying to wait until that day when it starts to hurt less, it's just not happening,"  
"It's only been a week babe,"   
"9 days, and I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night in those 9 days."  
"That's another reason why you're feeling so overwhelmed, you're exhau-"  
"Can I come join you?"  
"What?"  
"Can I come and stay with you and Jordan in Saint George?" She asked tearfully.  
"Debby I'm not sure it's gonna help-"  
"It helped you."  
"It's different though,"   
"Why?"  
"Because I left for a whole bunch of reasons, you're leaving because of Josh. And Debby, whether you're here or whether you're home surrounded by loved ones, he's still dead. Distance can't change that, running can't change that, nothing can change that."


	35. Chapter 35

“You okay?” Patrick whispered softly, squeezing Pete’s hand securely as he looked out of the window in the backseat. He nodded. Pat didn’t believe him.  
  
His mom was driving them so that Pat could fully devote his attention to his boyfriend, but it appeared as if Pete had left his focus back at the ward, because he’s barely spoken a word since they left. Other than thank you to the woman who showed them to the exit and hello to a cat, he’d been silent. And in a way Patrick wanted to be understanding, to except that leaving hospital, even just for 3 hours, was utterly terrifying and it was normal to be scared into silence, but he couldn’t help missing the characteristic bubbles of Pete’s personality. Whether manic or not.  
  
“Here we are,” Mom smiled as they parked outside their house and she undid her belt. “I’ll go on ahead, get inside, leave you two boys to your own pace.”  
“Thanks Mom, and thanks for the ride.”  
“Not a problem.” Her voice was hushed too, nervous around the delicate soul in the back. She climbed out of the car and even the way she closed the door behind her was careful.  
  
“Why are we here?” Pete finally broke eye contact with the glass and turned to face Patrick with hesitance in each breath.  
“You mean my house?” He checked that it wasn’t a more existential predicament, and received a nod. “We’re here because you’ve been so brave and so strong that Young Minds know, just as I do, that you’re capable of life beyond the ward.”  
“I, I, I wanna go to my house Pat! Not here! Home!”  
“This wasn’t how I was going to ask, I had great romantic plans babe, but I was hoping you’d move in with me Pete? Live here? With me?” Patrick pretended like his sick boyfriend hadn’t been kicked out. “How would you feel about that?”  
“Living together?”  
“Yeah,”  
“You? And me?”  
“Yeah,”  
“Oh,”  
  
“I mean obviously not just yet, we need to wait for the all clear from YM before we take you out of hospital, but whe-“  
“What about my house? It’s so much better than yours,” His tired and timid voice didn’t seem concerned by any potential offence, but Patrick understood.  
“Well my house is closer to town, to school, to TacoBe-“  
“Closer to Josh.”  
“Josh isn’t, he’s not, he doesn’t, he doesn’t live at home anymore, yeh? So, yes, we’re close to his old house, but not him.”  
  
“You always were close with him.” Pete looked at his feet with tears in his eyes.  
“He was a good friend.”  
“Much closer to him than I ever was.”  
“I guess.”  
“Be honest with me Patrick, be honest.”  
“Okay.”  
“How many times?”  
“How many times what?” He asked, stroking Pete’s hand with his thumb soothingly.  
“You and him. How many times?”  
“Pete I don’t-“  
“I know, okay?! I know you and him were hooking up behind my back, just tell me how many times!” Pete snatched his hand away and Pat felt his heart sink. They’d been doing so well.  
  
“0 times.”  
“Liar!”  
“Pete he was straight, he had Debby, I have you, we never-“  
“Liar!” Tears trickled with that exclamation.  
“I’m not lying.”  
“I know you kissed him!”  
“Why do you think that? Because you don’t know, you think, and you think incorrectly.” Patrick tried to stay calm but felt hurt that Pete thought he was capable of such a thing.  
“I’m not wrong, I’m not, I saw you!”  
“When?”  
“The history fieldtrip.”  
“Babe, Josh didn’t even come on that, he was bedbound.”  
“NOT THIS YEAR! LAST YEAR!” The scream frightened Patrick.  
  
“Last year, at the museum, I saw you cuddling.” He mopped up his cheeks shakily and Pat watched helplessly.  
“Oh,”  
“SEE! I’M NOT A LIAR!”  
“Pete, babe, let me explain-“  
“I HATE YOU!”  
“I hadn’t kissed-  
“I HATE YOU!”  
“Pete! I didn’t kiss him, okay? I’ve never kissed him, that day, that day almost 18 months ago, Tyler had only just gone inpatient and Josh was having a bad moment, started blaming himself for causing Ty’s breakdown, feeling guilty, and he started crying so I gave him a hug. That was it.”  
“You’re a liar Patrick.”  
“I’m not.”  
  
“You two, you, you thought that my meds would mean I didn’t understand, but I did! I did understand! All these years! I knew Patrick! I knew about your dirty little boy on the side.”  
“Don’t call Josh dirty,” Patrick’s vision clouded.  
“DON’T CHEAT ON ME!”  
“I didn’t Pete.”  
“He’s a fucking whore.”  
“And now he’s dead.” He couldn’t help spitting bitterly, unable to sit back and let the man he loved insult Josh.  
  
“I don’t want to live with you.” Pete sniffed a moment later with more tears.  
“Okay,” Patrick sighed, knowing it would only be a matter of days until Pete swung into an episode of excited hysteria at the idea of living together.  
  
“Take me to my house.”  
“I don’t have the keys. Yours are in your YM locker.” He didn’t tell the whole truth, just knew it wasn’t the right time to confess that he wasn’t welcome home, that his family never wanted to see him again, that he had 43 days to recover enough to get discharged because the money was running out fast and as much as Patrick loved him, adored him, he couldn’t find the strength to figure out a better solution.  
  
“I want Jenna.”  
“There’s a thing, a school thing. They’re planting a memorial tree and she’s gone with Ashley and Debby to the garden centre to find the right type.”  
“I want her.”  
“She’s busy, you can’t have her.”  
  
“I want Brendon.”  
“He’s in Utah.”  
“But I wan-“  
“Tough.”  
  
“Take me back to Young Minds.”  
“Good plan.” Patrick sighed, then half stood up and managed to climb over the gear stick and into the front seat of the car, sighing again then turning the ignition.  
  
  
  
  
  
The soil hadn’t settled yet. Laura had watched as they put the ground on top of the casket, watched every last shovel, watched as the workmen left and watched as the sunset. She had to leave after that, Ashley insisting she went to the wake, but when she came back 2 days after the funeral, the big brown heap still protruded proudly out of the grass, marking for all to see that her baby was fresh in the earth.  
  
She wondered how the other grave plots laid so flat, had the wooden coffins decayed and collapsed in? Had the flesh on the bones of the corpse rotted away, leaving space for the soil sink? Had they just used too much soil for her little one? She didn’t know, but it played on her mind as she walked hesitantly on the light stone gravel path from the parking lot to the 8th row, 3rd from the left. Plot 109. Josh’s plot.  
  
His headstone boldly displayed his name for all to see, but Laura couldn’t bear to look for more than an accidental second. She didn’t need a label to remember where he now found rest, in fact she was quite certain that she would never forget the route to visit her eldest despite only visiting the plot for the third time. Once today. Once at the funeral. Once with Josh when he was just about alive but looking for his perfect future home.  
  
No one spread more love in one lifetime  
Joshua William Dun  
18th June 1999 – 15th November 2017  
Life is not forever. Love is.  
  
She wished she could describe it as painful, she wished she could say it felt like a punch to the gut, but in reality, it felt like nothing, she felt nothing. The tears that always seemed to be leaking down her face these days were nothing more than meaningless empty salt water. She had learnt to be numb, and she had learnt too well that even her son’s marble grave stirred up no raw pain that she hadn’t experienced 100x over by his bedside.  
  
“Hey, J-josh,” Abi hiccupped, and Laura was reminded of the fact she had temporarily forgotten. She and her son were not alone. “It’s me, it’s, i-t’s A-abi, and Mom.”  
“Hello darling,” she managed to say calmly.  
“Assh, um, Ashley’s g-getting you a tr-tree, with, Debs a-and Jen.” Her youngest daughter explained, sitting on the flat ground with her body beside the marble stone, unwrapping the plastic packaging of the bunch of carnations they had bought on the journey over.  
  
“And Jordan, well, Jordan’s on quite an adventure Josh.” Laura finished explaining, sitting opposite her daughter on the wet grass and facing the grave but being cautious not to fully process the epitaph. “He’s gone off to St George with your buddy Brendon, and they’re staying in Brendon’s grandma’s house, and it sounds like they’re having the best time.”  
“They facetimed this morning.” Abi whispered as she reached across and rested the beautiful flowers against the marble.  
“Yes indeed they did. Your brother kept stuffing his face full of syrupy pancakes – seems like Bren is taking a bit too good care of him. He’s enjoying being away from home far too much.” She said with an accompanying false smile.  
  
“He’s coming home by Christmas,” the young girl said softly, playing with the bed of her left thumb nail.  
“So one more month J, one more month then he’ll be back in Columbus and I’ll make sure the first thing he does is come by here and say hello, and apologise for missing your big party the day before yesterday.”  
“Yeh,”  
  
“Do you want to tell him?” Laura asked a minute of unstable silence later.  
“About?”  
“His fundraising?”  
“Oh, um,” she sniffed, wiping her damp cheeks. “Just from the cans and buckets at your funeral, we managed-“  
“Josh managed.”  
“Sorry, yeh, you managed to raise over $400 for Noah’s Ark Children’s Hospice, and Dallon-“  
“Brendon’s friend.” Laura couldn’t help but add details, stuck in the habit of needing to supply Josh with as much information as possible to give his tumour-ridden brain a chance at catching on.  
“Brendon’s friend Dallon setup a JustGiving page for Noah’s Ark in your honour, and, um, a-and it’s doing really well.”  
“I checked before we came J and he set the target at $1000 and it’s already well into the $3000s,”  
“And it’s all because of you,” Abi’s voice was snatched by her silent tears.  
  
“Everyone’s been sending their love J, Abigail’s flowers will be the first of many I’m sure.”  
“Everyone,” she started saying but stopped to bite her lip for a moment. “Everyone misses you so much Josh, so much.”  
  
  


  
  
" **He's** gone." Tyler whispered, his lips numb and foreign, his eyes blank and static.  
"Who's gone poppet? Josh?" Sarah asked, colouring in part of the elephant she had printed off the Internet. She used a purple wax crayon and the colour wasn't block, small white impurities were left behind that annoyed Tyler. All wax crayons were the same, all the colouring she had done was the same, and Tyler didn't like that but she said they weren't allowed any pens or pencils on the ward. Not that it mattered though, Tyler couldn't lift his arms, how would he control his hands?  
  
"No, no not Josh, **Blurry**."  
" **Blurry**? Where's **he** gone?" She said slowly, concentration still on her elephant that she had earlier informed him was called Joey.  
" **He's** gone."  
"Gone out of the room?"  
"Gone."  
"Well that's good, isn't it? We don't like **him**." The nurse smiled. "Do you want to do some colouring with me Ty? I have a couple more pictures, here, a flower? Or a turtle? Or I've got a Mickey Mouse one too."  
"Sarah,"  
"Yes darling?"  
" **Blurry's** gone."  
"Does that make you sad Tyler?" She turned to face him, stopping colouring for a minute.  
  
"Are you sad that **he's** gone?"  
" **Blur's** gone."  
"I know poppet, you said, do you want me to do something about it?"  
"Come back, come back **Blur** ,"  
"No Ty, we don't want **him** back, **he's** cruel and **he** makes you hurt yourself and feel really scared. We don't like **him**."  
"I want **you** to come back! Please **Blurry**!"  
"Tyler." Sarah warned but he didn't care, he needed his guide, he needed his tormentor, he needed his only companion and the only person who would lead him down the path to Josh.  
  
Tyler's arms felt like lead so, as much as he wanted to reach out and feel for **Blurry** in the air surrounding his fuzzy head, he couldn't. Instead he looked down, and that was when he saw it.  
  
His fingers. His nails, his fingers, his hands, they were black. A dark black, a dark as night black, and his fingernails were thick and pointed and sharp, sharp enough to draw blood. When flexing them back, Tyler truly understood for the first time why **Blurry** did what **he** did. Of course **he** dragged **his** nails across walls and doors and flesh, with that sort of ability to inflict such fear with so little effort, why wouldn't you? Why shouldn't he?  
  
"Oh, oh okay,"  
"Is **he** back Ty? Did **he** say something?"  
"I, I think,"  
"Yeh?"  
"I think I'm **him** now."  
"You're **Blurryface**?"  
"What co-, excuse me Sarah, what colour is my neck?" Tyler asked whilst admiring his new claws.  
“Your neck? It’s a bit scratched still but you’re doing a good job of not playing with the wounds, so well done.”  
“Colour, what colour?”  
“I don’t quite understand Ty,” her soft voice said but it didn’t sound like it was coming from her mouth. It was, it was peculiar.  
“I understand. It’s black.” A familiar voice said, a non peculiar voice.  
  
Tyler looked up from his new pretty claws and saw Josh just a metre or two away from him. He wore a pastel pink t-shirt with twice rolled sleeves, he wore ripped skinny jeans, he wore a smile.  
  
“It’s darker than black though, it’s obsidian, it’s a starless night sky, it’s a crow’s longest feather. It’s more than black, it’s, it’s beautiful.” The words tumbled from Josh’s plump lips, revealing the smallest flash of white with each perfectly enunciated syllable.  
  
He couldn’t help the urge within, he had to climb off the bed, to inspect for himself. Josh was once again risen, reborn, and standing right in front of him. In a bid to truly fathom the miracle afoot, Tyler walked not one lap but two, observing the thick strong skin covering his thick strong arms, appreciating the bold posture that held him solid, absorbing the curl of pink hair sneaking from underneath the cap he wore proudly. A distinctive smile was maintained by his best friend as Tyler completed his inspection.  
  
“Tyler?” Sarah broke the silence, but did nothing to encourage him to return to watching her colour in.  
  
A smile didn’t crack through Tyler’s pursed lips until he reached out his left hand, claw possessing hand, and touched Josh’s right shoulder, then recoiled with surprised pleasure after feeling flesh, warm, living flesh.  
  
“Guess who’s back?” His voice filled the noisy silence once again, and Tyler swallowed before replying.  
“It’s been too long, my dear friend.”  
“The best things are worth waiting for.”  
“How do you feel?”  
“Glorious.” Josh stretched his arms out to a crucifix and smiled up to the heavens.  
  
“I’ve spent many an hour thinking of the moment we should be reunited once more.” The pad of Tyler’s black finger traced along Josh’s jaw as he lowered his healthy arms again.  
“Tyler, can you come and sit with me please poppet?”  
“Healing is bound by no timeframe.” Josh ignored her the same as Tyler, and he simply responded by reaching out and taking Josh’s right wrist in both of his ebony hands, holding him delicately and firmly whilst admiring the repairs done to his once brittle and hollow fingers.  
  
“You’re more beautiful than even I hoped.” Tyler released his wrist and instead reached for Josh’s hips, left claws wrapping around his right, right claws wrapping around his left. Josh didn’t look down as Tyler breathed in the strength of his core, used to the feeble wheelchair bound form of the spirit and finding exhilaration in the processing of such almighty change.  
  
“I feel,”  
“Yes?” Tyler retracted his hands from Josh’s hips and made eye contact, taking pleasure in the clash of his glowing red irises meeting Josh’s shining brown. Josh’s lips parted and hovered just a hair’s-breadth apart and Tyler awaited the description of salvation with baited breath, when suddenly the whites of Josh’s eyes widened and he sucked in a sudden gasp of pain. No words of any description could march their way through the cloud of confused concern fogging Tyler’s brain, because this wasn’t supposed to happen, Josh wasn’t meant to feel pain, he was supposed to be liberated and yet, and yet.  
  
“Aah,” A cry escaped and Josh’s hand shot up to his shoulder to nurse the reason for it.  
“Josh?”  
“It, aah, it burns Ty, a-aah, aargh,”  
“I don’t, I don’t understand,” Tyler breathed truthfully, left hand creeping forwards and caressing the side of Josh’s head with a stroking thumb, cautious not to inflict further harm with the claws but instead provide comfort amid the confusion.  
“A-a-ah,” he stammered on the pain, and through Tyler’s peripheral vision, not wanting to break eye contact, he saw Josh’s protective touch move from his shoulder and up to his jaw, hiding the black smudges left behind by Tyler’s stained skin.  
  
“No no, ah, arh, arghh, ARGGH!” The final gasp could be described as shrill as Josh’s comforting hand moved from his jaw to his wrist, cradling his painful arm close to his chest. This time Tyler looked, this time Tyler saw, this time Tyler watched as the wrist withered before them then suddenly switched from healthy peach to barren blue before becoming overruled by painfully familiar painful bruises.  
  
Josh caught onto the pattern at the same Tyler did, and took a step backwards with tears in his eyes.  
  
“What did you do to me? WHAT DID YOU DO?!”  
“I didn’t mean…” his voice was lost to the sobs that broke from within Josh, raw, terrified sobs.  
“Y-you, you! AAARRRGHHH,” the accusation was whipped away by the sudden pain that caused Josh to crinkle in two, then fall to the ground. His hips. Tyler had touched his hips.  
  
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Tyler fell to his knees and tried to support his best friend, instinctively reached out to try and calm the whimpers, his hands gravitating towards Josh’s knees, fingers extending towards the bottom of his thighs. He’d barely made contact before Josh screeched at him.  
“STOP TOUCHING ME! IT’S COMING BACK! EVERYWHERE YOU TOUCH IT COMES BACK!”  
“I’M SORRY!” He screeched back, retracting his hands and tucking them against his chest, powerless to help as Josh physically broke down in front of him on the floor. Tyler had to watch as each site marked by his black smudges first drained of fullness, then colour, then suddenly became flooded with bruising and in some cases bulging.  
  
“How c-could y-you do thiss to mee?” Josh’s face was distorted with pain as he demanded an answer, and the sudden string of blood that poured from his mouth was not accompanied by a heave, just a final hacking choke.  
“I never meant, I, I didn’t know, I, it, I, I’m sorry,”  
“Aaargh God no, NOOO!” He hysterically screamed through the familiar hoarse whisper of a dying man.  
  
“Josh I’m sorry,” Tyler knew a hot tear had escaped his red eye but did not care enough to wipe it, literally watching the life being sucked from Josh, one cancerous region at a time.  
“DON’T! TALK! TO! ME!” The desperation was evident. “Why Ty? WHY?! What did I do to deserve this?!”  
  
Tyler didn’t have an answer, he didn’t have any words, all language had been sapped from him the same way all colour was being leached from Josh’s decaying form. His skin had turned transparent, his bones stuck out prominently at awkward angles, and black and yellow bruises patterned every available surface on the body that twisted in on itself in a fetal position with the constant screams playing as an anthem to the rotting.  
  
If only he hadn’t touched, hadn’t interfered, hadn’t contaminated his angel with the sickness within him.  
  
He was a wretch, a murderer, and on his black hands was the blood of his pink haired everything. It was his fault. It was all his fault, and he deserved to face the same torture as the withered crumpled shell screaming on the floor, so immediately began stabbing his cancer causing claws into every semi healed wound in a bid to embed those same cancers deep within himself. He deserved it, not Josh, him.  
  
Sarah tried to stop him, the nurse in blue tried to stop him, and then the doctor in white arrived with the big syringe and Tyler was out for the count.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello strangers :P  
> Ik the majority of my interactive subscribers have been keeping up with me on my other fics, but I have quite a few subs specific to this fic, so hello! You may have noticed that I haven't been posting on this account recently, and that's firstly because I lost a really dear friend unexpectedly and writing about death and grief suddenly became too real for me. Secondly I have moved to a full time boarding school! So the combination of these two factors have made me very inactive, and I apologise, but I'm doing my best to catch up I promise x  
> New updates coming soon, watch this space.


End file.
